CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new study from researchers at Harvard University shows that only 20% of Americans currently have access to beats to study/relax to, confirming a long-suspected disparity that is significantly heightened in rural areas, where millions are left with no choice but to not study/relax at all.
“Leaders in the relaxing/studying field have been urging/lobbying local governments for years to do more to expand access to chill and smooth instrumental lo-fi flow state beats in communities that historically have been left behind,” said Dr. Thomas Hayes, head of the Harvard Center for Relaxing/Studying Studies. “Unfortunately, our warnings have been largely ignored/dismissed by elected policymakers more interested in getting re-elected than helping/representing the American people, who need to study/relax more than ever.”
Shane Liston, 28, is one of the many Americans with no choice but to attempt, in vain, to study/relax sans beats.
“I live in a county with the fewest beats-per-capita in the nation. I’m a physical therapist, and I’ve got clients coming in with so much muscle tension that it’s clear they haven’t studied/relaxed in years,” said Liston while listening to a fuzzy radio station. “You can see it on their faces. Heck, I’m in the same boat. When I need some ‘me time,’ I just stare at my desk until my eyes water.”
EU officials are already developing a “Minimum Beats Allowance” audio stipend to be given directly to its citizens, and South Korea is rumored to be developing the world’s first beats solely to study/study to.
“The world’s richest nations need to step up and contribute more juicy trapmix alpha wave focus concentration 10-hour loop beats to developing nations, refugee communities, and conflict zones,” said Dr. Tedros Ghebreyesus, Director-General of the World Health Organization. “Access to such mellow rhythms is a necessary precondition to individual dignity, societal sustainability, and tripping absolute balls without freaking out.”
As of press time, a collection of Earth’s most popular house beats for deep brain power to study/relax to were being broadcast via satellite towards a distant star so that intelligent life, if it exists, can study/relax, too.
