Thanks a Lot 2022: I’m Being Arrested for Getting Drunk and Beating the Fuck Out of Someone at Best Buy

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well it looks like time is back on it’s bullshit, and it’s going full beastmode on my ass! Here we all are, just minding our own business totally innocent and shit when all of a sudden 2022 comes along, kills Betty White, invents Omicron, and makes me drunkenly punch that salesman’s lights out for LYING to me about my new TV’s screen mirroring compatibility. What the fuck did we ever do to that number anyway?!

I’m so fucking mad at numbers right now you guys.

It turns out, not only did 2022 make me break that kid’s jaw, but it may have caused me to inflict serious neurological damage on him due to a previous injury he had. That’s how shitty this year has decided to be! If that wasn’t bad enough, now 2022 has got me resisting arrest, pushing and kicking about as these poor cops try to shove me into the back of the car while screaming all kinds of hell!

2022 even had me shouting a few racial slurs at a Latino officer. Seriously 2022, racism? Don’t you know what year it is?!

This isn’t the first time I’ve been totally fucked over by a year either. There was that time 2016 gave me those DUIs. There was that time 2018 took my license away. And then there was that time 2020 got me fired for drinking at work. Man, years are assholes.

The worst part is that there’s nothing any of us can do to make anything different! The year is the year and that does not change. Even if I wanted to not fall off the wagon and physically assault a 20-year-old kid just doing his best, I couldn’t because that’s just what this fucking year DECIDED would fucking happen!

This year be like, “Oh, your plan was to leave Best Buy after you beat the fuck out of that guy but before the cops show up? Well I’m 2022 so, I guess fuck your plan!” I am so upset that this is happening to me!

Oh I know, I’ll just ask actor Sidney Poitier for advice, he’ll know what to do! Oh wait, he’s DEAD, murdered senselessly by 2022 and now I might go to jail because he can’t help me out!

I just wish there was something, or even someone, that I could hold accountable for the situation I find myself in besides a stupid number, but we all know there isn’t. Thanks a lot Time, you flat-circle bullshit motherfucker! I hope 2023 is cooler about shit because if they hit me with attempted manslaughter, which is looking likely, that’s when I get sentenced.

Third Reference to Couple’s Kinky Sex Life Politely Ignored

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Multiple references to new couple Darius Mastrogiovanni and Sam Padgett’s disgustingly raunchy sex life were skillfully and politely ignored while out at lunch with friends this afternoon, according to curious sources.

“We know they’re into kinky shit, and honestly who isn’t a little curious to hear about assplay and nipple torture routines,” said longtime friend of Mastrogiovanni, Ryan Pereira, while politely laughing off the first two of six casual remarks about being choked during the outing. “It’s great they’re comfortable to try things with each other, but it can be a bit much sometimes. I’m not sure how or why asking the table if they want to share a plate of nachos seems like the right time for Darius to mention how Sam ‘ate a bigger mess than that this morning,’ but whatever.”

Friends confirmed that the pair’s “subtle” references are anything but, and are frustrated by the attention they’ve been calling to themselves.

“At first it started out innocently enough, spanking innuendo and whatnot, but it’s gotten to the point where we can’t do or say anything without them raising their brows and smiling all weird. We basically can’t sit or stand near each other, or do anything that involves being around liquids of any kind,” mutual friend Kat Abrams said while shifting in her seat. “Like they’re the only people in the world who hog-tie each other and then get all oiled up and then she wants him to slap her feet with his belt until she has to yell out ‘Albuquerque!’ or whatever their safe word is, anyway? Like, get over yourself.”

Padgett claims that, while the couple is comfortable in their sexuality and dynamic, that her friends are overreacting.

“They’re definitely reading into every single thing we do based on a few memes I shared on Instagram,” Padgett explained. “Like, sure, we have kinks, but it’s not like we’re doing Shibari every night with all of our friends or something. That’s only every third Wednesday of the month, and with other consenting couples only. We’re people too, everyone needs to get their minds out of the gutter.”

At press time, the friend group was seen skillfully avoiding using the word “vanilla” to describe which ice cream flavor to go with their apple pie ala mode.

Third Reference to Couple’s Kinky Sex Life Politely Ignored

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Multiple references to new couple Darius Mastrogiovanni and Sam Padgett’s disgustingly raunchy sex life were skillfully and politely ignored while out at lunch with friends this afternoon, according to curious sources.

“We know they’re into kinky shit, and honestly who isn’t a little curious to hear about assplay and nipple torture routines,” said longtime friend of Mastrogiovanni, Ryan Pereira, while politely laughing off the first two of six casual remarks about being choked during the outing. “It’s great they’re comfortable to try things with each other, but it can be a bit much sometimes. I’m not sure how or why asking the table if they want to share a plate of nachos seems like the right time for Darius to mention how Sam ‘ate a bigger mess than that this morning,’ but whatever.”

Friends confirmed that the pair’s “subtle” references are anything but, and are frustrated by the attention they’ve been calling to themselves.

“At first it started out innocently enough, spanking innuendo and whatnot, but it’s gotten to the point where we can’t do or say anything without them raising their brows and smiling all weird. We basically can’t sit or stand near each other, or do anything that involves being around liquids of any kind,” mutual friend Kat Abrams said while shifting in her seat. “Like they’re the only people in the world who hog-tie each other and then get all oiled up and then she wants him to slap her feet with his belt until she has to yell out ‘Albuquerque!’ or whatever their safe word is, anyway? Like, get over yourself.”

Padgett claims that, while the couple is comfortable in their sexuality and dynamic, that her friends are overreacting.

“They’re definitely reading into every single thing we do based on a few memes I shared on Instagram,” Padgett explained. “Like, sure, we have kinks, but it’s not like we’re doing Shibari every night with all of our friends or something. That’s only every third Wednesday of the month, and with other consenting couples only. We’re people too, everyone needs to get their minds out of the gutter.”

At press time, the friend group was seen skillfully avoiding using the word “vanilla” to describe which ice cream flavor to go with their apple pie ala mode.

5 Kinds of Hops That Say “I Know More Than the Person Giving This Brewery Tour”

Posted on by James Knapp

There’s no better way to spend an afternoon than touring a microbrewery and sampling it’s offerings, save for one critical oversight: The dude giving the tour ISN’T ME!

Oh look at you mister big-shot tour guide with your fucking clipboard and your work ID. You think you’re better than me, huh? Just ‘cause you got that little cheat-sheet there. Well I bet I can name way more hops than you, nerd.

Vital
Here’s an easy one, and I’ll still bet they didn’t even mention it in your forty-five minutes of training. Hell, I’ll bet you still drink Bud Light like an asshole. What? You think just because you work as a tour guide at a brewery that that gives you the right to tell me about brewing beer?

Galena
A good aromatic hop like this is the essence of any real beer knowledge, and I should know – I’ve been home brewing for over five years and I’ve got a feeling that my next batch is finally gonna be the one that doesn’t taste like malted bear mace that randomly explodes 4-6 days after bottling. Hey, just cause the beer turned out like a dead cat full of copper doesn’t mean I can’t still drink in the sweet, warty flavor of superiority.

Mandarina Bavaria
I know more about IPAs than I know about my own father! Oh does that make you sad? Well it just makes me feel better than you. In fact, I feel so much better that I may need to drink another eight or twelve of these just to keep myself from sobbing uncontrollably about how much better than you I am.

Uhhhhh… Watermelon Kush
Yeah, that’s right. I bet you had no fucking idea this is in the same plant family so, like, it counts. Whatever, I don’t have to put up with your judgement. Weed is decriminalized in this state, I think.

Subject XJ-969 [Strain Omega]
Legally I’m not even cleared to talk about this one. Actually, I’m pretty sure the black helicopters are already on the way to “contain” this entire microbrewery. Know why? Because I know too much, motherfucker! Now get me another lager before the feds blank my memory again.

Man Who Hates New Beatles Documentary Wishes He Had Friend to Tell

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

DAYTON, Ohio – Local man Jesse Clingman found himself unimpressed and longing for a friend to direct his complaints after viewing the entirety of Peter Jackson’s massive eight-hour Beatles documentary “Get Back.”

“I just don’t understand the hype. It looks like somebody just threw a bunch of shitty B-roll footage together. There is no plot to speak of, and all the guys just seem like space cadets. How am I supposed to get emotionally invested in some shaggy dudes who barely know how to play guitar?” said Clingman from his studio apartment in reference to the painstakingly edited documentary series that details the creation of some of the most memorable songs to ever enter the pop canon. “I can’t be the only one that thinks this band is totally overrated. There are so many bands from the ‘90s that would mop the floor with these guys. Let me know when someone makes a Soundgarden documentary, that will be worth watching.”

Childhood friend Andrew Gordon admits he has distanced himself from Clingman in the past few years.

“It’s all just too much. If there is a universally loved piece of media he will do whatever it takes to tear it down,” stated Gordon. “I remember we went to see ‘Bridesmaids’ with a group of friends and everyone loved it, other than Jesse of course. He kept saying he would love to see a remake with an all-male cast, and then maybe he would enjoy it. It got so bad that I ended up telling him I moved to Oakland, but in reality I live 15 minutes from his apartment. I just grew a goatee and I wear a hat whenever I go out so he doesn’t recognize me.”

Noted Beatles historian Karl Hicks was horrified to learn of Clingman’s tepid review of the documentary in question.

“This man has actually said that the Beatles are derivative?!” said Hicks. “Oh, I’m sorry Jesse found the incalculable influence of classic songs like ‘Don’t Let Me Down’ and ‘Let It Be’ to be lacking in originality. Let’s just face the facts here. Paul McCartney has had bowel movements with more insight than this little twerp. I would have to assume that anyone with that sort of hatred toward the Beatles would have immense trouble starting a conversation, let alone maintaining a fruitful friendship. This kid is absolutely abhorrent in my book.”

At press time, Clingman was seen obsessively refreshing his Facebook account to see if his status “‘Get Back’? More like ‘Shit Stack,’ am I right?” had received any likes yet.

5 Ways to Be Your Best Self as You Track Down and Kill All the Alternate You’s in the Multiverse

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We are all on a constant journey of growth, and life is full of innumerable stresses and hindrances to fully becoming the person you would most like to be. It can feel like an impossible task to live up to the person you feel you must be, but every path begins by putting one foot in front of the other and then killing the alternate versions of yourself that populate the multiverse and are preventing you from attaining ultimate self-actualization and universal power.

All you have to do is keep trying, and keep killing.

Leave Your Comfort Zone: No one ever got anywhere by staying in the same place. Your comfort zone is where you feel the most calm and content. Although it seems like that would be a positive, that safety net can also inhibit you from growth. Be brave. Ask out that stranger. Go for that promotion. Break into a quantum physics lab. Interrupt a high-risk Zeta-radiation transposition experiment in progress. Cross through shimmering dimensional barriers that separate you from all the Others that diminish you, and hunt them down.

Set Achievable Goals: You can only grow if you are accountable to someone: yourself. Think of the person that you want to be, and set reasonable, concrete aims. It can be daunting to think a thousand miles down the road, so just try to think of crossing the street. Wake up earlier each morning. Set aside 15% of your paycheck each month. Find all of the pathetic, weaker versions of yourself that exist, so that you may become the unique, the all-powerful ONE. You will do what you have to.

Absorb the Essence of Your Counterparts in Each of the 37 Parallel Universes: This is practically a cliche, but you have to keep it in mind. The most powerful form of self-actualization is to defeat the Other You’s in hand-to-hand combat, and after a fierce, parkour-influenced battle, absorb their very souls. Feel their strength flow into you. Also, there are only 37 universes total, so see the previous achievable goals. You can do this.

Eliminate Distractions: It’s important to pause and ask yourself: am I allowing the deadweights of guilt, morality and the sight of my own eyes go blank and lifeless as I drown Alternate Self-14 (Pirate Universe) in the shallows of the Atlantis Ocean drag me down? Distractions can take many forms. Toxic attitudes. Unhealthy habits. The sight of another version of you happily married to the one who got away, mocking you with their love. Eliminate them.

Eat More Fiber: Did you know only 5% of adults in the United States eat the recommended amount of dietary fiber? It may not seem important now, but maintaining digestive health is enormously beneficial to you, your goals and the murder of 36 imposters across the multiverse. Remember, small steps!

So, remember, as you grow every day, in every way: be kind to yourself.

But not your alternate selves. Show no mercy to those fuckers.

Optimistic Band Sees Completely Empty Venue as Half Full

Posted on by Bobby Korec

TACOMA, Wash. — Local punk band Dungeons and Koalas applied their optimistic mindset to see a completely empty venue during their set as half full, sources who had a much harder time extracting any positives confirmed.

“Despite not a single member of the human race in attendance unless you count Kevin the bartender who had to be there, I’d say it was a pretty solid turnout,” said the band’s bassist Lucy Viles before reiterating that this was technically the largest crowd they’ve ever had. “What can I say? Our band just naturally views the world with rose-colored glasses. Sure, we’ve only ever been an opener. But if you look on the bright side, the opening slot is actually the best one — you only have to play for 20 minutes, you’re done at like 6:30pm, and when your set is over you can just focus on important stuff like getting absolutely shit-faced. See? Way better than headlining.”

Others weren’t as adept at putting a positive spin on the situation.

“The venue may have been at 50% capacity during our set, but to me it just looked half empty,” said singer Jacob Dastart of Angular Cheekbones, the middle band at the show. “It’s like Murphy’s Law where anything at a show that can go wrong will go wrong. For instance, the crowd’s lively moshing in the pit was distracting as hell, our merch sold out so now we have to magically come up with more, and the crowd was singing along so loud I couldn’t even hear myself scream. Seriously, probably the worst show ever.”

Psychologists are well aware that a person’s attitude contributes to their well-being.

“You actually need to strike a healthy balance between optimism and pessimism,” said counselor Judie Wrabbit. “Just think about it. If you’re too optimistic, you’re not going to see that we’ll all be dead in a few years when climate change inevitably destroys everyone except the billionaires. And if you’re too pessimistic, you won’t enjoy the nice 75-degree sunny days in Alaska during January in the meantime. On second thought, maybe there’s no right answer here. You do you.”

At press time, Dungeons and Koalas checked their Spotify account and noticed that they had a whole four listeners for the month, a “highly encouraging and unprecedented amount” in their opinions.

But I Swim So Much Better When I Have Active Diarrhea

Posted on by Andrew Battat

The greatest innovations in the world are seldom gradual. They surprise us. Even shock us. Well, I harnessed the power to control my active diarrhea at will, giving myself a boost of speed while underwater. That’s why I’m calling bullshit on outdated and unjust pool rules. How dare you tell me to stay out of the pool when I have active diarrhea. That’s when I do my best swimming!

By asking me not to be in the pool while I have diarrhea, you are asking an athlete not to perform at their peak. In the ’90s would you have told Michael Jordan to stop winning championships? No! Now let me, the Michael Jordan of poo-propulsion, get in the pool!

Oh, I get it. You just don’t believe me. Fine. Allow me to explain my innovation using science.

Newton’s laws of motion tell us that when you push a heavy box, you are also being pushed back by the box with an equal and opposite force. This phenomenon is known as the conservation of momentum and the same physics are at play here. As the diarrhea is shot out at a high velocity, the rest of my body is propelled forward, thereby keeping the system’s total momentum constant.

Or maybe you think this makes me a cheater. Look, I’m not competing in the Olympics here. I just want to poop-shoop my way around the deep end for a while.

Well, if I still haven’t convinced you then maybe this quote from 23-time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps will do it. “If you want to be the best, you have to do things that other people aren’t willing to do.”

I couldn’t agree more, Michael. See you in the pool, brother.

Incubus Once Again Voted Most Popular Band for People Who Almost Did Shrooms Once

Posted on by Ted Pillow

LOS ANGELES — Incubus was voted the Most Popular Band for People Who Almost Did Shrooms Once for the 21st consecutive year in an unofficial poll, sources who described the band’s catalog as “totally trippy!” confirmed.

“Hell yeah I voted for Incubus!” exclaimed superfan Gavin Eckstein. “I’ve been a huge supporter ever since their set at Lollapalooza 2003 really saved my ass. My buddies and I were partying all day and things got pretty intense and I started totally freaking out. I actually tried entering one of those medical tents they set up for people having bad trips, but they kicked me out because apparently it’s ‘meant for people on psychedelics, not guys who drink four lukewarm Twisted Teas on an empty stomach and start drunk-crying.’ Thank god Incubus’s music was there to guide me through that dark place.”

Incubus released a statement thanking their fans for helping them earn the honor once again.

“We never could have done this without our amazing fans, all of whom almost took shrooms once during their sophomore year of college,” lead singer Brandon Boyd posted to Instagram. “If you’ve ever been out to see us live, you know there’s nothing like an Incubus concert. We love looking out from the stage and seeing tens of thousands of people almost letting loose, almost knowing the words to our songs, and almost having a good time!”

However, although Incubus is beloved by the almost-tripped-once crowd, not everyone is enamored with the band.

“I can’t tell you how much time I’ve wasted trying to work Incubus tailgates,” drug dealer Ryan Quinn explained while hanging out in his car in a Wendy’s parking lot. “That’s my least favorite band, I’ll tell you that. I tried dealing at their shows for years because I figured their fans would be looking for some shrooms or molly or something. But they’d just ask me a million questions about whether or not it was safe without ever buying anything. Seriously, you’ll never see so many damn sober people using devil sticks and playing hacky sack as you will at an Incubus concert.”

As of press time, it had been announced that Alien Ant Farm had once again been voted the Most Popular Band for People Who Almost Did Marijuana Once.

George Constanza Pretends to Be in Architects

Posted on by Steve Esparra

NEW YORK — Local unemployed man George Costanza attempted to impress colleagues by pretending to be a member of metalcore band Architects while out to dinner last night, confirmed sources close to the compulsive liar.

“Dinner started out fine, I asked what he did for a living and he just said ‘I’m in Architects’ very confidently,” said Lilly Haverbrook, Costanza’s companion for the evening. “When I asked what albums he was on, he just said ‘Have you heard the latest one?’ I’m a big fan of the band so I asked if he meant 2021’s ‘For Those That Wish to Exist,’ and he just slowly nodded. I was skeptical, so I googled it while he went to the bathroom. But when I told him I didn’t see him on the album credits, he said it’s because he was using his music pseudonym, Art Vandelay. I really have no way of proving he’s lying, other than the fact he’s not in any of the band’s photos, promotional material, and definitely wasn’t on stage any of the dozen times I’ve seen the band live.”

The short, stocky, slow-witted Costanza was quick to rope his friends into the lie, including comedian Jerry Seinfeld.

“I was watching the Mets when George called me in a panic explaining he’s dating a new woman, and if she asks I need to confirm that he did in fact play bass for the English metalcore band Architects from 2017 to 2020. I pretended I didn’t know it was him by saying ‘uncle Leo?’ and then he screamed ‘Jerry!’” explained Seinfeld. “Well, he has always wanted to pretend to be in Architects. But I doubt he has ever even heard ‘Hollow Crown’ before. This is really more Kramer’s style of music. Although I have heard George mutter the phrase ‘all our gods have abandoned us’ many, many times. So who knows? And what’s the deal with metalcore, anyway?”

After the date, Costanza took Haverbrook to meet his parents, who were equally confused.

“Architects? Aren’t they just music school dropouts who say ‘blegh’ and write the chug-chug riffs?! Metalcore hasn’t been the same since The Dillinger Escape Plan disbanded!” George’s father Frank Costanza screamed to no one in particular. “I don’t care if he says it’s called a ‘breakdown.’ It sounds like he’s having a mental breakdown if you ask me! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE YANKEES?!”

At press time, Costanza was seen at Terminal 5 in Manhattan attempting to scheme his way into an Architects show using a “backstage pass” purchased from Bob Sacamano.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

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