SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Technically stunning guitarist Peter Lakely tested a $6k Gibson Les Paul for hours at Guitar Gallery before ultimately only buying one measly pack of strings, frustrated shop employees reported.
“You don’t want to be that person who waltzes into a guitar shop and hogs a priceless heirloom guitar for hours without buying anything,” explained Lakely, who took 20 minutes to choose a satisfactory set of Ernie Ball strings. “So that’s why I bought the strings. It totally justifies the fact that I never once surrendered the guitar even while people with actual interest in it lingered near me. Sorry dickhead, you should have gotten here when the store opened like I did.”
Sam Olwell, manager of Guitar Gallery, admits that guitar hostage situations like this happen more frequently than people may realize.
“Most customers get the hint when I walk over and ask if they need anything, it means my mental clock is ticking,” said Olwell, who is considered a master in the art of guitar kidnapping negotiation. “But that clown doesn’t pick up on social cues at all. He comes in here a few times a month and just sits there, head down, repeatedly practicing sweep picking. My usual quips of ‘yep, a lot of people are interested in that one’ and ‘want to try another one?’ don’t get the point across. And he thinks five bucks on a pack of strings totally absolves his behavior. He’s good. He’s damn good.”
Friends of Lakely state that his proclivity for taking a demo opportunity and extending it to godly proportions isn’t limited to guitars.
“Peter once test drove a Nissan for three hours, did a bunch of errands, and put on 81 miles,” said lifelong friend Lila Klein. “The dealership was just so relieved to have it back after he said he was taking it ‘around the block.’ He never technically lied, because he did go around the block several times. He’s also never bought a mattress. He orders beds online, uses them for 99 of their 100 day trials, and returns them saying they are uncomfortable.”
Lakely has reportedly met his match as a precocious teen guitarist has started demoing a 100w Marshall stack at full volume during his usual Les Paul time, which Lakely believes is “rude.”