Press "Enter" to skip to content

White Liberals Quietly Take Down Yard Sign For Tax Season

CAMP HILL, Penn. — Suburban couple George and Esme Albertson discretely removed their sweatshop-grade cardboard yard sign, which professed unwavering support for people of all races, genders, and socioeconomic classes, just prior to meeting with their CPA, suddenly less vocal sources confirmed.

“We put up the sign in the first place because we want everyone who drives past to know that our house is a safe space and that hate has no place in this home. It’s just that, you know, with the economy the way it is, it’s not like we can, well, you know,” explained Esme Albertson while retweeting a Huffington Post article she didn’t read. “Look, I’m an ally. But George and I really want to vacation in Cabo again this year and I’m just worried we won’t be able to afford the deluxe package if the IRS takes all our hard inherited money just to squander it on some social programs or whatever.”

Friend and Neighbor Deborah Plescoh detailed the sign’s history and her relationship with the couple.

“I remember the day they got that sign. George flagged down my car as I pulled in and pointed at it while screaming ‘I accept you!’ over and over. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a lesbian, which is confusing because he’s met my husband many times,” said Plescoh. “[The Albertsons] are nice enough people, but frankly, I’m relieved that that fucking sign is gone. Ever since they got it they’ve been acting really weird. The other day I saw Esme give the black power salute to a stray tuxedo cat.”

Tax attorney Diane Fromershon explored the connection between ineffectual white allyship and the prospect of a fat tax rebate.

“I see this all the time. I can’t tell you how many affluent white couples come into my office wearing Black Lives Matter pins and bitching about the billionaire class only to immediately clam up when I tell them how much they owe in property taxes on that new swimming pool,” explained an exasperated Fromershon. “Hey, as long as they have their 1099s, I’m not here to judge. But yeah, maybe they should rethink that yard sign before they complain about the school tax again.”

At press time, the Albertsons had revised the yard sign to include the phrase “within fiscal reason” in parentheses.