Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

How To Look Punk Even Though You Wake Up at Decent Hour Every Day and Treat Your Body With Respect

Posted on March 10, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

So the long nights of partying, getting wasted, and 2 am Taco Bell have taken a toll on your aging, squishy body. You figured it’s time to commit to a reasonable sleep routine and to take care of what’s left of your worn and tattered flesh prison. Unfortunately, health and hygiene are undeniably not punk and, as we all know, being seen as punk is a very important part of being well into your 30s. Well don’t worry, we’ve put together a guide to help you maintain that punk cred even though you now have the diet and sleep schedule of everyone you’ve ever hated.

Peacocking has become more difficult since your thinning hair left your trihawk without a middle section, so it’s time to accessorize your look. Bandanas, buttons, battle jackets, butt flaps; the more the better. Real punks, like those with parents who provide financial stability, wear more accessories than they can remember to take off at the end of a long day of punking.

Another tip to maintain punk cred while making plans to live past 40 is to embrace DIY. Not in the sense that you’re going to “do it yourself” in regards to home projects and creative endeavors. For the love of God don’t do that. We just mean the “DIY” aestetic. Seriously, you can just slap these three letters on basically anything to instantly invoke scene credibility.

Hell, the term “DIY” has been co-opted by oblivious non-punk middle-aged mommy bloggers, even if actual punks don’t buy your bullshit, you can at least feel cool in front of them. And feeling cool, after all, that’s what this is really about.

Toxic Couple Staying Together for the Unprotected Sex

Posted on March 10, 2022 by Matt McInerney

INDIANAPOLIS — Local couple Darren Ganon and Sally Bouchard-Sanchez announced they will continue pursuing their toxic relationship in order to maintain a steady diet of unprotected sex, confirmed sources trying to avoid the couple entirely.

“We do have our screaming fights that usually end with some mild to severe property damage. And yeah, maybe I have had to lie about almost everything just to get by, but do you know how much work it takes to get to this place in a relationship? It’s nearly impossible to convince women that I’m allergic to latex and Sally never questioned it,” said Ganon while sending sexual texts to multiple ex-girlfriends. “We may not be great together but we’ve got something going for us. Some of my friends worry that she might set my car on fire again, but I don’t worry about that anymore because the judge said she will go to jail for six months this time.”

Bouchard-Sanchez had her own selfish and upsetting reasons for staying.

“I feel like I do all of the work. I’m always the only one who compromises, but I can also remember having to sit down with boyfriends and have ‘the talk.’ You know the one: explaining all of the diseases you have. I just can’t do that again,” said Bouchard-Sanchez, cringing as she imagined it. “Darren and I just have so much in common: Herpes, HPV, Hepatitis, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea. He’s not the perfect boyfriend, but it’s not like I can find someone with the exact same list of diseases. Not in this day and age.”

Emberly Walsh, a psychologist and relationship expert, weighed in to explain this phenomenon.

“People stay in toxic relationships for a lot of reasons: low self-esteem, intermittent reinforcement, fear of loneliness,” Walsh said, pushing a pair of blacked-rimmed glasses back into place. “This sounds somewhat unique though. I can’t say I’ve heard of this exactly… Maybe we can call this a bias towards ‘investment?’ There certainly is some low self-esteem going on. Honestly though, I know this will sound a bit unprofessional, but I think they may both just be garbage-people who deserve each other.”

At press time, Ganon was seen heading toward that Tex-Mex grill he hates so he could steal some more hot sauce packets.

6 Cats That Think They’re Fucking Better Than Me (And 4 That Are)

Posted on March 10, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Cats. They think they’re so fucking above it all, with their fur and their tails and their crepuscular-ass lifestyle. But you know what? They’re not. And to prove it, here is a list of six feline fools who seem to think they’re better than me, and aren’t by a goddamn mile.

And also four that are, because these specific cats (but not all!) are pretty amazing and I’m sort of a fuck up.

I have absolutely nothing to prove to most of these cats.

Condo Cat: This calico motherfucker thinks he’s the shit. I see him every day when I walk to work, gazing down at me from the third-story window of a condominium. Even from my vantage point, I can see the condescension on his piebald little face. If you’re so great, why don’t your people own a free-standing structure? And just because I regularly slip in the mud outside your condo and fall down while schoolchildren laugh at me, that doesn’t make you better than me.

Alan: Alan belongs to my friend Alan, and don’t the two of them think it’s hilarious they have the same name. Newsflash, Alan the cat and Alan the human: sometimes people and animals are named the same thing! It’s not unique! And if you think excluding me from your private little joke makes me feel inferior, you’re dead wrong, Alans.

Christian Dior: Okay, I will concede that Christian Dior, the bodega cat around the corner from my studio, is just objectively better than me. That little dude watches over AZ Grocery & Sandwich day and night, and good luck trying to shoplift a 100 Grand Bar without him hissing to narc you out. That’s a dedication to a job I could never match. Plus, he can break a rat’s neck in one try, and it takes me like four.

Fluffy Fluff Fluff: Ya ain’t that fluffy, motherfucker. You have a fluffy tail, at best. Your paws? No fluff. Your primordial pouch of a belly? No fluff. If the humidity is bad, I have way, way fluffier hair than that cat anyday. Game, set, match. Bitch.

Loki: For a cat named after the Norse god of mischief, my neighbor’s cat Loki is pretty damn easy to fool. I was house-sitting for a weekend, and half the time, Loki seemed surprised to see me. HELLO, Loki! You saw me ten minutes ago, making fluffernutters in the kitchen. I already told you I would be here till Monday.

Pukey: I’ll grant you, you would not think a lot of a cat named Pukey. But that little guy is a marvel. His fur is glossy as fucky, and he can fall asleep, like anywhere. It takes me a nightly melatonin and a $1200 white noise machine and I can still barely sleep a wink. I got to give the win to Pukey on this one.

The Dauphin: This cat is the true heir to the throne of France. Pretty clear he’s better than me.

Jimmy Dean: Not only is this domestic short hair not better than me, he’s not even better than a Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage Roll. Frankly those things are a great value, and better than the two of us combined.

Everlong: One of the more overrated Foo Fighters songs, and one of the more overrated cats.

Artorio: What can I say about Artorio that has not already been said? He is grace. He is style. His purrs are such things dreams are made of, and the sheer depth of personality you can see in his glorious green eyes outweighs any human I’ve ever met. I thank God every day that I have met Artorio, and gladly acknowledge him as my superior.

All hail Artorio!

Local Venue ‘Stage’ Defined by Painter’s Tape

Posted on March 10, 2022 by Matt McInerney

GREENFIELD, Mass. — Local venue ‘owner’ Preston Landers is reportedly ‘stoked’ to show off his new space, especially the bespoke ‘stage’ he fashioned himself out of standard blue painters tape, sources confirmed.

“Let me show you around! First, check out the tent by that big green dumpster there. I call it ‘the green room,’ that’s for VIPs,” said Landers while scaring off a family of raccoons using the tent for shelter. “And there’s my stage! I used some of the best painter’s tape in the business so it should really hold up. It’s not Scotch, but the guy at the hardware store said it’s just as good. Oh and check out my sound system! My dad didn’t want these old computer speakers, so I strung together a few dozen adapters, ran it through my mixer, and now it makes noise. Don’t worry, it won’t catch on fire as long as it’s unplugged.”

Touring grindcore band, Face Ruiner, were less enthusiastic as they stepped into the venue for the first time.

“What a nightmare! We drove for nine hours to get here, then walked into this shithole. I was already unsettled when I noticed the only surge protector’s cord running under the door. Then, we saw the ‘mic stand’ was just a ski pole with a megaphone taped to it. Even the food he promised us had bite marks in it,” said Damon Bobby, one of the band’s two vocalists. “On top of that, we found out he’d added eight shitty local bands to open for us. Doors were at 8 p.m., so by my math, we wouldn’t start playing until tomorrow. Luckily we managed to talk several bands into ‘headlining’ so we could leave early.”

Don Staffer, a promoter and consultant for venues across the country, was not surprised to hear any of this.

“Building a great performance space takes time and experience, but that’s lost on these idiots,” said Staffer. “You should see some of the clown shows I’ve walked into. In Philly, I saw a guy use the cones he was saving his parking space with to outline a makeshift stage. In Atlanta, some asshole had lined up six plastic folding tables he called ‘risers.’ In Birmingham, I remember the booker just pointing at a rancid grease stain on the floor. I’d never seen a stage you had to find by smell before.”

At press time, Landers was seen chastizing members of the opening band Donkey Bong for setting up across the room in a taped-off area meant to be used as a unisex bathroom.

Late Bloomer Finally Gets Nautical Star Tattoos

Posted on March 9, 2022 by Shaina Joyce

PITTSBURGH — Self-proclaimed “scene kid” and 38-year-old woman Kaitlyn Holden adorned her body with two nautical star tattoos twenty years too late, according to sources who spotted her purchasing her first studded belt from Spencer’s Gifts.

“I haven’t been sure what to get, but I knew I wanted to get something tattooed and just had to decide already. I really wanted something meaningful so I went with the nautical stars,” Holden said, smearing Aquaphor on the fresh tattoo. “You see, these are what guided sailors home, and I’m kind of like a sailor, just trying to navigate my way through life. That’s why they mean so much to me. I almost got the cherry blossoms for the same reason, but pink makes me look kind of washed out, so it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Local tattoo artist “Rad” Brad Naholnik, recognized the ubiquitous design from the website “101 Coolest Nautical Star Tattoo Designs,” from which Holden took a screenshot and texted to him along with her deposit.

“I had to Google if it was okay to tattoo nautical stars on a person that wasn’t a sailor. Cancel culture is so insane now, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t offending any real sailors,” he explained “I figured she would want something a little more feminine, like a dandelion turning into butterflies, but she opted for the nautical stars. At first I thought maybe she was getting them because Tila Tequila has the same ones, considering her age, but the placement was off.”

Those close to Holden are happy she has found an image choice that makes her happy, despite the enormous levels of embarrassment felt on her behalf.

“She’s talking about getting her eyebrow pierced next, I’m hoping it’s just a phase but she has maxed out her 401k the last two years so I feel like any choices at this point are gonna stick pretty well,” Holden’s mom, Kathy, shared her concern about the new tattoo. “Kaitlyn’s father and I don’t mind her getting tattoos, we’re just worried about the image choices. I mean, a nautical star? She’s always been a late bloomer, but this is getting embarrassing.”

When asked about getting more ink, Holden said she was already thinking about adding on “maybe some lyrics, I really like that one song ‘Cute Without the E’, so that would be cool.”

Fuck: Venue Changes Entry Stamp Design Just As Punk Has Finally Mastered Drawing It

Posted on March 9, 2022 by Amanda Russel

CHICAGO — Local venue The Brain Factory has abruptly changed the design of its entry stamp, much to the dismay of artistic punk Mel Kravtsova, who had just mastered the nuances of the block letters “OK.”

“I tried to draw it for weeks. I wasted my money on entry to get stamped last November so I could practice. Months go by, it finally happened, I drew it right and then they fucking change it to some circle design bullshit?” said Kravtsova, with a small hint of sadness. “That just goes to show that no matter how hard you work to make something great and meaningful, the little guy is always getting fucked over.”

Support from the community at Mel’s endeavor is evident in best friend and regular venue attendee Spike Nowak, who cannot stop raving about her friend’s genius stroke of innovation.

“The day she first drew it right we both had tears in our eyes. We went on a journey together and now we’re finally here, and we’re never going to pay cover here again, or so we thought,” Nowak stated. “Then, just like that, basically our entire world came crashing down. I can’t believe they decided to do this to us. We have to start again all the way back at square one. It never ends. She’s gonna need a Goddamn art degree just to get us into shows.”

Noticeably tired doorman Steve Vega, however, said he didn’t see what all the fuss was about.

“I dunno, we just fuckin’ felt bad for her because she comes here so much,” Vega confided. “We know she’s just been drawing it on. Anyone can draw block letters. I can draw block letters and I can’t even draw a stick figure. My dog can draw block letters. We just ran out of black ink, so we had to switch it, it wasn’t because we found her out or give a shit. The locks on the toilet paper holders, however, are absolutely because of her.”

At press time, Kravtsova was licking the back of her hand and pressing it against the stamped hand of a friend to gain entry into a $3 show.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Five Warning Signs Your HVAC Guy Isn’t in a Band

Posted on March 9, 2022 by Kevin Tit

You need quality assurance from your HVAC repairman. That’s why it’s imperative that you, the consumer, know for a fact that your HVAC guy is in a shitty local band. Sure, between the casual profanity and face tattoos, it might seem like it’s safe to say he is but how are you supposed to know for sure? Fear not! Here are five warning signs that may mean the unthinkable: your HVAC guy is not in a band.

Punctuality – Did he show up on time? If so, there’s a good chance this guy ain’t a real rocker. Real rockers don’t show up until at least ten minutes after they’re supposed to be finished. If he respects you and your home, odds are he does this job full time and has no room in his life for playing music.

Smells Good – If your HVAC guy doesn’t reek of body odor and cigarettes then we’re afraid he probably didn’t play a poorly-attended show last night. Worse, if he’s not at least hungover it’s a clear red flag that he’s got a pretty decent grasp on his life.

Brings Tools – Did your HVAC guy show up and immediately ask if it was cool to borrow your tools because he didn’t wanna have to dig through his car to find his? No? Then odds are he’s not in a band. Banish his from your home at once!

Works in Silence – Do you hear top 40 radio being blasted out of a speaker? Did you see the HVAC guy wearing any headphones while working? No? Well that right there is another red flag. Not just in the sense that he probably doesn’t play in a band but also in the sense that you may have let a legitimate psychopath into your home.

Goes Home – If your HVAC guy plays in a band then there is a one million percent chance he will ask you if it’s cool to crash. Floor, couch, doesn’t matter. They’re more than comfortable. However, if they’re going back home at the end of the day then I’m sorry to say, they are most definitely not in a band.

Woman Honestly Glad Man is Gatekeeping Nu-Metal

Posted on March 9, 2022 by Neel Bhakta

CHICAGO 一 Local woman and record collector Sara Yousefi feels extremely relieved and happy that a random man has decided to gatekeep nu-metal, groaning sources reported.

“I was just minding my business and checking out some records when some random dude with chains jangling around slapped a copy of ‘Hybrid Theory’ out of my hands. He started following me around and saying I’m too ‘girly’ to actually understand the deep and soulful lyrics of nu-metal,” said Yousefi. “Honestly, thank fucking Christ! People have always told me to expand my taste in my music, but now I don’t have to be exposed to that shitty genre. This is the greatest harassment I’ve received in years, and only the second one I’ve endured today.”

The man who confronted Yousefi and countless other women has unknowingly been hailed as a hero in the local community.

“Yeah, it really fucking irks me when you have these random girls walking around the record store like they know what real music is. This one chick, she just strolled right past the M-section, like, I guess Mushroomhead doesn’t exist anymore,” spat out Aaron “Zeembo” Johnson. “If you’re gonna listen to nu-metal, you gotta commit fully. I want to see the baggy JNCOs, the infected cheek piercings, and the flame tats across the entire length of your arms. Otherwise, don’t fucking bother listening to intellectuals like Fred Durst speak the truth and stick with your Built to Spill records or whatever.”

Experts studying the relationship between music listening habits and gender have recently released a report focusing on nu-metal.

“After extensive research, hours of interview footage, and years of analysis, we can safely conclude that white dudes named Aaron and Kyle are 100% responsible for scaring women away from nu-metal,” said Dr. Emily Watanabe. “Subsequently, their gatekeeping has also limited the growth of the genre to larger audiences, which all reports indicate, is a net positive for society. Now all that’s left to do is find someone to angrily gatekeep shitty beer and then we’re really in a good spot.”

At press time, Johnson was found questioning why every local show is such a sausage fest.

Impressive: This Misogynist Has No Masculine Traits

Posted on March 8, 2022 by Dom Turek

As a nod to traditional western values, local misogynist John Buswell told his new girlfriend to get her fat ass in the kitchen and make him lunch, but nothing with tomato because it triggers his acid reflux and gives him a belly ache.

Unbelievable! Despite all of his patriarchal views and 1950s moral outlook, this man has absolutely no masculine traits at all!

“Look, I expect a warm meal on the table after breaking my back all day podcasting and selling vintage T-shirts online,” he said. “I told her to get in there and make me a sandwich because touching deli meats grosses me out. Also, last time I tried to make a sandwich, I cut my finger on a butter knife and it still kind of stings.”

Way to break from toxic masculine stereotypes, John! What a progressive trendsetter!

John has always dedicated his life to enforcing traditional gender roles since his junior year of high school after someone asked him to prom as a joke. According to the caption on an Instagram post of John wearing a shirt in the pool, “As the physically superior sex, a man’s natural place is leading the charge.”

“Like it or not, men are the superior sex,” John told us as he waited for his girlfriend to assist him in opening a jar. “That’s why I always hire a man to change my oil, fix my plumbing, and hang Ikea shelves for me.”

When reached for a follow-up, John reported that he was newly single and ready to get back on the market just as soon as his mom comes over and kills the spider near the keys to his Vespa.

Breakthrough: Panic Attack About Something Real This Time

Posted on March 8, 2022 by Matt McInerney

BOSTON — Local woman Ava Rivera experienced what she believed to be a breakthrough last week after suffering her first panic attack about something realistically terrifying, a source confirmed.

“I was riding the elevator to my office when it happened. I noticed the lights start to flicker. Suddenly, the cab went dark and I swear I felt the floor shift under me. I started to tremble as I pictured the support cables giving out. I imagined dropping 30 stories to my death,” she said, reliving the horror. “As terrifying as it was, it was actually kind of a relief to possibly be faced with the thing I was absolutely hyperventilating over. I’ve spent so much time giving my energy to the impending sense of doom that comes with, I don’t know, geomagnetic reversal kicking in overnight, that I’d forgotten what it feels like to worry about falling down an elevator shaft at top speed. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t kind of refreshing.”

Darren Roy, Rivera’s longtime boyfriend, seemed excited by this news.

“I usually have to pretend I understand what she’s upset about and make some sort of face or reassure her that a tidal wave isn’t going to carry everyone away and our dog isn’t going to die from starvation after getting locked inside the house, but this one I get,” said Roy. “Her other ones, like how reinforced concrete is reaching its 50-year lifespan and every skyscraper is about to crumble… I mean, come on. Or like when she’d get all worked up detailing the impending plague that would wipe out… actually, I might owe her an apology on that one.”

Korbyn Ryerson, a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has been seeing Rivera for years, didn’t seem as thrilled as Roy.

“I think it’s splendid that Ava is starting to overcome some of her more creative triggers. While I don’t know if I feel comfortable calling this a ‘breakthrough,’ I have to admit, the idea of plummeting to my death would probably ruffle my feathers too,” he said. “Though it would be lovely if this means a tad fewer canceled appointments due to scenarios like solar storms devastating the electrical grid. I mean, scientists say we’d only get a 15-minute warning, not even enough time to react before society descends into absolute chaos, so keep counting the ridges on that quarter and just walk your ass over here.”

At press time, Roy was forwarding his girlfriend an article about climate change, hoping he and Rivera could bond over the horror of it.

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