Dad Buys Daughter Record Player So Boxes of Old Records Will Be Her Problem

Posted on by Billy Patterson

HAGERSTOWN, Md. — Local father Ron Merchant bought his daughter a record player so that the family’s hundreds of old vinyl albums would become her problem in a matter of years, generous sources confirmed.

“Julia’s a big music fan, so I thought a record player would be the perfect present for her twenty-second birthday,” said Merchant, dropping a box labeled “Aerosmith-Frank Zappa” outside his daughter’s bedroom door. “But mainly I needed someone else to deal with all these old records. I’ve been moving them from house to house, room to room for the last thirty years, and I just don’t have the energy. I work hard to give my kids a good life, the least they can do is store this crap so I can finally put a TV in the basement.”

Julia Merchant, Ron’s daughter, is intrigued by the present and by the experience of physical media.

“People my age can open an app on their phone and instantly hear any song ever recorded, so it will be fun to see what it’s like to use a record player, and clean the needle, and take up actual physical space in the universe for something called ‘Frampton Comes Alive!’” Julia Merchant explained. “I am a little concerned about the logistical details that are gonna be involved in keeping this shit with me until I have kids to dump them on, though. It’s kind of hard to enjoy the warm sound of vinyl when I’m worried that one of these boxes could fall on me at any second, and are probably crawling with mold.”

Local thrift store owner, Jeremy Quiroz, says that he encounters young people in possession of their parent’s prized record collections on a regular basis.

“Every day I have a bewildered idiot walking in here begging me to take some boxes of vinyl records, usually about a week after their parents were in here asking me the same thing. Which is why I don’t accept records anymore, but I take all the record players I can get,” Quiroz stated. “I feel bad for these kids; they don’t want the albums, and there’s no way to get rid of them. People used to dump them in the ravine by I-81, but the police caught on.”

At press time, a disillusioned Merchant left a box of dusty paperback books at the door of his son’s room.

Stunning Golden Retriever Aware She Way Out of Family’s League

Posted on by Dianne Nora

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local golden retriever owned by the Blanchard family, Sammy, is aware that she’s totally out of the league of the relatively plain, rather dowdy family she lives with, sources confirm.

“When we’re out for a walk or at the park, I recognize the stares I get from people and dogs alike as I’m passing by,” ruffed Sammy, stopping to lick the thick, golden fur above her left paw. “I realize that not everything is about looks, and I don’t think less of them for not being very attractive, but even when it comes to personality, I still outshine the rest of the group. I mean, I don’t see the bank running out to give these idiots treats every time they walk by, and when we show up at the dog park? Well, it’s not the 13-year-old who’s getting asked where she gets her hair done, just sayin.’”

Susan Blanchard, the family matriarch, remained diplomatic about her children’s looks, but she acknowledged Sammy’s superior appearance.

“I’d like to think my girls are all fairly handsome in their own way, particularly as they continue to grow into their large foreheads,” Blanchard said, sharing photos of her daughters that are slightly out of focus and heavily edited. “But I’d be lying if I said Sammy isn’t particularly breathtaking. Her lustrous coat, her svelte figure, those eyes so deep you can practically get lost in them… no one can deny she’s the goodest and most beautiful girl, yes she is!”

Stacey Lynn, a local pet photographer, said Sammy could easily transition toward pet modeling.

“Everyone thinks their pet is cute, and in my line of work, I do see a lot of very adorable animals, but Sammy has the sort of presence and commanding beauty that could get her booked all over. She has broad appeal — the sort of All-American look that could translate to mass markets, like Alpo or Science Diet, but also more elite, niche castings like rubber booties, which require a really chic model. It just breaks my heart to see her owners holding her back. I’m afraid casting agents might see them first and shudder, before they get a chance to really experience Sammy in all her glory.”

At press time, Sammy confided that she was beginning to suspect that she may have been adopted.

Woman Bravely Powers Through Instagram Warning that She’s Been on App Too Long

Posted on by Dianne Nora

OAK PARK, Ill. — Lexie Henriques courageously ignored a notification suggesting it may be “Time to close Instagram?,” nobly ignoring the setting she enabled to protect her mental health in favor of mindlessly scrolling.

“This wellness influencer posted a screenshot from an article a while ago that said maybe Instagram could be bad for you if you use it too much, and I was like, omg, drag me, so I shared it to my story,” Henriques said, darting her eyes up from her phone periodically while speaking. “But there’s this thing you can set up where the app asks if you want to take a break if you use it continuously for thirty minutes. I saw the notification pop up, but I decided to gather all my strength and keep scrolling. If a friend posts a selfie, or someone shares a recipe, or there’s an infographic going around on how to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, I’m willing to sacrifice my personal well-being to give it a like or even a share.”

Henriques’ twelve-year-old son, Noah, said he was particularly proud of his mom for ignoring the app’s warning.

“A lot of people would have taken the easy way out and put their phones down, or even switched to Facebook or Twitter for a minute, but I’m proud my mom was able to power through and keep staring at Instagram,” the junior Henriques confirmed, while watching a YouTube video on his iPad. “It also means I can get away with looking at whatever I want because she doesn’t really notice. I can tell she made this decision for me, because right after ignoring the notification, she shared a post from a moms meme page about how moms are always thinking of their kids first and wine second.”

Kirk Sullivan, an Instagram programmer, said that the new feature did not seem to be drawing significant users away from the app.

“People accuse Instagram of being addictive, particularly for young people, and we at Meta really took that to heart,” Sullivan acknowledged. “The fact is, none of the self-regulation tools we have offered to consumers are really catching on. But that hasn’t deterred us. We’re innovating a range of warnings to users, letting them know the dangers of too much scrolling. These warnings will be sent as an email they can access by periodically searching through their spam folder. Users can also enter the Meta-verse and interact directly with an avatar of Mark Zuckerberg to see firsthand how alienating and off-putting you can become if you spend too much time on social media.”

At press time, Henriques was ignoring the multiple fire alarms and sprinklers going off in her office building to continue selflessly monitoring Instagram.

How To Stop Chewing Your Nails and Start Chain Smoking Cigarettes

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Chewing your fingernails is a disgusting habit and there’s no better time to kick your lingering vice than right now. In fact, it’s much easier to quit than you might think. Yup, you read that correctly. You can totally stop biting your nails today! All you have to do is replace that nasty addiction with a simple pack-a-day cigarette smoking regimen and you’ll be growing out your claws in no time.

Here are some tried-and-true tips for going cold turkey on nail chewing by going ham on cigarettes.

Every time you have the urge to bite a nail, reach for a cigarette instead
This will train your brain to associate your wrong habit (biting nails) with your new therapy (Marlboros). Eventually, biting your fingernails will no longer look satisfying to you! In fact, the only thing that can satisfy you is sweet mother nicotine.

Paint your nails to hide that they are yellowing
In this case, nail polish works double-duty. Not only does it taste terrible, preventing a tragic nail-biting relapse, but it also covers up the pesky nail discoloration that comes with ripping cigs every ten minutes.

Don’t worry about the consequences
You may be thinking: is this really a good idea? Smoking can cause major health problems! Well, why the hell are you thinking about those consequences? Just don’t. Besides, the problems cigarettes cause are most likely “future you” problems. Your stubby, jagged fingernails, however, are a “present you” problem. Get your priorities in order.

Besides, it’s not like you have an oral fixation, anxious tendencies, or an addictive personality. Once you’ve fully kicked your nail-biting habit, stopping smoking will be super easy probably!

US Treasury Releases 15 More 1/8″ to 1/4″ Adaptors Into Circulation

Posted on by Peter Woods

WASHINGTON — The United States Treasury announced they will introduce another round of ⅛” to ¼” adaptors into public circulation for the first time in nearly twenty years, the decision comes after weeks of public pressure from congress and the president to provide these resources.

“Releasing these small but important and highly valuable pieces of gear into circulation is not an action we take lightly,” said US Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen while promptly dropping one of the adapters and losing it under a couch. “But the fact remains that millions of musicians, hard-working American musicians, are in need and the U.S. Government needs to take drastic measures to help alleviate their suffering. Yet we recognize that any increase in available adapters will decrease their value. Therefore we will only release a conservative total of 15 adaptors, thus raising the total amount of publicly available adaptors to 47.”

Struggling musicians from across the country celebrated the announcement and expressed their sense of relief.

“We really, really needed this,” said guitarist and producer Norman Riggs. “This pandemic hasn’t stopped me from working on new beats, but I haven’t been able to hear a single thing I’ve worked on for ages. My recording interface only has a quarter inch jack and this dude ran off with my adaptor two years ago, so I’ve just been lining things up based on waveforms and hoping for the best. I’m just stoked to hear my last four albums for the first time.”

Still, some working musicians felt disappointed and even angered by the decision.

“What are people like me who have invested serious money into these adaptors supposed to do?” asked self-proclaimed musical entrepreneur and content creator Joel Leonard. “I spent years building my portfolio of adaptors to where it is now: three adaptors, ready to go. The treasury just decided to completely torpedo that investment. I’m pretty sure promoters will stop adding me to bills just because they know I’m the only one in town with enough adaptors to share.”

“Guess I’ll just have to focus my energy on the practice space I run,” added Leonard.

Although the treasury does have intentions to circulate more adaptors, Yellen announced they had no intention of increasing the number of publicly available tuners or drummers anytime soon.

10 Cartoon Easter Eggs You Won’t Believe

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Animators like their fun, don’t they? Since the advent of cartoons, creators have been inserting sly little references, and only the sharpest fans catch them. Here’s some of the wildest cartoon easter eggs you won’t believe!

Uncle Scrooge’s Vault is Full of Gold from Aztec Genocide

Scrooge McDuck is one rich duck! But did you know that according to legendary artist Carl Barks, Scrooge’s Money Bin is full of gold plundered from the Aztec people by the monster Hernán Cortés and is thus forever tainted with the blood and terror of a massacred people? Not easy to spot!

Scar’s Dark Hair Marks Him as a Descendant of Cain

“The Lion King’s” Scar is one of the Disney Renaissance’s most distinctive, flamboyant villains, but only real fans can tell that his iconic dark mane is an indication that this murderous lion is a direct descendant of Cain, the original murderer of Genesis 4:1-18. Makes him killing his own brother the more ironic, huh?

Scooby-Doo Can Fucking Talk

Most people can’t even tell, but if you listen to Hanna-Barbera’s iconic pooch, he’s clearly fucking talking. That’s wild. He’s a dog, dogs can’t talk.

The Good Dinosaur DVDs

If you check out Pixar’s catalogue of DVDs, you’ll see they carry a copy of something called “The Good Dinosaur,” which is something of a real-life easter egg to the fictional movie of the same title! No such movie exists.

Robin Hood Re-Uses Animation from The Jungle Book, Hinting at a World in Which Disney is Lazy as Fuck

If you watch Disney’s “Robin Hood” (1973) and “The Jungle Book” (1967), you can pick up key little movements and references to a world in which the guys working on these cartoons were real lazy pieces of shit who couldn’t be bothered to do their jobs. First shared universe, maybe?

TMNT Always Portrays Splinter as Sick and Old

Throughout the extended media of the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” franchise, their mentor Splinter is always depicted as being old and sick. This is a subtle, decades-long reference to the fact that age destroys all things and one day we will all be as hobbled and ill as the wise rat. Time makes fools of us all!

The Ren & Stimpy Show

Every easter egg added to the show by creator John Kricfalus is disgusting beyond belief and we refuse to discuss them.

Avatar: The Last Airbender Includes Sly References to the Ancient Tradition of Warfare

Acclaimed Nickelodeon show “Avatar: The Last Airbender” was a three season tale of friendship and magic, but what most don’t realize is that creators Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko inserted numerous references to what was once known as “war.” According to legend, this “war” was a fearsome thing that made many hurt and was beyond what wise men could explain. Wow!

In Life, The Skeletons in That Old Cartoon Were All Hung

The very first “Silly Symphony,” Walt Disney and Ub Iwerk’s 1929 short portrayed four skeletons in a spooky dans macabre. But if those skeletons’ hip structure and confident strut are any indication, when those dudes were alive, they were packing serious heat. The very first Disney easter egg!

Pixar’s Pizza Planet Indicates That None of the Movies Happen in a Universe Where You Exist

Over the years, Pixar has filled their films with hints of a shared world for “Toy Story,” “Ratatouille,” “Monsters Inc.” and the rest, most prominently the Pizza Planet delivery truck. But this truck does not exist in your world, which means you are in a world devoid of magic and friendship. Your world is cold and empty.

Wow!

Friends Worried After Andrew Rea Announces New Show “Purging With Babish”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Close friends of YouTuber and chef Andrew Rea, of “Binging with Babish” fame, recently expressed their apprehension after the announcement of his new web series, reportedly titled “Purging with Babish.”

“To be totally honest, Andrew has been acting weird ever since he got caught up in ‘eating disorder TikTok,’” said friend Brent Petty. “I used to think his whole ‘clean plate award’ thing was just a bit for the show, but now I’m worried that he was literally binging this whole time. He’s a big dude, so I just assumed he genuinely needed to eat that much. I hope he didn’t spend hours on all those deeply complicated and meticulous recreations of fictional food just to boot them down the toilet.”

Members of Rea’s comments section and other content creators suggested that this may in fact be an elaborate scheme to up his plateauing subscriber count.

“I kind of respect it, in a way,” said Twitch streamer Ludwig Ahgren. “We’re always chasing the algorithm, trying to retain engagement and all that, and you wind up just doing more and more drastic stunts. I’ve done plenty of shit that directly causes me bodily harm for the sake of views. Hell, I’d legit cut off my own nipples on air if it got the hype train going. But look at me now. I’m richer than 99.9% of my chat will ever be.”

He paused briefly before adding “It is kinda fucked up, though. If this actually goes live, he’ll get canceled for sure.”

When approached for an in-person interview, Rea himself went out of his way to allay their fears.

“I appreciate the concern of my inner circle, but they are vastly exaggerating,” he said in his trademark baritone. “I do not have an eating disorder. I’m simply taking control of my health using intermittent fasting, aggressive calorie-stacking, and a variety of other techniques,” he continued, sipping what appeared to be lemon juice and cayenne pepper from a Nalgene bottle. “Is it so wrong to want to share my new lifestyle with my community?”

Rea hurriedly power-walked to the restroom mid-interview, and declined to comment further upon his return, citing vocal hoarseness.

Place off Ocean Avenue Now Whole Foods

Posted on by Nuutti Sihvonen

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Sales representative and aging pop-punk Dave Castello was appalled to discover that a frequently visited corner lot in his hometown was converted into a Whole Foods, unsympathetic cashiers confirmed.

“I’m visiting my parents and my mom was totally getting on my case, so I went out for a walk,” a fuming Castello explained. “Picture my surprise when I discovered that this piece of local history had been wiped out by Corporate America. Man, we used to have the time of our lives here, sitting and talking and stuff. Right here by the frozen yogurt aisle is where I threw up after shotgunning my first Four Loko. Where are the kids supposed to have these formative experiences now?”

Rachel Allen, who ashamedly admitted to having dated Castello for a few weeks in junior year, found his emotional response off-kilter.

“I really don’t get it. When we were kids, all Dave used to talk about was how much he hated this town and wanted to leave and ‘run forever.’ You’d think with all that hatred in his heart he couldn’t care less, but he’s treating this place like it was CBGB or some shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into paying fifty dollars for vitamin gummies either, but from what I remember, all we really used to do there was kick around empty beer cans and listen to him talk about how his band was totally going to make it.”

Adnan Seri, a professor who studies gentrification at Brown University, explained that changes in familiar environments can have an emotional effect on people.

“Our hometowns symbolize a certain stability for us, and it’s perfectly normal for any changes in the scenery to trigger anxiety. Unfortunately, cities have to evolve to meet new economic demands,” Seri explained. “I’m sure local kids can find a new place to carve apple bongs and practice kickflips, but there’s only so many places where you can buy overpriced vegetables while listening to an acoustic rendition of ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.’”

At press time, Castello was seen turning the corner off Cherry Street, incoherently babbling about how there must be a way for things to get better.

We Ranked the Movies of Kevin Smith by How Much We’ve Grown Up

Posted on by Dan Rice

If you’re anything like us, you grew up believing that the early films of Kevin Smith were the absolute height of comedy. You probably can’t count the number of times you’ve quoted “I’m not even supposed to be here today!” at work or “Tell em Steve Dave” for no particular reason.

Those first 5 or so films probably hold a special place in your heart to this day, because you have deliberately avoided revisiting them as a grown adult. Stay gold pony people! We went ahead and fell on that grenade for you.

We spent the weekend ruining cherished memories by watching “Clerks’ ‘ through “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” with 30 year old 2022 eyes and ranked them by how much we’ve matured in the last two decades.

5. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
The movie we’ve most outgrown, this thing is a disaster through and through. But hey, part of us kind of knew that when it came out. Maybe we just told ourselves we liked it. Maybe the rest of this won’t be so bad.

4. Mallrats
Okay here’s where it starts to hurt because we for sure loved the shit out of Mallrats, but watching it now it’s, well, Mallrats.

Kevin Smith uses the character Brodie here as a stand in for his own voice. Unfortunately, he does the same thing with every other character in the movie, including a 15 year old sex worker who is played for laughs. Wall to wall yikes.

3. Clerks
I swear to god sucking dicks used to be funnier. Like, it legit was. What happened? Jesus, I think I recommend this movie to my cousin like a year ago? It just came out of my mouth. I told him it was “sardonic,” why would I say that?

2. Chasing Amy
This is a pretty solid attempt at mature, inclusive and interesting subject matter for a 1997 comedy, but with a pretty heavy emphasis on the words “attempt” and “1997 comedy.”

1. Dogma
Dogma actually holds up. No you know what, all this shit holds up, fuck it! Fuck getting old, fuck pretending to grow up, and fuck you! Morris Day and the Motheruckin Time bitch! I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER! Snootchies.

Punk Gets Noticeably Choked Up Telling Story of the Time He Met Henry Rollins at GNC

Posted on by James Knapp

LOS ANGELES -— Local punk Martin McGinnis became wistful and teary-eyed while reminiscing about the time he met punk legend Henry Rollins at a GNC supplement outlet nearly four years ago, confirmed sources who are already intimately familiar with the story.

“The crazy thing is that this was my first time in a GNC. I had just been embarrassed by a push-up challenge on Instagram and I wanted to try to bulk up with creatine. Then just outta nowhere there was Rollins, in the flesh, totally blocking the energy bar aisle,” recalled McGinnis who insisted that he just had something in his eye. “It’s kinda crazy to think back on – so surreal. I mean the guy’s a legend but you always kinda forget how he still needs to buy fiber supplements and echinacea the same as anybody else. I told him I loved Black Flag and he nodded at me and immediately left the store, such a cool guy.”

Assistant manager Kelly Goddard says McGinnis returns on the same day every year hoping to run into Rollins again.

“It’s kind of sad at this point. As a general rule I try not to pay attention to the customers even if they’re talking to me directly. But it’s tough to ignore the guy that comes in and tells everyone who will listen about Henry. I feel bad, Henry is a regular and this happens to him all the time. I usually stay open an extra hour on Thursdays so he can shop without being hounded by these people,” remarked Goddard. “But this one was particularly bad because that guy squealed like my seven-year-old niece when I brought her to see BTS. I was really just glad Henry got out of the store before it got out of control.”

Rollins says that encounters with overemotional fans are quite common.

“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with these people. It’s usually the skinny twerps that come up to me and tell me how much I changed their life. Well, I did a shitty fucking job because these people need to get their shit together,” said Rollins. “They need to stop putting me on a pedestal and they need to take control of their own destiny. And they also need to stop asking me for photos when I’m eating fucking dinner. You really want a picture with me when I have Italian dressing all over my face? Move on.”

McGinnis was last seen openly weeping while recounting the time that Thurston Moore cut him off on the highway.

Photo by Jana Miller