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Late Bloomer Finally Gets Nautical Star Tattoos

PITTSBURGH — Self-proclaimed “scene kid” and 38-year-old woman Kaitlyn Holden adorned her body with two nautical star tattoos twenty years too late, according to sources who spotted her purchasing her first studded belt from Spencer’s Gifts.

“I haven’t been sure what to get, but I knew I wanted to get something tattooed and just had to decide already. I really wanted something meaningful so I went with the nautical stars,” Holden said, smearing Aquaphor on the fresh tattoo. “You see, these are what guided sailors home, and I’m kind of like a sailor, just trying to navigate my way through life. That’s why they mean so much to me. I almost got the cherry blossoms for the same reason, but pink makes me look kind of washed out, so it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Local tattoo artist “Rad” Brad Naholnik, recognized the ubiquitous design from the website “101 Coolest Nautical Star Tattoo Designs,” from which Holden took a screenshot and texted to him along with her deposit.

“I had to Google if it was okay to tattoo nautical stars on a person that wasn’t a sailor. Cancel culture is so insane now, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t offending any real sailors,” he explained “I figured she would want something a little more feminine, like a dandelion turning into butterflies, but she opted for the nautical stars. At first I thought maybe she was getting them because Tila Tequila has the same ones, considering her age, but the placement was off.”

Those close to Holden are happy she has found an image choice that makes her happy, despite the enormous levels of embarrassment felt on her behalf.

“She’s talking about getting her eyebrow pierced next, I’m hoping it’s just a phase but she has maxed out her 401k the last two years so I feel like any choices at this point are gonna stick pretty well,” Holden’s mom, Kathy, shared her concern about the new tattoo. “Kaitlyn’s father and I don’t mind her getting tattoos, we’re just worried about the image choices. I mean, a nautical star? She’s always been a late bloomer, but this is getting embarrassing.”

When asked about getting more ink, Holden said she was already thinking about adding on “maybe some lyrics, I really like that one song ‘Cute Without the E’, so that would be cool.”