If This Bar Didn’t Want To Hear Six Hours of Ska, They Shouldn’t Have an Outlet Near the Jukebox Where I Plugged in My Own Speaker

Posted on by Zach Raffio

We all make mistakes. No matter how large or small, in most situations, they can be forgiven. The factor that determines forgiveness in all shades of folly, however, is if the guilty party is willing to take responsibility. That’s why I don’t even care how drastically they fucked up, I simply want the bar that kicked me out last night to apologize and take responsibility for their role in what happened. If they didn’t want to hear six hours of ska, they shouldn’t have an outlet near the jukebox where I plugged in my own speaker.

Why would the jukebox even be there if they didn’t want music playing in the bar? Following that logic, why would they have a second, open outlet plug next to the jukebox if they didn’t want me, specifically, to use it? I mean, if the bachelorette party over there can spam Lady Gaga from the TouchTunes app on their phones, why can’t I hook up this stage monitor I lugged in from my car and absolutely rip through a playlist filled with fast horns and even faster snares?

The outlet essentially welcomes a move like this. It clearly would not exist if the owners didn’t endorse vigilante ska. If they didn’t want me to stream an entire evening’s worth of two-tone, they shouldn’t be located so close to a coffee shop that has free wifi. I can’t believe this has to be said, but don’t sign a lease 26 years ago if you don’t want someone to steal the communal connection and play bands you swear are Fishbone but I promise are not.

The bar was clearly, in every faction, welcoming my actions. They created an environment that encouraged me to blast bowler hat anthems and it’s time they cop to that. Then, to make things up to me, they’ll let me plug in my PlayStation so I can play Tony Hawk on the big screen behind the bar.

Dive Bar Toilet Thinking About Finally Getting Clean

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

PITTSBURGH — The men’s room toilet at Skelly’s Tavern is seeking treatment after going through a dark period and hopes this is the year it finally gets clean, sources say.

“It is time to take back control of my life. I’ve spent way too many nights getting absolutely tanked, and I’ve finally hit rock bottom,” the toilet said. “You know, there are a lot of pressures as a dive bar toilet…I’m expected to work late into the night, customers and coworkers keep dumping their problems on me, and I get no relief. I’ve been living in filth for so long, and I’m not okay with it anymore. It is time for me to get some serious professional help.”

Many of the customers at Skelly’s, some of whom have been close with the toilet for years, were shocked to hear this news.

“Listen, I’ve been a regular at Skelly’s since I moved here. Winter of ‘16, right after my stint with the Norovirus. I’m here for a few brews and the firecracker wings three times a week,” local punk Jeff Langley disclosed. “In all my visits, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the toilet clean. Maybe I should have noticed, you know, maybe all the signs were there, but…I just honestly didn’t think the toilet was interested in changing. I mean, how many toilet seat covers have we tried to set on it, only to have them just slide right into the bowl? I don’t know…”

Skelly’s General Manager Sarah Ash noted that, while the toilet hasn’t been vocal about seeking help, she had a gut feeling that something was wrong.

“I’ve been avoiding this conversation for a while. To be frank, this environment just isn’t very conducive to getting clean. The sticky floors, the grimy bar stools, the greasy food – all that scum is part of the appeal. It is what keeps our people coming back,” Ash said as she finished off a beer. “But even if customers don’t like the change, and even if our revenue takes a hit because of it, I am finally ready to help the toilet get clean.”

“Not literally, of course. That thing is fucking so disgusting, I’d rather piss in the alley than come within 20 feet of that literal shitshow,” she added.

At press time, a Skelly’s staff member was seen helping the toilet on its journey by spraying Lysol in the air above the toilet before quickly running out of the bathroom before running out of breath.

Why You Should Give Up on Your Dreams but I Shouldn’t

Posted on by Andrew Battat

Hey, losers! Thanks for checking out my stuff. As you know, I’ve been preparing to launch my new album/channel/swimwear/lifestyle brand for the past decade now, but now that I made a TikTok account I’ve finally arrived. As a thank you to my loyal followers, I’m letting you all in on some of the tips and secrets I picked up on my journey. Mainly that you shouldn’t try to become an influencer. Not me, though. My success is just around the corner!

You will almost certainly not achieve the success you think you will
This is gonna be a particularly tough pill for you to swallow. Whereas for me, I’m one of the extremely talented and lucky few who will achieve the wild success for which I know I am destined.

You will be happier long-term if you just do it as a hobby
Stretching a hobby you love into a career only works for the most talented and dedicated. Spend time with your family. I, however, will be happier doing it as a career because I will achieve amounts of success, money, and power the likes of which the world has never seen.

If it was going to happen at this point, it would have already happened
Definitely true for you. For me though, it’s probably just taking a little extra time for whatever reason. Did you know Samuel L. Jackson wasn’t famous until his forties? So were like three other people. And soon, me!

Just accept that you have failed and move on with your life, seriously, you’re bumming everyone out
Sorry to get so serious but someone had to say it. Okay, you go enjoy your regular middle-of-the-road life. I have to start posting if I’m gonna land sponsors and make millions of dollars so I can begin paying back my enormous student loan debt.

Rural Town’s Lone Dell Computer Starting to Get Nervous About This Whole Remote Learning Thing

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

PIKETON, Ohio — A Dell XPS desktop computer belonging to the Piketon Public Library is starting to get nervous upon hearing reports that remote learning is once again being considered for the Pike County School District.

“It’s honestly terrifying. There aren’t a lot of resources here in terms of reliable Wi-Fi or even technology. I’m one of the only computers in town and there’s definitely no funding for more,” said the frazzled PC. “To make things worse, my model is discontinued, so there’s no chance of getting anything upgraded. I only have 1GB of RAM. If one student, let alone the entire student body in Piketon tried to load Zoom on me, I might literally explode. I was supposed to retire last year, God damn this fucking COVID.”

Head Librarian Myrna Smith cautiously admitted that she had been noticing odd things occurring in the computer area of the study since news of the remote learning plan was announced.

“I haven’t told anyone because I’m still a little weirded out, but yesterday morning, I came in and found an empty pack of Pall Mall Reds next to a freshly printed stack of articles detailing the mental health risks of remote learning,” reported Smith. “Even stranger, every time I walk by the workstation, this YouTube video called ‘Relaxing Zen Music With Waterfall Noises * Peaceful’ has been loading itself up and playing at full volume. When I click it off, I swear to god I hear heavy breathing coming from the monitor. It’s almost like it’s… meditating or something.”

Upon hearing word of possible remote learning in the small Ohio village, known philanthropist and CEO of Dell Computers, Michael S. Dell, sprung into action.

“We at Dell understand how difficult it can be for rural areas to allocate resources in such unprecedented times. We want to help lift the burden on the communities that need it most. Effective immediately, my team has been instructed to ship upwards of fifty mousepads to Pike County,” said Dell excitedly. “It’s not much, but it’s quite literally the least we can and will do.”

At press time, Smith had discovered a file on the computer’s desktop entitled “goodbye cruel world.txt”.

We Need an Engagement Boost So We’re Gonna Go Ahead and Say Neutral Milk Hotel Is Pop-Punk

Posted on by Tom Peters

Neutral Milk Hotel rose to prominence at the dawn of the internet age for their surrealistic lyrics and eclectic instrumentation that defied categorization. But did you know they’re actually a pop-punk band?

That’s right. Most people think of Neutral Milk Hotel as one of indie rock’s most beloved, genre-defining bands, but our corporate higher-ups said we need more engagement on our social media posts, so we’re gonna go ahead and say they’re pop-punk.

Yep, all the defining pop-punk characteristics are there: high, nasal singing; fast, pogoing rhythms; songs about teenage girls. Neutral Milk Hotel is as pop-punk as they come. We’re sorry if you didn’t know enough about music to realize that before, but that’s why we’re here, to educate you.

Look at it this way: If Neutral Milk Hotel isn’t pop-punk, then why hasn’t Jeff Mangum emerged from seclusion to respond to this article yet? Have you ever thought about that?

When people talk about the “big 3” of pop punk they’re talking about Blink 182, Sum 41 and Neutral Milk Hotel, and that’s cannon. We’re over here just skanking away to “The King of Carrot Flowers” and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Nothing, that is, but ENGAGE.

Oh please don’t throw us to the briar patch on this one, i.e. sound off in the comments section with your outrage, anything but that! If you do that then your friends will see it and comment, and their friends, and their friends…

Okay let’s throw away this pretense of being “coy.” You know exactly what we’re doing, hell we’re telling we’re doing it, but it doesn’t matter. You just can’t let a statement as infuriating as “Neutral Milk Hotel is Pop-Punk” go, can you? No more games, no more winking and nodding, this is the way of the world and there is nothing either of us can do about it, okay?

This is how it is now, this is how it will always be. Billions of years of evolution, Mesopotamia, the wheel, it was all leading to this. If you don’t like it then by all means, sound off in the comments section.

Goddammit: Venue Has Stairs

Posted on by Anna Walsh

WASHINGTON — Two 20-step staircases at local venue The Disco Motel are among the most hated structures in the city, according to multiple breathless, annoyed patrons.

“I fucking hate this venue. I have to use the Stairmaster at the gym everyday for a month before we play here just to have the stamina to carry all my shit up those fucking stairs,” Poseidon’s Piss drummer Jodi Lowe explained, while taking a break to use their inhaler on the landing between the two staircases. “I can’t imagine what kind of shape the folks who carry the kegs must be in. How do they not even have a service elevator? Is this legal?”

Local showgoer Kiernan Poyle explained their inability to attend shows at the Disco Motel.

“Yeah, as someone with mobility issues, the Disco Motel is a nonstarter,” Poyle stated. “I went once and had to listen to the whole show from like three stairs up until a very kind, huge stranger fireman-carried me into the main room. Maybe if they paid a couple of huge guys to carry people up permanently I could go there again, or you know, they could just install an elevator.”

Venue owner Dave Jesperson is a staunch advocate of keeping the stairs.

“You can’t imagine how awesome these stairs were back in the day. There’s so much room for sitting and passing around Old English, or standing in the poorly lit areas and mackin’ on babes,” Jesperson reminisced, while making a Long Island Iced Tea from the venue’s bar. “I wouldn’t get rid of these stairs if God himself made me, so I’m certainly not going to do it just because it’s ‘legally required’ by the federal government. I’ll just keep jacking ticket prices up to cover the fines.”

At press time, a visibly drunk patron could be seen clinging to the railing, muttering “oh fuck, oh fuck” repeatedly, and gingerly stepping down one steep step at a time.

Biden Takes Day Off Fighting for Voting Rights to Honor MLK

Posted on by Freelancer

WASHINGTON — President Biden paused his current efforts to pass the Freedom to Vote Act and the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act in the Senate to honor the life and legacy of civil rights icon Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. today.

“There is still a tremendous amount of work to do to realize the vision of America that Dr. King dreamed of,” President Biden told a group of journalists gathered outside the White House, where he was spending the day off walking his new dog. “That will take a great deal of reflection and thought. I’m going to spend the day thinking of Dr. King very hard. And if I don’t feel that I’ve done enough reflecting, I might take the rest of the week off to ponder, mull, and consider. In memory of this great, great man.”

Jen Psaki shut down rumors that Biden’s schedule might include meetings with Manchin, Sinema, or other centrist Senators on the fence about voting rights legislation today.

“The President takes bipartisanship very seriously, and the idea that he would take a day dedicated to coming together as Americans, and sully that with political work is honestly insulting,” Psaki told the press pool. “Maybe you don’t really understand what MLK was all about. Americans from all walks of life are coming together to honor Martin by taking today to live up to his immortal words: ‘Live. Laugh. Love.’”

Nancy Pelosi, who spent the morning at an event with members of Dr. King’s family, expressed disappointment that Biden wasn’t pushing harder for filibuster reform.

“The road ahead for voting rights legislation, which he passed in the House, is uncertain in the US Senate, and frankly, I find it disheartening that Biden is taking the photo opportunities this day provides more seriously,” said Pelosi, posing behind Martin Luther King, III. “So Kirsten Sinema says she won’t change the filibuster—let’s change her mind! She loves a bold print. Imagine the optics. We can get Kyrsten on CNN in some kente cloth announcing she’s still considering the legislation. It would dishonor Dr. King’s legacy not to do everything we can to win the 2022 midterms.”

At press time, Biden was reportedly calling in members of the Secret Service, who were not given the day off, to clean up after his new dog, so he could focus on thinking of MLK.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

Fight Emerges After Millennial and Zoomer Can’t Agree On Whether This Band Rips or Slaps

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

BOSTON — Millennial and GenZ show-goers broke out into a fight after a disagreement on whether local punk band Alone Vera ripped or slapped during last night’s performance, nearby audience members reported.

“So it all started when this toddler wearing a fugly cardigan standing next to me said to his homie that Alone Vera slaps. Excuuuuuse me? They don’t slap, they fucking rip broski,” said local accountant Joshua Robbins, age 33 while browsing Urban Dictionary. “He got all fricken cray cray and told me to ‘take several seats sweetie,’ whatever that means. But I don’t give any fucks so I said to him that he’s being lamesauce and that’s when the shit, like, really hit the fan. This guy picked the wrong dude to throw down with, because I’m always ready to get crunk.”

Boston University anthropology major Xander Benson retaliated by hurling slang back at Robbins, as tensions escalated further.

“No cap, I was about to throw hands. He said this band ripped? Is that a reference from one of those old ass cable shows like ‘Lost’ that my parents think is cool? As a huge stan of Alone Vera, I just couldn’t let the CEO of dumb takes drag them like that,” said an oblivious Benson. “I told him everything they played so far was a bop and then he told me to ‘get bent.’ I was getting some pretty scrawny vibes from the dude so I handed him the L, and that’s on periodt. I went full send.”

Dr. Sofia Aragosta, a linguistics professor at MIT, has extensively studied the generational differences in slang.

“This incident between two grown men fighting over a simple misunderstanding in language use is sadly much more common than you would initially believe, ” said a frustrated Dr. Aragosta. “They used the verbs ‘ripped’ and ‘slapped’ to indicate their enjoyment of the band, when most people with good taste in music would have said they blow or they’re mid.”

“But I mean, let’s be honest here. Both of these white dudes are just appropriating AAVE and stealing words from young Black people and rebranding it as ‘Internet culture’ so no one calls them out on it,” concluded Dr. Aragosta.

At press time, the millennial and GenZ audience members teamed up together to beat the shit out of the one GenXer who described the performance as “totally tubular man.”

Republican Doesn’t Want Trans Kid Hiding In Bathroom With Their Child During School Shooting

Posted on by Issa Diao

BREWSTER, N.Y. — Local parent and lifelong Republican Shane Holmes expressed concerns over the dangers his child faces in the event that she might be forced to hide next to a transgender student in the bathroom during a school shooting, sources close to the out of touch man confirmed.

“Every day I see another horrific story on the news, and every day I send my Charlotte off to school scared that she might not make it home without spouting off some nonsense about how ‘gender is a construct’ or whatever Godless drivel she’s learning while she should be practicing bullet dodging techniques,” Holmes said. “I need to know that my child will only be pissing her pants in fear next to other kids like her. If I don’t think her school has my back on this, I just don’t feel comfortable putting her at risk of begging for her life on the wrong end of a full magazine next to some kid who’s clearly going through some phase.”

School officials sympathized with the man’s concerns, and assured most parents that they are doing their part in ensuring the safety of their children.

“We understand that a child’s safety is of the utmost importance to parents, which is why we’re instituting more safety protocols to ensure that no student ever find themselves in the vulnerable position of crouching behind a toilet and crying in the restroom with a transgender student during an active school shooting,” said Brewster High School superintendent, Mark Ingram. “To do our part, we’ve implemented a policy insisting that students make a final, hysterical phone call to their parents and loved ones from the bathroom that matches with the gender assigned to them at birth in such a scenario. Any student found violating this policy will face suspension.”

Fellow parents, Jess and Dylan Acosta, expressed their confusion over the position of Holmes and the school.

“We completely understand being worried that your child won’t make it home on any given day, but are we reading this right?” Dylan Acosta stated, as he reread a statement issued by the school, offering counseling to students who may be at-risk of quickly scanning for a small window to break and crawl out of in the vicinity of a transgender classmate. “I honestly can’t tell if my kid is at risk of being killed by a school shooter, or killed by her assistant principal for looking at him wrong. Jesus Christ.”

At press time, Holmes added that he also hopes the school will implement a strategy to limit his child’s exposure to Critical Race Theory in classrooms with eight or more students.

If You’re Gay Then Who’s the Man and Who’s the Long-suffering Partner That Secretly Meets With a Divorce Attorney Every Year Just in Case?

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

Wait, hold on. Go back a second. If you two are gay, then riddle me this: which one of you is the man, and which one is the long-suffering partner who secretly meets with a divorce attorney every year? Ya know, “just in case.”

Like, I get you’re a couple. I get that you’re in a romantic partnership. I even get the sex stuff (I watch Drag Race). But in every relationship, one person always takes the role of the dominant patriarch and the other nag, nag, fucking nags until they eventually take half your shit. So who’s who?

Let me try and ask a different way. Which one of you is just trying to watch the game they DVRed but can’t even get one play in before some shrill harpy shreds their eardrums with incessant screeching? And which one of you is the harpy?

Still not on the same page? How about this? Which one of you is always unfairly accused of gaslighting all the time? And which one misremembers every fight and gets so worked up in their head about shit that didn’t even happen that they start hurling crazy accusations?

Still no? Okay, hail mary time. Which one of you is the Elton John and which one is the other Elton John who just wants the first Elton John to shut the fuck up? Actually, you know what? It’s not important. What’s important is that you two are happy. And that there are only two of you because polyamory is scary.

Congrats on your big day, by the way. Y’all are great! I’m surprised such cool people are related to my shitkicker wife.