Newly-Married Couple Begin Experimenting With Banal Sex

Posted on by John Danek

FORT WORTH, Texas — Recent newlyweds and longtime couple Darren Oltowski and Denice Landry have recently begun dabbling in perfunctory, boring, and banal acts of intimacy with each other, disgusted friends reported.

“I’ll admit it, I’m a bit intimidated by banal sex, so when Denice offered the possibility of trying it, I had to talk it over with my therapist,” recounted Oltowski, who was recently tasked with officially breaking up with the couple’s regular third. “I was nervous to try it, but we had short, unenthusiastic missionary sex and were sound asleep like, eight minutes later. It felt so wrong, yet so right. And I gotta say—cleanup is much, much easier like this.”

Denice Landry is relieved to no longer have to maintain the facade that she enjoys wild, kinky sexual encounters.

“For years, we had nothing short of mind-blowing sex involving toys, props, sex swings, and more trips to Lowe’s than a contractor,” said Landry, who thinks she’s closer than ever to the day when she will get eaten out and not have to do anything in return. “But now that Darren and I are married, we have achieved a level of trust in which we no longer put on airs about how wild we are. We are having sex just often enough that it doesn’t have to come up in conversation. And I don’t have to avoid Taco Bell for a day leading up to it, thank God.”

Relationship experts say that most relationships grow and transform in the ways in which physical acts of love are performed.

“You can stave it off for as long as you want, but we all begin experiencing banal sex at some point in our lives,” explained Dr. Sandra Lee, renowned marriage expert. “Some real freaks only ever have banal sex, like those weirdos who get married at 19. Others wait until much later in life. But there’s no reason to get all butthurt about it—functional, everyday sex can be quite enjoyable. And it’s easier to plan with a shared Google Calendar.”

Rumors indicate that the couple is further experimenting with L.L. Bean pajamas in which they can engage in banal intercourse without ever getting naked.

How Was I Supposed To Know My Angry, Problem-Drinking Friend Was Having a Mental Health Crisis?

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

That really sucks about Shithouse Seth, man. If I knew he was having a mental breakdown or whatever, I definitely would’ve Tweeted to end the stigma associated with mental health disorders. But how was I supposed to know something was wrong? Seth was just doing what he’s always doing: getting shithouse drunk and fighting strangers.

I never saw this coming. Seth was the most hilarious dude. How is it possible that anyone funny could ever be sad in the first place?

And don’t say some shit like, “All those two liters of piss he left in people’s refrigerators were warning signs.” Because they weren’t. Depressed people don’t do funny shit like that. Depressed people stay in bed all day and listen to Bright Eyes, painting watercolor portraits of animals with their tears.

Before Seth checked into the hospital, he should’ve talked to me. We had plenty of time last week when we were drinking at the bar from open to close. Kegs and Eggs would’ve been the perfect time for Seth to tell me he wasn’t in a good place mentally. But he was mostly interested in talking about this guy across the bar he wanted to punch because of a perceived slight, so I didn’t bring it up. Instead, I told him to knock that side-eyeing piece of shit the fuck out because when I say I’m here to listen, I fucking mean it.

I just wish Seth considered me more of a friend. If so, he might have reached out to me for help with his mental health crisis. Maybe then I could have done something to prevent what happened. If he called me, we could have gone out for a beer to talk over all his problems. Maybe then he’d still be with us at this bar right now. Instead of at home with his family since apparently his intervention worked.

Woman Dies After Doorknob Rips Earbuds Out

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local woman Carmen Sullivan was found dead this morning after the wire of her earbuds became caught around a door handle, causing the device to rip out of her ears abruptly, a police report confirmed.

“While tragic, the cause of death here is obvious—this woman was clearly wandering carelessly through her own home when she snagged her headphone cord on a doorknob, ripping her earbuds violently from her head,” stated Brooks Blackwood, the police officer who first responded to the incident and found Sullivan laying next to headphone cables tangled around a doorknob. “The combination of shock and rage killed her instantly. We suspect no foul play, though we do believe she was listening to a true-crime podcast at the time.”

Clair Sullivan, the victim’s wife, was deeply saddened but not surprised by the news.

“I am racked with grief over the loss of my soulmate, and the earbuds that came with the iPhone she got four years ago,” she said, looking more disappointed than upset. “I’ll miss watching Carmen become reasonably infuriated every time the earbuds wire got stuck in the zipper of her hoodie, and especially enjoyed hearing her scream profanities anytime she attempted to take off her mask while wearing those stupid things. It really didn’t help get us through a tough two years.”

Seasoned pathologist Grace Shah has seen many an autopsy just like this one.

“Unfortunately this sort of accident is commonplace. Clueless dumbasses paying no attention to their surroundings are constantly falling victim to easily avoided obstacles. Skiing into trees, ATV decapitations, cable-related tripping mishaps. Almost anything can be a deathtrap for these preoccupied and unaware people. The earbud rip is not an uncommon cause of death, but it has been proven to be the most infuriating way to die.”

At press time, emergency services had left the scene to attend to a man across town who severely injured himself trying to sprint to a quiet room after his AirPods died during a Zoom call.

I’m Sorry, We Debated It, but Chemotherapy Is Officially an Edge Break

Posted on by John Danek

I know that not everyone is going to agree with this decision, but the council of straight edge elders has spoken. After much research and debate, we have decreed in a 5-4 vote that chemotherapy is officially an edge break.

Before you start writing Change.org petitions and tweeting protest hashtags, hear us out first. The basis of chemotherapy involves inserting harmful radiation into your body. Sure, the purpose is so that you can actually live and not die. But it’s still basically taking drugs when you really think about it. And from what we can tell, it’s almost as harmful as marijuana.

I know, I know! I personally was a ‘Nay’ vote, but this is the way the council works. Remember that even after we declared caffeine an edge break and Ian Mackaye personally called us to say “Fuck you,” we held strong.

If you do get diagnosed with cancer, please please do everything you can to get treatment! Get that chemotherapy. We don’t want you to die. But please know that you are no longer straight edge. And if you aren’t now, you never were. So you can’t attend the Monday meetings anymore.

If you do choose to undergo chemotherapy, do the right thing and sell those early Youth of Today 7” vinyls on Discogs. Let them find a proper straight edge home. It’s only right to let them run free in an environment void of toxins and promiscuous sex.

Straight edge emphasizes purity in all that enters your body and life. If you are diagnosed, maybe it’s time to reflect on what carcinogens surrounded you in years past. Are you sure you weren’t smoking? Drinking? Consuming the “devil’s pee” (coffee)? All I’m saying is that I don’t know anyone directly who got cancer who was REALLY straight edge all through their lives. Except maybe like, 11 people. RIP Nana.

I understand that many will think we’re being too strict about this. But hey, at least physical violence and attacks with deadly weapons aren’t considered edge breaks! Isn’t that awesome?

Christian Mingle Sues Parents for Naming Him That

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

INDIANAPOLIS — 18-year-old Christian Mingle opened a lawsuit against his parents early yesterday afternoon in regard to his given name, according to sources attempting to hold back laughter.

“It is with great sorrow that I have decided to employ the legal system against my own family. But the years of emotional distress, the childhood trauma, and the pervasive inability to get laid have made the decision for me,” Mingle said, tearfully looking to his attorney for support. “I intend to prosecute my parents to the full extent of the law for such a grave error that has affected my daily life so drastically. It will never undo all the memes, tweets, and tags I’ve been subject to over the years, but it’s a start.”

Christian’s parents, Trudy and Virgil Mingle, deny any intentional ill-will toward their only child.

“We didn’t have the internet until 2004,” said Mr. Mingle, trying desperately to comfort his heartbroken wife. “There’s no way we could have known. We’ve been married since 1990, for God’s sake! We’ve never even seen a dating app. It is a generational entitlement thing, I think. My father, Benedict S. Mingle, got more chocolate candy stuffed in his shirt than a damn piñata, and his mother, shy as she was, was called Tryda Inter-Mingle, and you never heard them complaining.”

The junior Mingle’s friends tell a different story, however, claiming his many romantic challenges throughout high school were directly related to his namesake.

“He’s literally never had a girlfriend,” said Mingle’s classmate Randall Zheng. “At this rate, he’s not gonna get one. Not when his name is literally a dating app for women with hair down to their asses and dudes who look like Jesus. And honestly, he’s sick and tired of getting emails from frustrated virgins thinking they’re contacting customer service. Those started showing up in his inbox when he was like, 10.”

Mingle closed his press conference by expressing hope for a positive outcome, citing the recent successes of plaintiffs, adult woman Ashley Madison, and straightedge/furrycore band XHamsterX.

How to be an Absolute #Girlboss While Helping a Friend Grieve

Posted on by Freelancer

Navigating the line between being a “#girlboss” and being a “regular human being who is there for the people in your life” can be difficult, but if you couldn’t handle difficult situations you wouldn’t be a #girlboss in the first place!

Here’s a few tips and tricks for letting a friend grappling with a recent loss know that you support them, without loosing your carefully curated image as a ruthless winner who is not to be fucked with.

Make your friend feel heard, but not too heard
When someone experiences trauma the most important thing you can do for them is just be there and listen. You want to let your bereaved loved one know that you hear them and support them. But you also want them to know your time is money.

Don’t be afraid to interrupt your friend to answer a few quick work emails, even if your friend is crying uncontrollably and you don’t really have emails to respond to. It’s all about image and the image you want is “I’m not afraid to take charge!”

Pepper in the fact that you’re an A-type every 30 seconds or so
It’s important to be there for people you care about in their time of need, but it’s also important that you are perceived as an alpha. This can best be accomplished by repeating it ad nauseam. Here’s an example:

Friend: “I just can’t believe my mom is gone. I feel lost, aimless, like there’s no reason to get out of bed.”

You, a #girlboss: “As an A-type I really cannot relate to that feeling, but go on.”

Treat them to lunch, but make sure yours is better
If they get the shrimp, get the steak. If they get the steak, get the lobster. This subtle move will cause your mourning friend to subconsciously take you more seriously as an executive.

Don’t be afraid to delegate a few tasks
The grieving process is no excuse for a sink full of dirty dishes. You don’t want to be overly forceful in this situation, but there is nothing wrong with requesting that your crying and depressed friend bang them out whenever they get the chance. Just remember to use the right tone of voice to indicate that they better “get the chance” pretty damned quick.

Subtly remind them there are a lot of qualified people out there who would kill to be your friend that can handle this whole “grief” thing
Your friend may need a not so subtle reminder that you would hate for this thing to not work out, but you will do what is necessary to serve your best interests. You’re a #girlboss, not a guidance counselor. Offer them a few days to rethink their role in your friend circle and decide if they still want to move forward. Otherwise, they’re just taking up someone else’s spot.

Band Horrified to See Their Related Artists on Spotify

Posted on by John Danek

MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. — Self-proclaimed “experimental indie” band True Friction are horrified to see that their “Related Artists” tab on Spotify is populated by pop-punk and mall emo bands, sources within the band report.

“How can this be? We play a progressive, non-traditional breed of indie rock influenced by psychedelic garage and baroque pop,” exclaimed True Friction’s frontman Pete Thompson, whose lack of self-awareness prevents him from seeing that his band really just plays four-chord pop-punk songs. “Sum 41? Blink 182? This is at best an insult and at worst an attempt—nay, conspiracy!, by Spotify to keep our band from reaching its intended audience.”

“You should be seeing The Beatles, Jefferson Airplane, and Patti Smith there,” continued Thompson. “But come on, The Academy Is…? They haven’t put out a good record since ‘Almost Here,’ which is one of my favorite alb—I mean, I never heard it. Who?”

Fans of True Friction have been experiencing a crisis of identity after seeing mainstream emo bands in the “Related Artists” area.

“I used to think I was special for listening to True Friction, but I guess I’m just another millennial drone,” stated Linda Umphrey, who has seen the band countless times since their humble start in the Long Island basement show scene. “They always said in interviews that their biggest influences are Pink Floyd and The Velvet Underground, but every chorus has harmonized ‘woah-oh-ohs’ and the drums usually go into halftime for the final chorus, so maybe they are… just another pop-punk band?”

When asked for comment, a Spotify spokesperson attempted to explain how its algorithms work.

“If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and runs in place while palm-muting power chords like a duck, it’s probably a pop-punk band,” said Sven Karlsson, senior manager at Spotify. “The analytics don’t lie. True Friction’s songs are musically very similar to Simple Plan and All-American Rejects. Why do they even care? Just own it. You’ll sell more records and merch to the pop-punk crowd than pretentious Pitchfork readers who would rather spend their money on ironic Steely Dan tees.”

True Friction’s identity problems worsened upon being featured in a new Punk Rock MBA YouTube video titled “The Worst Pop-Punk Bands of All Time (Low).”

Biden Touts When We Were Young Fest Lineup As Key Accomplishment of First Year in Office

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Biden downplayed the failures of his infrastructure and voting rights bills earlier today and instead took full credit for the impressive nostalgic lineup set to be featured at When We Were Young Fest later this year.

“Listen Jack, festivals like this just weren’t happening under the previous administration. I don’t want to point fingers, but the last Warped Tour was in 2016, you don’t need to be a rocket man to do the math there,” said Biden from The East Room of the White House. “I’ve made sure this fest reaches across the aisle and appeals to multiple sub-genres. Whether you’re a fan of classic emo, or you got wrapped up in the glitz and glamour of the MySpace era, this fest has it all. The American people are finally ready to sing along again.”

Opponents of Biden were quick to point out many bands that are not going to be featured at the festival taking place in Las Vegas later this year.

“This festival is not only out of touch with what the people of this country want, but it shows how out of touch the President is. It seems like everyone forgot about the contributions Kansas bands have made to the genre this fest is founded on,” said Senator Roger Marshall (R-KS.) “The first names I should be seeing are The Get Up Kids, The Anniversary, Reggie and the Full Effect, or even The Casket Lottery. But they’re nowhere to be found. I encourage every ‘real emo’ fan to send President Biden a message and boycott this festival.”

Political analysts remain unsure how voters will react to President Biden’s press conference.

“Most people are worried about inflation, schools shutting down again, and making sure they can make it through another brutal winter. I’ve conducted many surveys and not a single person has listed ‘getting to see Silverstein again’ as a top priority,” said Laura Palmer, a professor of Political Science at UMass Amherst. “I will say I was personally disappointed that almost all the bands on When We Were Young are active bands. The President would probably garner a lot more goodwill if he were able to get a band like Orchid to reunite for the fest.”

At press time, President Biden was being fitted in a youth-large Piebald T-shirt, tight pants with a white studded belt, and Saucony shoes, leading many to believe he will be attending the fest in person.

New Clint Eastwood Movie Just Him Acting Out Boomer Memes He Found on Facebook

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — A new film titled “Great Again” featuring famed director Clint Eastwood reciting and acting out boomer memes he came across on Facebook is gaining significant traction with the aging and increasingly senile Academy of Motion Pictures, confused millennial sources confirmed.

“Mr. Eastwood has achieved something amazing, and that is boiling down the traditional and conservative themes of his films to their bare essences, and effectively conveying them via ‘Minions’ memes and nostalgia for a past that never actually existed,” read a press release for the upcoming film. “This masterful, 195-minute film was shot in just one take, and primarily features the legendary actor and director in a La-z-Boy, aside from a brief cameo from Scott Eastwood who helps his father figure out how to print a Ben Garrison cartoon.”

32-year-old Rudy Wagstaff attended an early screening of the film.

“I know that as a filmmaker Eastwood tends to do very few takes, but he probably could have cut the 20 minutes where he searched his house for his ‘readers’ before taking a quick cat nap,” said Wagstaff. “The movie’s big climax is Clint creating his own meme about how the America he grew up in is dead, but it’s in all caps and he uses the laughing emoji thinking it’s crying. There is also an uncomfortable sequence where he goes to a homeless encampment and calls all the people living their ‘leaches’ and tells them to get a job. Nobody needs to see that.”

Unsurprisingly, reviews for the film are divided.

“So far the reviews are all over the map. Vulture thought it was an ironic art piece, while the AVClub lambasted it, and AARP magazine called it the greatest piece of cinema made by humans.’ That last review is especially odd as they kept writing, ‘they could never make a movie like this today’ even though the film literally was just released,” said movie critic Kelsi Barnard. “Personally, I don’t even know if this thing counts as a movie. It’s just Clint chuckling to himself, and then occasionally he’ll get serious, and with tears in his eyes read a meme about how his generation ‘actually played outside’ and ‘used to get spanked.’”

At press time, Sam Elliot has earned a best-supporting actor nomination after an image from “The Big Lebowski” with a quote he never once said appeared in Eastwood’s film.

Overly Cautious Punk Back To Wiping Down Spray Paint Cans Before Huffing

Posted on by Mark Maira

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Extremely circumspect spray paint addict, Calvin Roberts, is said to be back to wiping down his cans before inhaling them recreationally out of fear of the most recent wave of COVID-19 in the Western New York area.

“Ya dude this new wave of COVID is no joke, it sucks but it seems like we’re going to have to go back to some of the safety measures we were taking last year,” said Roberts. “Like, I’m just trying to hang out and huff some Barn Door Red from Liquitex or Navy Blue from the Rust-Oleum Painter’s Touch collection without getting the virus and doing some permanent damage to my lungs.”

Those close to Roberts worry that their friend’s concerns over contracting the novel coronavirus are impeding on his ability to relax.

“We were doing bumps of crushed up Adderall at Roach’s party last week and he made me spray bleach on it to make sure it was safe,” pointed out Rachel Kessler, a coworker of Roberts. “I mean the high was way different than anything I’ve ever felt before and will probably ever experience again, but I just hate that he’s living in fear because of whatever new COVID variant is hitting us.”

Most in the medical community have agreed that it is very rare to catch COVID-19 when just simply contacting a surface or touching an object.

“When it comes to COVID-19 there is little to no evidence of transmission when physically coming in contact with something,” explains Dr. Imani T. Green of the University of Rochester Medical Center’s Department of Infectious Diseases. “So whether you’re huffing spray paint, cracking a whippet, or simply enjoying some industrial grade glue there is no real chance of catching the virus from the actual objects, especially as those activities are generally done in the privacy of one’s own basement.”

As of yesterday friends and family are reporting that Calvin has gone into a deeper level of social distancing and will now only be buying his spray paint through Amazon to avoid public places.