Is it just me or do pretty much all children’s toys suck ass now? I get very little pleasure from these new big-eyed beanie baby pieces of shit and these new-age Tomodachi’s that barely soul-bond with their owners. Sure, I may be in my 30s and, sure, I’m probably seeing things through nostalgia-colored glasses, but I think it’s fair to say that whatever sweatshop full of kids making toys today clearly doesn’t have their shit together. Not like the child labor we had in the 90s back when things were awesome.
In the 90s, children across the globe were exploited for their cheap labor and small hands to make the COOLEST toys. Barbies, Legos, Polly Pocket and Mighty Max, Stretch Armstrong. I could list these things all day. But ever since the twin towers went down, I’ve noticed there are fewer toys available for someone like me who enjoys watching really buff turtles fight radioactive warthogs and disembodied brains. The stuff that’s available now? All garbage clearly made by lazy zoomers. Well, maybe not zoomers. Whatever generation comes next. Lazy bastards.
It really takes the love out of a product when you know the child who made the toy didn’t truly have their heart in it.
And don’t get me started on fidget spinners and other sensory toys! Back in my day, the 90s in case you forgot, we had analog bubble wrap made from the same material as plastic bags. We’d pop them once and then throw that shit away so it could naturally go back to the sea and keep the sea turtle population at bay, just as God intended.
Kids today don’t know what they’re missing. They didn’t get to experience the treasures of troll dolls or any of the other perfectly crafted toys made for 90s kids BY 90s kids. Nowadays kids are coddled with safety precautions and outlawed chemicals. Except for the kids making the toys, of course.