SEATTLE — Local City Light customer Jacqui Drisdale noticed Ticketmaster service charges on her monthly electric bill, sources who just can’t seem to evade these gratuitous fees no matter what they do, confirmed.
“This must be what the electric company meant when they said I could go paperless or pick up my physical statement at will-call,” said Drisdale before flipping the bill over to the back to discover even more seemingly unrelated costs. “A $4 facility fee I can see, a $6 service fee is pushing it, and $12 for something called ‘manual electricity handling’ just seems like a thing they made up to milk me for more money. Honestly, there really shouldn’t be some sort of bureaucratic middleman getting in between me and my electricity. Enough is enough.”
The entertainment ticket giant defended the charges.
“Technically you order tickets online using electricity, so clearly we’re entitled to at least some sort of compensation on your utility bills for our troubles,” said Ticketmaster spokesperson Bernie Trailman before hopping on a call with shareholders to discuss future plans to tack on fees to every water bill in the nation. “Sure, it may look like we’re coming up with these fees out of thin air, but I assure you that each one has its own unique yet highly top-secret purpose. Also, these extra costs are helping us stay in business. If we had to shut down, all ticket proceeds would just go directly to artists, entertainers, and venues. What kind of business model is that?”
Experts painted a bleak picture of the current state of administrative fees.
“Corporations are slowly encroaching onto every part of our everyday lives, including entertainment and utilities alike,” said amateur historian Julie Davepowder. “That means their ridiculous fees are too. And it’s not like there’s any way to avoid them either. The only way to effectively bypass extra fees on concert ticket purchases is to not buy tickets at all. Hell, just the other day I had to pay $3.50 in Ticketmaster fees at the door of an otherwise free basement show. How they were able to pull that one off I’ll never know.”
In related news, Drisdale noticed a slew of pointless StubHub fees on her Trader Joe’s grocery receipt before vowing to never look too closely at receipts or bills ever again.