SAN FRANCISCO — Local single woman Maya Cook is taking technology into her own hands after having become frustrated with the amount of time she spends swiping left on software engineers on dating apps, multiple sources confirm.
“Dating in the Bay Area is hard because you get all these guys who came here to make money in a soulless tech job,” said Maya Cook. “I want a man with substance, like a teacher or a firefighter with huge forearms. These techies are everywhere anyway. They might as well do something useful like help me find a hot doctor who also doesn’t want kids.”
Software engineer Kevin Clarke, whose interests include chilling and tacos, was tapped directly through a dating app to assist Cook.
“I was actually really excited when I matched with Maya. She seemed pretty and fun,” said Clarke. “But when I found out she was only interested in me so I could create a filter so she didn’t have to see software engineers on the app — that wasn’t cool. She knows that not all software engineers are the same, right? We’re unique individuals with our own interests. I thought the photo of me standing on top of a mountain in a Patagonia jacket showed that.”
Many dating apps do offer increased filtering options but not without a price, which some say may actually decrease the likelihood of finding a mate.
“Studies are showing that the more times someone swipes, the less effort they put into the subsequent interactions, so people are literally losing out on love,” said relationship expert and dating analyst Amaal Palit. “A woman with photos of herself drinking at brunch shouldn’t have to sift through a bunch of profiles before finding a man with photos of himself drinking on a boat. Having personalized filters to help people avoid guys in Punisher skull shirts or American flag anything would be game-changing for this generation.”
At press time, Cook was seen Googling “what is python.”
LIMA, Ohio — A debate over payment and use of a venue on the outskirts of Lima has reportedly been taken over by authorities from the State Scene after the investigation was initially started by the local scene, sources report.
“For this case to be properly adjudicated, it is imperative that it is done by the books and with the best resources available. That’s why the State has decided to take over this case,” a spokesperson for the State Scene said at a press conference outside Denny’s at 3 a.m. “The Lima scene is just the only guy in town who listens to the Ramones, and that weird manager from Spencer’s. They have no means or authority to make any kind of justified ruling on this case. Besides, they can bitch and moan all they want about it being the same media market, but they know damn well the incident occurred beyond the city lines. This is a jurisdictional matter, goddammit.”
Members of the Lima Scene echoed the State Scene’s statement while also expressing their frustration with the matter.
“This a gross abuse of state authority in a purely local matter, so those poser fucks at the State scene can kick rocks,” read a statement from the Lima Scene. “Furthermore, the event in question occurred in a Lima census-designated area so we’re fully within our rights to resolve the matter. Just because the State scene went to Oberlin and blew Robert Pollard once doesn’t give them any sort of additional punk cred as per amendment V to the Ohio State Punk Commission Charter. So suck on that, you power-tripping fascists.”
Zoning and Urban Planning officials also weighed in on whether the State Scene had overstepped its authority.
“I’m sorry, I have no idea what they’re talking about — the scene? These aren’t actual government bodies recognized by the state, are they?” stated Dr. Steve Bishop, head of the state zoning board. “I really work on city/state matters and admittedly I’m not much of a music guy, so I don’t think I could even really offer an opinion on this. Couldn’t they all just work together or something?”
At press time, authorities from the federal scene had arrived from Washington, DC to take charge of the investigation.
There are a lot of dangerous places to be a political dissident. As we speak, across the world countless people fear for their safety because they have spoken out against the authoritarian regime controlling their homeland. Despite urges from friends and family not to go, we trekked to a fascist, dystopian hellscape to meet with freedom fighters, “Anti-Flag,” to talk about what everyday life is like in Western PA.
To protect the safety of those interviewed, the identity of the band members is being withheld. Each band member will be referred to by the name “Chris” followed by a number.
The Hard Times: Thanks for talking with us. We think it’s really important that the world hear about your lives as political dissidents. Chris #1: It’s important to us too. We gotta do anything we can to speak out.
So first we have to ask, how are you all holding up? We know it can’t be easy living like this. Chris #4: Of course it ain’t easy but we persevere. It’s one day at a time, fighting the power and keeping Mayor Gainey in check. Just tryin’ to keep the three rivers clean, that’s what we always say!
Wow, inspirational. Really gives you a lot to think about. Chris #2: I’m sorry, can I ask, how did you say you were gonna do the names for this interview?
You absolutely can ask that, Chris #2. I can see your fighting spirit the way you’re always questioning things, Chris #2. Chris #2: See it’s just that my name actually is “Chris” so I don’t think the pseudonyms are gonna work. Chris #1: I have similar concerns regarding the Chris/number system.
My word! The iron fist that Allegheny County uses to rule over its subjects must be all-encompassing if you’re scared even while using our sophisticated code names. Hey, don’t you all go by those dumb punk nicknames anyway? What’s your full name? I bet it’s “Chris Crass.” Chris #3: Look, if you wanna know about our politics just check out our latest album. I believe it’s our four-thousandth. But this one really encapsulates the hardships we’ve had to deal with now that we’ve been trapped at home for two years.
Wonderful. Stay strong. Chris #2: So are we seriously doing nothing about the fucking name thing?
SUNVIEW, Ariz. — A local punk scene is committing to their decision to keep well-known abuser and the only keyboardist anyone knows, Matt Hulls, in their graces, according to sources.
“We’ve heard the accusations and are definitely holding him accountable. In fact, just yesterday I shook my finger very vigorously at him. All this manipulation, aggression, gaslighting, and violence are really going to get in the way of his music. Without his music career, how will he uphold unfair power dynamics within the scene?” commented Richards. “We know hundreds of guitar players, worse guitar players who stick to bass, and drummers, but Matt is the only keyboardist. As you can see, our hands are tied. It’d be one thing if we were some big city scene with two keyboard players, but it is what it is.”
Recent collaborators with Hulls, noir-punk band Bathwater, have weighed their options.
“Ok so, Matt isn’t like a ‘bad,’ bad guy. He’s a staple of this community. It’s all about separating the abuser from the art,” reports Bathwater’s vocalist Eric ‘Phlegm’ Cordova. “Honestly, those 17 women that came out against him are playing into this cancel culture trend. Bathwater’s female bassist, Ashley Holland, is willing to not make a fuss about it. Girls like her actually want to protect the scene. Also, no one else cool responded to my Instagram story when we were looking for someone to hop on the synth for the new album, No Boundaries, dropping on Spotify on January 31st.”
Despite frequent overlooking of Hulls’ predatory behavior, many in the scene stand against his inclusion.
“Scott made a lot of money selling ‘Punch a Rapist,’ ‘No Space For Abusers,’ and ‘Punk’ Support Women’ patches and stickers. The zine alone about consent cost 20 bucks,” said local punk Lisa Escarra. “Matt Hulls worked the merch table, and now I am the one canceled for flipping the plastic folded table onto him just like the zine told me to do. I don’t get it, I listen to like, two bands ever that feature a keyboard player, I’m not sure why every single band in our town needs an organ solo all of a sudden.”
At press time, several women within the scene were told to “go learn a real instrument” after stating that they also play keyboard.
A lot of fictional characters have very obvious inspirations. It doesn’t take a detective to figure out Jackie Gleason inspired Fred Flintstone or that Donald Trump inspired Biff Tannen in Back to the Future part 2. Sometimes the ideas for characters come from much stranger places people wouldn’t expect.
Kramer “Seinfeld’s” Kramer was based off of Larry David’s real life neighbor who was also named Kramer. Larry David once caught Kramer stealing his mail so he put a witch’s curse on him, trapping the man forever in a sitcom dimension with no escape.
Travis Bickle “Taxi Driver’s” Travis Bickle was inspired by the diary of Arthur Bremer, a man who attempted to kill presidential candidate George Wallace and failed. Oddly enough Taxi Driver went on to inspire John Hinckly Jr. ‘s failed attempt to assassinate President Ronald Reagan. Even weirder was that the John Hinckly Jr. story inspired the movie 2001: A Space Travesty which inspired a man named Frank Donovan’s failed attempt to say a swear word to presidential candidate Jesse Ventura.
Bart, Lisa, and Maggie Simpson When Matt Groening was a little boy in Oregon, he grew up next to three children named Bart, Lisa, and Maggie who in the thirty years he knew them, never aged a day. Groening originally left for Los Angeles out of fear for what powers they hold, but in the end decided it would just make relatable characters for a TV show.
Jabba the Hut When it comes to “Star Wars” George Lucas borrowed heavily off of his love of old western and samurai films. In the Akira Kurosawa film Yojimbo, there is an iconic scene in which five men crawled around in a sack like a big worm to scare the villagers. George Lucas created Jabba the Hutt as a nod to that film.
Spider-Man Spider-Man was thought up by Stan Lee one night after he experienced a nightmare of a strange man crawling on his walls. When he asked Steve Ditko to come up with the art for Spider-Man, the drawing looked exactly like the man from Lee’s nightmares. When Lee asked Ditko why he designed him like that, Ditko replied “Because I saw him too.”
Larry the Cucumber “Veggietales” creators Phil Vischer and Mike Nawrocki based Larry the Cucumber off of their priest/mentor who was a talking banana. They felt bananas wouldn’t read well in animation, so they changed him to a Cucumber.
Captain Janeway Captain Janeway was inspired by Captain Anne Pilmort, a real life Navy Captain whose ship got lost at sea in uncharted territories but found its way home after discovering new lands. Much like Janeway, Anne Pilmort once temporarily evolved into a salamander type creature. Her ancestors are what we currently know as the modern day mudskipper.
Charlie Brown Charles Schultz based the look of Charlie Brown off of a kid who used to bully Schultz in high school. After years of pent up rage for the bully, Schultz decided what was best for his mental state was to draw a picture of his tormentor every day being miserable in some way.
Mario Mario was inspired by an Italian guy Shigeru Miyamoto briefly stole the identity of in the late 70’s. Shigeru loved the feeling of living as someone else so much that he decided to make an Italian guy the main character of his video games so that people can experience the joy he did of living in an Italian man’s skin.
Hank Hill Mike Judge has often said that Hank’s name is an amalgamation of Haee and Ank.
Garfield
While struggling for work, Jim Davis made money taking care of his neighbor’s cat while they were on vacation. One day he left the door open and the cat ran away. Jim Davis then drew a picture of a cat hoping nobody would notice the difference.
E.T. When Steven Spielberg was working on “Jaws,” he was briefly abducted by aliens who loosely resembled the lovable creature we came to know and love. The aliens told Spielberg that in 10 years from now their species will enslave humanity and Steven will be spared only if he can help create some propaganda making their species look adorable. Unfortunately, the species never enslaved humanity but at least a great movie was made out of it.
Tony the Tiger® and Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal are teaming up to make a huge, game-changing Mission Tiger™ impact on school districts in Boston, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Miami, Orlando and Phoenix — the six cities Shaq called home during his legendary basketball career.
Tony the Tiger
Tony the Tiger was based on the real tiger owned by John Harvey Kellogg, inventor of the corn flakes. Dr. Kellogg would keep the Tiger in his bedroom to keep himself from masturbating.
Pennywise the Clown
When interviewed about the book, King told Rolling Stone magazine, “I came up with Pennywise to express how much I hate the Ninja Turtles. I mean who lives in the sewers? A bunch of clowns if you ask me.”
January 22nd marks the 49th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision that enshrined the right of women to get abortions without excessive government restriction. Since then, Roe has produced year after year of massive hits. Few artists’ oeuvres can compare to Roe’s record of life-changing successes through so many decades, despite the attempts of forced birth extremists to chip it away.
Roe’s haters have had it on the chopping block since day one, but since this birthday may be its last, we’re celebrating Roe in style by ranking our top five greatest abortions:
The One that Saved this Teenager from Being Stuck in Her Hometown Forever
This early hit put Roe on the map and allowed this teen to get out of her shithole hometown and relocate to somewhere she felt safe, supported, and able to experience her full potential. An instant classic.
The One This Mom of Three Got Because She Couldn’t Afford Another Kid
While this one may be mostly appreciated by Roe-heads, those who know it always rank it among their favorites. This abortion helped keep this family afloat so this working mom could support the children she already had. It might not get as much radio-play, but more than half of abortions that occur in the US are had by someone who’s already given birth, so this one is more popular than you think. You heard it here: Moms fuck.
The One That Saved This Woman’s Life After Experiencing Pregnancy Complications
This one feels like a no-brainer, but sometimes a mainstream hit is a hit for a reason. No one should fucking die because they can’t access healthcare Plus, we heard about this one in college, so it’s just one of those time and place sort of nostalgia things, we guess.
The One That Saved This Person from Carrying Their Rapist’s Child
We’d be remiss if we didn’t bring up this Roe life-saver. It never should have been needed in the first place, but since some dickwad made it necessary, we’re glad Roe was there to keep this life-saving procedure safe and legal.
The One This Woman Got Because She Just Didn’t Fucking Want to Have a Kid
We don’t know the details of why this woman wanted to get an abortion, and that’s okay, because it’s none of our fucking business.
NEW YORK — New safe injection site, Harm Reduction and Education Center, was deemed “fascist” by Marcus “Scuzz” Benitez after refusing to let him put up flyers for his band Rotten Abscess, nodding off sources confirmed.
“I’m a regular here! If I went to a coffee shop every day I know they’d let me put up a flyer!” said Benitez as he dug through a dumpster behind a bagel shop. “I don’t know why these fascists in charge of a place for people to friggin’ shoot up don’t want to let the people know Rotten Abscess is playing with Clit Sucker and Gang Peen at the Avenue D Squat. Service to the community my ass.”
Employees at the safe injection site say the policy against posting flyers at the space is not about Benitez specifically.
“Scuzz got very upset when I told him there was nowhere to put flyers up, but we’re trying to keep it professional here. We’re lucky we got this place off the ground,” says morning supervisor Anna Manson. “We have members of all sorts of bands who come in here to safely use intravenous drugs, I know I see guys from Grim Anus and Spread Kennedys in here every so often. It’s not about free speech, it’s about keeping the doors open. I’m also not sure he understands what fascism means, but we try to just meet people where they’re at.”
Experts in the field of harm reduction feel that presenting a clean and organized space is important to legitimize a safe injection site.
“Imagine you’re a suburban housewife and you’re apprehensive about a place for people to safely use drugs and then you see a flyer for Rectal Mayhem playing a show with Toilet Republic,” says Dr. Anthony Grenson, a board member of the Harm Reduction Coalition. “That’s scary for voters. We don’t want anything tarnishing something a community has worked so hard to get in the first place, especially not for three bands no one wants to see play, even for free.”
At press time, Benitez was reportedly being escorted out of a food bank for complaining the canned goods were “low sodium horseshit.”
There’s no denying the dangers of misinformation in the age of Covid, but are we pointing our fingers in the right direction?
I recently came across an article from a reputable news outlet that accused Joe Rogan of using his broadcast to spread misleading data about the coronavirus. I take the threat of Covid very seriously but I have to be honest, I think whoever wrote that article is seriously misremembering “NewsRadio.”
From what I could recall Joe Rogan didn’t even play a newscaster on that show. He was an every-man maintenance worker whose name was also Joe. I decided to binge “NewsRadio” to find anything Covid related and I gotta say, other than a fair share of belly laughs, I came up empty.
People keep talking about how powerful and influential Joe Rogan’s show has made him, but from what I can see he’s not even really the lead. Phil Hartman and Davey Foley really steal the show, and even among the supporting cast, Stephen Root is really the one who shines. Rogan seems to exist primarily as a foil to Andy Dick’s, “Matthew,” and while Joe is made a bit more 3-dimensional later in News Radio’s run, I would hardly call it “Joe Rogan’s show.”
While Joe the repairman does employ some fairly unorthodox methods and “dangerous ideas” when it comes to maintaining the building — methods that if replicated in the home could lead to fires or electrocution — these methods are, for the most part, played for laughs. When he, for example, fixes the light by jamming a screwdriver into the fuse box causing sparks to fly everywhere, I didn’t find myself saying, “I guess that’s how you fix lights.” I was more thinking, “Look at this jabronee, he sure is dumb!” and then a laugh track confirmed my suspicions about Joe’s intelligence.
In the entirety of “NewsRadio,” there was only one episode where Joe was even on mic, when Catherine gets sick and Bill recruits Joe to fill in, fearing a professional would outshine him. Far from spreading dangerous misinformation, however, Joe proved to be a fully competent and charismatic newsman, much to the chagrin of Bill and to the hilarity of me, the viewer at home.
It’s also worth noting that “NewsRadio” ran from 1995 to 1999, over two decades before the pandemic began. Even if the show featured a minor character flirting with anti-vax sentiment (which again I did not find) our reaction shouldn’t be “Hey, that guy is dangerous,” it should be “Holy shit, how did the writers of this ‘90s sitcom know Covid would happen? Did they create it in a lab?!”
To be completely honest I did not re-watch the Jon Lovitz seasons. No one has. I suppose it’s possible that the stress of working with someone so… Jon Lovitzy could make anyone a little off their rocker. If people want to cancel Jon Lovitz on the off chance that he caused the spread of misinformation about Covid on “NewsRadio” in 1998 I’m all for it, but leave Joe Rogan alone. Trust me, you don’t want to make that guy angry. I think he knows karate.
OKLAHOMA CITY — Your horny aunt Gladys created an air of tension after expressing a deep and carnal interest in your Type O Negative shirt depicting the top half of Peter Steele’s legendary hog during a recent birthday celebration, familial sources confirmed.
“She kept coming up to me and being like ‘let me get a look at you, and let me get a better look at this lovely shirt’ and then biting her lower lip a little. The whole ordeal made me wish I had just stayed in my room,” you said while searching for a hoodie as an additional layer. “She asked my dad if the thermostat was all the way on high and then fan herself while looking at the shirt from across the table. Things got really bad when she asked if she could get a towel to sit on it because she didn’t want to ruin any of our chairs. It was gross.”
Your aunt continued to gush about the shirt long into the night.
“The music was sexy and spooky, but that Peter Steele was so tall and strong you know he could pick you right up and just have his way with you if he wanted to,” said your aging aunt, four martinis deep, in front of you and your parents. “I know it might be T.M.I. but sometimes if I’m alone at night I watch live Type O videos on my Youtube and have a little fun. I’d do anything to get my hands on that Peter Steele issue of Playgirl and I do mean anything. Those pages have created more cream than a Jergens factory.”
Sex health experts note that women in their late 40s have a higher sex drive and are known to more frequently sexually fantasize than in their 20s.
“As women age, they are commonly more drawn to the sensual side of life,” says Dr. Angela Shengu, Author of “Older, Hornier, Sexier: Why Women Over 40 Are So DTF.” “Women are constantly being asked to repress their sexuality as they get older, and I want to give every woman out their permission to live their sexual life to the fullest, But it’s not great to talk about guys you’ve masturbated to with family members, but when most women of a certain age get a little tipsy it’s hard for them not to fantasize about Peter Steele’s member.”
At press time, your aunt was “calling an Uber” to take her to a biker bar called Smelly’s for “pool and some fun” she explained with a wink.
We were stoked when we saw a flyer for a reunion show from our favorite ironycore-turned- sinceritycore band, “Modern Baseball.” We couldn’t believe they were getting back together for a one-time performance starting at noon and lasting however long “seven rounds with a cut to top 8” is.
We were confused at first. Top 8? Are some old Myspace bands reuniting too? But boy did we have egg on our face when we showed up expecting to find a packed hall of unwashed adults wearing glasses and anime shirts, only to find a Magic: the Gathering tournament instead.
Looking back, it was suspicious that the band’s name appeared nowhere on the flyer. But literally everything else about it made us think it was for a Modern Baseball reunion show. First off, it had a picture of a bunch of dorks playing magic. Flyers for Magic tournaments aren’t that on the nose. Second, it was held at a gaming store. A show at a gaming store?! That’s the most “MoBo” shit I’ve ever heard! Plus, they didn’t call it a show on the flyer. They called it a “tournament.” Oh, actually, fuck. That one’s on us.
Anyway, we still had a fun afternoon doing side drafts. While we didn’t get to see Modern Baseball reunite, we did get a picture with four random Magic players who looked exactly like them. Which is perfect since that’s the exact kind of low-stakes, semi-ironic silver lining you could write a MoBo song about.
