There Won’t Be a Gatekeeping Power Structure as Long as I’m in Charge of This Scene

Posted on by Kevin Hufe

Local bands have always had to swim through the treacherous waters of small-town scene politics before getting their shot at performing in front of a larger audience, and this scene is no exception. This environment has proven more hostile than nurturing, with this “scene” being run by gatekeepers who use their microscopic amount of power to take advantage of aspiring artists. We need to take a stand and stop this once and for all. No more gatekeepers. No more abuse of power. And we can accomplish this, just as soon as I’m the one running the scene.

Once I’m in charge of every show and I manage every band, we will finally achieve the local scene utopia we all want. Need proof? Well, between the dozens of bands I’ve been kicked out of and the two festivals I produced at a loss, I clearly have more than enough experience to guide worthy local artists to the next level.

I’ll make sure there’s absolutely no gatekeeping in our community. I am above that kind of thing, unlike the rest of you commoners who are unworthy of my rightful spot in this scene. A spot that is high above the rest, preferably separated by a moat or a large wall of some kind.

Now, I’m sure you’ve heard some criticisms about me from some of the more toxic people in our community. You must understand, these are simply spiteful verbal daggers of the desperate and the jealous. I tell you this with the intention of assuaging your worries. Rest assured, absolutely nobody in our local area is permitted to act out in any way I deem unacceptable, lest they be banished from playing in the area again.

With me in charge of this scene, I will kick out all of the gatekeepers. No longer will bands need a connection to them to get booked. Instead, you’ll just need to send me an email and hope that there’s something you have that I want in return.

Punk Drummer Calls to Kill the Rich, Except Girlfriend, Her Entire Family

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

WARREN, N.J. — Local punk drummer Brad “The Worm” Jones reportedly advocates for wealth redistribution and violence against the rich with the exception of current girlfriend, the heiress to the Winthrop Estate, and her entire family, sources confirmed.

“Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe the rich elite are greedy, capitalist scum, and they need to be dragged out into the streets and held accountable. But like, not Kristen and her folks. Her family owns a pretty well-known petroleum corporation, but they actually care about their employees. They pay all of the oil spill cleaners at their company a minimum wage, so it’s really not exploitation,” said a hesitant Jones. “Mr. Winthrop said he could get his helicopter pilot to bring me out to their headquarters if I really want to see for myself. I never did, but he seems like a trustworthy guy. They’re actually super chill people if you’d get to know them.”

Other members of Jones’ band Kapitalist Killers reportedly claim the band’s convictions have not changed since the beginning of this relationship.

“I will never support what these billionairss stand for until the day I die. Kapitalist Killers was created based on our members’ collective hatred for the ultra-rich and the corrupt system that values coporations more than people. I promise you, our content will continue to spread our core message. It wasn’t until Brad and Kristen started dating that we realized some of these old guys are pretty cool. They let us use their pool whenever we want,” said lead guitarist Tyler Andrews, defending his bandmate. “Besides, our newest music video ‘Down With the System’ would have never been possible without donations from Mr. Winthrop and his golfing buddies, so he’s a pretty alright guy, I guess.”

Punk anthropologist Brandon Downey weighed in on the puzzling behavioral pattern demonstrated by Jones and his relationship with the Winthrops.

“Historically, punks devote their musical intentions to raise awareness about the demise of wealth inequality,” explained Downey. “Many of these musicians have risked their lives and wellbeing to maintain their integrity against benefitting from a corrupt system. But it’s tough to maintain those convictions when you are actually benefitting from the perks of being mega-rich. Once you have a certain amount of money you are basically above the law, and that’s sort of what most punks want anyway.”

When asked about the future of Kapitalist Killers, Jones reported that the band is working on a new EP tentatively titled “Death to the Death Tax.”

Opinion: Just Because Seltzer Gives Me Heartburn Now Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Party Anymore

Posted on by Matt McInerney

You guys remember all of that wild stuff I used to do on our boys’ nights, right? Like that one time that I snorted a dehydrated ghost pepper through a crazy straw, then pounded a Flaming Sambuca shot from a melted plastic cup? Or that time I entered the Macho Nacho and Gazpacho food challenge and finished 5 pounds of soggy cheese and chips followed by 20 shots of cold acidic soup in under 10 minutes? Man, that was fuckin’ money.

Well, things are a little different now. My stomach isn’t quite the blast containment receptacle it once was. Even a seltzer will give me heartburn from time to time. But that doesn’t hold me back, I still do dope ass shit all the time.

Like last Sunday, I was cleaning my gutters and kicking back some brew dogs, when I decided to push it to the limit. I got up on my tippy toes to reach for the end cap, so I could finish the job without moving the ladder. Sure, I accidentally kicked the ladder out from under myself and the doctor said I’ll never get full mobility of that knee back, but that just means I need to be extra hardcore!

I did break my back a little bit, but you can’t expect to pull off a sick stunt without a little pain.

I’m sure you remember that time I tried to jump a fire hydrant and exploded my testicle when I snagged it on the cap. Just another story of the price you pay for being the man. Well, a little different, I’ll never walk without a limp now. I never grew my shredded nard back either.

Look, just because my stomach kicks back what’s essentially water, I can’t move my arm anymore, and I’ve only got one testicle doesn’t mean I can’t fuck shit up anymore.

This party bus keeps on rolling. I just bought a 16 rack of premixed Mai Tais, and I’m going to see how many of these bad boys I can chug before halftime of the Friars game. Then I’m going to lay down and moan for a while, inhale some crushed Rollaids to rally, and crawl back to the living room before the 4th quarter. Who’s with me?! Nobody? Okay well can you at least stick around while I use the toilet? I fall asleep on there sometimes.

Punk Takes Genealogy Test, Finds Out He’s 1/8 Goth on His Mom’s Side

Posted on by Nastasya Trudeaux

PONTIAC, Mich. — Local punk Vince Vanderberg was shocked when the results of a DNA ancestry kit revealed he had goth roots via the mother’s side of his family tree, not so shocked sources confirmed.

“I mean, I’ve always felt a bit different,” sighed Vanderberg from his bedroom with walls he painted dark red. “Like a little, kind of sad, darkness inside, where my all-consuming rage was supposed to be hanging out, ya know? It makes sense though. I’ve had a compulsion to wear a crushed velvet vest on more than one occasion, but I never acted on it. I even caught myself browsing at the pointier toed Doc Martens online, but my Punk side tends to win out when it comes to apparel.”

Vanderberg’s mom, Candice, believes her goth roots were a secret her very punk family tried to keep a secret.

“When I was a little girl I snuck into my grandparents attic and found the diary of a distant relative who called herself Helena. The whole thing was filled with bad poetry and drawings of crows, I snapped it shut and tried to forget about it,” said the matriarch as she twisted her crusty nose stud, and then flicked something from under her chipped, black nails. “I made sure I kept this from my kids, I didn’t want anyone at school calling them a poser or spraypainting ‘Bauhaus is undead’ on our driveway.’ But I’m actually sort of relieved I don’t have to carry this weight with me anymore.”

Wait, What?, the company that does the testing says there are some customers who are negatively affected by results.

“We process thousands of vials of spit a month and most people just post the results on social media and forget about it,” said Wait, What’s Director of Operations, Carmen Ito. “But, let’s say, your whole life, you thought you were mostly emo, maybe with a bit of trap mixed in. Finding out you’re even the slightest percentage of country could be quite jarring. We had one man from New York who tried to pay us $2,000 to modify his results to say he was 100% hardcore. In reality he was only 15% hardcore and a whole lot of classic rock and pop.”

Other companies offering similar testing have had anomalies such as Sully Erna being 15% Clogged Drain Gurgles, and Yoko Ono having 23% Car Alarm in her background.

Here’s Which Shoelaces Say “Im a Nazi” and Which Say “I Want To Raw Dog It in This Costco”

Posted on by Peter Woods

We’ve all been there: we’re at our local Costco looking for an anonymous thrill and we see a punk starting to walk towards us in a fresh pair of Doc Martens and brightly colored laces. But what do those laces mean? Are they good, bad, or the good kind of bad?

Here is our guide to help you decode these fashion choices.

If the boots are black and the laces are red, get out of the way! That person is definitely a neo-nazi (or, if they are old enough, just an old school nazi) and they are not afraid to show it through a bold lace color.

But if the punk is sporting a green lace in a black boot, then you’re in for a treat: this punk just wants to sneak off to the bathroom and raw dog it with a complete stranger. So if you’re in the mood for some unprotected sex, just let them know you like the laces and point out the nearest restroom with a locking door (or not!).

And if you need help sorting this out, just remember the old saying: laces of red, they want Jews dead. Laces of green, they just want that peen.

If the punk is sporting white boots, however, the meaning of the laces reverses. A white Doc with red laces means they strongly support the Jewish community and white with green laces means they’re saving it until marriage.

They are never just shoe laces, that much we know for sure.

Outside of these colors, a punk’s laces can mean all sorts of different things. For instance, a black boot with yellow laces means that they are currently running from a swarm of angry bees. We suggest running in the same direction, unless you want to get stung!

Now a black boot with blue laces represents a death at sea to these nautically minded punk. A friend of theirs must have died in a sailing accident of some kind, or maybe at a Decemberists show. It’s appropriate to let them know how sorry you are for their loss.

Even though all of this may seem overwhelming, it’s still easier to figure out what certain lace colors mean than it is for other articles of clothing. For instance: we keep seeing all these people with black and red arm bands at this political rally we’re at and we have no idea what they are trying to say. We’ll try raw dogging them all and see what happens!

Aerosmith Returns To Boston Roots By Drunkenly Yelling Racial Slurs At Crowd

Posted on by Ryan Danley

BOSTON — Local crowds rejoiced as legendary hometown rockers Aerosmith showed their Boston pride by performing a set filled with the city’s classic intoxicated racist rhetoric, wicked excited sources report.

“You know, these fucking Aerosmith guys used to be known as Bad Boys from Beantown. But after they went all MTV dandies and got sober, it’s like they forgot where they’re from. It was so refreshing to see them open their set with a bunch of slurs and a ‘Yankees Suck’ chant,” said longtime fan Daniel “Danny Boy” Murphy. “I really loved when Joe Perry jumped down into the crowd and tried to fight a guy that looked at him funny. I saw a couple people leave after an extended rant about how the ‘you know who’s’ need to just stay in Roxbury, I hope they feel wicked stupid because right after they left the band started playing ‘Dream On,’ it was fuckin’ pissah.”

While happy with the results, Aerosmith band manager Tim Collins was initially against the effort.

“These guys have lived in California forever. No one there cares if a Mexican family moves on to your block, but that’s still a big deal here in Boston. I was worried that they weren’t going to be able to connect with the crowd but I guess their decision to play ‘Sweet Caroline’ as an encore was a good idea,” said Collins. “I’m glad they pulled it off. But I’ll be happy when they move to stop trying to remind everyone where they are from. I can’t sit through another viewing of ‘The Town’ and I can’t handle Joey (Kramer) asking me for the hundredth time if I like apples.”

Aerosmith guitarist and Massachusetts native, Joe Perry was honored to feel the love of the town.

“Back in the early days of the band we got all the Beantown love. But you get some money in your pocket and next thing you know you’re drinking fancy drinks at bars that call the cops when you hit your best friend over the head with a pool stick. Some days I don’t even know who I see in the mirror,” said a forlorn Perry. “So this show felt like a return. Today I wore my favorite white undershirt, my thin gold chain, and yelled at a Brazilian family walking their dog near Hyde Park. Go Sox!”

Murphy was unavailable for further comment as he was busy buying forged documents so he could continue collecting disability from the union.

Breaking: Bouncing AirPod Chase Enters Third Hour

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Local fitness enthusiast Gene Davidson is reportedly entering the third hour of an absurdly low-speed chase trying to recover a runaway AirPod that will not stop bouncing away from him, confirmed multiple witnesses mumbling “I hate when that happens” to themselves.

“It started out so innocuous. I was stretching before a jog, and I dipped to the side too fast and then the thing hit the ground and well, that was the beginning of the end. I was almost laughing at the absurdity of how much it was bouncing away from me until I realized I was five blocks away from my apartment in a full sprint,“ said Davidson, completely winded and limping. “Not only that, every time I’ve gotten close enough to snatch it, the fucking thing jukes me and heads in the opposite direction. I’m pretty sure AirPods are sentient and Apple didn’t tell anyone.”

Police became involved after receiving numerous phone calls about the man slowly running down U.S. 101.

“At first we assumed it was some sort of domestic disturbance, but when officers arrived on scene they found this young man lunging for his headphone and yelling at pedestrians to try to stop it. We thought we could put an end to it but the situation has become quite serious as the errant audio device has eluded our officers for three hours, and we do anticipate that this chase is far from over, “said LAPD Captain Henry Novak. “So far, spike strips and roadblocks have proven unsuccessful as the AirPod is small enough to avoid roll through the. At this juncture we’re asking everyone to stay clear of the highway so our snipers can get a good shot.”

News of the runway AirPod quickly reached Apple’s headquarters, where its design team explained what may have led to the incident.

“R&D has put a lot of effort into putting the most amount of sound in the smallest of devices. However, one of the unintentional side effects of making AirPods sleek and aesthetically pleasing is that they are dangerously aerodynamic. Owners have reported earbuds flying under furniture or ricocheting off walls, but if dropped out in the open AirPods can reach speeds of up to 30 miles per hour,” said Apple engineer Logan Handell. “Of course, we’ve never seen anything as bad as this now 20 police car chase down the Pacific Highway, so we are considering installing a governor in future models.”

As of press time, Davidson and the LAPD announced that tumbling AirPod is still at large and a $10,000 bounty has been placed on its capture, dead or alive.

Team of Juggalo Scientists Closer Than Ever to Uncovering How Magnets Work

Posted on by Amanda Russel

DETROIT — Juggalo scientists reportedly made a “major breakthrough” in their tireless efforts to finally answer the question that has plagued the Juggalo community for generations: “Fuckin’ Magnets, How Do They Work?”

“It’s fuckin’ sick- ass dope work, mutha fucka,” remarked Murderous T, the self-appointed head scientist of the team, pausing and turning away from his work table littered with scrap metal and horseshoe magnets. “Fuckin’, it’s taking years but we’re sure we’ve almost got it. We already got a fuckin’ truckload of celebratory Faygo ready to go, that’s how goddamn close we are, bitch. We have hustle, we have drive, we’re hungry to solve this assed-out mystery. Other scientists keep trying to shit on our work, but fuck them, they about to get a hatchet to the back if they keep bringing their bitch asses around here.”

There is a palpable excitement within the Juggalo community after learning of the team’s near-success.

“We’re psyched as shit. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I’m like ‘how do these round shits hold shit on my fuckin’ fridge?’ It doesn’t make any sense, but the Great Malenko will guide these scientists to the truth,” said Big Fat Joey da Boat, a lifelong Juggalo. “We’ve been following what they’re doing since day one and now we’re just waiting for big news. This is going to start off the dawn of a new era for Juggalos. I hope they can teach us about crows, ghosts, the midnight coast next. Because all those things scare my donkey ass.”

Local Juggalo elder Uncle Skids is also enthusiastic about the work the scientists are doing, but hopes it doesn’t change how Juggalos view the world.

“Back in the nineties we would play with magnets for hours and we never thought anyone would figure it out. I respect these scientists and their hard work and shit,” Uncle Skids remarked thoughtfully, pausing only to gulp down large sips of Faygo and take a drag of a cigarette. “Mad respect. I hope Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope take notice and appreciate the work that this team is doing. And I hope all the young bucks on the come up understand that there are a lot more miracles in the Dark Carnival, like how Shaggy’s boys look just like Shaggy. How the fuck? Spooky man.”

At press time, the team of scientists announced they had hit a major snag in their research after realizing magnets didn’t stick to any aluminum cans of Faygo.

How Is There an At-home COVID Test Shortage When I Was Able To Buy 100,000 of Them a Month Ago?

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Word around town is there’s an alleged shortage of at-home COVID tests. But if that were the case, how was I single-handedly able to buy up every pharmacy’s stock within a 100-mile radius of my house the minute they were made available to the general public? Something isn’t adding up.

Here I am, shuffling around my home knee-deep in an Amazon warehouse’s worth of rapid tests, and all I’m hearing on the news are so-called “crisis level” stock deficiencies. How is that even possible if some of us have more kits than we can realistically use in one lifetime? Seriously, read the room.

Yesterday I had to use up a whole bunch of my stash before they were set to expire. Thankfully, I tested negative all 135 times. And to think some people haven’t even tested themselves once this morning. Just plain selfish.

I guess that’s the media for you. Always fabricating controversy to scare us into doom-buying the latest trendy products. It’s gotta be bullshit, right? Otherwise, would I be on the phone with Public Storage as we speak asking how many at-home COVID tests I could hypothetically fit into a 5’x10’ unit if push came to shove? I don’t think so.

If there were a real shortage I wouldn’t be forced to resell a handful of my personal inventory for as little as nine or ten times the original price just to make room in my kitchen.

See this closet over here? That’s where I store my extra N95 masks. All 400,000 of them. We have no idea how long the pandemic is going to last and I need to be prepared in case the media fabricates yet another pandemic-related shortage. In fact, we all should. It’s called being responsible. Wait, what’s that about an N95 shortage?

Excitement of Band Coming to Town Snuffed Out by Thought of Leaving House to See Band Coming to Town

Posted on by Krissy Howard

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The excited feeling local punk Cassie Ringo felt when learning of a band coming to town was immediately overpowered by the thought of actually having to go to the band’s show, according to sources who also never want to leave their house again.

“With so much stuff shutting down again there hasn’t been much to look forward to, so when I saw that Sheer Mag were on tour and have a date set here in April, I was beyond stoked,” explained Cassie Ringo, of the Instagram post shared to her story. “Unfortunately, in order for me to see them play I will have to make an effort to go to the show, which involves putting on clothes that are presentable in public, getting to the venue, and then standing there for hours with really loud music playing. Not to mention there will be other people there, and that seems gross. Any reasonable person would agree that this is just too much to ask.”

Fellow good intentions-havers shared Ringo’s sentiment.

“It’s not often enough that a band I like comes through where I live, but you want to know what I can count on anytime one of them does? Myself, to tell six people I know about it, then pretend I didn’t have my phone on me when they follow up asking where I’m at the night of the show,” explained 41-year-old punk Jason Peel. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll be really glad they’re coming through and I definitely want to see them super bad. I’ll always still commit to talking about how I can’t wait to see them for two months, but will in no way be willing to actually do that, not even to catch just their set.”

Plans-canceling experts discourage feeling bad for not showing up at the last minute to just about any social obligation, especially if you “totally would have gone, but just couldn’t make it.”

“If everyone kept 100% of the plans they made, this world would be in absolute chaos. Our highway system is built with the assumption that at least 45% of people who are considering going to a thing will make up something about being behind on work and bail,” said expert social situations-avoider Hilary Lorenz-Fite. “Rather than be shamed for your choice to miss a potentially great evening so that you can stay in your sweatpants and keep watching ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives’ on cable, I encourage everyone to just lean into their decision and make up some bullshit about your roommate leaving the water on or something too boring for anyone to ask much about.”

At press time, 100% of people polled regretted their decision to stay home, promising to attend the next one “for real this time.”