“One” by Metallica is not only a great thrash metal song, it’s one of the most kickass pieces of music ever. But if we’re really being honest with ourselves, it doesn’t really get good until Lars & the Gang kick on their distortion pedals and start laying into some sick double kick drum chugga-chuggas. And you can’t just fast-forward to the exciting part, otherwise the climax isn’t nearly as good. (Just ask my wife.)
Here are 11 ways to pass the time until Metallica’s “One” starts thrashing balls.
Install that bidet you got for Christmas
Lars’ drumming is going to shake some things loose within you (both metaphorically and literally), so why not give yourself the best cleanup method for the aftermath?
Analyze the case study of Metallica vs. Napster, Inc.
Just because you can’t pass the bar exam doesn’t mean you can’t pass the time with this infuriating landmark court case.
Start War & Peace
Let’s not get ridiculous here- you won’t be able to finish the book before the song’s apex, but you’ll put in a decent dent, say 75% or so, assuming you’re a fast reader.
Use the rock tumbler you got in second grade
To this day, no one human on earth knows what a rock tumbler does. Does it polish roigneous rocks into shivs? Does it use centripetal force to open a wormhole to another universe? Today is the day to find out.
Teach yourself how to solder
There are few things as badass as the finale of this song, but one of them is melting metal with your own hands. Learn how to solder and you’ll be fixing shit left and right, all while silently yelling along to “DARKNESS! IMPRISONING ME!”
FaceTime Nana
She wants to get off the call faster than you will ever realize, so you could probably FaceTime your other grandma too!
Jack Off
Or jill off. Go for it- you got time. But please don’t do this immediately after Nana.
Add to Your Criterion Channel Watchlist
Try to decide if “Amacord” is worth watching or why “Armageddon” is in the Criterion collection as you wait for a guitar solo so good, Kirk Hammett didn’t even feel the need to turn his wah pedal on.
Open a bunch of tabs in search of a therapist, but never follow through with any
Your partner wants to think you’re looking for a shrink, but we all know Metallica’s perfect sextuplet palm mutes are all the mental healing you need.
Listen to Metallica’s “Fuel”
“Fuel” is 4:30 which will get you to the tolerable part of “One” which you should continue to play at a low volume so you know where you’re at. While you listen to the songs together, ask yourself how in a span of 8 years Metallica went from prog-thrash masterpieces to shilling for Big Oil with NHL arena riffs.
Research which USB car charger to replace the one stolen from your car last week
USB 2.0 vs USB 3.0 vs USB-C? Does it even matter if it’s a charger? Don’t worry, James will still be singing by the time you figure it out.