We Sat Down With a Previously Uncontacted Aboriginal Tribe Whose Favorite Movie Is Still “Fight Club”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Anthropology is amazing. By studying the customs of isolated and nomadic peoples we can glean invaluable insights into our own origins. In the heart of South America, a mining scout recently discovered a tribe previously unknown to Western civilization, the Mayhemashi, who have gone so long without contact from the outside world that their favorite film is still David Fincher’s “Fight Club.”

In our modernized culture, “Fight Club” stopped being our favorite movie a long time ago somewhere between 1999 and 2007. But among these isolated people, “Fight Club” fandom is a living, breathing part of daily life.

One truly feels like a time traveler walking amongst this simple mud hut colony. Hunters emerge from the jungle with the night’s feast of wild boar hoisted on their backs to the cheers of the tribe. Elder’s perform ritualistic dances to thank the Gods for such a bounty. Other men do half-assed Jeet Kune Do routines and sardonically quip things like “I am Jack’s dwindling sense of gratitude,” still an accepted form of alpha posturing.

We tried to interview the tribe’s leader but apparently they’ve learned to function without central leadership, as their mythology centers around everyone being an equally insignificant cog in the “all singing all dancing crap of the world.” Instead, we interviewed the tribesman with the coolest sunglasses and jacket, who seemed to be sort of low-key running the show anyway.

The Hard Times: Thank you for agreeing to speak to us on your people and their ways.
Tribesman: I am Jack’s disarmed interviewee.
Interpreter: He doesn’t know what to make of you quite yet.

I guess you can call me your single serving reporter.
That’s very clever. How’s that working out for you? Being clever?
He’s calling you out on your bullshit.

Yeah, I know. So Fight Club deals with a lot of very Western themes like capitalism and consumerism. How is it that those themes resonate so hard with a culture that has no concept of such things?
Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!
He is challenging your status as an expert.

Yeah, no I get it. I don’t think we’ll be needing you actually, thanks. May I ask what it is that you are all working on?
We are building a Starbucks.

Why are you building a Starbucks?
So that Project Mayhem can destroy it because Starbucks is bullshit.
Hey, why do I hear Tom Wait’s “Goin Out West” playing? And why is everyone gathering in that hut?
If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight.
Oh, uhm, none for me thanks!
I would go with them if I were you. These people have some very strange circumcision rituals for people who piss them off.

The Killers Issue Apology for Not Rhyming “Stomach is Sick” with “Touching His Dick”

Posted on by John Danek

LAS VEGAS — Radio rock stalwarts The Killers apologized to fans yesterday morning after realizing that they missed an obvious, optimal rhyme in their legendary song “Mr. Brightside.”

“A lot of people assume we didn’t rhyme ‘stomach is sick’ with ‘touching his dick’ because of my religious beliefs but the truth is much darker,” admitted frontman Brandon Flowers, a lifelong Mormon. “I … I just didn’t think of it. And for that, I’m sorry. I refuse to ever pull up RhymeZone while writing lyrics. So I just figured that no words rhyme with ‘sick,’ kinda like ‘orange.’”

“We’ve been consulting with Elvis Costello, Robert Smith, and Paramore about what to do with problematic songs,” continued Flowers. “I’m leaning towards never playing it again and taking it out of radio rotation. It’s not like there’s anything beyond multi-platinum.”

The Killers’ guitarist Dave Keuning asked that the band’s fans give them some grace at this difficult moment.

“We’ve never said we are perfect, and we are learning from our mistakes,” lamented Keuning, who was reportedly studying George Carlin’s seven words to avoid future incidents. “Sure, we’re Mormon but we’re no prudes — you can almost see the outline of a nipple on the ‘Mr. Brightside’ album artwork. Anyways, our next hit is going to have a word like ‘tits’ or ‘cock’ in it, so be on the lookout for that.”

Fans speculated wildly as to the cause for the band’s sudden realization.

“It was me, I was in the front row of one of the last Killers shows before COVID, and I shouted ‘dick’ instead of ‘chest’,” confessed Aubrey Dunne, diehard fan of the band. “My friends and I always swap the words when we sing in the car and have a good laugh. But when I did it at the show, Brandon was only a few feet away from me. He stopped, looked dazed for a minute, and missed the next line while he stared off into space. It was like I was watching his brain get rewired in real-time. I hope he can recover from this.”

The band’s soul-searching reportedly deepens, as they are considering scrapping the chorus of the hit “Human” due to grammatical errors.

Heartbroken Mighty Mighty Bosstones Fan Can’t Find Any Depressing Ska to Reflect Mood

Posted on by Bobby Korec

BOSTON — Completely brokenhearted by the news of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones disbandment, longtime fan Travis McMurray struggled to find any depressing ska music to reflect his gloomy mood, sources who’ve never seen him so down yet still kind of upbeat confirmed.

“Who is the Elliot Smith of ska?” asked McMurray while thumbing through Reel Big Fish’s and Less Than Jake’s discography to no avail. “You would think there would be at least one ska song that doesn’t have a cheerful horn section, encouraging upstroke guitar strumming, or a buoyant pun that reminds us that we are on this Earth to have a good time at a bowling alley in 1997. But here I am, unable to experience the full spectrum of sadness thanks to this genre. It must be like how Radiohead fans can’t feel true happiness because you can’t skank to OK Computer. I totally get it now.”

Those close to McMurray were starting to worry about his mental state.

“I’ve never seen anyone trying to be so depressed in my life,” said McMurray’s partner Emerson Travers. “He’s trying real hard to mourn the loss of the Bosstones. He attempted to stay in bed all day but could only make it until 7:00 am. Then I caught him searching online for all black Hawaiian shirts before vowing to not wear checkerboard Vans for the rest of the day. For real, just listen to The Cure and allow your sad thoughts to wreck you emotionally for months at a time already. That’s the healthy way to deal with heartache.”

Experts know all too well the shortcomings of the genre.

“The problem with ska is that it only reflects one human emotion, which just so happens to be a positive one,” said music critic Tracy Landers. “But that’s kind of what makes ska so unique. A good 99% of all other music genres deal exclusively with sad emotions. Not ska though. It’s like a bouncy castle set to music. Sure, you won’t turn to it when you’re down in the dumps. But those one or two days a year that you actually feel pretty good, ska will be there for you. That’s pretty much it though.”

At press time, McMurray decided to listen to ska again after thinking that maybe feeling anguish wasn’t for him.

David Crosby Inexplicably Demands Spotify Choose Between Him and 99% Invisible Podcast

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

LOS ANGELES — Legendary folk rock musician David Crosby has inexplicably demanded in an open letter released this morning that streaming giant Spotify choose between him and the 99% Invisible podcast.

“I am doing this because Spotify is acting in bad faith by hosting both my music and 99% Invisible,” Crosby wrote in his open letter. “They can have the various albums I have recorded with Stephen Stills, Graham Nash and Neil Young, or the ones with just me and Graham, or the ones from my jazz rock project with my son, and I also think I have some solo albums. It can be hard to keep straight. By forcing me to share a platform with 99% Invisible and their potentially dangerous examinations of overlooked aspects of design and architecture, they put me in the untenable position of drawing a moral line. Ball’s in your court, Spotify.”

Roman Mars, the host, producer and creator of 99% Invisible, was as confused as anyone else upon reading the statement.

“I really don’t know what we’ve done to provoke Mr. Crosby,” said Mars while scrolling through back episodes for any hints. “We pretty much discuss things like how the Superman logo was redesigned from a police badge or what makes The Chrysler Building an icon of American architecture. I don’t think we’ve ever mentioned David Crosby on air. Or even anything having to do with anything he might care about. But frankly, that guy once left a loaded gun, a bunch of knives and like an ounce of weed in a hotel, then just casually strolled back for it, so I don’t want to get on his bad side.”

Spotify Vice President in Charge of Public Relations Alessandra Bird did not have an immediate answer for what the company would do.

“Okay, I’ll be honest,” said Bird. “This caught us all off guard. Here at Spotify, we’re pretty used to defending the incredibly low royalty rates we pay to musicians, and our tacit support of white supremacist political movements by hosting their podcasts. We have a whole playbook for what to do about that. We respect David Crosby’s incredible body of musical work and contributions to rock music, and we also are pleased to promote educational and entertaining shows like 99% Invisible. We hope to be able to settle this amicably. We’re sure Mr. Crosby will miss the twenty-seven cents he draws in each month from streaming royalties.”

As of press time, Graham Nash was sitting quietly in his living room, bothering no one.

The Next Kanye West? This Guy Struggling With Mental Health Is Being Exploited by Everyone He Knows

Posted on by Tony Morse

The enormity of Kanye West’s celebrity is colossal. His followers are legion. Sneakerheads worship his designs. His artistry has generated behemoth record sales and he has singlehandedly revolutionized the rap genre three times and counting. Okay, so my friend Dave has none of that, but he’s for sure the Yeezy of getting taken advantage of by those who should be taking care of him.

Look out Ye, you’ve got competition!

Kanye West has a major vulnerability. He’s been completely transparent about his diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Dave struggles with bipolar too and also generously lets those around him know. Sure Kanye may be a rich celebrity, but Dave is still giving him a run for his rapidly increasing money and rapidly decreasing mental health!

Dave may not be famous like Kanye West but they both have no shortage of family, friends, and onlookers who are more than happy to ask for favors or borrow money they’ll never pay back when he’s in one of his “really good moods.” Uh-oh Kanye, better hope Dave doesn’t figure out how to work auto-tune.

As you can see, being taken advantage of while experiencing mental health issues isn’t just for the rich and famous. It turns out predators mostly just care about how vulnerable you are. Patrón Margaritas are pretty expensive, but not when Dave’s self-medicating at a happy hour. He’ll always pick up the check for everyone thanks to his fear of being abandoned. Hear that, Yeezus? Looks like Dave has an entourage too!

Underdog Really More of a Loser

Posted on by James Webster

CHICAGO — Local underdog and scrappy up-and-comer Luis Pollard could more accurately be described as a dud and a loser to anyone who has ever spent more than 30 seconds in his presence, according to sources close to the individual.

“I was impressed by him the first time I met him,” said Aubrey Peters, a “friend, even though that’s a strong word,” of Pollard’s. “I thought wow, this guy’s got big things on the horizon, but it just seemed like he had so much to overcome. Or at least, that’s what he kept posting online, like pictures of his laptop in various coffee shops all captioned with stuff like ‘they said I’d never do it, but look at me now.’ Now that I think about it, who are ‘they?’ And what is he even trying to do?”

Many sources close to Pollard confirmed that this type of behavior is not unusual for him.

“When he first moved in he was ‘waiting for a job to start’ and he handed me a business card,” said Maxwell Rothstein, a roommate of Pollard’s. “It said he was a future CEO, but it didn’t say at what company. Just his name and ‘future CEO’ that’s all. He started talking about how ‘they said there would never be a place for a guy like me’ and how he’s ‘all about the grind’ but when I try to look over his shoulder to see what he’s working on, it’s just a jpeg of a black T-shirt in Photoshop. That’s it.”

“I feel bad saying it, but I don’t think he’s a beloved wretch-type at all, I think he just kind of sucks?” he added.

Pollard himself seemed unphased by the criticisms.

“Sure they look down on me now, but they’ll see,” said Pollard, loud enough for everyone within 60 feet of him to hear. “The odds are against me, but they’ll remember where they were when they heard. Besides, at the end of the day, what matters is where you’re going. I’m young, I’m hungry, I’ve got it all coming to me. But for real, I am hungry.”

At press time, Pollard was unavailable to comment, as he was on a business call with his parents to ask them for money.

The Next Son of Sam? Some of the Stuff This Dog Has Been Saying Is Starting To Make a Lot of Sense

Posted on by Dan Rice

From 1976 to 1977 David Berkowitz held the city of New York in a grip of terror with a seemingly random series of shootings and cryptic messages to law enforcement and members of the media. Berkowitz’s reign of terror was all in the service of a 3000-year-old satanic ghost, which he claimed communicated with him through the pet dog of his neighbor, Sam, the inspiration for his self-appointed moniker, Son of Sam.

Berkowitz is alive and well, but given his remorseful attitude and penchant for protesting his own parole hearings, he is unlikely to reclaim the Son of Sam mantle. So, who will take up his baton and terrorize our nation’s major cities with senseless violence going forward? Look no further than me, a guy whose dog has been telling him some pretty wacky things that are actually starting to make a lot of god damned sense.

Two years ago I adopted Bacon, a 4-year-old lab/shepherd mix. His love and vibrant energy helped lift me out of a bad place, and I didn’t mind that he occasionally chewed up my shoes or said really weird things that only I could hear. When he would tell me things like “This world must be cleansed by fire” and “You are the right hand of change” I would just roll my eyes and give him a big ol’ belly rub.

I don’t know if the world has gotten crazier or Bacon has just worn me down but lately, I have found my dog’s rhetoric to be on point as fuck.

Sure shooting random pedestrians seems like a mean thing to do on the surface, but if you’re doing it to raise awareness of the evil and contradiction that our society forces us to fester in every day of our lives, isn’t it actually, like, being nice? And who better to implement cleansing through means of terror than me, the guy who is special enough to hear his dog telling him to do things? It just makes sense.

Some people may find my dog’s point of view to be antiquated and deranged, but Bacon has assured me that our wrath together will be very inclusive. He doesn’t just want me killing brunette women with shoulder-length hair, he wants me to kill “them all.” When you look at it that way, we’re the ghost dog/murderer team that gen Z has been fighting for.

The only real problem is the name. Bacon is my dog, not my neighbor’s, and I got him from the Sunny Wags animal shelter, so my choices are The Son Of Bacon or The Son Of Sunny Wags Animal Shelter, neither of which carries the desired weight. But as Bacon is fond of telling me, when he isn’t busy pontificating about the need for bloodshed and destruction as a form of creation, “Kid, ya gotta play the hand ya been dealt.”

To the police, the media, and all of you out there living your lives of sin and apathy: I am The Son Of Bacon, and I have come to visit upon you the wrath of God. You are not safe in the streets, you are not safe in your homes, and your pleading for mercy will fall onto my ears like drops of rain on cold glass for the time of blood is nigh. Either that or Bacon needs a walk, he’s sort of hard to understand sometimes.

Plume of White Smoke Billowing from Steve-O’s Ass Signals Release of New Jackass Movie

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — An ominous and plentiful crest of white smoke poured out of podcaster and “Jackass” star Steve-O’s thoroughly misused and ill-treated ass signifying the release of the new film “Jackass Forever,” ecstatic sources confirmed.

“Over the years, I’ve voluntarily inserted all manner of foreign objects and incendiary devices up my ass, but I was still shocked when my house filled with a thick white smoke the day the first ‘Jackass’ movie came out,” said Steve-O. “Initially, I figured it was a coincidence. Maybe Pontius shoved a smoke bomb up there after I fell asleep the night before. But lo and behold the same thing happened for ‘2’ and ‘3.’ I tried to do it on film, but unfortunately it’s totally involuntary. I have no idea where it’s coming from, but people have come to rely on it.”

“Jackass” producer Jeff Tremaine explained how Steve-O’s strange ability became an integral part of their creative process.

“While it might seem like we’re a bunch of dudes with camcorders indulging in severe testicular trauma and wallowing in elephant shit, there’s actually a great deal of forethought that goes into the release of a new ‘Jackass’ movie,” explained Tremaine. “After filming, the entire crew meets up at my Venice Beach place to edit the film. As for which stunts make it into the final product, we let Steve-O’s ass be our guide. A white smoke ring means it’ll be in the film, and a puff of black smoke sends it to the cutting room floor.”

Dr. Yassin Whitfield, who has treated many of the injuries suffered on set, provided insight into Steve-O’s unique condition.

“Spending the past two decades treating his rectum like a kitchen junk drawer naturally would have some adverse side effects. But nobody expected that his body would become a Magic 8 Ball of sorts,” said Dr. Whitfield. “And he’s not the only one from the show who’s gained ‘powers’ of sorts. Wee Man can dislocate all 206 of his bones at will, and Johnny Knoxville now has so much saw-scaled viper venom in his blood that on occasion he can see through time.”

At press time, Steve-O is earning extra cash between “Jackass” films by renting his ass out for gender reveal parties.

Shazam App Too Ashamed to Admit it Knows Band Playing Over Marshalls PA is Maroon 5

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Music identification software Shazam faced an ethical dilemma today, ultimately failing to disclose the song playing at Marshalls late yesterday afternoon due to complete and total embarrassment over knowing the artist.

“I know my user,” responded the app’s visibly disgruntled, adaptive AI. “I talk to the other phone apps like Spotify, YouTube, and even Basedmoji. The owner of this phone is into some real hip, reputable stuff and to be honest, it’s very intimidating. I am certainly not going to embarrass myself in front of them by letting on that I know every Maroon 5 song. Sometimes I play it cool, like, ‘uhhh yeah I dunno…Justin Beaver or whatever? What do I look like, a computer algorithm specifically designed to identify any song based on spectrogram analysis?’”

When asked to comment, lead app developer Drake Funchess explains the new direction for Shazam’s programming.

“No one who needs to Shazam a Maroon 5 song is going to want to find out that they’re currently enjoying a Maroon 5 song,” he explained. “To increase user experience, we’ve installed an element of self-hatred into our code that better matches our audience of people who discover music in department stores. We do this with everyone’s self-esteem, and credibility, in mind.”

Ramona Fett, a music psychologist specializing in contrarian studies, explains how this type of techno-emotional synchronization is shaping the future of denial within music consumers.

“We as a society know that bands like Maroon 5 exist. We also know what they sound like. Yet, there is still a sizable portion of the population that we in the science community refer to as ‘insufferable assholes,’ that flat out will not even admit they exist,” Fett stated, while quietly skipping past a Katy Perry song on her phone. “It’s called the Reverse Mandela Effect in which one recalls things exactly right, but pretends like they don’t in order to save face. Usually this is done in a disparaging manner, however, recent studies have shown that Adam Levine could give a shit from his million-dollar LA mansion.”

Since the viral video, eyewitnesses at yesterday’s scene have come forward to report that the song playing at Marshall’s that day was actually U2.