PORTLAND, Ore. — Local woman Irene Schwein found herself scrambling to explain the trove of sex toys unearthed by her parents during their visit to her new apartment, sources confirm.
“I literally want to die,” Schwein stated from an alley outside while she smoked a cigarette. “This is the first time my parents have visited this apartment, and my mother just fucking opened the one drawer in the entire house that had my dildos in it. I specifically put them all in the same place to avoid this happening. Can you imagine the look on her face when she saw a half-dozen silicone dicks, some of which look like dragons and several of which are covered in multiple suction devices? This is hell. I live in hell.”
Schwein’s partner, Ash Hylen, confirmed that this is not the first time their sex toys had been discovered by Schwein’s parents.
“While this is undoubtedly the worst time this has ever happened, it’s not the only time. We can’t forget the strap-on incident of 2016,” Hylen stated plainly. “The last time we moved, Irene’s mother managed to find the one toy we missed in our sweep by checking behind the bed frame. She literally walked into the kitchen holding the rubber O-ring, covered in dust and cat hair and shit, and asking if one of us lost a hair tie. She should be a detective, I swear to God.”
Luanne Schwein, Irene’s mother, was insistent that these repeated occurrences are merely coincidence.
“Hand to God, I am not a woman who snoops,” Mrs. Schwein asserted while opening and closing every bathroom cabinet. “I know I’ve put my daughter and her lovely partner in some embarrassing situations in the past, but I do not judge their tastes. We women have to look out for each other.”
“Oh, would you look at this,” she added, examining what appeared to be a stainless steel buttplug hidden in a fireproof lockbox. “I’m not even sure where this goes!”
Schwein returned from her cigarette break just in time for her father to enter from the basement holding a Hitachi Magic Wand, asking if he could borrow her back massager.