Kid Who Got Guitar for Christmas Announces Indefinite Hiatus

Posted on by John Danek

SARASOTA, Fla. – 6th grader and budding musician Wyatt Backstrom announced that he was stepping away from the Squier Strat he received for Christmas for the foreseeable future, his furious parents reported.

“After weeks of soul-searching, I have realized that my heart just isn’t in the music anymore. I’m taking a much-needed step away from the guitar,” announced Backstrom, who hadn’t yet mastered an open G chord. “For me to continue would be nothing more than going through the motions, and my fans deserve better. I aim to devote more time to ‘Fortnite’ and ‘Minecraft,’ and have changed my Twitch name from WyattGuitar to WyattThaN00bPwner. Please respect my privacy at this time, unless you want to subscribe.”

Wyatt’s father Oliver Backstrom is reportedly not handling the news of the hiatus well.

“God damnit! He begged us for a guitar all fall after seeing someone do a two-hand tapping lick on TikTok and he gave up the moment he realized you actually have to put in a little bit of work to figure it out,” growled Mr. Backstrom, who was excited to share his passion for guitar with his first-born son. “I printed out the tabs for King Crimson’s ‘21st Century Schizoid Man’ and Wire’s ‘Pink Flag’, both of which he gave up on immediately. He almost learned the power chords to Olivia Rodrigo’s ‘good 4 u’ but I had to get him off that pop-punk hack bullshit. Whelp, he’s about to learn a lesson in economics because I’m making him sell the guitar on Craigslist himself.”

Fans of Wyatt expressed their devastation over the pause of his career in many colorful ways.

“I can’t believe it, his music changed my life, like the one snap he sent to me of him posing with the guitar even though the amp was off,” said classmate Kyla Walker, who is speculated to have a crush on Wyatt. “At least I have all his previous works to go back to, saved on my phone’s Camera Roll. But I guess I support whatever is best for Wyatt in the long run, as long as it ends with us getting married.”

As of press time, Backstrom is reportedly titillating fans with clues on social media about his next career move which may feature requesting a dirt bike, snowboard, or Sony Playstation 5 for his birthday.

We Compared These Strains of Sativa and Indica Because We Can’t Ever Just Enjoy Anything

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

What’s up, friends of the bud? If you’re like us, you don’t treat marijuana like something to huff out of a beer can bong with your college friends on some porch. We’ve come a long way from smoking some stem-and-seed, oregano-ass ditch weed.

These days, we put some actual science and critical thinking into what we use to get wicked high, and maybe that’s symptomatic of how we can never just relax and enjoy ourselves. So check out our comparisons of different sativa and indica strains and their flavors, after-tastes, heft, crystallization, mouth-feel and scent profiles, because everything needs to be a project!

Uncle Johnnycakes: This popular strain of sativa was crossbred from the Fester Addams and Pancake Heaven, which gives it a sweet, syrupy taste and an electric head high. It definitely will help you keep active and creative, which just means you’ll be alert to turn what should be a relaxing moment into work. Like we always do.

Wet Womp: On the other hand, this sour as hell indica is pungent, astringent and many testers call it “euphoric.” Not that you’d know, because if we so much as feel content, we have to figure out how to replicate that until it disappears like a waking dream.

Verdict: Uncle Johnnycakes! This sick skunkadunk was super flavorful and refreshing, just what the doctor ordered. Unlike our therapist Dr. Gundersen, who told us we need to work on mindfulness.

Lambrusco Supernova: Just like its namesake sparkling wine, this sativa packs a wallop! Its profile is crisp and slightly tingly and we already wish we could have just smoked and sat and laughed with our friends, instead of demanding they give us detailed descriptions of the sensation. Why do they even hang out with us?

Mangosia: Tropical as hell, buddy! This hybrid is a blend of pineapple, mango, and guava flavors, and made us feel like we were ready for a nap on a white sand beach in the Maldives. But knowing us, we’d probably be compelled to go and explore and rate everything around us, even though we should just learn to sit and rest.

Verdict: Mangosia! Packing this indica in your bowl is like biting into a perfectly ripe mango and letting the juice run down your chin, which we have never done. Probably never will.

Q Branch: Welcome, 00-Stoner! This sativa was developed by those mad grass scientists in the UK and reportedly is a hybrid of the Grass with the Golden Gun and an unknown funk. Highly regarded for its tingly, energizing effects, it just makes us think how we use experimentation and cataloging results as a way to avoid being in the moment. Damn.

Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em: Our buddy Todd described Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em as “heavy as a thick ass bassline,” which doesn’t make any sense at all, but look at him. He’s just enjoying this shit, not overthinking it. We never thought we’d envy Todd. But he has it all figured out, man.

Verdict: Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em, we guess. Why the fuck not.

The verdict on all of these is the same. We really need help. It’s no kind of life to constantly be judging and rating and evaluating, just to feel like you’re constantly productive. We’re going to talk to Dr. Gundersen about this. Right after we break down these episodes of “How I Met Your Mother” to which has the wildest Barney story.

Goddamit, we’re doing it again.

Ex-Screamo Frontman Reminded Not To Put Entire Headset In Mouth During Zoom Meeting

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

KETTERING, Ohio — Ex-Screamo Frontman Buster Krull was once again reminded that he did not have to lodge his entire headset into his mouth to be heard during a work meeting conducted over Zoom.

“It’s just incredibly distracting,” explained Krull’s supervisor, Bridget Larson. “He’s a great kid, and he does a lot of phenomenal work here at Ambit Customer Solutions, but every single time he speaks during our afternoon meeting it’s unbelievably loud and distorted. Without fail, I pull up his square in the call to find he’s shoved his entire headset in his mouth. In one instance, which I have documented and added to his file, I saw that he had been hanging upside down from a pipe in his basement office for the entirety of the meeting. This is a place of business, not some circus.”

While Krull understood that his professional style isn’t always going to be a good fit for everyone, he still reported frustration over his management team’s attempt to stifle his individuality.

“I had to adjust to be taken seriously as a frontman. I learned quickly in the scene that the only way to get the most out of my voice was to practically inhale my mic. Not only that, it looks cool as fuck,” stated Krull. “In the corporate world, much like the screamo world, you need to do whatever you can to stand out. I choose to accentuate my high-pitched screaming to assert dominance over the entire Zoom sesh. If you ask me, Bridget’s just afraid I’m going to steal her job.”

Behavioral Therapist Laura Derning, who specializes in Ex-Screamo societal reintegration, explained that Krull’s predicament is one that she sees often.

“Often my clients have a lot of trouble differentiating the real world from the youth center stages that once hosted them. I actually had to call an ambulance when one of my patients passed out during a telehealth appointment,” noted Derning. “Turns out they had an AirPod stuck in their windpipe. I’m currently working with a former singer from a heavier band that was just let go from an accounting position for repeatedly typing ‘LET’S OPEN UP THIS MOTHERFUCKING GOOGLE DOC’ into the chat. That doc is restricted to only people with the link, and they knew that.”

At press time, Krull was being asked to turn his camera off before performing spin kicks across his living room.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

10 Best Minor Characters On “The Sopranos”

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

As we get set to revisit the world of “The Sopranos” with the prequel movie “The Many Saints of Newark,” we decided to take a look back at the lesser-known cast of characters that fleshed out the North Jersey mob. You know Tony, Christopher, Silvio, Paulie Walnuts and Big Pussy, but do you remember these wiseguys?

Kristof Maccaviti

After falling out of favor with his uncle Tony due to a botched hijacking of a Kitchen Aid mixer delivery, Christopher Moltisanti devised a serum he called “cool juice” to alter his DNA, transforming him from the temperamental, drug-addicted Christopher into the ultra-smooth Kristof for just one episode.

Watony

Following the untimely death of actress Nancy Marchand, “Sopranos” creator David Chase hastily developed this new arch-enemy for Tony Soprano to fill the hole left by the loss of his evil mother Livia. Viewers revolted, however, and the Watony character was killed when the pig statue above Satriale’s fell on his head.

“Papa John” Schnatter

The real-life Papa John’s Pizza founder played himself in a season 2 episode after opening a restaurant near the Bada Bing strip club. However, Schnatter proved to be too racist even for the notoriously problematic Soprano crew, and the character was found dead in his own pizza oven by New Jersey State Police.

Big Mouth Billy Bass

The animatronic novelty fish appeared in multiple episodes, often the target of Tony’s rage due to its similarity to a prophetic dream he had about friend-turned-informant Big Pussy. But his most memorable appearance came in a season 6 episode wherein he scammed the hapless Artie Bucco out of $20,000 in a counterfeit pasta sauce scheme.

DJ $hoot Yo Azz

Oh, god, remember every time the show tried to feature a character who was in the world of hip-hop, and they had some stupid name or talked in every cliche in the book and were a borderline racist charcature? Yeesh.

Mafioso La Cosa Nostra

Every appearance of this season one character, a stereotypical aging mob boss who spoke broken English and was playing both sides of the Junior/Tony scuffle, was often accompanied by a low-key violin score and seated at a candlelit table. Allegedly, HBO execs demanded the inclusion of the character after every scene of Meadow Soprano talking about going to college or whatever so viewers would remember they were actually watching a show about the mafia.

The Magnificent Magooz

This floating orange alien from the planet Ooloo, who only Tony could see, was added during the 5th season. Magooz, who called Tony “dingbat,” had the power to make all of Tony’s wishes come true, but often with ironic consequences.

The goat who was friends with Pie-O-My

A little-known extra on the season 4 DVD release features a day in the life of Knuckles, the goat who lived at the stables with Ralph Cifaretto’s racehorse Pie-O-My. Knuckles is stolen by a group of drunken frat boys from Rutgers, but teaches them a valuable lesson on respecting others’ property, before returning to find Ralph had burnt down the stables. Also, the goat can talk.

Optimus Prime

Sure, he didn’t transform and never talked, but creator David Chase has confirmed that the truck Brendan Filone and Christopher Moltisanti hijack in season 1the noble Autobot leader.

9/11 and the death of America’s innocence

Though these characters didn’t make an appearance until season 4, they’ve left the biggest mark on society by far. Plus, it gave the show’s characters a whole new group of people to be unrepentantly racist toward.

Help! No One Liked My Solo Project So Now I’m Stuck in My Stupid, Successful Regular Band

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Justin Timberlake. Beyonce. Me. Throughout music history, there have often been stars within a group that clearly outshine the others. Stars who everyone on Earth, except the other group members, clearly saw real star power and desperately wanted them to go solo.

But oh no! My fans must be way dumber than J.T. and Queen B’s because my solo album flopped so now I have to rejoin my stupid, massively successful band.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the band. Our song “Treefrog of Life” took us across the entire world. Our second album “Make Love, Not Commercialism” bought my house. Hell, the royalties for “Hippy Poonhound (Reprise)“ alone bought my beach house! But it’s like, how many songs can we write for rich college kids who think they’re hippies? And how many times can I hear my TikTok star girlfriend, my LA party friends, and all these management firms tell me how much better I am than the other guys before I nut up and go solo?

Not many people know what it’s like to get everything you ever dreamed of at 20 and then immediately yearn for even more. Am I just supposed to repeat that tired old cycle of successful album, successful tour, successful album, successful tour until I die?

They say to surround yourself with people who inspire you and I’m all the inspiration I need.

Maybe I made too big of an artistic leap for the unimaginative masses to follow. When Timberlake and Beyonce went solo, they only had to appeal to braindead pop fans. I, on the other hand, have to appeal to braindead Grateful Dead fans. Fucking musical philistines who don’t appreciate art unless it’s printed on a tab of acid.

Anyway, that about concludes my rejoining announcement. Can’t wait to see everyone on tour. We have the best fans in the world!

Guy Who Resells Band T-Shirts Explains That the Pit Stains Don’t Matter if It Is Single Stitch

Posted on by Alexandra Johnson

TEMPE, Ariz. — Self-appointed master of thrifting Ryan Lowell is reportedly exhausted from explaining his craft to uneducated crowds low-balling him on his vintage resell Instagram page, confirmed multiple sources wearing tattered t-shirts.

“My outfit is a thrashed classic that is worth more than you make in a month,” said Lowell pointing to a hole-adorned Dead Kennedys T-shirt. “My crowd at the vintage tents look at a piece like this and know they are dealing with a master of thrift craft. I drive to a Goodwill in a low-income community every day and personally fight off a gaggle of losers who couldn’t possibly comprehend the value of the pieces I sell. I bought out the entire men’s section of a Savers and now I’m listing those garments at a fair market value, which is only about a 900% markup.”

Lowell’s seller ratings on eBay confirm his relevance in his vintage curating community by providing insight on recent items.

“Last week I bought a 100% cotton 1990 original mounted collar Primus ‘Frizzle Fry’ shirt from Ryan that is only going to skyrocket in value. This thing is near mint condition other than a free dozen stains on the front, back and sides,” reported fellow reseller Ron Gillmore, whose jeans were six sizes too big. “It is like crypto I can wear. Plus, I love to put my face into the fabric of a find and get the sweet smell of cigarettes and PBR vomit. The fresh flea market aroma always gets my blood pumping.”

Some close to Lowell are not as swept up by the vintage resell craze that has seemed to overtake his day-to-day life.

“When Ryan and I first started dating we would camp and go on hikes, but then he got his first taste of the resell life when he sold a Nine Inch Nails shirt he found in his garage for $40. Now whenever we go out it’s always a flea market or a vintage meet-up. It’s the same twelve guys buying and selling off of one another as they speak in code,” said Lowell’s girlfriend Ella Gomez. “On our three-year anniversary, we woke up at 7 a.m. to comb through the gross bins, and he found a 2001 System Of A Down Toxicity Tour T-shirt. He said it was the happiest day of his life.”

At press time, Lowell was planning an elaborate heist to steal a vintage “Bartman” shirt from an elderly neighbor who is keeping it as a tribute to his son who died in a fire in 1994.

Oh, You’re a Joy Division Fan? Name 3 Ways You’re Working on Your Mental Health, Because We Care About You

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Hey, we heard you’re a real big Joy Division fan. Sure. Uh huh. If you’re such a big fan of the post-punk Manchester goth legends, how about you name three ways you’re working on your mental health, because we care about you.

We want to make sure you’re prioritizing emotional stability, and aren’t just some kind of poser. If you are feeling like you need help, there’s lots of techniques you can use to feel less alone. Unless you’re some Johnny Come Lately who just heard “Love Will Tear Us Apart” for the first time in “Donnie Darko,” then you can just fuck right off.

A lot of people claim to be fans of Joy Division, but it’s not just about black and white photos and weird dancing. Have you ever tried guided meditation? It can be a good way to relieve depression and to gain perspective on stressful situations. You know what else is stressful? Having a true love for a legendary band like Joy Division, and seeing their massive impact on your life watered down by fake fans. It’s important to remember there’s no such thing as a fake feeling, though.

And sure, a lot of Ian Curtis’ lyrics are intensely melancholy. They definitely can exacerbate intense feelings, especially negative ones. And remember, there’s no such thing as a bad feeling. There can be negative feelings and positive ones, but you should never feel bad for feeling. It’s important to remember that the legend around a tragic person isn’t the totality of experience, and that you should contextualize sadness within the framework of emotional growth, assuming again that you are not some poser-ass bitch about to get his teeth knocked in by a real fan.

Okay listen, if you’re not going to take being a Joy Division fan seriously, we’ll still have your back no matter what. We’re there for you, and will support you even if you’re some Hot Topic newbie who just bought a t-shirt because they think all those jagged lines “look cool.” Cool? Cool?! Look, asshole. That is the legendary album art designed by Peter Saville for Joy Division’s debut album “Unknown Pleasures,” and it represents the successive radio pulses from pulsar CP 1919 as discovered in 1967, but more than that, it evokes a feeling of distance, loneliness and otherworldliness that perfectly matches one of the greatest bands ever.

So, yeah, it is pretty cool. You’re very observant and a good person.

Oh, you think you like New Order too? Get some Arthur Baker remixes or get the fuck out.

Atreyu Sells Entire Catalog to Sony in Landmark $13.99 Deal

Posted on by Tom K

YORBA LINDA, Calif. — Sony Music Group announced the acquisition of all recorded works and songwriting property of metalcore outfit Atreyu in a staggering deal estimated well over ten dollars, sources close to the band confirmed.

“It’s a smart investment. The deal includes a wealth of songs from ‘Ex’s and Oh’s’ to the radio edit of ‘Ex’s and Oh’s.’ Who knows, we might reboot the ‘Crazy Taxi’ video game and one of their songs could possibly fit in somewhere,” said CEO Rob Stringer. “To be honest, I was a little strapped for cash after the big Springsteen deal so I’m happy to be dabbling in smaller markets. Right now is the perfect time to buy, ‘When We Were Young’ has stirred up a frenzy in a market that has enjoyed a stable 15 years of irrelevance.”

Early reports indicate that all negotiations took place at the band’s merch table following a sold-out homecoming show at the local rec center.

“We were just about to pack up and let the intramural basketball team take the court when this pudgy, Horace Slughorn-looking type comes up to us in a suit and tie,” said Atreyu frontman Brandon Saller. “When he told us he was interested in ‘buying our catalog’ at first I thought he meant the U-Line catalog I use as a pillow in the van. But it turns out he wanted to buy the rights to our music. He tried to lowball us by offering a few ‘slightly used’ iTunes gift cards, but I wouldn’t budge. I know our worth and fourteen bucks is more than anyone has spent on our music in a long time, and we’re looking forward to using this good momentum heading into 2022.”

The band’s lawyer, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke highly of the mammoth deal in the official Atreyu thrice-weekly email blast.

“It’s the best we could have hoped for, exceeding expectations by far. First, I made a cool six dollar commission. Second, it’s a load off my shoulders. Personally, I’m not too familiar with the band’s music,” said the lawyer. “I think I know the song from Now 9, but that may have been Adema. Either way, if I saw a commercial using vaguely generic, scream-ish type music, I wouldn’t even be sure if I should sue. So just getting rid of the rights is a huge relief.”

UPDATE: After more carefully reading the fine print of Sony’s contract, Atreyu’s Dan Jacobs released a follow-up statement, through gritted teeth, that the band is overjoyed to be the Kid’s Choice Awards house band through 2029.

5 True Crime Podcasts Ranked by How Close They Came To Catching Me

Posted on by Dan Rice

Gruesome crimes, small towns full of secrets, and a tireless hunt for justice. These days people just can’t get enough of compelling true crime stories, and to those people I say “You’re welcome.”

As the serialized killer that the media has dubbed “The Torso Taker” I take a lot of pride in contributing to your commute-time entertainment. Here are the top 5 podcasts to cover my horrific acts, ranked by how easy it was for me to slip through the hosts fingers like so many grains of sand.

5. Into The Blue
This one was not even close. Instead of playing detective, these jabronis decided to focus on police corruption and inefficiency. Sure they made some solid points, but points didn’t stop me from killing 6 more victims, did they?

4. Torso Town
A professional podcast that presents the facts of the case in a clear and concise manner, I just have two minor notes:
-The host’s voice is a little nasally.
-They failed to identify me as the killer or even a suspect.
I can forgive one or the other, but not both. Have at it if you’re a completest, otherwise skip ahead.

3. The Last Thing They Saw
These true crime investigators were the first to really give me a run for my money! They were the first to connect me with more than one victim, and got me admitting to a sexual relationship with one of them which I initially lied to the police about, on mic! Unfortunately a more interesting crime took place a few counties over, so they packed up and left, just when they almost had me!

2. Who Could Have Done Such A Thing?
This was my podcast, which I started in an effort to lead investigations into the wrong direction and take some of the heat off of myself when the walls felt like they were closing in. You would think that a podcast I hosted to generate red herrings would be nowhere near this list and yet here it is at number 2. Why? Because I just couldn’t stop referring to the murderer as “I.” Pretty dumb mistake but I’ve never been on mic before, it makes you nervous!

While this show is essentially a misinformation campaign, I do present some pretty compelling evidence and theories that, while lies, are pretty interesting and I still think it’s worth a listen.

1. Scooby Gang
The one that caught me, can’t give much more of a glowing recommendation than that! Thanks to the hosts of this show I am behind bars serving 8 consecutive life sentences and I still gave it 5 stars on Apple, that’s how good it is. I’m a true crime fan first and a true crime doer second. You do not want to skip this one.

And hey, why not check out “Who Could Have Done Such A Thing” while you’re at it. I’m not saying it’s as good, but it totally has its charms and makes a great companion-listen all things considered.

Man Pours Beer on Himself Before Show to Get it Over With

Posted on by Char Byram

PORTLAND — Local man Dave Hart decided to take the initiative and saturate himself with copious amounts of beer prior to the show he’ll be attending tonight, having been repeatedly wetted by people’s beverages while seeing bands play in the past.

“It’s better to just get this out of the way now so I can get used to the sticky feeling and bad smell,” said Hart while pouring out a can of PBR over his head, the golden stream cascading down his chin onto his shirt. “Plus, people tend to avoid you when you show up all wet. If all goes according to plan then nobody will bump into me and I’ll only be mildly damp by the time the headliner goes on while everyone else is getting absolutely blasted by spilled beer. I might even fill up the bathtub with a keg next time to make sure I’m fully soaked, at a fraction of the cost!”

While sympathetic to his approach, Hart’s roommate Steve Ossoff feels that he’s going to extreme lengths and ruining the experience for himself and others.

“Yeah, he took my six-pack out of the fridge and just started dousing himself with them one after the other right in the middle of the kitchen,” said Ossoff. “Dave could have done it outside on the deck or brought the kiddie pool we use to wash the dog inside and stood in that, but no. Instead I ended up slipping in the puddle of body beer and tweaked my wrist really bad. I’m not sure what point he’s trying to make, if he doesn’t want people to spill shit on him then just stand in the back and stop wasting all my alcohol.”

Rex Nelson, a bartender working at different punk venues for several years, thinks this behavior detracts from business and the overall vibe of the atmosphere.

“When people cover themselves head to toe in beer at home instead of waiting until they get here, our sales really take a hit,” explained Nelson. “Like, you‘re just being stingy to pre-game by drenching yourself in beer rather than forking over a few dollars to have a sip or two before someone smashes into you and everything ends up on someone else’s pants. It’s totally antithetical to why anyone buys drinks at shows in the first place, which is to slop it onto some random person as you try to get past and in turn get it spilled onto yourself.”

At press time, Hart was seen in the parking lot rubbing trash juice onto his upper lip to prepare himself for the smell of the venue bathroom.

Photo by Jana Miller.