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California Sober Now Includes Mushrooms, Ketamine

BERKELEY, Calif. — An elite panel of alternative medical professionals announced that the common identifier “California Sober” is being expanded to include both psilocybin (magic mushrooms) and ketamine (Special K, K).

“This is a great day for the California Sober community. For years we have been limited to relaxing with just weed, but now we have more options and our horizons can be infinitely expanded across dimensions,” beamed Dr. Milton Altonwhite. “We trust you will use Ketamine and Psilocybin mushrooms safely and in moderation. I think we can all agree that mushrooms are both natural and safe as long as you have a babysitter, and that Ketamine is just an incredibly important experience for us all to have. What’s a party without some K? From now on if you use either or both substances, you’re still California Sober. You’re still in the clear! We are here for you and with you!”

Among attendees at the press conference was Willow Greenwater, noted sobriety coach and impassioned advocate of the California Sober lifestyle.

“I am so, so excited especially for the K,” she remarked. “K is so much safer and more natural than alcohol. Alcohol withdrawal can kill you — plus, drink too much alcohol, and you leave a path of destruction and ruined relationships behind you. What happens when you do too much K? You end up sitting in the corner in a K-hole, staring at the wall for hours? A K-hole never hurt anybody. And mushrooms, we all know mushrooms are natural, and they are so fucking important, for both opening the mind and helping you have spiritual awakenings.”

The great stride forward is not without its skeptics, however.

“People are just calling anything sober these nowadays,” scoffed recovering addict Charles, a dedicated member of both NA and AA for the last decade. “The word doesn’t mean fuck about shit anymore. I’m a recovering meth addict. I wasn’t going around calling myself ‘flyover-state small town sober’ or some shit.”

Greenwater, on the other hand, went on to explain how she is embracing this expansion of the term because she can’t call herself a sober life coach in good faith, and not be sober herself.

“I get up in the morning, sprinkle mushrooms on my avocado toast, rail some K, and drink my coffee, just like any other self-respecting Californian. This is progress and I’ve got a business to run.”