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We Sat Down With Jack White To Be Talked To About Blues Music Because We Died In An Act Of Sin And This Is What Hell Is Like

Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote “Hell is other people.” Well, it turns out that “other person” is former White Stripes frontman Jack White specifically. We sat down with the legendary blues appropriator after choking to death on an overcooked London broil last Friday.

It has been made clear to me that had my parents raised me as an atheist, Buddhist or even Lutheran for fucks sake I would be fine, but because I was baptized in the Catholic Church and never “officially renounced my faith” my death counted as a hellworthy trespass.

The Hard Times: Thank you for taking the time for us to be forced to sit with you. You’ve become one of blues music’s most outspoken champions. Is this hell? 
Jack White: Well blues mythology is actually steeped with satanic lore. Most people know Robert Johnson’s “Crossroads,” (if only by the inferior Clapton version,) but back in the day a lot of musicians would have similar myths about themselves, it was the thing to do, you know? Sell your soul to the devil to play the gui-tar good haha. 

I’m gonna take that as a yes. 
It’s sort of like wrestling, they all liked having a sort of heel persona, and it often consumed them. Do you like wrestling? 

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but, let’s talk more about the blues. 
Solid! You got Leadbelly, Blind Willie Johnson, Mississippi John Hurt… 
Ah, yup. Those were all guys who played the blues. 
Played it? Hell, they lived it. 

So is this like, forever? Is this hell for everyone or just me?
See it’s not enough to know the notes and the scales, you need to know why they need to be played dig me? 

Yeah. I think I heard George Carlin say that once. Okay so you’re supposed to be like, an expert, but so far your knowledge of blues music is limited to stuff I already know. Does that mean this is like all in my head, or is it like part of the torture? 
You ever heard of Elvis Presley? 
Have I heard of Elvis Presley? 
The King. You know him? 
I… Yeah. Yeah I’ve heard of Elvis. 
That boy could play.

Okay. So am I in a coma? 
Good question. You know lots of blues songs are about asking questions. You got Leadbelly’s “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?” for example. 
Name one other example. 
You know he was poisoned to death by his old lady. 
I did know that. 
See the “crossroads” aren’t like literal crossroads, it’s more like an existential place where you go to make an unholy pact. A lot of people don’t know that. Are you familiar with Robert Johnson? 

Okay well thanks for sitting down with us, I think we have everything we need.
Great, yeah, whenever you’re ready to start the next interview I’m good to go. 

Right. And, there is nowhere else to go? 
And, suicide… 
Not an option. 
Right. Okay. So. Blues music.
Have you heard of Elvis Presley?