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How to Immediately Discredit Anybody With a Quick “Yikes”

It happened to me. I was at the bar with friends when the unthinkable happened: an acquaintance expressed an opinion on an issue that I disagreed with. Even worse, no one immediately punched or fired them like I was expecting. Had my experiences on Twitter deceived me? This isn’t how the world works! After taking some deep breaths and counting backward from ten, I calmly, but assertively, gave that chud a big fat “yikes.”

Every head at the bar turned and shook with disapproval. My group’s pleasant conversation screeched to a halt. My so-called “acquaintance” was frozen in their tracks, stammering to fix the situation. Most importantly, I had won. And you can too! All thanks to one incredible syllable.

That’s when I realized something. I could use “yikes” on anybody at any time and get the same result. I put my theory to the test. I went to a thrift store. I was digging through the record bin and spotted a copy of Queen’s “Jazz.” The guy next to me said “Great album! Not my favorite of theirs, but still a great find!” I hit him with my most condescending “Yikes.” As he stuttered trying to explain that he much preferred “The Game,” I quickly hit him with a “that ain’t it, chief,” and went on with my day leaving pure devastation in my wake.

It was at this time I realized the power I had at my fingertips. All you have to do to get out of any exchange is to have a little bit of a stink face, have a vaguely condescending tone, and say “yikes!” When they’re still stunned from the initial attack, hit them with a quick “oof,” or even a “wow, okay.” Even if bystanders don’t know the context, they’ll assume you have the moral high ground and the willingness to snap a pic of them and post a fabricated story online. The one small problem with this strategy is that I think I overused it because nobody will even talk to me anymore.