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Budget Cuts Reduce American History Curriculum to VHS Copy of “Young Guns II”

HOUSTON — Several severe budget cuts to Texas public schools caused one high school’s ‘American History’ curriculum to be reduced to a single weathered VHS copy of the Emilio Estevez vehicle “Young Guns II,” confirmed several students.

“Trying to teach disinterested teens is challenging under normal circumstances, but since the football team needed new uniforms for the eighth year in a row, we now have to teach these kids on our own. They provided some history books, but it’s mainly Bible history written by Texas lawmakers and these kids deserve better,” said history teacher Anne Greenwald. “I’ve been in this profession long enough and I know kids love two things: westerns and Keifer Sutherland. This videocassette of ‘Young Guns II’ that I found in my parents’ basement is probably good enough. The actual taming of the American west had fewer one-liners and much more diversity, but with the amount of money left in our budget, students should be lucky we even had money to find a working VHS player.”

Greenwald’s students initially wrote the film off as classic public school time killer until they entered the second week of dissecting the plot.

“We’re on day nine of this fucking thing and I still have no idea what’s going on. Were we supposed to watch the first one over spring break, and that explains why everyone is trying to kill the guy from ‘Mighty Ducks’? Not sure how any of this ties into the Trail of Tears or building railroads, but the only historical fact I’ve taken away from this is that Billy the Kid existed and enjoyed killing people,“ said 11th grader Elliot Bueller. “I mean it’s not all bad. Every line of dialogue is prime meme potential for TikTok. Plus I’ve been able to use all this downtime to read about the actual American West on the internet without having to take any tests.”

While some students have questioned the educational merits of the film, the curriculum has become more commonplace in American schools.

“Cutting budgets in our country’s schools is as American as apple pie. With these new challenges, teachers across the country are scouring thrift stores and yard sales in search of the most relevant history-adjacent blockbusters of yesteryear. But for every ‘Dances with Wolves’ you’re going to get a few like ‘Fievel Goes West,’” said Department of Education rep Lennon Dylan. “Let’s face it, would you rather have your taxes raised for better teacher salaries, textbooks, and field trips, or would you rather your kid watch something badass like ‘Tombstone?’”

As of press time, the Texas School Board announced that the Hispanic history curriculum would be replaced by a single Betamax copy of “La Bamba.”