CHICAGO 一 Local woman and record collector Sara Yousefi feels extremely relieved and happy that a random man has decided to gatekeep nu-metal, groaning sources reported.
“I was just minding my business and checking out some records when some random dude with chains jangling around slapped a copy of ‘Hybrid Theory’ out of my hands. He started following me around and saying I’m too ‘girly’ to actually understand the deep and soulful lyrics of nu-metal,” said Yousefi. “Honestly, thank fucking Christ! People have always told me to expand my taste in my music, but now I don’t have to be exposed to that shitty genre. This is the greatest harassment I’ve received in years, and only the second one I’ve endured today.”
The man who confronted Yousefi and countless other women has unknowingly been hailed as a hero in the local community.
“Yeah, it really fucking irks me when you have these random girls walking around the record store like they know what real music is. This one chick, she just strolled right past the M-section, like, I guess Mushroomhead doesn’t exist anymore,” spat out Aaron “Zeembo” Johnson. “If you’re gonna listen to nu-metal, you gotta commit fully. I want to see the baggy JNCOs, the infected cheek piercings, and the flame tats across the entire length of your arms. Otherwise, don’t fucking bother listening to intellectuals like Fred Durst speak the truth and stick with your Built to Spill records or whatever.”
Experts studying the relationship between music listening habits and gender have recently released a report focusing on nu-metal.
“After extensive research, hours of interview footage, and years of analysis, we can safely conclude that white dudes named Aaron and Kyle are 100% responsible for scaring women away from nu-metal,” said Dr. Emily Watanabe. “Subsequently, their gatekeeping has also limited the growth of the genre to larger audiences, which all reports indicate, is a net positive for society. Now all that’s left to do is find someone to angrily gatekeep shitty beer and then we’re really in a good spot.”
At press time, Johnson was found questioning why every local show is such a sausage fest.