Cats. They think they’re so fucking above it all, with their fur and their tails and their crepuscular-ass lifestyle. But you know what? They’re not. And to prove it, here is a list of six feline fools who seem to think they’re better than me, and aren’t by a goddamn mile.
And also four that are, because these specific cats (but not all!) are pretty amazing and I’m sort of a fuck up.
I have absolutely nothing to prove to most of these cats.
Condo Cat: This calico motherfucker thinks he’s the shit. I see him every day when I walk to work, gazing down at me from the third-story window of a condominium. Even from my vantage point, I can see the condescension on his piebald little face. If you’re so great, why don’t your people own a free-standing structure? And just because I regularly slip in the mud outside your condo and fall down while schoolchildren laugh at me, that doesn’t make you better than me.
Alan: Alan belongs to my friend Alan, and don’t the two of them think it’s hilarious they have the same name. Newsflash, Alan the cat and Alan the human: sometimes people and animals are named the same thing! It’s not unique! And if you think excluding me from your private little joke makes me feel inferior, you’re dead wrong, Alans.
Christian Dior: Okay, I will concede that Christian Dior, the bodega cat around the corner from my studio, is just objectively better than me. That little dude watches over AZ Grocery & Sandwich day and night, and good luck trying to shoplift a 100 Grand Bar without him hissing to narc you out. That’s a dedication to a job I could never match. Plus, he can break a rat’s neck in one try, and it takes me like four.
Fluffy Fluff Fluff: Ya ain’t that fluffy, motherfucker. You have a fluffy tail, at best. Your paws? No fluff. Your primordial pouch of a belly? No fluff. If the humidity is bad, I have way, way fluffier hair than that cat anyday. Game, set, match. Bitch.
Loki: For a cat named after the Norse god of mischief, my neighbor’s cat Loki is pretty damn easy to fool. I was house-sitting for a weekend, and half the time, Loki seemed surprised to see me. HELLO, Loki! You saw me ten minutes ago, making fluffernutters in the kitchen. I already told you I would be here till Monday.
Pukey: I’ll grant you, you would not think a lot of a cat named Pukey. But that little guy is a marvel. His fur is glossy as fucky, and he can fall asleep, like anywhere. It takes me a nightly melatonin and a $1200 white noise machine and I can still barely sleep a wink. I got to give the win to Pukey on this one.
The Dauphin: This cat is the true heir to the throne of France. Pretty clear he’s better than me.
Jimmy Dean: Not only is this domestic short hair not better than me, he’s not even better than a Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage Roll. Frankly those things are a great value, and better than the two of us combined.
Everlong: One of the more overrated Foo Fighters songs, and one of the more overrated cats.
Artorio: What can I say about Artorio that has not already been said? He is grace. He is style. His purrs are such things dreams are made of, and the sheer depth of personality you can see in his glorious green eyes outweighs any human I’ve ever met. I thank God every day that I have met Artorio, and gladly acknowledge him as my superior.
All hail Artorio!