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Uh Oh: I Watched Euphoria Once And Now I’m Popping Baby Aspirin Under Bisexual Lighting

When it comes to TV shows, I like to play it safe. You can usually find me rewatching the classics: Seinfeld, Friends, maybe even a little Golden Girls if I’m feeling frisky. Clearly, HBO dramas aren’t really on my radar… They’re just too intense for my liking and there’s way too many penises.

When all my friends at work wouldn’t stop talking about the new season of “Euphoria,” I felt a bit left out. Of course, this isn’t necessarily uncommon for me since I’m kind of the Ross of the friend group. But regardless, I decided to give it a try and boy, oh boy, was I not prepared.

One episode in and this show’s got me feeling… sexy? Maybe even a little rebellious. Sure, the amount of penises in the first 10 minutes give me a headache. But now I’m popping baby aspirin under bisexual lighting as I listen to Labrinth. Those tattoos I’ve always wanted but was too afraid to get? Fuck it. I just applied 17 temporary tattoos all over my body. And in just two days, I’ll have 10 pounds of glitter from Amazon that I’m gonna sprinkle all over my apartment.

Fuck my roommate, I do what I want now.

I have gone absolutely wild. Last night I bought myself a sparkling grape juice and finished half the bottle after dinner. I stayed up till nearly 11:00 just being a badass queen. I even busted out my old copy of Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill,” the uncensored one that I told my mom I would exchange at the store. Who is this person?

Finally, I’ll have something to talk about with my friends again. If only they’d stop ignoring me because I call everyone “bitch” now. Whatever. That’s just how I roll. I am ungovernable and answer to no authority (except my mom, of course). But don’t tell that bitch about my tattoos.