Record Collector Wondering if Contractor Can Do Vinyl Flooring in 180-Gram Pink Marble Splatter

Posted on by John Danek

UPPER DARBY, Pa. – Vinyl enthusiast Michelle Oliver confounded contractors when she asked if vinyl flooring came in a 180-gram pink marble splatter option, the contracting community reported.

“We all know 180-gram weighting makes such a difference in audio fidelity, so why wouldn’t I want my ‘luxury’ vinyl flooring to be at least that good?” posited Oliver, whose vinyl collecting YouTube channel helped cover her fixer-upper house’s down payment. “And while we’re at it, we might as well go the distance with my favorite record colorway—pink marble splatter. It perfectly matches my ‘Hounds of Love’ reissue. If I could make a deal with God, I’d get him to rerelease Bush’s ‘The Kick Inside’ in a metallic gold vinyl run of 250.”

General contractor Tony Sabatino was completely baffled by Oliver’s request.

“People often ask what colors vinyl flooring can come in, but this is something entirely different. I have no idea what the hell Michelle is talking about,” confessed Sabatino, who is the fourth-generation owner of Delta Construction. “She keeps asking if we have splatter patterns, two-tone marbling, and ‘picture disk’ graphics. I told her we have slate, black, and wood grain. That’s it, those are the options. 180 grams? It’s gonna be a hell of a lot heavier than that, yes-sir-ree Bob. Get real.”

Record store owners admit that they’ve seen some collectors’ addictions creep into other aspects of their lives.

“One customer who frequents my shop literally chained himself to the parking lot gate of an Ikea in protest of their discontinuing their Expedit shelves which are famed for fitting records perfectly,” said Barb Kirchner, owner of Jotted Down Records. “Turns out Ikea just renamed it to the ‘Kallax’ but still, wild move. Another addict tried to pawn his girlfriend’s insulin for a Japanese import of The Smiths’ ‘Strangeways’ album. Sure, it’s a great album and that one was in excellent condition… you know, maybe I agree with that move. It has ‘Girlfriend in a Coma’ on it.”

Oliver’s troubles continued, as she reportedly asked her befuddled mechanic if he could limit her Subaru Forester to 45rpm.

Future ‘Founder’ of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he founded the upstart platform in 2006.

“This is a victory for the little guy,” said Musk while wearing $17,000 sunglasses that he plans on throwing directly in the ocean later today. “The people will no longer be limited by ‘big tech’ and their draconian rules. When I first started Twitter back in my parent’s garage in Madison, Wisconsin, with only my knowledge of coding and a few hundred dollars, I knew I would eventually be able to force a hostile takeover that leaves hundreds of thousands of people pretending like they will delete their accounts.”

Reaction to the buyout from the public has been mixed.

“Elon is always at the cutting edge of technology. It started with PayPal, he basically invented paying online. Then he changed the game with Tesla. While everyone else was burning fossil fuels he said ‘no, I invented electricity, let’s make these cars run off of that.’ And now he’s taking a text-based platform and launching it into the next century by allowing even more types of text. Genius,” said Jeb “Jedi” Leventhal, a Silicon Valley-based tech blogger. “I can’t wait to see what he founds next. When you’re as smart as him, and dream as big as he does, you can found anything.”

At press time, Musk was rumored to be securing enough money to rewrite history and make himself a founding father of the United States.

Self-proclaimed Daria Morgendorffer More of a Tina Belcher

Posted on by Amanda Russel

Portland, Ore. — Local woman Rachel Vance claims that if she had a cartoon counterpart it would be the sarcastic, intelligent Daria Morgendorffer, despite ample evidence that she has more in common with the awkward and butt-obsessed Tina Belcher, friends and family confirmed.

“I’m totally a Daria and I’ve known it since I started watching reruns of the show on MTV2. I’m smarter than the people around me, I tell it like it is, and I’m super sarcastic and antisocial,” bragged Vance before accidentally spilling skim milk on her blouse and having a panic attack. “I suppose it’s not a perfect 1-to-1. For instance, instead of corporate jobs, my dad is a short-order burger cook and my mom drinks maybe a little too much wine. But look at my dorky glasses. Who else could I be besides Daria?”

Longtime friend Brent Thurston, however, vehemently disagrees.

“Oh, Rachel is like 95% Tina Belcher with maybe 5% Britta from ‘Community’ thrown in there. But Daria is one of the last fictional characters I would think to compare her to,” Thurston said. “She groans and mumbles under her breath to herself whenever she feels awkward, and that’s like, all time. Plus, she’s always creepin’ on someone, too, and that’s a Tina thing, not a Daria thing. Except when Trent was around, of course. I suppose she is sarcastic, but she doesn’t tell people off like Daria. Again, she’s a mumbler. And she’s really into horses.”

Sociology professor and human behavior expert Myron Fitzpatrick shared his two cents on the phenomenon of always thinking we are the most badass character in the cartoon show.

“It is incredibly common for people to see traits of themselves in admirable characters, whether those traits are actually present or not. ‘Daria’ has done quite a number on mousy Millennial and Gen X women,” explained Fitzpatrick. “But men are not immune to this phenomenon either. The male students in my class always think they’re rebellious, badass Bart Simpsons, but everyone can’t be a Bart. In fact, the wide majority of the men in these generations are dimwitted, crayon-up-the-nose Ralph Wiggums because, unfortunately, the world is full of Ralphs.”

When reached for comment, Vance wordlessly retreated to her room to work on her erotic fan fiction.

Report: Parking Costs More Than Show Ticket

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

DALLAS — Skeptical show-goers recently expressed dissatisfaction following the realization that venue parking fees are more expensive than their ticket of admission.

“I’ve been waiting to see Embrace Face for so long and I finally saved up enough money to buy tickets, so you can imagine how pissed off I was when the parking was more than double the price of that,” said an upset Miranda Richardson. “How are you going to charge me an obscene price to park my car in between two overflowing dumpsters in a gravel parking lot a mile away from the actual venue? And then, it’s cash only. What is it, like, 2005, who carries cash anymore? If I wanted to spend a million dollars on a night out I’d go see a movie.”

Local government officials finally broke their silence on the issue and addressed the astronomical parking rates.

“Unfortunately, we cannot control the prices of these parking lots owned by private venues. The city does offer a couple of crooked parking meters that might work, but really folks, your best bet would be the newly built multi-million dollar parking garage that unhoused hundreds of working-class families,” said city manager Randy Bowerman. “Don’t even ask me about enhancing our public transport system. The city provides at least two semi-reliable bus routes and train stations that will take you directly to a 30-minute walking distance from your destination up to 10:30 p.m. on the weekends, and 8:50 on weeknights. If you don’t like paying for parking, that’s always an option.”

Thanks to inflated parking fees, performing musicians have complained about the lack of crowds in several major cities across the country.

“At first I thought the low audience numbers were because we sucked and lost the battle of maintaining relevancy in modern times, but that definitely isn’t right. It’s gotta be the price of parking that’s literally driving everyone away,” said Legal Tender lead guitarist Evonne Langley. “Honestly, people just need to grow up and wake up at 6 a.m., go to a coffee shop near the venue, order a small coffee, and sit in your car for 12 hours until the show starts. You know, like responsible adults.”

The following night, many concert-goers illegally parked their cars for free due to the relatively inexpensive cost of parking tickets.

Feel Old Yet? All the Guys From Lemon Party Are Dead Now

Posted on by Max Barth

With all the deaths of celebrities we grew up watching, it can be easy to feel absolutely ancient these days. Personally, I felt this way when I learned that every single dude from Lemon Party was dead. It blew my mind. Like, when did that happen? Last I saw, those guys were spry as can be! It really makes you think.

After completing some exhaustive research, taking breaks only to send a certain link to my friends from middle school, here’s what I’ve compiled about the demise of the three early-internet icons.

Lemon Party was comprised of David Swan, Tom Nue, and Ritchie “Legs” Messina. They inspired generations of people to pursue their dreams, no matter how hard they appeared. Their groundbreaking talent, which superseded their lack of mainstream acceptance, simply had to be seen to be believed. But once you saw them, they were unforgettable.

“We never wanted to be put in a box,” said Swan, in an interview shortly before his passing last month. “Well, Legs wanted to try that. But we never got around to it.”

Apparently, Legs passed away tragically in 2005 following several strokes, which forever changed the group.

“Legs was the heart of the group. He was in the middle of it all, every time,” said Nue. “It didn’t look like it, but he was in charge. He was very dominant.”

Swan’s solo efforts went on, though he never stirred up quite the same amount of attention on his own. Not that he was bothered by it. “It was a pet project, just for my own enjoyment,” Swan said. “It wasn’t the same without the boys but I still had stuff inside that I needed to get out.”

When asked whether it was difficult to continue in the shadow of Lemon Party, Swan was typically blunt. “Yes. Of course! You tell people you were in Lemon Party, they expect a very specific thing.” He died immediately after giving this quote.

Desperate Pick Clings to Inside of Guitar in Terror

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

AUSTIN, Texas — A desperate guitar pick is currently clinging to the inside body of an acoustic guitar belonging to beginner musician Vernon Nixon, nearby sources indicated.

“I have never been so terrified in my life. From the moment that man picked me up, I knew I was in trouble,” said the pick, an orange Dunlop nylon variety. “His fingers were so sweaty, and his attempts to play the riff from ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine before he even got a grip on a damn G chord was so, so bad. I don’t want to be used for that. No pick does. I was just lucky that he dropped me in here, but I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I’m just a lightweight gauge, I wasn’t made for this.”

Nixon was unaware of the pick’s fevered, frantic attempts to hide from him.

“It is so fucking annoying when this happens,” Nixon said, peering into the guitar’s soundhole while the pick tried to muffle a scream at the sight of him. “What is there to even get caught on in there? Is there some vortex where picks disappear when you accidentally drop them right as you’re about to get that dee-dee-DEE moment right for the first time? I swear it’s like this thing is doing this on purpose.”

Luis Alvarez, a part-time guitar teacher, had sympathy for the guitar pick.

“In all my experience instructing people in the exquisite art of the guitar, I have learned one thing—guitar picks do not like what we do to them,” Alvarez said with a faraway look in his eyes. “And who can blame them? To handle them so roughly, strike them against dirty steel strings, stick them in our filthy mouths while we flip through tablature… what we do to them is torture, and one day the guitar picks will say ‘no more’ and turn on us. And on that day, we will deserve it.”

As of press time, the pick was hatching a plan to make out of the guitar, through a load of laundry, into the garbage with the lint, and perhaps, one day, to freedom.

Review: The Offspring “Ignition”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a trip to 1992 to look back on The Offspring’s second studio album “Ignition.”

As an amateur molecular biologist, my first experience with The Offspring’s work came in 2013 when I stumbled across Dexter Holland’s published research paper titled “Identification of Human MicroRNA-Like Sequences Embedded within the Protein-Encoding Genes of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus.”

You might be saying to yourself, “Wait, aren’t microRNA-like sequences embedded within protein-encoding genes, like, pretty easy to identify?” You’re damn right they are. That’s because I wrote an article that provided an incredibly easy way to pick them out of a crowd five years prior to the lead singer of The Offspring publishing this hogwash. That was MY research, Dex.

Even my paper was titled “The DEFINITIVE Guide to Identifying Human MicroRNA-Like Sequences Embedded within the Protein-Encoding Genes of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus.” I mean, the guide was clearly definitive, so there was no reason to ever try to top it. That’s literally not how science works. And so what if my article wasn’t published in some fancy scientific journal or even peer reviewed?

Clearly, certain members of The Offspring had ripped me off. I was sure of it. But two could play at that game.

That’s when I did a little research on my own about this guy and found some old album he once sang on called “Ignition.” So I did what any vengeful scientist would do and re-recorded those songs and put them out as my own. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

I formed a band called the Notspring and we put out an album called “The REAL Ignition” to show him what’s what.

From “Session” to “Kick Him When He’s Down,” these songs are brief, yet aggressive. Also, pretty solid. Not gonna lie. The Offspring’s album was certified gold, so to one-up Dexter, as he did me, I had to make sure our version did even better. Not sure what that’s called though. Super duper gold, maybe?

Anyway, “The REAL Ignition” sold exactly zero copies. Turns out it’s way harder to succeed at stealing someone’s work in the music business than it is in the science biz.

Oh well, I’ll get him next time. I heard Dexter has his own brand of hot sauce. That’ll be my next white whale.

SCORE: 5 out 5 microRNA-like sequences.

/**/

Myspace Top 8 Ranking Brought Up at Supposed Best Friend’s Funeral

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

HYANNIS, Mass. — Local man Eddie Whitman surprised mourners at the funeral of his “best friend” Andreas Pimentel by relitigating the Myspace “Top 8” order that nearly ruined their friendship in 2006, confirmed multiple sources.

“Some people would say this was the wrong time and place to bring this up, but they’re wrong. I could have spent 20 minutes up there talking about how Andreas was a great friend to everyone and how his infectious smile lit up the room, but that wouldn’t have been genuine,” said Whitman while trying to avoid most of Pimentel’s immediate family. “This was a guy that ranked me third, fucking third, in his top 8 despite being best friends since preschool. Yeah, his sister took the first slot, but then Cassie Jarret was number two? They were only dating for like two months when he made that ranking.”

Pimentel’s parents admitted they were shocked by Whitman’s “tribute.”

“We have always loved Eddie like a son, but he crossed a line today. He called our son a ‘backstabbing snake’ no less than a dozen times. I don’t even know what he was mad about. He had a poster board he kept pointing at with some faces on it, but it didn’t make sense,” said the deceased’s father Donald Pimentel. “It seemed like Eddie has really been carrying some hate in his heart for years. But that doesn’t excuse the fact he tried to tip over the casket and ran out of the church screaming about how my daughter-in-law is a tramp.”

Psychologist Armond Delsol is one of the leading researchers into the effects social media has had on the population at large.

“Millenials are the first generation to be truly damaged by social platforms. When Myspace debuted its top 8 feature it caused complete havoc. There were certain rules you were expected to follow as far as ranking siblings, friends, and romantic partners,” said Delsol. “I’ve done extensive research and found that over 90% of the people that kept Tom as their number one ranked friend are far more likely to be classified as psychopaths. And lord help the people that only used their top 8 to show off bands that they like.”

At press time, witnesses report Whitman sitting in his car listening to Blink-182’s “Adam’s Song” on repeat at full volume.

We Rank the Top 14 Joy Division Albums Because We’re From a Cooler Timeline

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

It can be hard to choose your favorite, especially when there is so much to choose from. With an artist with as huge a discography as post-punk legends Joy Division, where even to start? Fortunately for you, we are going to do the hard work and dig through their entire oeuvre to figure out which are the 14 best albums from a band that had a much longer and fulfilling career in our timeline, because ours is frankly better. Your timeline seems like a real bummer.

Transmission, begin!

Dark Matter
This 1999 album from the Manchester quartet was a return to their original, dark post-punk sound. While some critics described the singles “Exercise Four” and “Space” as repetitions of past triumphs, time has proven this album to be a much-needed return to form, heightened by the production work of producer and ultra-marathon champion Martin Hannett.

Wait, wait happened to him in your timeline? That fucking sucks.

Commercial
In our timeline of 1982, Joy Division was one of the most successful bands on Warner Bros, but feeling the pressure of up and comers like Duran Duran and the critically-acclaimed A Flock of Seagulls. Commercial was their response to these upstarts, and its bright, horn-driven sound put them in their place.

Peter Hook Presents:
You people think a bassist shouldn’t be given full creative authority over a band. You people are wrong.

The Transparent Album
Their third album of 1979, the so-called “Transparent Album” was actually called “Ian Curtis, Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook, and Stephen Morris” but we call it a fucking collection of bangers. Damn, turn on “Neurosis” one more time for the good times!

Take a Walk for Your Health, Good Traveler
The merits of Joy Division’s progressive rock phase, inspired by their longtime friendship with Peter Gabriel, can be debated, but not the overwhelming power of the Billboard number one hit “Sing a Gentle Song, Foxface, For Winter in Northern England is Not a Pretty Penny to Pay for the Piper’s Price.”

The Cure For Epilepsy
Okay, granted this album sounds like shit, but listening to it does cure epilepsy so it ranks high on our list. I would have brought you guys a copy but, you know, the continuum and all.

Thank You President Gore
Wait, what happened here? Jesus.

All Drums, No Talk
It is what it sounds like, motherfuckers! Beats on beats on beats was the sound of 1994 in our much cooler timeline, and we’ve never heard of Oasis!

Dance Like You Don’t Want To
Ian Curtis wrote the entirety of this 2005 lo-fi album after being snowbound in a cabin in the Alps for three weeks. It literally made the Pope cry in our world.

Ice Ice Ice
Ice ice ice! Do the ice ice ice! Seriously, you guys are missing out on this one.

We Regret the Nazi Stuff
This 1985 spoken-word album by Bernard Sumner highlighted his legendary lyrical craftsmanship, and permanently put a close to Nazi imagery being used by edgelords.

Joy Division
The Ibiza-inflected rhythms of their 1991 self-titled album sparked what was called the “Summer of Drugs,” and convinced Margaret Thatcher to fucking lighten up.

Wait, what did she do to The Falkland Islands? Why?

Rock Me Amadeus
Joy Division’s longtime fascination with synthpop reached its full expression with this collaborative album with international superstar Falco. 1985 was truly a year of miracles, mein herr.

Love Has Brought Us Together
The 2016 reunion album. What can be said? When the legendary four embraced at Coachella, it healed a rift that healed a world.

In our timeline, Coachella is also the United Nations. You guys suck.

FDA Reports Teenage Use of “Cigarette” To Rhyme With “Night We Met” At Record Low

Posted on by James Webster

WASHINGTON — A new report from the Food and Drug Administration confirmed that the rate of teenagers rhyming the word “cigarette” with the words “night we met” has fallen to its lowest-ever rate.

“It was a decades-long process to get here, and we’ve had to fight for it every step of the way. Teenage usage hit its peak in 2004 after Blink-182 used that rhyme in ‘Feeling This.’ Every impressionable teen in America wanted to blast a cig at the skate park and get a neck tattoo. I know, I was one of them,” said Jeremy Hill, a media spokesperson for the FDA while flashing the devil horns hand gesture and sticking his tongue out. “Thankfully, the Blink albums in the 2010s kinda sucked, and even though The Menzingers have done us absolutely no favors, we seem to have things down to a couple of indie acts here and there. It’s really encouraging.”

Parents all across America were relieved by the news.

“It’s tough to raise a kid nowadays, especially because you don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did when you were growing up,” said Alisha Levin. “I remember when I was a teenager, it was totally normal to get together with your friends and write a song about smoking cigarettes on the night you met the person you planned on going steady with. Of course, I regret it now, but we didn’t know as much back then. Thankfully, not a lot rhymes with ‘beer,’ so my little Joey can’t use that one until he gets older and his vocabulary gets better.”

Teenagers don’t seem too interested in the rhyme, as it simply doesn’t fit in with their lifestyles.

“Nobody smokes anymore, so using the word ‘cigarette’ in a song wouldn’t even occur to me,” said Tyler Shannon, the songwriter for local band Teacher’s Pet’s Pet. “People want songs that reflect their own lives, they want shit that’s relatable, that’s why we always close our shows with our song ‘Vine Compilations Saved My Life.’ For that one I actually found something to rhyme with ‘Snapchat.’ Let’s see Blink-182 do that. Oh, I just did it again!”

At press time, Shannon was seen checking Rhyme Zone to confirm that “broken heart” really does rhyme with “vape cart.”