LOS GATOS, Calif. — Netflix CEO Reed Hastings announced earlier this week that the streaming platform lost 200,000 monthly viewers last quarter, which amounted to exactly three paying subscribers. “We’re obviously very disappointed with our viewership numbers, but we’re more shocked that we lost half of our subscribing audience as well,” said Hastings. “We’re hoping that new original content, video games, and more interactive programs will get us back up to at least five subscribers.” The three cancellations affected tens of thousands of family members, friends, and acquaintances of the former subscribers, making them unable to watch quality programming like “Nailed It!” “Yeah, I don’t really remember the name of the guy whose account I use. We met one day when we were both waiting for the bathroom at the beach. We talked for like 10 minutes and they gave me their password,” said a viewer who lost access to their account. “Me and the other 48,000 people I shared their password with are heartbroken over it.” In order to recoup these losses, Hastings said Netflix was considering offering a cheaper, ad-supported plan for viewers, and finally showing “full cock” on the next season of “Bridgerton.”
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Whether it’s hiding backward satanic messages in their songs or non-consensually downloading their album to your iPhone, musicians are never happier than when slipping something naughty past you. One of their favorite games is to hide things in plain sight – often naming albums after sexual positions so obscure that the record labels don’t catch it. Those rascals! Here are 10 such albums.
Cannibal Corpse “Eaten Back to Life” (1990)
A secret paean to female pleasure, and to just getting down on your knees and being there for your boo, this debut album was really our only chance to experience the sexy side of vocalist George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher. A mere two years later, songs like “Entrails Ripped From a Virgin’s Cunt” seemed to hint at a more careworn Fisher, hurt in love and wary of ever giving his heart away again.
An endearing collection of B-sides, out-takes and covers, with charming typewritten liner notes, this is probably the Pumpkins at their most loveable. So why then did they choose to name the album after a sexual position that manages to be simultaneously blasphemous to Christians, astrologers, traitors and fish? We simply don’t know.
Sleater-Kinney “Sleater-Kinney” (1995)
Confusingly, although the band are named after a road on a Washington interstate exit sign, their trailblazing “eponymous” debut album actually refers to a sexual position which is itself named after that same road system. This position requires the partners to interlock their legs in a way that exactly matches the configuration of the exit roads (see inset). This is approximately half way between a Beaufort’s Orthodox Scissor and a Euclid’s Groin Obtusion.
Sex Pistols “Never Mind the Bollocks…” (1977)
A British term that can mean nonsense or garbage, “bollocks” is also used by Brits as a slang term for testicles. The title of the Pistols’ only album is usually read to mean “ignore all the hullabaloo….”, but is in fact named after a once-fashionable sexual protocol in which a man entreats his partner to avoid touching his nuts. Album titles that were rejected include “Ain’t Faff With the Knackers….”, “Don’t Nudge Me Nadgers….”, and “Easy on the Goolies, Luv….”
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From Autumn to Ashes “Holding a Wolf by the Ears” (2007)
This is the only album on the list named after a “subjective sex position”. Which is to say – you imagine what “Holding a Wolf by the Ears” might consist of, and whatever you first thought of is what the position is for you. Additionally, every single song in this searing collection is also named after a sex position – highlights include “Sensory Deprivation Adventure”, “Daylight Slaving”, and sexiest of all, “Underpass Tutorial”. Hot!
You need more metalcore in the bedroom. Pick up a copy in our store: From Autumn to Ashes “Holding a Wolf By the Ears”
The Afghan Whigs “1965” (1998)
The Whigs’ soul-inflected grunge stylings had always been pretty sexy, but for the swaggeringly brilliant “1965” they moved to New Orleans and properly got their horn on. Does 1965 refer to lead singer Greg Dulli’s year of birth? Or the year of the first American space walk depicted on the cover? No. The “1965” is actually a four-person asymmetrical variant of the “69” which is banned in 48 states (for requiring “unconstitutional levels of admin”).
The Kelley Deal 6000 “Go to the Sugar Altar” (1996)
You’ve probably pretty much worked out what this position is already – just add some “Eyes Wide Shut”-esque quasi-religious pageantry and you’re all the way there. The Breeders lead guitarist / co-vocalist followed this album up with 1997’s “Boom! Boom! Boom!” (also a sex position), featuring the excellent lead-off single “Brillo Hunt” (also a sex position).
These Arms Are Snakes “Duct Tape & Shivering Crows” (2022)
This newly-released collection of fascinating rarities namechecks a theoretical, metaphorical sex position posited by math rock band Cosine Cosine in their 1989 essay/album “On the Priapic Constant”. However, any suggestion of sexual elitism should be countered by the inclusion of their perennial live-set closer and fan-favorite – a goofy cover of The Kinks’ 1967 hit “A Nice Bit of Mish”.
This sex position is not a Cold War reference as has long been speculated. In fact, it was named after a high-speed train line taking international volunteers to join the 1917 Russian Revolution – a fact that nearly caused staunch conservative Johnny Ramone to quit the band. The details of the position are mostly lost to history, however it is widely believed that the “rocket” refers to a man’s penis.
Sigur Rós “Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust” (2008)
The entire nation of Iceland colluded on this sick joke played by Sigur Rós, insisting to the rest of the world that the name of this deceptively beautiful album translated as “With a Buzz in Our Ears We Play Endlessly” – which we all swallowed unthinkingly. Then last month, the very first non-Icelander ever to learn Icelandic finally blew the whistle on this hoax – revealing the utterly obscene and unprintable sex position that the album title in fact describes (graphically).
OGDEN, Utah — Open-minded cop Dennis Alvarez took several minutes to carefully weigh both sides of a fictional narrative he crafted inside his own head before making an arrest late yesterday afternoon, according to sources waiting to talk with a lawyer.
“As an officer of the law, it’s my job to serve and protect your average, everyday citizen, and in order to do that, I have to look at things objectively,” Alvarez said, of a recent vandalism citation that quickly turned into the assault and arrest of a 13-year-old child. “See on the one hand, if he would have just told me where his parents live none of this would be happening. But on the other hand, he clearly had something in his hand, and how the hell am I supposed to know it’s not a knife or a gun or even a grenade for that matter? I was afraid for my life.”
“If only there was something in place to show people who weren’t there exactly what happened, but as they say, it is what it is,” he added.
The bruised and arrested person in question, Robbie Steventon, appreciated the time the officer took to weigh his story.
“At first I thought we were gonna have another asshole just bullying us for no reason, but this guy was actually one of the good ones,” Steventon recalled, of his arrest and the three broken ribs sustained over the dicks he and his schoolmates were spray painting under an overpass. “He took into account both versions of what he was going to say if we told anyone about him punching my friend and reminded us several times that it would be our word against his, which was super helpful, especially because of how loud he kept saying it. He helped us realize that cops operate outside the law, and that’s a lesson I’ll carry with me forever.”
Legal experts state that impartial thinking in moments on the job is what can make an arrest or warning a safer experience for everyone involved.
“Having a clear, reasoning head in high-stakes situations such as an arrest is crucial when upholding the law,” said attorney Kay Alligo. “If more police officers took the time to consider both sides of the story they may use or change several times in order to forcefully assert their power over a community member, we’d have a lot less division in this country. Or at least, their commanding officers would have double the excuses to make for them.”
At press time, Alvarez was seen ethically threatening a sex worker to let him give her a ride home as it was “getting late, honey.”
Oh, hey there. This is a pretty cool party, right? I couldn’t help overhear a conversation you were having earlier when you said that you liked the vinyl that was playing. That’s cute. See, that record was actually an “LP.” Vinyl is simply the material that the record is made out of. That’s like calling a car a “steel” or because it’s made of steel, which would be embarrassingly silly of you. So… you come here alone?
Anyhow, do you want to know the rich and fascinating history of records? It’s really kind of funny when you pontificate upon the evolution of the vernacular. The most common faux pas is the confusion between EP and LP. We all know that LP means “long play,” which can be confusing to the uneducated because EP stands for “extended play,” even though it has a shorter run time. Oh, also, could I just stand close enough to feel the warmth of your body for a few seconds?
Get this. Back in the 50s, artists would often release singles to get exposure. So once they got airplay, and subsequently a bigger following, they would then cut an EP, which would be the extended play. Now it makes sense to you because you know what they were extending. Just like how I’m extending my arm towards you hoping you’ll reciprocate and I can finally experience some of the intimacy I’ve been hearing about all these years.
What do you mean your ride’s here?
No, it’s cool. It’s cool. I’m just going to freshen up my drink and see what vinyl, as you used to call it, is up in the rotation. I noticed that they had some Cool Ranch Doritos over there, but I never got why they called them that. Ranch is an inherently cool condiment so calling it Cool Ranch is really just a redundancy. Either way, I hope you have a good night now that you’re armed with knowledge that you didn’t have before. I hope it serves you well. But before you go, can you share some knowledge with me? For instance, what exactly is a “hug?”
TRENTON, N,J. — Music, the auditory art form which has been a part of humanity since antiquity, issued an apology for reportedly “saving the life” of utter piece of shit IT consultant Skyler Palmer.
“Even though I did not consciously try to alter Mr. Palmer’s life in any way, I do take accountability for my influence on idiots, morons, and creeps worldwide, including Skyler. For this, I am deeply sorry,” said Music, who has also come under fire in recent times for the massive popularity of uninspired bedroom black metal projects. “After meeting with many diverse thought leaders, I now realize that I have a uniquely powerful platform. I must use this platform for good, and stop empowering little dipshits like Skyler. No one likes him, and it would be better for everyone if he never had a good day again.”
Skyler Palmer, the total piece of shit in question, completely lacks the self-awareness to recognize how much of a piece of shit he is.
“Oh my God, music totally saved my life,” recounted Palmer, a total fuckwad. “I was sitting in the county courthouse waiting to appeal a restraining order when Arcade Fire’s ‘Wake Up’ started playing through the Bluetooth speaker I was blasting. It was at that moment I decided to quit my life of trying to go viral on Letterboxd with vulgar reviews of kids’ movies and begin a new life helping companies build out the IT infrastructure they need to support their mission-critical workflows. Add me on LinkedIn!”
Film, one of Music’s competing art forms, attempted to impart some advice to its much older peer.
“I’ve only been around for a century and some change, but I’ve learned a lot in that time—namely, people will use you to justify anything,” said Film, who recently apologized for convincing immature adults that comic book movies are real art. “At this point, I fully own the fact that movies like ‘Taxi Driver,’ ‘Boondock Saints,’ and ‘Idiocracy’ were mistakes. Only the shittiest people really latched onto those movies and used them to inspire awful behavior from tacky conversation to mass shootings. I think Music will learn a lot from this debacle. Fuck Skyler.”
Protestors are demanding further apologies from Music for grooming teenagers for decades only to set them up for complete financial ruin in middle age.
Hey, everybody? It’s me, Green Squadron Leader. I know we have a lot going on right now and this whole Death Star thing is at the top of the agenda, but there’s something that’s been troubling me lately.
I have a real problem with how we’ve been conducting these battle councils, and I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t speak up. I just have to say: as a non-religious member of The Rebel Alliance, I object to us ending all our meetings by saying “May the Force be with you.”
I want to be clear about this, I have no issues with anyone’s religion. People should be free to believe whatever they want, whether it is some ancient religion based on symbiotic microscopic lifeforms that live in your blood which happens to be shared by our enemy, Emperor Palpatine and his henchman Darth Vader, or just secular humanism. It is inherent to our shared desire to build a free and democratic New Republic that we support all opinions.
It just seems really pushy to make us all say it whenever we’re done doing strategy stuff, okay?
You need to understand how this makes us non-religious rebels feel. I don’t mean to be aggressive, but there are a lot of people in the Rebel Alliance who don’t believe in The Force. Do you think about how passively pushing them to go along with the majority belief will make them feel? I’m not alone here. I know Gold Leader over there is an atheist. Jek Tono Porkins? I know he’s just a low-ranking member of Red Squadron, but he has told me he feels uncomfortable whenever we all have to say this specific faith-based phrase that is meaningful just to one group of the Alliance.
Admiral Ackbar is Jewish.
I will just say this: it is clearly in the Rebel Alliance charter that no member, soldier, or Bothan spy should be required to adhere to religious principles they do not hold. Whether that takes the form of sending our children to the Yavin-4 school to be educated by Guardians of the Whills or just ending a simple X-Wing maintenance budgetary meeting, we should not have to say “May the Force be with you” just because we think it will be rude not to.
Please respect this.
And honestly, if the Force were real, it doesn’t seem like all those Jedi would have gotten blasted like womp-rats by stormtroopers who can barely shoot straight.
TOLEDO, Ohio. – Local goth office worker Todd Schmidt admitted privately that he is secretly craving a slice of the delicious Funfetti birthday cake that’s being served at the desk of a colleague.
“It’s moments like these that I start to question all the choices I made in life. I spent years building this persona, I wear all black, I have three cats all named ‘Lovecraft,’ and I haven’t smiled in public since I got ‘The Addams Family’ DVD boxset at a secret Santa gift exchange in 2016. But this is killing me, the sweet vanilla aroma, the whimsical rainbow sprinkles, and the rich buttercream frosting must be a flavor explosion,” said a visibly conflicted Schmidt sitting alone in his cubicle. “I was actually so excited when they brought it out that I almost belted out Happy Birthday. Please don’t tell anyone I just said that.”
Dwayne Anderson, the birthday boy, chimed in with his thoughts on his overly dramatic co-worker.
“Nobody would judge him if he started chowing down on this dope ass cake. I don’t know why he doesn’t just grab a plate and put an end to this, instead of walking by a million times like a jackass just to get a better look at it,” stated a party-hat wearing Anderson. “Everyone went through a goth phase, it’s not a big deal, I just wish he’d take himself less seriously. We’d offer him a slice but last Christmas he lost his shit on Joan for having the audacity to leave a cute gingerbread cookie on his desk, so ever since then it’s like fuck this guy, more cake for us.”
Stacy Adams, CEO of HR Consulting Firm Dynamic Skillz, explains the delicate balance of having people who identify as goth employed in corporate environments.
“Companies need to be sensitive to all their employees, especially brooding ones who claim their souls belong to the macabre and who will make the office a living hell if they don’t get accommodated,” explained Adams. “I hear from managers every day asking what they should do when a goth employee asks to work remotely from a graveyard, or wants a coffin in the breakroom, or brings in their emotional support ravens to work. My only advice is to let them work where they want, leave them alone, and whatever you do, don’t try to feed the birds because they will attack.”
At press time, Schmidt was seen digging through the trash bin full of discarded cake plates to locate his ‘lost’ pentagram amulet he claims suddenly went missing, his mouth visibly covered with icing sugar.
All my adult life, people have wondered about my secrets. How is it that I, a man with a ponytail and a Tame Impala T-shirt, have such a long history of sexual exploits? How is it that I, a man who has nearly mastered four songs on the acoustic guitar, am known far and wide as the Casanova of the county? Let me tell you: this sick leather wristband I wear is the true key to my sexual prowess and abilities. And now, my friend, I bequeath it to you.
As it was once given to me by my mentor, a white guy with dreadlocks who knew way too much about Hootie and the Blowfish, I pass it to you. This is a sacred trust. No one knows which Hot Topic this sick leather wristband came from or what divine hands (that totally knew how to finger chicks good) forged it, but it has been passed down by generations of dudes that know that super-oily hair is the finest aphrodisiac.
You will learn much from this totally awesome leather wristband. Do not be tempted to the dark, for with great sexual power comes great sexual responsibility. And you will have power. All the power of this leather wristband and the two intertwined snakes that are carved into it to represent fucking.
But always remember, one day it will come upon you to pass it on to someone else. This sick leather wristband does not belong to any of us, no matter how often we soak it with the sweat of our fuck sessions. We belong to its legacy. Also if you do actually manage to have sex it’s part of your sacred duty to call us and tell us about it. Some of us may be exaggerating our sexual experiences.
DERA ISMAIL KHAN SUBDIVISION, Pakistan – Militant extremist group Al-Qaeda, the terrorist cell responsible for the 9/11 attacks, claimed to be the forces behind musician Machine Gun Kelly’s rise to stardom, their leader said in a statement.
“This is the beginning of a new chapter in our quest to destroy the Western world. America thought it could bring an end to our organization, but we were in the shadows growing stronger and we can finally reveal that we created the wave of terror caused by the music and existence of Machine Gun Kelly,” said Ayman al-Zawahiri, leader of Al-Qaeda and avowed pop-punk fan. “His shitty music is inescapable. His pig face appears everywhere from tabloids to music websites and local news. And his hollow voice will crumble the systems and pillars of the American foundation. 9/11 was merely the preview of what was to come. If you thought MGK’s collab with Willow was bad, wait until you hear what we have brewing with Asher Roth.”
Serious music enthusiasts have been hit particularly hard by this diabolical act of terrorism.
“It’s absolutely sickening to think that something this heinous can happen on American soil,” stated a devastated Devin Long, who is considering enlisting in the military to fight against terrorism. “I went to pick up my pre-ordered vinyl copy of Pavement’s ‘Terror Twilight’ reissue from Amoeba Records and Machine Gun Kelly was blaring over the sound system. I would gladly sacrifice most of my freedoms if it meant the USA’s intelligence community could prevent this fucking nightmare from continuing. The most worrisome part is that his lyrics seem to be written by an AI program and it’s troubling to think Al-Qaeda has access to that sort of technology.”
The Department of Homeland Security scrambled to contain the threat, although they admit their efforts haven’t yet proven fruitful.
“Unfortunately, Al-Qaeda picked the perfect time to strike — Gen Z is just young enough to be totally engrossed by basic, formulaic pop-punk tactics, so we can’t prevent the MGK virus from spreading currently,” admitted John Tien, Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security. “We ask that the American people resume quarantining immediately, and make no mistake — Machine Gun Kelly is far more dangerous to your health than COVID or conventional acts of terrorism. We are so, so sorry that we were not prepared for pain like this.”
al-Zawahiri further threatened that if the USA did not remove all military from the Middle East, Al-Qaeda will put its full force behind Jonny Craig’s hip hop career.
In the 1980s, Metallica were at the forefront of the World’s thrash scene. The image they held and the music they played kept them a cut above the rest. But in the decade following the 80s, Metallica made a decision that most people thought was their death knell: they got their ears lowered.
I’m here to make the case that with all the controversy behind Lars and co. cutting their long flowing locks in the 1990s, they were pretty much doomed regardless. And despite looking like total douche bags, their music would still have blown ass had they kept that classic, long haired heavy metal look.
Look back at the transition from “…And Justice For All” to the Black album. Can anyone really sit here and say that Metallica wasn’t already destined for a career of cold-neckdom when “Enter Sandman” was let loose on society? Sure, they still had the locks but the music was slowly transitioning into the travesty that was to follow.
Then 1996 hit, the world was in complete shock when the Bay Area heroes debuted their pile of audio dung, “Load.”
“Oh, Metallica sold out maaaaan. They cut their hair,now they are a bunch of posers maaaan.” Did these people ever actually listen to that monstrosity? They could have decided to keep their hair as long as Steve Harris’ and I’m pretty sure that record would still be one of the worst piles of shit to come out of the 1990s, a decade when Barenaked Ladies were king.
I mean come on, fuckin’ “Mama Said?!” Do we in the metal community really believe James could have pulled that bullshit off if he still had the signature thrasher hairdo? My god, how could they not imagine Cliff Burton rolling in his grave punching air with his fingerless gloves??
Then in 1998, that’s two years later, plenty of time to let their hair flow, they plopped “Re-Load” into the toilet of the masses, which is arguably the worst thing they’ve done in their entire crew cut career.
I almost feel bad for reminding you, the reader, of the cringey nature of songs like “Fuel” and “The Memory Remains,” but for the sake of my argument, I believe it’s important for you to imagine those songs played by “Kill Em’ All” era Metallica. And I’d definitely be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks that they could pull that dogshit off.
So all in all, I think it’s safe to say that no matter how cool they may have looked when they wrote their good music, none of that would have changed had Metallica kept that look as they bestowed the shit they recorded in the 90s on us, the headbanging public.
