Report: Park Full of Assholes Already

Posted on by Amanda Russel

BOULDER, Colo. — A recent report conducted by a string of irritated citizens shows that the nation’s parks are already filled with assholes, dumbasses, and fuckheads following the warming of Spring weather, according to repulsed sources.

“This happens every year when the weather gets nice again,” explained Lenny Scarborough, trying to make the most of his quickly dwindling cigarette. “It gets warm, and bam, here come the whimsical fuckin’ park people. Everyone is blowing bubbles. The jugglers are practicing juggling their bowling pins and their swords or whatever again. Then there are the crowds of horrible teenagers, and the tightrope walkers taking up all the good trees with the best shade with their practicing. I’m not hanging out with any goddamn tightrope walkers, I’d rather be sunburned alive.”

Local park-goer and barefoot hula hooper Faun Winter reported similar findings over the various shitheads currently ruining the park.

“The park is for everyone, but these punks are grinding my gears,” Winter proclaimed. “I told one her aura was brown and she offered me a bowl of free lentils. And there’s this band who practices in the park who I can’t stand either, the brass section is huge and the sound is deafening. The families with kids I don’t mind, unless their kids come up and try to hoop with me. My hoop is custom made from precious materials to fit my body, and it’s not for children.”

Representatives from the city’s Parks and Recreation department is warning anyone who wishes to not share space with these stupid motherfuckers to stay home until temperatures become unbearably hot.

“Every year it’s a back and forth of park turf wars,” said a Parks and Recreation Department representative, who wished to remain anonymous. “The circus people hate the punks. The teenagers hate the circus people. The families with kids want everything to be family-friendly. The punks hate everyone. And don’t even get me started on the dogs and whatever other fucking animals people keep for pets nowadays. It’s an ongoing joke at this point. Just stay the fuck home. I hate my job.”

Here’s How To Tell If He’s Shredding, Gleaming, Thrashing, Or Totally Beefin It

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

Alright, dudes and dudettes. So you met a beefcake and you been going together for a while. Well, what’s next? How do you know if the dude is secretly harshing your romantic narrative? Listen up, raymundos. We have put together the definitive guide on whether or not that dude is shredding, gleaming, thrashing, or TOTALLY beefin’ it.

The dude is shredding
People can shred many things, from lettuce, guitars, and paper to sled, gnar, and the famously ambiguous ‘it’. If he’s wreaking of the ol’ shifty shell-shock, he is absolutely not shredding. I can’t stress this enough. Alternatively, if you’ve noticed this dude holding at least one electric guitar and catching air on the halfpipe, cheeyeah. The dude is shreddin.

Your boy is straight gleaming
Some claim there is no formal bio-metric for gleaming. Well, guess what? Those bogus barf-bag boneheads can suck it, bra. You can gleam just about any three-dimensional solid object, all you have to do is believe and hold on to your vision just like in that Gary Wright song “Hold on to Your Vision.” When this dude isn’t out skating he’s probably throwing the wildest PG-rated pool parties you’ve ever seen.

Hell yeah, he’s thrashin!
Is he hot, reckless, and totally insane? That dude is thrashin. This dude may only be a Ramp Local now but he will soon caveman drop off the hood of some square’s LeBaron straight into your heart. You’ll be hanging on a dirty mattress in The Dagger’s clubhouse in no time.

YOUR DUDE IS TOTALLY BEEFIN’ IT
Gag me with a spoon why don’t you. This L7 weenie couldn’t gleam out of a two-dimensional gelatin. A true loser who will be sack tapping rails for years to come. Plus, I bet his dad wouldn’t even pick us up at the mall even if we called him collect and said our name but then hung up before he had to accept the charges.

Metalhead Uses Only Phone Call From Jail to Tell Random Person How Much He Thinks Ghost Sucks

Posted on by Chris Bowen

DETROIT – Metalhead Drew Fronski used his one and only phone call from the county jail to get one last unprovoked jab in at the band Ghost after an altercation with an Arby’s cashier, sources close to the man confirmed.

“Yeah, most people would have called their lawyer or whatever, but I’m not going to waste money talking to a lawyer about how much I hate Ghost,” said Fronski over the sounds of jangling chains wrapped around his hands and feet. “I’m not exactly sure how often I can get phone privileges in this dump so I needed to make my call count. Right now I have no way to comment ‘Ghost blows’ on Facebook and it’s driving me insane. When it came time to call someone I just closed my eyes, dialed at random, and began to rant at the person on the other end of the line about how much I hate those wannabe-metal posers.”

73-year-old Eileen Stewart, the recipient of the disgruntled call, admitted she was happy to talk to someone ever since her kids stopped calling.

“At first I assumed the call was from my grandson Jeff. But it turned out to be a man I’d never met and he barely let me get a word in,” Stewart explained. “Most of the time I had no idea who or what he was gabbing about, I think he was being haunted by someone dressed as the Pope or he just read that new ‘Casper the Friendly Ghost’ comic, which you can still get for a nickel down at the druggist by the way. But regardless of his abrasiveness and foul mouth, it was actually pleasant to hear someone’s voice.”

Warden of the Nedrow County Jail, Officer Randy Elliot, took time away from snoozing at his desk to weigh in on the goings-on.

“This City is full of hair bags like this guy. And every time I see them come through, it’s like clockwork,” said Elliot while randomly shredding papers from his desk. “They all just have some undying urge to let someone know what bands they hate. I suppose they’re too afraid to just say it to another inmate in here, out of fear of getting their asses royally beaten. I actually remember one guy was tossed in here for stealing a sewing machine, and he used his only phone call to remind his own mother Bon Jovi is poser pop-metal! Interesting characters indeed.”

At press time, Fronski was heard making a remark about how he needed just one more call to let someone know how much he only likes Metallica’s first demo.

BREAKING: Thing Would Make Great Bong

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

VALRICO, Fla. — According to reports coming out of the Shamrock Shopping Center Goodwill store, local marijuana enthusiast Travis Cross has reportedly found another thing that would make a great bong, curious shoppers report.

“With a little bit of Gorilla Glue, a dremel tool with a glass cutting attachment, some PVC piping, and that hooka I broke a few months ago, this thing would make a pretty killer bong,” Cross told his shopping companion while waving around a Precious Moments snow globe. “Plus it’s only five bucks, and today is yellow sticker day so it’s half off. One man’s trash is another man’s chillum. I better buy this before someone else snatches it up.”

Cross’ roommate and friend, Janice Ray, is starting to grow tired of his growing collection of possible smoking implements.

“Our living room is starting to look like The Old Yankee Workshop if Norm Abram was a stoner. Every day he brings home a doohickey he found in the trash, or a gismo he bartered for at a swap meet,” Ray said while throwing out a basketball trophy from 1987 Cross brought home last week. “He always says he’s going to turn it into a vaporizer or a steamroller but he ends up just getting high out of the bong he bought in high school and never gets around to anything. He has these lofty ambitions that he’s going to sell these things on Etsy or some shit. No one on Etsy wants to inhale burnt duct tape and hot-glue fumes, and if they need a bong that barely works that bad I’m sure they have an old toilet paper tube lying around.”

Marijuana sociologist Dr. Olga Jennings explained that there is nothing new in what Cross is doing.

“This kind of behavior dates as far back as history itself. Many experts believe that Adam and Eve actually used the apple from the Tree of Knowledge as a makeshift pipe, and that is what inspired God’s wrath,” Dr. Jennings explained while taking a toke out of a human skull. “If it can hold liquid and air can be passed through it, you can bet that someone will try to convert it into a bong. Some theorize that after they were used as tombs, people even tried to smoke out of the Great Pyramids of Egypt but no one was able to reach the carb.”

As of press time, Cross was in the checkout line of his local co-op holding a zucchini, bamboo wind chimes, and a beeswax candle.

Manager Questions Validity of Four Different Employees Claiming Their Pets Were Sprayed By Skunks on the Same Day

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SENECA FALLS, N.Y. — Local grocery store shift manager, Jane Nerrow, is suspicious as to why several of her employees claimed the odd smell they were giving off that day was caused by their pets being sprayed by skunks, sources confirmed.

“I mean, what are the odds? One of them says he had his dog at the vet’s, and some punk’s pet sprayed his dog right in the face,” Nerrow said. “Another claims they were taking care of their pet goldfish, then the second she took her eye off him, bam! Skunk came out of nowhere and got ’em. It’s truly scary times we’re living in. I have my doubts as to how they all had the same problem the same day, but it still makes more sense than the time a cashier came back from lunch break smelling like yeast because he was baking some bread. Everyone knows that takes at least three hours, and he only gets 30 minutes.”

Animal Control Officer, Gus Wilson, used his expertise to weigh in on the aromatic events of the day.

“Sure, around here, the skunks have been quite an issue in the past. Anymore, the actual calls regarding the rodents have been at an all-time low. The odd thing is, however, the stench of skunk has frequently been reported in certain areas, and especially around late April,” he explained. “Smells of skunk at park benches in the broad daylight, and especially in fast food restaurant parking lots have been increasingly high. We’re working on a tip we’ve received regarding the number of candy wrappers found at these scenes, must be our critter has a bit of a sweet tooth.”

An inspector at the bottling plant and alleged victim of the skunking, Gary Micolychek, made a statement in regard to being a victim of

“Dude, it was insane. I let my cat, Dio, in, and my entire apartment just became totally enveloped in that smell. That guy really must have emptied the tank on my poor kitty, and right before I had to go to work too,” Micolychek exclaimed. “It extra sucks too because now the brownies I baked for lunch smell like skunk too.”

At press time, Narrow had already received multiple requests for the day off on May 5th, 6th, and in one instance, 7th.

How To Weaponize Your Newly Diagnosed ADHD To Never Do The Dishes Again

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Thank god — you have recently been diagnosed with ADHD, which makes so much sense considering what a train wreck you are. This is useful for a variety of reasons, like getting work done and functioning well, but also, you can totally weaponize this to not do your share of the chores.

It’s easy if you follow these simple steps:

1. Be sure to let everyone know you have been diagnosed with ADHD
You should do both an Instagram story and a grid post with a several-hundred-word caption detailing your journey. We also suggest making sure to tell all of your family, close friends, and roommates in person individually like you’re coming out or something.

2. Mention your neurodivergent status as often as possible
Try to do a little sprinkling of ADHD talk throughout your daily life. For example, when your roommate has to pay for your coffee because you forgot your debit card (again), brush it off with something like “oh, you know how it is—just one of those neurodivergent things!”

3. Clearly state to your roommate that you haven’t forgotten to do the dishes
When Lydia starts to mention that it’s your turn to do the dishes, be clear with her that you didn’t forget. This is a symptom of ADHD, so like, it’s not that you’re blowing her off; it’s that you literally can’t help not doing them.

4. Get defensive when they mention that they’ve been piling up for weeks
Ok, now she’s being kind of a huge bitch in suggesting that this is the fifth time she’s asked you to do them. And like, so what if it is? Is she seriously going to accuse you of mal-intent when you obviously have a legitimate mental disorder that makes it impossible for you to be a decent person to live with???

5. Accuse them of ableism
You know what? She’s being ableist as hell right now. Tell this to her face and be sure to raise your voice even though she is trying her best to diffuse the situation and keeps apologizing and crying and stuff.

6. Make a callout post about your toxic housing situation
Now that your Instagram page is titled “neuroatypicalqueerthings” has blown up, it’s time to utilize the power of a massive anonymous mob. Be sure to tag Lydia and drop her parent’s home address in the comments after asking people to “not harass her you guys, I’m just asking for accountability.”

7. Post a GoFundMe for moving expenses
It has become clear that you need to get out of this apartment STAT. It’s time to post a GoFundMe for your moving fees to the most gentrified part of Portland.

8. Move; repeat steps 1-7…
…until all potential roommates are terrified of you, and you will never have to do housework of any kind again!

Funyuns and Shasta Left Out For Weed Guy

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

BOULDER, Colo. — Potheads across the country are leaving out Funyuns and Shasta for the weed delivery guy as he brings marijuana to all the stoners who have been good this past year, sources report.

“I really hope he drops by tonight and gets me that Watermelon Kush I asked for. I’ve been pretty good this year, so I’m optimistic,” reported one local stoner. “He’s probably got a ton of houses to stop by which is probably why he’s not calling me back, so I figure he’s going to be hungry. The store didn’t have Faygo, but this is just as good. They say he won’t come by until you’ve nodded off on the couch, but I’m so excited for tomorrow, I don’t know how I’m going to get any sleep.”

“I’m just worried that if he thinks I’ve been bad he’ll leave Delta 8,” he added.

Experts state that this is one of many traditions associated with the myth of the Weed Guy that cannabis enthusiasts partake of.

“While Funyuns and Shasta are a popular snack to leave out for the weed guy, the food of choice can vary by region,” noted Scott Beall of Benzinga. “In Maryland, stoners typically leave out Utz Crab Chips and a 40 of Natty Boh, while in California it might be Green Juice and Paleo Puffs. My household’s tradition has typically been Pizza Rolls and Gatorade. When you’re going around the world in one night, you’ll need that protein and the electrolytes for energy. Soda will just make him sluggish and keep swearing he’ll be there in ten minutes.”

When asked for his thoughts on it, the Weed Guy appreciated the gesture but said it wasn’t necessary.

“I don’t eat processed food or refined sugar, so I tend not to eat the stuff people leave out,” he stated. “I’ve got a shit ton of houses to get to and my bike is constantly fucking up so I don’t get high while I’m working, so I’m not really all that hungry anyway. I might take a sip or a couple nibbles as a thank you just so people’s feelings aren’t hurt.”

At press time, most snacks had been consumed by the people who put them there as they realized they should have left them out yesterday.

Photo by Jana Miller.

World Wide Grit Shortage Expected to Halt Hollywood Reboots

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Producers and directors tasked with creating a new batch of reboots were left scrambling to find new ways to express tone in their movies as global grit levels hit record lows, confirmed cocaine-addled sources.

“My new take on Spiderman was going to be amazing. It would feature a more ‘battered by life, balls in the vice-grip’ Peter Parker. We are talking about a guy lost in the bottom of a vodka bottle who had lost everything and was fighting his inner demons as much as he was fighting villains,” said director Jon Watts. “But then we got hit with the grit shortage, and poof…the movie now has him paired with an animated martian played by Kevin Hart looking for a magical amulet that unlocks the secrets of the U.S. Constitution. When the first Batman film came out we had a grit surplus. By the time we got to Robert Pattison’s Batman we were literally scraping it out of the bottom of the barrel.”

Devin Sanders, President of The Organization Of Grit Resources and Exports(OGRE) warns that this problem is only just beginning.

“We had been telling Hollywood for years. But they never wanted to listen. Nothing was going to get in the way of giving the Joker face tattoos. Most people don’t even realize we’ve been reliant on Russian Grit since the late ‘90s,” said Sanders. “I mean there’s no resource you can just go to time and time again. When we will learn this as a species. There’s a gritty reboot of the damn Archie Comic for christ’s sake. What did they think was going to happen? It seems we flew too close to the sun on wings of grit. ”

While many have been left to wonder what the future may hold, cinema historians believe the movie industry will adjust.

“You think this grit thing is bad, you should have seen the ‘Moxie’ shortage of 1946. See, most of America’s moxie got shipped to the South Pacific to help our boys fighting Tojo. Sure, it was great for the troops, but it really put a damper on the movie biz,” said President of Movie Archives, Spencer Hudson. They tried to make up for the lack of moxie with some imported Canadian pizazz, but it just wasn’t the same. The shortage pretty much killed the noir genre, and gave rise to musicals.”

At press time, the FBI has noted a staggering increase in “imitation grit” being sold on the dark web and warned the film industry to avoid it, as it is primarily baby powder, pep, and fentanyl.

Body-Inclusive Clothing Line Features Models with Blown-Out Lobes

Posted on by Courtney Paige Barnett

LOS ANGELES – Rising Millennial and Gen Z clothing brand Figure Four is dedicated to featuring models of all sizes, skin tones, and even some with blown-out ear lobes that are so damaged even the best plastic surgeons in the country would have trouble fixing them.

“As an inclusive brand, it’s important that we feature all bodies, even ones whose flaws are the person’s own fault because they thought it would look cool in 2009,” said Figure Four CEO Rafa Salazar. “We want our clothes to show that everyone is beautiful, even the people that give me the heeby-jeebies when I see how their ears dangle and flap around whenever they walk. We are all about transparency, and we want to be as see-through as their weird damaged ears.”

Amongst the new lineup of model talent is Blake Howard, who stretched his ears too quickly during a regrettable metalcore phase in high school.

“It’s cool to be a part of a positive change. I want to inspire others with my story and show that even if you went overboard with gauged ears, and have multiple nautical tattoos, you can be proud and comfortable in your stretched skin,” said Howard while listening to the latest Acacia Strain album. “Who woulda thought not taking care of my body correctly would’ve paid off? Definitely not all the girls who tell me my giant keloids were a turnoff. But lots of babes wanna touch my lumpy danglies now!”

Customer feedback has been overwhelmingly positive, as former members of the 00s screamo and metalcore scenes now see themselves represented in the brand and feel comfortable purchasing from the Figure Four website.

“It’s a relief to see a body like mine represented in fashion,” said Melanie Hargrove, a former scenester who, through youthful impatience and poor hygiene, has lived with blown-out lobes since ‘08. “I bought a cardigan because their models helped me to see what a person who made the same stupid decisions as me looked like wearing that particular cardigan. When I saw their models proudly displaying their gross ass ears I didn’t gag once. This clothing actually made them look presentable. It almost made me want to dye my hair black and get the ‘Amelie’ haircut again.”

With all-time high sales this past quarter, Figure Four hopes to someday expand its portfolio to include people with botched Spring Break tramp stamps.

Check Out This Asshole! He Likes a Slightly Different Subgenre of the Extremely Specific Music We Both Love

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Can you believe this asshole? Sitting there like an idiot, playing that alt nu-metal garbage on repeat again. You can practically hear the band’s soul patches pouring through his speakers. This dumbass wouldn’t know good metal if it bit him in the dick. He probably doesn’t even know what funeral doom is.

Basically everything this guy does is wrong. He calls himself a metalhead but I bet you can’t find one album in his collection that isn’t just butt rock with a Hot Topic twist. The one time I tried to educate this lost soul, I sat him down in my cubicle to enjoy a 63-minute drone masterpiece together. The shithead listened quietly for 25 minutes max before telling me he has to leave for a meeting. What a fucking dick.

He also endlessly quotes Michael Scott. So annoying. But when I do a funnier David Brent line, he looks confused. On top of that, he didn’t even get the reference when I put his stapler in jelly. The jackass kept laughing and calling it ‘Jell-O.’

And have you seen him around the kitchenette? He keeps the weirdest food in the pantry. One time I spotted him eating a Boston Creme Pop-Tart. First of all, I didn’t even know they make that flavor. Second of all, yuck! Everyone knows S’mores are the only good kind.

Then the other day I was playing Magic by myself in the break room when he comes over holding some dumbass card, asking if I’m playing Pokémon… a fucking children’s game. I tried explaining that Magic the Gathering is far superior, how they control the value of cards and preserve the sanctity of the game, but he was too distracted by his foil Chamillionaire or whatever. This clown probably can’t even play with his $20,000 card.

I’d sooner kill myself than hang out with a guy who thinks birch beer is as good as root beer and decided to buy his Crosstrek in orange. The only positive thing I can think of about this asshole is that at least when I park my Crosstrek near his I can tell them apart by that hideous color. God, can you imagine being stuck in his ugly ass car, probably forced to listen to the stupid songs that Spotify keeps suggesting to me? What a nightmare. You can’t get me far enough away from this weirdo.