You can call Jeff Bezos many things; Bald Hitler, Slave driver, fragile ego poster boy, etc. But one thing you can’t call Jeff “The human personification of overcompensation itself” Bezos is unsuccessful. Oh, and dipshit! I’m trying to bring dipshit back, and you can totally call him that, but regardless, Bezos is a highly successful dipshit.
We sat down with the Amazon founder to try and figure out the secret to his undeniable success and see if it could possibly be harnessed for good instead of evil. Unfortunately, it turns out his secret is the same as just about anyone currently rich: Start in the early ‘90s. Bezos opened up to us about how he turned an extremely fleeting children’s trend into an empire.
The Hard Times: Mr. Bezos first and foremost, thank you for taking the time out of your busy space cowboy schedule to speak with us.
Of course. If I can’t fit in the occasional self-aggrandizing interview, do I really have it all?
If you could boil your success down to one essential element, what would that be? A lot of people say you were just in the right place at the right time but…
Those people are called haters. You wanna know the secret to my success? It’s all in the wrist.
In the wrist?
Let me break it down for you, I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t for The Grimm Reaper, The Green Power Ranger, and Saddam Husein.
Those are your top 3 influences?
Those are my three most valuable pogs.
Pogs? The little cardboard disc toys from the ‘90s?
Damn straight. I’ve kept every pog I’ve ever won, and I’ve kept them pristine. That’s what provided the seed capital for what would become the world’s largest private space program.
Wow. Okay, I would not have guessed that. Blue Origin is the result of… pog money?
See, everyone thinks it comes down to who has the best slammer, but that’s bullshit. You gotta have the finesse to not only flip that stack of bad boys but to avoid damaging the pogs in the process! In one of my early games I took home a sweet-ass Clarisa Explains It All Ferguson pog, I’m talking mint fucking condition, but in my haste to obtain it I frayed the edge making it worthless. It was a harsh lesson, but I took it to heart, and the results speak for themselves.
Okay right so, pogs were popular amongst children in the early ‘90s, you’re 58 years old now, so that would have made you about 28 back then?
Yeah and if you think my age gave me a competitive advantage you’re dead wrong. It was hard for me to even get into the elementary school cafeterias for security reasons, and that’s where all the action was baby! Add to that the fact that slamming a stack of pogs has nothing to do with physical strength and everything to do with wrist malleability, which your average child has in spades. Plus kids are way more adept at smelling out a hustler than you might think. It was a tough grift but hey, look at me now.
And you fully attribute your current wealth to hustling children out of their pogs in the ‘90s?
Well it sure as shit didn’t come from Beanie Babies I can tell ya that! Richard Branson nearly went broke chasing that dragon.
And, if you had one piece of advice for aspiring young investors today, it would be… pogs?
Pogs. Okay well thank you for your time, any chance we could get a look at those pogs?
Well let me answer your question with a question, any chance I can hunt you for sport?
Yeah that’s what I thought. No dice baby.