Man in Audience Way Too Proud After Picking Up Singer’s Knocked Over Mic Stand

Posted on by Amber Scala

VENTURA, Calif. — 30-year-old Magnus Hahn made last night’s show all about him after picking up the Faulty Mechanics singer’s knocked over mic stand in the middle of the set.

“I was just doing what anyone would do in that situation,” shared a beaming Hahn as he looked off into the distance recalling the memory. “What a rush. As soon as I heard the intro to ‘Nuts and Bolts,’ I knew the mic stand was going to be threatened, and had no choice but to brave my way through the windmill kicks for the rescue. Once it was safely in my hands, I looked around and saw that most people were smiling. It’s kind of embarrassing getting that much attention, that’s not why I do it, but clearly they witnessed the sacrifice I had made.”

Faulty Mechanics singer Jay Mandegary does not recall the situation at all.

“I was trying to move my gear so the next band could get set up, and some guy kept appearing next to me, nodding and saying ‘No problem, man. We gotta work together to keep the scene safe,’” he said. “I thought he was the dude who picked up the girl who broke her nose in the middle of our set, but apparently that guy left to accompany her to the hospital. Maybe he’s the dude who’s house we crashed at. I have no idea.”

Hahn’s girlfriend Claire Groverton confirmed that this isn’t the first time Hahn was left with a disproportionate amount of pride over what is ultimately nothing.

“Last week we were at Starbucks and the lady in front of us was short a quarter. After rummaging through my coin purse, he handed the barista the needed change, and then asked the lady if she wanted a picture with him to remember the moment,” she recalled. “He kept referring to the band as ‘the guys’ for the rest of the night, and still keeps finding ways to drop hints that I didn’t capture any footage of his ‘big save.’ I’d break up with him now but his birthday is in two weeks so I’ll just feel like a dick unless I wait.”

At press time, Hahn has been spotted at multiple shows setting traffic cones around the PA speakers even though no one asked him to.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

Here’s How I Turned My Passion Into A Career By Selling Nylon-covered Mannequin Legs Out Of A Dirty Tent Next To The Highway

Posted on by James Knapp

When someone is committed to following their dreams no amount of psychiatric intervention can stop them. Which is why today I am the proud owner of a soiled tent that I found at the bus station and two dozen nylon-covered mannequin legs which I have been selling from the side of the I-83 off ramp.

Most called me crazy when I finally decided to leave the daily grind behind and go into business for myself – some so passionately in fact that they insisted I be “institutionalized so as to not actively harm the social contract.”

For as long as I can remember, which oddly is not anytime before I became engrossed in a very specific genre of erotic documentary, my passion has always been for the sensual application of artificial stockings to a department store mannequin – preferably while I secretly watch, concealed in a sweatpants display somewhere in the active-wear section.

And now I’m ready for everyone else to experience the same passion that I do whenever I slip a lacy little thing over those hard, silicon calves. A passion that makes you feel warm and damp and just like you wanna put your tongue on stuff. That’s the dream!

Now admittedly, sales have been a little slow starting out. That’s just the reality of starting any small business in this sort of economy. Fortunately, I’ve been able to keep overhead costs low by acquiring most of my merchandise from the dumpster behind JCPenney. Also I sold some of my teeth to Kenny The Suck, who sells pointy blowjobs on the other side of the same highway. How’s that for building a business community?

I believe in this country. I believe in free enterprise. I am proud to live in a country where a man can turn his perverse sexual fixation into a thriving business.

Just the other day I had a customer who seemed really interested in buying one of my fine, salty, slightly blood-covered mannequin legs right before they maced me through the window of their Corolla. But my heart is still in it – I just may have to tweak the business model a bit.

I’m flexible, but there is one rule I simply wont budge on: Do not use these legs to build one of the lamps from “A Christmas Story.” They’re not for that! They’re for sex things.

Tearful Hans Zimmer Pushes Off Ska Album Again After Getting Hired to Compose Another Dumb Movie Score

Posted on by Jonah Nink

LOS ANGELES — A discouraged Hans Zimmer closed out the GarageBand tab on his long-delayed ska album to begin work on another stupid movie score late yesterday morning, ska-loving sources confirmed.

“It’s been my dream to record a ska album, but it seems like every year I get hired to compose for some dumbass movie,” said Zimmer. “Ska is why I got into music in the first place. Composing for Hollywood blockbusters is just a day job. Every time I finish a movie I think ‘now I finally have time to start the album,’ but then I’ll get an email saying ‘Hey Hans, we need you to do another ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ movie.’ It sucks. I just want to dance and play the trombone in a band with twenty guys like any other Academy Award-winning composer.”

Director Denis Villeneuve said that Zimmer seemed distracted while scoring the film’s soundtrack.

“I’d tell him how I want the music to sound and he’d nod, but it was obvious his mind was elsewhere,” said Villeneuve. “This giant CGI sandworm cost millions and took 8,000 man-hours to animate, and he scored it with upbeat trumpets? We only had a couple days to record an entire new soundtrack, so Hans recorded himself singing in the shower and added a ton of reverb. Surprisingly, that new soundtrack is on track to win an Oscar. I still won’t be working with him again.”

Despite criticism from collaborators, Zimmer has shared demos of the album in works with his colleagues to great delight.

“Zimmer’s shit fucking rips, dude,” said ‘Star Wars’ composer John Williams. “Less Than Jake? Goldfinger? Reel Big Fish? Those motherfuckers can’t hold a candle to some of the demos that the Hansmeister has shown me. It’s a shame he hasn’t had a chance to finish the songs, but I know how it goes. My two-piece slam metal band “Shitfuck” had an EP in the works, but then Disney bought Star Wars and I had to compose for all those dumb new movies. Sure the new trilogy is over, but now I have to wait until my drummer finishes his community service hours to work on the songs again.”

At press time, sources reported seeing Zimmer try to convince Ridley Scott to let him put a trumpet breakdown in the ‘Gladiator 2’ soundtrack.

Male Aggression Is Toxic and Dangerous. Unless He’s Holding a Guitar, at Which Point I Am Completely Turned On

Posted on by Courtney Paige Barnett

As a modern woman, I don’t adhere to the patriarchal system that positions men as the dominant gender just because of their testosterone-fueled aggression. Humans have evolved past the need for physical strength to be of higher value and any man that chooses to address me by flashing his aggressive masculinity like a neon sign will receive no reaction from me. But if he’s got a guttural scream and an instrument in his hands? Uh oh. Mama likey!

If you find this contradictory, I assure you this does not come without a personal internal conflict. How can I hate emotional displays of unhinged maleness while simultaneously celebrating them? Well, it’s kind of like what makes me love hardcore. A man screaming in my face for taking the Trader Joe’s parking spot he wanted is a display of self-centeredness and a lack of emotional empathy. A man screaming in my face from a stage telling me to get this fucking pit started? That’s passion. Also, it leads to sweaty skin-to-skin contact. Chances are he also has lots of tattoos which makes it extremely sexy and I’m willing to do whatever he says.

It’s all about context. One context makes me want to wipe an entire gender off the planet and the other makes me want to hold him and tell him it’s okay and that he had a great set.

Accessorize any man with a musical tool and it turns his anger into theater. What I would normally view as aggressive red flags become high-volume expressions of isolation, vulnerability, and righteous anguish. Turn a Reddit rant into a hardcore song and you’ve got yourself a bop.

If you’re a woman who feels these things, know that you’re not alone. And if you’re a dude who fits these criteria, oh hey what’s up?

​​Punk Venue Accused of Falsifying Health Code Violations

Posted on by John Danek

SANTA FE, N.M. – Punk bar and venue Wrench, a relative newcomer to the Santa Fe punk scene, was accused of fabricating multiple health code violations all in the name of establishing a gritty sense of street cred, disgusted patrons reported.

“Wrench has been claiming that the Health Department logged over eleven health code violations in their first four months of operation. I work at City Hall and can only find A+ inspection results across the board. There is even one note from an inspector that says ‘very polite, punctual, and well groomed’ in regards to venue management,” stated an anonymous whistleblower, who claims to work for Santa Fe to take the city down from the inside. “There is no evidence that there has even been a spot of mold in the venue. Patrick Klimpt, the owner, is clearly lying to hide the fact that he is a poser. It makes you wonder what else he’s been lying about, he’s been claiming he did merch for Capitalist Casualties in the 90s, but now that sounds like a crock of shit.”

Venue staff has rebuffed these leaks and claims that all patrons should expect to contract a contagious airborne disease while in the establishment.

“Clearly, I have enemies who are trying to slander my venue’s bad name,” said Klimpt, who denies that he’s the same Patrick Klimpt that played in Simple Plan’s touring band for years. “I don’t know what to tell you — Wrench is disgusting. Every time I walk in and turn the lights on I puke my ass off and then just leave it there. There is rat shit everywhere, fire marshall violations, a leaky roof, and faulty wiring all over the place. It’s a deathtrap and only real punks would even bother to step foot inside.”

Veteran health inspector Rhonda Lindenwood is no stranger to establishments attempting to hide the reality of their conditions.

“It happens all the time, especially in the aftermath of the COVID pandemic. Venues are always trying to alter the public’s perception of their inspection results,” explained Lindenwood, who has inspected Santa Fe businesses for over 24 years. “But legally, Wrench has to display the A+ certification they earned. Cleverly, they do it by making it the first letter of an ACAB poster so no one suspects it’s really a passing grade. They’re probably just trying to hide the fact that they took government bailout money. That’s not very punk, is it?”

Klimpt’s situation worsened, as sleuths leaked that some of the scars on his face and forehead may just be incredibly realistic tattoos.

Review: King Diamond “Voodoo”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover King Diamond’s 1998 concept album “Voodoo” and it didn’t go as planned.

No one does a concept album quite like Danish heavy metal mainstays King Diamond. Their eponymous frontman’s signature multi-octave vocals lend themselves well to sprawling, fantastical tales. Although I am familiar with their breakout album “Abigail,” I’ve somehow managed to never hear “Voodoo.”. I picked up a copy on CD, as I feel like everything from that era is really meant to be played over shitty car speakers at max volume. Really suits the experience, you know? So I hopped in my literally decaying Honda CR-V and prepared myself mentally for an hour-long joyride with the Scandinavian legends.

“Voodoo” is a decidedly ‘80s throwback in the years where grunge reigned supreme, full of wild guitar solos (including one on the title track by Pantera superstar Dimebag Darrell) and soaring harmonies. Plot-wise, “Voodoo” takes place in 1930s Baton Rouge, and the moment I began my listen, I could feel myself being transported to that exact place and time.

And by transported, I mean literally. I was in my car in Pittsburgh, and two chords into “Louisiana Darkness,” I was suddenly sitting in a Hoover Wagon in the fucking bayou. As I write this, it’s oppressively hot, damp, and the driver keeps referring to me as “the Missus.”

This swamp atmosphere is effectin’ me, I can tell. I feel the need to pontificate, elaborate, speak in such a slow and pronounced Southern drawl that I fret I may not recover. I do fear, my most beloved readers, that I may ne’er escape my predicament, ne’er return to my homeland of Yinz.

The sun has set, and the path ahead, lit only by the oil lamp of the carriage, grows dim. Oh, lord help me. I see a great hulking man approachin’ my carriage, his eyes aglow with the light of the Devil himself. And—oh, my stars—he’s carrying some sort of strange guitar, brightly colored and electrified.

“I’m Dimebag Fucking Darrell,” he hissed, his words spoken backwards, before ripping into a truly Satanic bout of what a modern woman, unlike myself, may call “shredding.” My heavens!

SCORE: 3 out of 4 problematic depictions of ancestral voodoo practitioners

/**/

How To Remove an Easter Egg From Your Ass Without Breaking It

Posted on by Krissy Howard

It’s that time of year again, when chocolate bunnies are eaten and colorful eggs are hidden all around the home for children to find with surprise and delight. For many people, getting one of those holiday eggs lodged into their anal cavity for hours or even days at a time is a reality that can come with many problems. Removing an Easter egg from your ass can be done effectively and safely, allowing you to reuse it the following year.

So if you want to avoid a trip to the emergency room where you have to explain that you have another egg up your ass that you wish to keep in one piece, we have a few tips and tricks to get that sucker out of there:

Step 1: Don’t panic.

The first step in removing an Easter egg from your asshole without breaking it into a million shitty pieces is to keep calm and collected. You can do this with deep breathing exercises, 50 minutes of silent meditation, or by enjoying the pastel coloring of any of the eggs you somehow resisted sticking up your own ass.

Step 2: Pray to the god of your understanding.

Next, travel to your nearest beach, forest, or other secluded areas, and slowly lower yourself down until you are planted firmly on your knees. Then, start praying to something holy and incredibly forgiving. If it gets you out of this without you having to repaint your egg again, promise it you will donate money to a homeless person for now.

Step 3: Prepare your anus.

Without getting up, roll onto your back. Then, remove the speculum from the keyring in your pocket and apply water-based lubricant to it, as well as all over your asshole and into your mouth (what the hell, it’s the weekend!) Holding the speculum in front of your face, open and close it, using the power of visualization to imagine that this is what your butthole will do when it’s time to push the egg out.

Step 4: Coax the egg out.

Now, place three to five sunflower seeds at the entrance of your asshole, which will entice the unlucky guinea pig you keep up there to venture outward, pushing the egg out of its way, and out of your ass while it’s at it. Finally, thank the guinea pig, then remind him that the rental agreement you left in his mailbox a few months ago isn’t going to sign itself.

Step 5: Refrigerate the egg.

 

Now that the egg has been removed from your ass, place it in an airtight container and keep it refrigerated. Being as discreet as possible, mark the egg to prevent a loved one or roommate from accidentally ingesting it. To avoid such a mishap in the future, you can invest in plastic Easter eggs, which you can break because they make a billion of those things so NBD.

11 Springtime Combat Boots That Say “Rail Me In This Sundress”

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

Spring is finally in full bloom and combat boots are the hottest trend of the season. Here are 10 styles of combat boots that are sure to get you laid.

A punk fashion staple and German Military WWII Uniform requirement, these sexy Doc Martens can be worn with any springtime dress. Step aside Dr. Klaus Martën, the alternative crowd is reclaiming this iconic look! Pair these with any dress and your lover is sure to swoon.

Over-the-Knee Combat Boots

Are your legs ashier than Grandma? No worries! This over-the-knee look conceals your disgusting flaky skin that would otherwise blind any admirers of your outfit. These thigh-high boots are hot, sexy, and seductive without showing off too much ankle action. These combat boots come in jet-black with extra shoelace grommets for shin ventilation and an added industrial look!

Leather Platform Boots

A pump, a platform shoe, and a combat boot all rolled into one sexy set of leather panty-droppers. No matter your height, these boots help show off your beauty from head to toe. With a six-inch heel, these kicks can give you a vertical boost to smooch that extra hunky, extra tall lover of yours. Or Bigfoot. He’s like 6’7”, I think. Either way, you’ll be able to give them a kiss on the lips.

Red Plaid Boots

For all your kilty pleasures.

Chunky Buckle Boots

It’s no secret that buckles are coming back in a big way. These leather boots exude raw sex appeal by incorporating the most erotic part of a pilgrims hat into your everyday look. With these sexy black boots, you will have a great night out with the extra security that comes with a backup to your flimsy inferior shoelaces.

Jelly Clear Boots

Everyone can agree on one thing. The worst part about wearing boots is having to hide your top ten sexiest money makers. With these revolutionary shoes, you will no longer need to choose between the practical lifestyle of sturdy boots and the glamorous life of the foot slut you clearly are. Put your beautiful toes on display for the world with these haute boots!

Chunkier Boots with Even More Buckles

What’s sexier than a boot with buckles?! A boot with even more buckles! With aluminum grommets galore and a three-inch platform, these bad boys can be styled with anything. These six buckles will blow your socks right off your supple, delicate feet. Are you seeing this shit? Six. Buckles. Absolutely incredible.

White Lace Boots

Let your delicate side free with these stunning lace boots. Match these with your finest handkerchief to show your suitor that you’re classy, elegant, and ready to get railed like a Victorian woman after the bubonic plague.

Chunkiest Boots with the Most Buckles

Holy shit! I am physically shaking and foaming at the mouth as I am so overwhelmed with the sheer number of buckles on these shoes. This number of buckles will be sure to give you the power of eight men all wearing one-buckled shoes. You’ll be the one doing the railing around here when you’re wearing these empowering boots.

Pink Valentine Boots

Adorned with saucy valentines sayings, these pretty pink boots can turn on any suitor. Show the world that you’re fully prepared to embrace your sexuality right here, right now in this Payless ShoeSource Parking lot. Some may argue that these technically aren’t combat boots, but they’re definitely horny enough to get you laid.

Purple Yin Yang Boots

What’s an easier way of saying, “I’m DTF and have literally no idea what Taoism is” than these spunky Yin Yang boots? Match your sleazy white uncle’s bicep tattoo with the symbol of inner peace, or something like that. Comfortable, sturdy, and bold, these boots can proudly show off your favorite wingding character.

Band’s Hot Sauce Outsells Records

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y. – Local Punk band Chaos Vacation are in a state of disarray after realizing their frontman’s line of hot sauce is much more of a popular seller than any of their records, confirmed sources enjoying a burger topped with the signature condiment.

“I spend most of my time perfecting my recipe, and the band is sort of an afterthought,” said vocalist Gary “Gangrene” Ross as he chopped up a fresh batch of Carolina reaper peppers. “Half of the lyrics from our last album were hastily written in the studio and even those are largely influenced by hot sauce. I want what’s best for the band, but also I really want to have my sauce on ‘Hot Ones!’ I have boxes and boxes of our LPs piled in my garage, we can’t even give those fuckers away. But there is always a line around the venue to get their hands on some of the hot sauce.”

Sarah Hansen, a veteran in the Buffalo punk scene, weighed in on the band’s lackluster music and more than adequate sauce.

“Chaos Vacation is pretty much a laughing stock, but I’d drown all seven of my cats in the river for a bottle of their Spider Sauce,” said Hansen over the clanking of her armful of sauce bottles.“I just wish they’d get the hint and stick bottles of that stuff on their Bandcamp page to make it a little more convenient, but I’ll still make a three-hour trek just to get it. It really is that good. So good I even tolerate their creepy guitarist trying to get me to snort coke in the back room with him every show.”

Hot sauce connoisseur, Todd Beckley, encouraged more bands to create their own brand of sauces.

“Dude, we live in a time where hot sauce is king,” said Beckley. “Some of the stuff I like to suck straight from the bottle is like high octane jet fuel type shit. I’ve tried stuff this band Bloody Porridge made and it was good. Real good. Made me almost go into cardiac arrest. As a matter of fact, I think all bands need to ditch making music and focus on making fiery, non-pleasurable, and just simply uncomfortable-to-put-in-your-mouth sauces.”

At press time, Ross rolled out his plan to sell his wife’s homemade summer sausage at the Chaos Vacation merch table at an upcoming three-day punk fest.

We Hear You: After A Decades Long Tirade Of Complaints About Our Dehumanizing Corporate Culture, We’re Raising Our Starting Wage By 48 Cents Per Hour

Posted on by Dan Rice

We’ve heard your phone calls, read your emails, and crossed your picket lines. We’ve attended all of the meetings with all of your lawyers about all of the labor laws we’ve violated. We hear you.

In recent decades, rumors have circulated regarding our “inhumane” labor practices. We’ve all heard the horror stories of workers peeing in coffee cans, factory floor suicides and single mothers slaving away 80 hours a week for us just to keep a roof over their heads. These rumors, bolstered by cancel culture and facts, have hurt us tremendously.

The people have spoken, and something needs to be done. According to our team of economists, psychologists and marketing strategists, that something is a 48 cent per hour increase of our starting wage with a firm commitment to a rollout date of TBD.

The PickOne corporation was founded on two main guiding principles:

1. A merger of the world’s biggest shipping companies, retail outlets, aerospace companies and weapons manufacturers will create an organization with more influence over world events than any democratically elected leadership body in history.

2. People matter.

Take a look at that second one. Saying we care about people is the second most important thing we do.

We’ve analyzed the data, done the math, and found this to be the cheapest possible way to alter public perception of our brand by a percentage that suits our agenda. It’s our way of giving back.

Let me tell you a personal anecdote that will humanize me the author and make you more receptive to my message. The other day I stepped out of my limo and there, sitting on the steps of our headquarters, was a man. The man was very poor and dirty. Despite this, I looked at him, and I sort of thought to myself “You know, we’re both people I guess.” I found myself thinking about him long after I had him removed.

The wage increase is only the first of many changes we’ll be making to better the quality of life for all of our employees. It’s not of course, this will be it for some time, but we do get points for saying that.

At PickOne we believe that you believe that none of our employees should have to choose between paying rent and taking their child to the doctor. With our wage increase they won’t have to, provided they skip lunch for a week or two, which they could totally stand to do! Have you seen these people? Chunk city.

It is our hope that this benevolent compromise will help all of us circumvent the scourge of unionization that has plagued our great nation since the 1940s. On behalf of the entire PickOne senior management family, we are sorry that you chose to be hurt by our labor practices, and you’re welcome

Also, if you ever have to make a public apology for work, just google “public apology templates” on the image search and you’ll find a lot of helpful outlines. This was way easier than I thought, and it came out pretty good!