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Horrible, Toxic Personality Rebranded as “Character”

SHERIDAN, Wyo. — Local punk Collin Shepard, frontman of the band Kiss Daddy, talked openly about his toxic, problematic satirical stage character, who is also named Colin Shepard.

“Shepard is just about the worst guy you can possibly meet,” said Shepard of his corrosive alter-ego Shepard, who is based entirely on the frontman’s own self. “He’s a narcissist, an abuser and a master manipulator. And anyone who says that shit about me, Colin Shepard the real person, is a liar and a drug addict, everyone knows that. Some people, and by some I mean every person I’ve been in a relationship with or related to, have called me toxic, but they’re unwilling to see beyond the personality to appreciate my persona.”

The reveal that Collin Shepard, a man who is blacklisted from his own family functions and every Dave & Busters on the east coast, is in fact a heel character came as a shock to the many, many people affected by his antics over the years.

“When Colin strong-armed me out of sobriety, drained my bank account, and started an inappropriate text exchange with my underage cousin, I had no idea it was all the work of a master satirist!” said Shepard’s ex-girlfriend Sheila Gorrano. “In my defense we were together for five years so, you can see how I would buy into the character! It explains how Kaufmanesque he’s always been. I bet Andy Kaufman was a huge asshole and a chore to be around and sent everyone he came in contact with to therapy in real life too.”

Despite the shock and surprise upon hearing the news, some close to the performance artist shouldn’t have put it past him.

“Oh it’s performance art? Oh wow fuck me!” exclaimed former Kiss Daddy drummer Sean Hill, who three years ago lost his arm in a drunk driving incident involving Shepard. “See I thought when he spent that summer seeing how many girls he could give the clap to because he thought it was funny it was just, you know, that dude being a fucking scumbag, but okay I guess I’m just a dumb shit then huh?”

At press time, Shepherd was explaining to his pregnant girlfriend that he didn’t “lie” about getting a vasectomy four months ago, but that it was all a “genius” bit.