Band Sits Down Drummer to Tell Him Bassist is Going to a Nice Farm Upstate

Posted on by Allegra Ringo

RYE, N.Y. — Punk band Minor Nasty sat down their drummer and gently told him that their bassist was going to a nice farm upstate where he’d have lots of room to run around and play, according to sources.

“I know it’s cowardly, but I couldn’t bear to tell Anthony [Briggs] the truth,” singer Louise Weis said tearfully, of the decision she and her bandmates made to part ways with bassist Lawrence Alvarado. “He’s a very sensitive boy. But Lawrence’s insistence on writing one song for the new album proved to be chronic, and once we realized there was no hope of his skill level or taste level ever improving, we knew this was the more humane choice over just not telling him when and where band practice is anymore.”

Fellow band members agreed that their time with Alvarado simply didn’t work out.

“I mean, we found him on Craigslist,” said second guitarist Craig Watley. “We needed a bassist and someone said we could ‘come get him’ from behind an abandoned building. I don’t want to say bassists like this are damaged goods or whatever, but is it any wonder he could only play three notes? Either way, it’ll be hard on Tony because he basically grew up with Lawrence, and drummers just don’t have the emotional maturity that the rest of us do. It’s hard for them to hear that their bassist got kicked out of the band because he sucked, or, I don’t know, maybe that asshole slept with another band member’s ex. Just saying.”

For his part, drummer Anthony Briggs was caught off guard but ultimately accepted the news.

“Lawrence usually greets me at the door when I get to band practice,” said Briggs, while trying unsuccessfully to poke the straw into a Capri Sun. “But my bandmates said he had to go to a big farm really far away. I was sad, but they said he has more freedom there to play really long bass solos using his three favorite notes. I will miss him, he was my best friend.”

At press time, members of the band were hopeful that they could distract Briggs by replacing Alvarado with a younger, healthier bassist.

Image by Jana Miller. 

The Human Shazam: Play Any Song and in Less Than a Second This Asshole Will Tell You Who They Ripped Off

Posted on by Sam Eardley

Meet Roger Nunce. He has one very particular skill and he’s using it to make the world just a little bit worse for the people around him. We all know about using the Shazam app to identify a song within moments. But if you’re a friend, coworker, or unfortunate bar patron who happens to be sitting within earshot of Roger Nunce, you’ll bear witness to what some are calling, “The Human Shazam.” Except Roger won’t tell you what song is playing. But he will gladly tell you which song it’s ripping off.

We invited Roger in to demonstrate his prowess. We played him a random section from three songs and, within moments, he was able to ruin them forever.

Green Day – “Basket Case” (1994)
0.367 seconds
“Yeah, yeah, we all know this one. What a rip. The thing about Green Day is that their music is directly stolen from two bands: The Clash and Stiff Little Fingers. Not a lot of people know that. But I do. Because I watched ‘High Fidelity.’ It’s the only part I remember. Next!”

Mitski – “Me and My Husband” (2018)
0.981 seconds
“Alright, this one’s a bit tricker. This band is clearly just a carbon copy of the Breeders. It’s ripping off their whole vibe. Nothing new here.”

Busta Rhymes – “Woo Hah!! Got You All In Check” (1996)
1.179 seconds
“Can’t tell you who this is but it’s definitely just another Eminem clone. Very boring.”

Nunce and his kind will be appearing in bars and restaurants nationwide between now and the end of time.

The Human Shazam: Play Any Song and in Less Than a Second This Asshole Will Tell You Who They Ripped Off

Posted on by Sam Eardley

Meet Roger Nunce. He has one very particular skill and he’s using it to make the world just a little bit worse for the people around him. We all know about using the Shazam app to identify a song within moments. But if you’re a friend, coworker, or unfortunate bar patron who happens to be sitting within earshot of Roger Nunce, you’ll bear witness to what some are calling, “The Human Shazam.” Except Roger won’t tell you what song is playing. But he will gladly tell you which song it’s ripping off.

We invited Roger in to demonstrate his prowess. We played him a random section from three songs and, within moments, he was able to ruin them forever.

Green Day – “Basket Case” (1994)
0.367 seconds
“Yeah, yeah, we all know this one. What a rip. The thing about Green Day is that their music is directly stolen from two bands: The Clash and Stiff Little Fingers. Not a lot of people know that. But I do. Because I watched ‘High Fidelity.’ It’s the only part I remember. Next!”

Mitski – “Me and My Husband” (2018)
0.981 seconds
“Alright, this one’s a bit tricker. This band is clearly just a carbon copy of the Breeders. It’s ripping off their whole vibe. Nothing new here.”

Busta Rhymes – “Woo Hah!! Got You All In Check” (1996)
1.179 seconds
“Can’t tell you who this is but it’s definitely just another Eminem clone. Very boring.”

Nunce and his kind will be appearing in bars and restaurants nationwide between now and the end of time.

Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy

Posted on by John Danek

VATICAN CITY – The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.

“Priesthood used to be a highly prestigious career. But thanks to a variety of societal shifts and some, small, mostly exaggerated, legal dustups over the past 20 years we haven’t seen as many people called by God to be priests,” stated Cardinal Juan Peña, who was reportedly moved between parishes approximately 16 times before becoming a Cardinal. “But to fix the problem, we are loosening some of our requirements for the priesthood. If you have attended at least two Dream Theater concerts and posted on Facebook about your love of the band, you don’t have to take the traditional vow of celibacy. They’re functionally equivalent anyways.”

Dream Theater fans are surprisingly jumping at the invite from the Holy See.

“I thought I would have to be satisfied simply judging people for their music tastes all my life- turns out I can judge their souls too? Sign me up,” said hardcore Dream Theater fan and permanent virgin Derek Kreiss. “Most employers don’t understand my skillset anyway. Every interview I’ve had involves me explaining how I can air drum to all 24 minutes of ‘Octavarium.’ No interviewer can fathom that level of talent so I leave. It’s nice that there is an institution that finally appreciates my abilities, unlike every person I’ve ever asked out on a date.”

Members of Dream Theater reacted with confusion and offense to the Vatican’s announcement.

“What the heck? I’ve almost had sex at least two times during my tenure with Dream Theater!” explained frontman James LaBrie. “Once, in 1998, I made eye contact with a woman backstage and it was electric. You could tell she was totally down but then her stupid girlfriend walked over and they left holding hands. I was THIS close. So I don’t really get this whole priest thing. But reviewers have compared some of our albums to sitting through an entire mass so I guess it makes sense.”

When asked if the Church would allow female Dream Theater fan to become priests, Cardinal Peña reportedly responded by saying “Ha ha ha, fuck no.”

/**/

Opinion: Religion Is Made Up Bullshit That Only An INFJ, Sagittarius, Enneagram Type 4 Would Believe

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Can you believe it? It’s 2022 and there are still people who think religion is legit. Well, not everyone. Some of us know that it’s all hogwash. Especially those of us that are INTPs. We can easily separate the bull from the bullshit.

Now that I mention it, Enneagram Type 6 also knows what’s what. Raise your hands if that’s you. Congratulations, you’re like me and can see right through the fact that a bunch of dudes wrote the Bible like 100 years ago. It wasn’t Jesus’ intern like they’d have us believe. I feel bad for someone like an Enneagram Type 4 who falls for pretty much every made up thing under the sun, like religion. Sucks to be you.

I mean, just today my horoscope said, “You’re likely to find people somewhat irritating today.” And hoo boy, nothing is more true than that. I just have no patience for anyone that is an Aries today. They seriously believe the earth is round. Unbelievable.

I’m sorry but anyone who can’t see through the bullshit that is Judeo-Christian faith needs to align their chakras, reconcile traumas from their past lives, and start carrying an onyx pebble in their pocket to absorb their negativity.

And don’t get me started on every single Sagittarius out there. They’re a bunch of batshit churchgoers who really believe there’s an old man with a bushy white beard sitting in a cloud in the sky judging our every move. I mean, if God were real, why would he sit back and let children get cancer, permit unjust wars to happen, and allow ENFJs to even exist? So cruel.

Sure, it may sound like my mercury is in retrograde today. But I assure you, I did my 30-minute healing crystal ritual this morning like I do every day. Sometimes it just takes my aura a few hours to get on track. Could also be a case of the Mondays.

Just because millions of people throughout history believe a certain ideology and claim it helps them make sense and navigate through the existential dread parts of life doesn’t make it right. Hell, even someone who got the dreaded “Rachel” as their “Which Friends Character Are You?” Buzzfeed quiz answers should know better.

Band Meeting Turns Into Four-Hour Lecture On Cable Management

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

DENVER — Members of local band Shady Hoops are grinding their teeth as their band meeting devolved into an unending lecture about proper cable management from their guitarist, sources that are very late to work confirmed.

“It’s not my fault that everybody is fucking up so bad,” said guitarist Clyde Burns as he meticulously lined up various cables for inspection. “We lost two patch cables and an XLR cable at our last show, and we need a better system. Daisy chains don’t grow on trees, you know. Color coding by cable type, length, wrapping material, and AWG isn’t enough. We need to have a bag for our rehearsal space, venues with or without a backline, and an additional ‘go bag’ for any cable emergencies that might come up. A band is only as good as its cables. We need to stop getting in the way of ourselves if we want to succeed.”

Drummer Brian Johnstone expressed frustration due to the nature of the band meeting and his own role in the band.

“The two-hour PowerPoint supplemented with a phonebook’s worth of notes on approved wrapping techniques and impedance didn’t bother me too much,” said Johnstone. “He even brought in a local electrician during the follow-up Q and A and that guy spent forever showing us different cable management tips. What really makes me sore is that as a drummer, cables aren’t even a part of my line check. He makes me attend these meetings so I know what kind of problematic behavior to look for, but he’s the one causing problems. For fuck’s sake, he was sewing tile trackers into our bassist’s gig bag during the second bathroom break.”

Monster Cable Sales Rep Genevieve Powell is torn on the subject of proper cable maintenance, and even feels a conflict of interest.

“As a purveyor of high-end cables, nothing makes me happier than our customers practicing good cable management,” said Powell with a profound sense of pride. “Properly maintained equipment will last a lifetime. But as a sales rep, this is a huge problem. Our business model is dependent on people losing cables at shows. Every time some indie-rock shithead borrows an instrument cable and doesn’t return it to its rightful owner, I get a sale. It’s hard to pick a side, but I want to say that Clyde is fighting the good fight.”

At press time, Burns was seen at The Dollar General testing the power rating of various 9-volt batteries by licking the clasps.

Photo by Jana Miller

5 Beginner Punk Songs You Still Aren’t Good Enough To Play on Guitar Even Though You Bought That Ibanez Like Fifteen Years Ago

Posted on by James Knapp

Look, learning guitar is hard. That’s just how it is. We know it’s not fair and you’ve been trying to nail down some punk classics on that Ibanez you bought nearly two decades ago, but we’re here to tell you that, sorry, it ain’t gonna happen. Anyway, here are five beginner punk songs that you’d be able to play by now if you had been born with even a modicum of musical talent.

The Ramones – Blitzkrieg Bop
This one could have just as easily been titled “My First Punk Song” based on the sheer volume of twelve-year-olds who have managed to master this three-chord beginner anthem. Sadly, this does not include yourself. You talentless, bad person.

Green Day – Longview
Seriously, there’s not even any guitar playing on like eighty percent of this song. But still, the last time you tried to play this one you broke every string and somehow managed to swallow your own pick. Just give up already.

Blink 182 – All the Small Things
Remember back when you first heard this song on the radio and you immediately started fantasizing about rocking those opening chords yourself on a sick ax while adoring fans cheered your every strum? And do you remember how for the last fifteen years you have failed to even marginally cover any part of this song while you sit alone in your darkened apartment with the same shitty guitar? Remember that? Plus, we bet you think this song is punk. Dork.

Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit
Is this even really a punk song? Who gives a shit, you can’t play it anyway.

Social Distortion – Story of My Life
What in the hell were you even thinking trying this one? Sure, it’s three chords but it’s also like five minutes long and it’s got that whole fucking solo in there and everything. Tell you what. Go look at your reflection in that shitty guitar of yours and you ask yourself what the fuck is wrong with you for even trying to play this fucking song. And stop crying! Your parents were right. You should have taken up the bass.

Out-of-Work Line Cook Prepares Resume By Getting Fourth Knife Tattoo

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

ST. LOUIS – Local line cook Reuben Gunnels updated his extensive resume by adding a fourth tattoo of a knife to his arm in hopes of landing a coveted sous chef gig, sources close to the 15-time “Top Chef” reject confirmed.

“All of the asshole cooks at my old job have, like, two tattoos at most. And it’s all boring, young shit too – a skull eating a slice of pizza, a chicken wing on fire, the PBR logo. They clearly don’t take this profession as seriously as I do. That should have been a red flag for me from the beginning. How can you expect to be well-respected in the kitchen with a few beginner tats?” said Gunnels. “After six months grilling burgers and frying eggs alongside meatheads who can’t even make a decent aioli, I’ve had it. I’m ready to level up and start working at finer establishments next to chefs with six or seven knife tattoos at least.”

To increase his shots of landing a high-end gig, Gunnels enlisted the guidance of local tattoo artist Cassidy Torres.

“Sure, a lot of people think of me as just a tattoo artist, but frankly, I’m more than that. I’m an employment consultant for line cooks, hairstylists, mixologists, mechanics, and more,” explained Torres as she drew a bleeding cornucopia in her sketchbook. “On average, head chefs spend just 11 seconds judging the tattoo work a candidate has, so you have to stand out. For Reuben, his ‘Yes Chef’ knuckle tattoo and meat cleaver bicep design demonstrate experience and commitment to the industry, and he lets his personality shine with his Dead Kennedys piece on his calf. By adding in a ‘Mise en place’ neck tattoo and another chef’s knife on his forearm, he’ll be hard to deny.”

High-level chefs across St. Louis are reportedly interested in talking with Gunnels as soon as his new tattoo is no longer in that gross scab phase.

“I must say, I was extremely impressed that young man,” said Sebastian Lee, executive chef of a highly acclaimed gastropub Iron & Nettles. “Reuben’s choice of tattoos clearly demonstrated an eye for detail, a high pain tolerance, and a deflated sense of self, all of which are essential for working in my kitchen. The kids that come out of culinary school could learn a thing or two from him. Don’t spend your money on education, spend it on giant tattoos that make your mother questions her decisions as a parent.”

At press time, local barber Ted Clement added a 75th straight razor tattoo to his collection in the hopes of moving one chair closer to the front door of his shop.

We Rehabilitated This Police Dog To Be A Cancer Sniffing Dog Except Now It Keeps Trying To Bite The Cancer Out Of People

Posted on by Stephen Bell

When we saw that this beautiful German Shepherd named Rory was going to be retired by the police department, we wanted to give it a new lease on life. Instead of being used to catch illegal medical marijuana users, we thought it could be successfully turned into one of those dogs with the ability to smell when a person has cancer.

Despite our best efforts, instead of simply detecting cancer, it kept trying to bite the cancer out of the people it diagnosed.

With other dogs, we had been quite successful at teaching them to detect cancer just by sniffing a patient’s urine. Unfortunately, in Rory’s case all we succeeded in doing was changing the trigger smell for the thing he already does. He would take one sniff and then bam! His teeth would head straight for the patient’s crotch.

We consulted an animal behaviors expert, who offered a grim prognosis of Rory’s problem:

“Once police training is learned by any animal, be it a German Shepherd or a white dude who peaked in high school, it’s almost impossible to undo. In most cases it is best to put the animal down.”

Still, we didn’t want to abandon trying to reform Rory. Despite major objections from the oncologist, who insisted the risk-to-reward ratio was “way off here” and that the dog detection thing wasn’t “all that accurate to begin with” we convinced the hospital board to funnel more money into the program.

We thought that if Rory were to undergo some sort of training to get rid of his implicit attack response, then he might be less prone to bite people. So after 4 hours of instruction we let Rory try to sniff out a patient for any number of melanomas. The end result was a man riddled with cancer missing half a face.

Rory’s new job did not pan out the way we had hoped, but our editor has assured us that he’s been relocated to a nice big farm upstate where he can run around and eviscerate mild drug offenders all day long.

Oh. I didn’t say it out loud till now. Damn.

Bouncer Accepts Old Blockbuster Membership Card as Valid Form of ID for 21+ Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — Veteran bouncer Lucas Clonesworth accepted an old Blockbuster membership card as a valid form of ID for yesterday’s 21 and over show at the Paramount music venue, sources who subsequently second-guessed ditching theirs years ago confirmed.

“Nothing is more effective at revealing your age than an old laminated Blockbuster membership card that’s been lodged in your wallet for decades,” said Clonesworth while rejecting someone’s perfectly valid driver’s license because it was out of state and deemed “too difficult” to find the date of birth. “No one under the age of 30 has even seen one of these mythical Blockbuster cards in real life, but those old enough to remember renting physical movies from physical buildings with physical money using physical membership cards are all too familiar with it. I’m not sure it’s technically legal. All I know is that if you rented ‘The Pelican Brief’ in 1995 from the largest movie rental chain in the country at the time, you’re definitely allowed in this show.”

This was not the first time Jenny Graham’s Blockbuster membership came in handy.

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of places that accept your Blockbuster card as a valid form of identification,” said Graham before dazzling a group of 19-year-olds with her Blockbuster rental history. “I actually lost my driver’s license years ago and started using my Blockbuster card instead. It’s worked to prove my age at liquor stores, as a last-minute passport substitute for international flights, and even to vote in local and national elections. Blockbuster may be dead, but their legacy lives on for those of us old enough to remember paying an extra fee for not rewinding videotapes before returning.”

Experts predicted the future of identification methods.

“Humans are the only species on earth that require the use of an ID to prove their existence to other humans,” said sociologist Kat Diagramm. “Don’t worry, before you know it, those COVID vaccination cards rotting in all of our wallets are going to pass as valid forms of ID at 21+ shows. You got a booster in 2021? Just wait until 2052 when teens will have no idea what that is and you’ll be the old one now. Tragically, it happens to us all.”

In related news, Clonesworth accepted a signed and dated receipt for a Blind Melon CD from an old Tower Records as a valid form of ID for a 21 and over show.