Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: In This House, Tom Sawyer Was A Modern Day Warrior With A Mean, Mean Stride No Matter What Your English Teacher Says, Got That?

Posted on June 11, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Okay, that’s just about enough! Listen, you need to have some more respect for tradition and the way things are done around here. This is my house and as long as you are under this roof, Tom Sawyer was a modern-day warrior with a mean, mean stride, no matter what your stuck-up English teacher says, got that?

My house, my rules about Tom Sawyer!

Around here, we respect the works of Canadian progressive rock band Rush, even if some liberal, so-called English instructors don’t. If drummer and co-lyricist Neil Peart (working in collaboration with Pye Dubois of hard rock cult band Max Webster) says that Tom Sawyer is not arrogant and that his reserve indicates a quiet defense riding out the day’s events, then that’s it! No argument! Period. Case closed.

I’ve got half a mind to call up your school and demand the principal explain to me why my tax dollars are going to some woke, barely-out-of-grad-school is filling our children’s minds with some nobody called Mark Twain, if that is even his real name.

There’s only one Tom Sawyer as far as you’re concerned, and his mind is not for rent. Unlike yours, because you seem to have the moral rectitude of a non-Ayn Rand fan. Why do you think we listen to Rush’s 1981 masterpiece Moving Pictures after church every Sunday? You think it’s for fun? You think it’s because bassist Geddy Lee’s strained, instantly recognizable vocals stir the free-thinking soul and that the space he invades, he gets by on you? As your parents, it’s our responsibility to make sure you learn the right lessons about Tom Sawyer and that you understand what you say about his company, you say about society.

Catch my drift, buster?

A man’s house is his castle, and he should not have to hear about some revisionist radical ideas about Tom Sawyer. Now, I don’t want to hear another word about this Huckleberry Finn layabout and his constant stream of racist slang, and if I hear so much as a peep about faking your own funeral, Tom Sawyer is not the only one who will catch the friction of the day, got it?

Now go to your room and work on your “Wuthering Heights” choreography. And those pirouettes better be weirdly clumsy this time!

Remember These 9 Bands That Guested on Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Posted on June 11, 2022 by Sam Eardley

Back in Y2K times, the best venue to catch hot, undiscovered bands wasn’t in New York or L.A. – it was the fictional nightclub “The Bronze” from the beloved series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. After each episode ended, fans would dial up their modems, hit the message boards, narrowly dodge the perverts asking “A/S/L” and then find out who that rad band playing in the background was!

But BtVS also managed to score some pretty high-profile musical guests in its time – see how many of these appearances you remember!

Smashing Pumpkins

Season 6, Episode 14 – “Drawn and Quartered” (2002)

Smashing Pumpkins stipulated that they would only appear on the show if they could be the cartoon versions of themselves from The Simpsons – which led to this groundbreaking all-animated spectacular. A lonely Dawn seeks solace in her favorite Simpsons episode “Homerpalooza”, but the whole of Sunnydale is dragged into her fantasy because of a demon or something. Ultimately, Billy Corgan considered the edit to be poor, and headed back into the studio to re-record all the animation himself.

Machine Gun Kelly

Season 1, Episode 10 – “Nightmares” (1997)

Remember 1997 when we all had “Billy Fever”? The breakout character of Season 1 was 7-year-old Billy Palmer, the kid in the coma from episode 10 who brought people’s nightmares to life through astral projection. Child actor Colson Baker went on to shoot a pilot for his own spin-off series “That Coma Kid!”, and he described the moment he heard it hadn’t been picked up as “the day I became MGK”. The only remaining copy of the pilot is believed to be on a spiked flash drive worn around his neck.

Anthony Head & The Cunty Buggers

Season 4, Episode 22 – “Restless” (2000)

Head, who played Giles the Watcher, had been lobbying for the inclusion of his band (whose name is much less offensive in the UK) since the show began. The hugely experimental “Restless”- made entirely of the main characters’ intertwined dreams – turned out to be the perfect vehicle. Giles instructs Willow and Xander through song, in a playful 1-minute segment that was edited down from the 140-minute version recorded on the day (which the band now plays annually at their wildly popular “CuntyCon” convention).

Danzig

Season 3, Episode 13 – “The Zeppo” (1999)

While the rest of the Buffy Gang are off flexing their special skills, “The Zeppo” focuses on everyman Xander on his own personal odyssey – out of the limelight, yet eventually saving the day. He is assisted by a mysterious, ghostly, acoustic guitar-playing waif named Joy – a part written with Juliana Hatfield in mind, but stolen by Danzig in the audition with a performance that the casting directors described as “somehow more Juliana than Juliana”.

Metallica

Season 5, Episode 1 – “Buffy vs Nhapsta” (2000)

A rare lapse of integrity from the Buffy team. In their zeal to secure Metallica’s guest appearance they made the fatal mistake of allowing the band into the writing room. What resulted was a hokey allegory about “vampire pirate” Nhapsta draining the blood from Sunnydale’s struggling working-class musicians. Nhapsta is finally defeated by a series of shrill clangs from an impossibly tight, haunted goat-skin bongo – which Lars Ulrich later credited as the inspiration for his snare sound on St. Anger.

My Bloody Valentine

Season 4, Episode, 10 – “Hush” (1999)

This experimental episode contains half an hour with zero dialogue, due to the sinister “Gentlemen” stealing the voices of everyone in Sunnydale. Because the speechless town is unable to muster the necessary 130 decibels to destroy The Gentlemen, Watcher Giles enlists old college friends My Bloody Valentine to play that one chord from “You Made Me Realise” for 41 brutal, ear-splitting minutes (which we hear in its entirety). Just before his head explodes, one of The Gentlemen breaks his vow of silence to tell another one “I’m a big MBV guy, but I just can’t get any enjoyment out of this”.

The Breeders

Season 7, Episode 6 – “Him” (2002)

The Breeders’ Kim & Kelley Deal agreed to appear on the show on two conditions. The first was that they could each kill a vampire at the end of their set, and the second was that they could write their own snarky wisecracks to say as they “dusted” their vamps. Kim went with “It’s the art of the Deal, bitch!”, and Kelley insisted on the tense-mangling zinger “I guess life Deal-ed you a bad hand!” Probably the best six seconds of TV in 2002.

Henry Rollins

Season 6, Episode 7 – “Once More With Feeling” (2001)

In this iconic episode, a dapper demon called Sweet causes chaos with a spell that renders the whole town unable to communicate except through song. Unluckily for him, that week’s “musical” guest Henry Rollins is immune to his enchantment – “If you think you can stop me doing a spoken word set you’re dead fucking wrong, pal,” says Rollins, before somehow crushing Sweet on his forehead like a beer can.

GWAR

Season 1 at Some Point (1997)

I mean, probably, even if it was by mistake. You can’t prove that they definitely weren’t in it.

Man Building Up Courage to Listen to Favorite Band’s Recent Stuff

Posted on June 10, 2022 by Ciara Murphy

SEATTLE — Local metalhead Stan Peters is preparing himself mentally and physically to finally listen to his favorite band’s most recent album which came out in 2017, confirmed multiple wary friends.

“I was devastated when Blackened Anvil went on hiatus. I’ve been listening to them since middle school and they really played a pivotal role in my teenage years,” said Peters during a recent cigarette break from, his job as a warehouse foreman. “I was stoked when they announced they were making a comeback, but I couldn’t just jump straight into it. I have been burned in the past by good bands releasing shit music and I didn’t want to be disappointed by my heroes. I’ve spent the last few years in therapy and made some pretty good breakthroughs. I learned that if this album is a steaming pile of shit, which it almost certainly will be, that it is not a reflection of my own self-worth. I’m almost ready to give it a listen.”

Housemate Scott Cheggs is taking necessary precautions ahead of his friend’s listening party.

“Stan comes off kind of rough, but deep down he’s very sensitive and is really passionate about music. Unfortunately though, if a band makes any deviation from the way they sounded on their debut record, he goes a bit off the wall. I listened to that Blackened Anvil album a few years back and it has four ballads, this will be a shit show,” Cheggs warned. “I only just got around to fixing the hole in the wall he punched after hearing Metallica’s ‘Lulu.’ Honestly, I don’t think we can afford another can of spackle.”

Blackened Anvil frontman Jeff Reaper says the band is working on even newer material that will be sure to please even the most cynical fan.

“I feel like this could be our best record yet. I started taking vocal lessons for the first time ever, so the screaming and yelling of our early releases are out the door,” said Reaper while warming up a theremin. “And we’ve all been hard at work constructing our own instruments and researching experimental noise techniques. You’d be surprised how many different notes you can make just by stroking a plum with a flathead screwdriver! It might not be for everyone, but we have the best fans in the world and we hope they’re gonna love it.”

At press time, Peter’s announced he is in such a healthy mental state he might be willing to watch an episode of “The Simpsons” from the latest season.

American Woman More Ranch Than Flesh At This Point

Posted on June 10, 2022 by John Danek

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Upholsterer Gianna Andrews stunned friends, family, and biologists with the discovery that her body consists more of ranch dressing than any other substance including water and blood.

“I had a feeling something like this would happen ever since we were teens,” stated lifelong friend Paula Conrad, who is admittedly more of a bleu cheese fan herself. “Gianna would slather slices of pizza with a fully opaque layer of ranch, or suck up the remainder in a bowl of salad with a straw. Utterly heinous, unforgivable behavior. But I love her, which is why I’m worried. There haven’t been any conclusive studies on cardiovascular capacity with regards to high ranch content. Yet she seems fine, for now. Let’s hope it stays that way.”

Andrews remains steadfast in her quest to fill the insatiable thirst for more and more ranch.

“Everyone is overreacting, I’m fine! They’re just making fun of me because I have a quirky love for ranch,” declared Andrews, who is starting to show dark flecks of peppercorns in her otherwise white eyeballs. “But it’s my body and my life—if I choose to wind down after a stressful day at the upholstery shop with a warm glass of Ken’s Chef’s Reserve Farmhouse Ranch with Buttermilk, that is no one’s business except for mine. Some are saying that ranch shouldn’t be the only fluid entering and leaving the body, and I’m here to prove the haters wrong.”

Researchers are astounded, dumbfounded, and profoundly disturbed by Andrews’ augmented physiology.

“A nurse tried to draw a blood sample, and it looked like when you mix ranch and Frank’s Red Hot. An understudy confused the mixture for buffalo sauce and dipped his turkey sandwich in it,” admitted Dr. Raymond Gass, Professor of Biology at the University of Alabama. “She should be dead, full stop. The fact that she is alive and still consuming even more ranch dressing defies everything I ever learned in school. Hemoglobin, spinal fluid, mucus, muscle—all of these are leaving Gianna’s body to make room for more ranch. I simply don’t understand it. David Cronenberg couldn’t fathom something this horrifying.”

At press time, Andrews did assure those around her that she draws the line at dipping her pizza in the condiment as “this ain’t some Ohio-ass bullshit, grow up.”

We Sat Down with Bono While Our Cult De-Programmers Kidnapped the Rest of the Band

Posted on June 10, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

U2 is one of history’s biggest and most acclaimed bands, and a lot of that acclaim has to do with the legendary stage presence and charisma of lead singer Bono. We were lucky enough to score an interview with the band, which allowed us to reach out to the families of the rest of the band, who have been unable to contact them for years.

We’re getting paid $1500 apiece to kidnap and de-program The Edge, Larry Mullins Jr, and Adam Clayton after decades of indoctrination, and all we have to do is keep Bono occupied for a few minutes.

The Hard Times: Hi Bono. Hello. It’s good to meet you. Can we offer you anything? What kind of water do you like? We have a lot of kinds of water.
Bono: No thanks, I’m fine.

Seriously, it’s not a program. Problem, we mean. We have tap water, spring water, smart water, mineral water… uh, let us think for a minute, what other kinds of water are there that we can mention without anyone looking anywhere but right at us.
I’m good on water.

Okay…how’d you get that name, Bono? It’s probably a really complicated story with lots of digressions, right? Take up at least 20 minutes or so, we bet.
My buddy Gavin called me that when we were teenagers. Just kind of stuck. What’s that noise?

There’s no noise in the other room! That’s not what the sound of three grown men struggling as someone puts a bag over their heads sounds like. Okay, damn. How about this: starvation in Africa?
It’s a complicated issue.

Fuck, man. That’s the briefest you’ve ever been about anything. We saw a video once where you talked about apartheid for like two hours between songs.
Well, a live performance is different from an interview. Have you seen The Edge or Paul? Those guys are supposed to be here.

Oh, they’re…around. So, what’s “With or Without You” about? It’s such a yearning, heartfelt song. Do you want to describe the rich emotions of the experience and maybe go into the recording process?
It’s about giving up smoking pot. Are those zip ties poking out of your pocket?

No, they’re not. Uh, tell us about the rich heritage of American songwriting and spare no detail about things Bob Dylan has said to you, okay?
Okay, I definitely heard The Edge scream for help.

He’s getting help you monster! I mean uh, is it true you one bought a first class airplane ticket for a pair of sunglasses?
Guards!

At that point, some armed guards ran in and took off after the official Hard Times unmarked van and Bono just threw a smoke bomb down on the floor. We should have charged more than $1500.

I Want My MTV! You Have 24 Hours or The Senator’s Daughter Gets It

Posted on June 10, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

Hey, what’s up, dudes and dudettes! I’m here to say I have a gnarly need for some radical music videos from the hottest musical acts around, from Billy Idol to Pat Benatar to the young people’s favorite, Pete Townshend! I want to see music videos 24/7 and I want some awesome hot pink animated graphics! I want my MTV!

You have 24 hours to get my MTV, or the Senator’s daughter gets it. Understand?

Listen, home buuuuuddies, you might be used to hearing boring grandpa music on your dusty old radios, but someone like me needs to turn up the intensity to the MAX. To the totally MAX. That’s why when I feel the need for some bitchin’ tunes, I need my MTV!

Do not try to find me. Do not deviate from my instructions in any way. Do not attempt to send Kurt Loder to the scene, gripping and poignant as his coverage would be. If I so much as suspect that your precious FBI Special Agent Lance Flint is trying to find the location of Senator Kilready’s daughter Hannah, she will suffer.

Do not test my patience.

All you have to do is provide me with some of those tight, tight music videos playing on a constant rotation. I’m talking Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield!” I’m talking David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance!” I’m talking the groundbreaking, totally bodacious “Walk This Way” video by Run D.M.C. featuring Aerosmith!

Does this lock of beautiful, lustrous blonde hair look familiar? I bet it does, Senator Kilready. Remember, hair isn’t the only thing that can be cut off your daughter. All it takes to prevent this is…MY goddam MTV.

If I am not sitting deeply in an oversized leather armchair wearing a pair of sunglasses while the sheer force of MTV on the television set sitting on the floor a few feet away from me blows my tie and a nearby lampshade back with gale-force winds, the Senator’s daughter will regret it. She will regret it most heinously indeed.

There will be no more warnings. There will be no more messages. FBI Special Agent Lance Flint is not to involve himself in my affairs or my music videos this time, cheeeuh! All it takes for Hannah Kilready to be returned to her loving parents is my MTV. Do not underestimate my most triumphant words.

Give me my MTV.

End communication.

Bassist Tosses Fingers Into Crowd Before Walking Off Stage

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Jake Spanier

NEW YORK — Layne Morris, the bassist of death metal outfit Crystal Casket, caused a scramble between audience members who attempted to retrieve the fingers he tossed into the crowd before exiting the stage, multiple sources with blood-stained shirts confirmed.

“When I saw Layne pull out gardening sheers I made sure I was in the right position to grab at least one finger,” said fan Robert Ellis, clutching a bloody clump of bar napkins. “When I felt a warm mist and it sort of tasted like pennies I knew he was about to make my dreams come true. He’s the reason I picked up a bass. I know he’s got sponsorships, so it probably doesn’t cost him anything to give stuff like this away, but it really shows that he’s always thinking of the fans.”

Morris greeted fans at Crystal Casket’s merch table after the show, where he reportedly howled through clenched teeth as rail vodka was poured over what remained of his hand.

“Metal used to be dangerous and I want to bring that spirit back,” said an increasingly pale Layne, fashioning a tourniquet out of his studded belt. “Now I look out there and all I see are a bunch of well-groomed dudes drinking hard seltzer and stopping the pit every ten seconds to look for someone’s glasses. I want to bring risk back into the equation. Euronymous, GG Allin, those guys took risks. If personal safety is your top priority, maybe a metal show isn’t the place for you. I lose pints of blood every single night, my doctor has no idea how I’m still alive, but you don’t see me crying about it.”

Longtime bandmate Brent Spaulding noted that Moriss’ behavior is part of an escalating pattern of one-upmanship between the two that has spanned more than a decade.

“We’ve basically been rivals since the day he joined the band. If I play fast, he plays faster. If I eat three gas station chili dogs, he eats four. If I get laid on tour, he starts a family in the next city,” said Spaulding. “I respect the hell out of the guy, but how much longer can this go on? Part of me wants to concede and tell him he’s won, to break the cycle forever and just go back to being friends that make music together. But in my heart I know it’s too late. Our lethal trajectory is set and all we can do is pick up speed as we barrel into the gaping jaws of ruin.”

At press time, Spaulding was overheard asking if they make t-shirt cannons big enough for a person to climb inside.

Sad: This EDM Scenester Is in It for the Music

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Dan Rice

For as long as there have been shows, there have been drugs at shows. There’s just one problem: Music is very hard.

One day the Joy Division producer guy had a brilliant idea: “What if we did away with the pretense of enjoying music altogether, and the whole thing was essentially a drug market?” He hired a few “DJs” to cobble together sounds that legally qualified as music, and the EDM scene was born!

While the popularity of the EDM scene has seen its highs and lows over the last 3 decades or so it still persists and just won’t die, and for one very specific reason: Cops hate loud noises. Unfortunately, one young man seems to be unaware of this fact, and pretty confused in general.

Eric Hernandez goes to EDM shows for the music. This sad sack is so desperate to be a part of something that he has somehow managed to convince himself that he enjoys literal noise produced as a smokescreen for the buying, selling and use of illegal narcotics.

Eric’s enthusiasm for electronic music is confusing and alienating to everyone around him, most especially those within the scene. Here’s what a few of his “idols and contemporaries in all things beatz” had to say:

“He came up to me outside the venue and went on and on about what a great ‘set’ I did, and I’m all like ‘yeah yeah, what you need?’ but he just kept going about how good my music was. I was just like “what the fuck are you talking about?” but, I guess he digs it? I mean, he called it ‘music.’ Weirdest experience I’ve ever had in my life, hands down.”
Tripp Sellz, EDM “DJ”

“At first I thought he was a cop but like, pretending to enjoy EDM? I think even a cop is smarter than that!”
Cindy Wellman, EDM “Fan”

“I thought maybe the poor guy just needed a friend, so I tried to be his friend, but you know what he wanted to do when we hung out? Listen to and talk about EDM. Maybe his brain is damaged? That’s the kindest explanation I can think of.”
Jimmy Perns, EDM “Fan,” “Healer”

“If I could score molly literally anywhere else, I would. The fact that this dude is here sober and of his own volition is fucking ponderous to me, and frankly unnerving.”
Abby Rodriguez, “Sound tech”

“I’m an inch away from tossing his weirdo-ass outta here for good. People work hard to organize these shows as a front for drug related business. People love drugs, and space is limited. Right now there’s some poor 15 year old kid looking to try acid for the first time and he can’t get in because this asshole took his spot. Anyone here who doesn’t have the intent to buy or sell is basically stealing from the scene.”
Bill Stubbs, Bouncer

Hey, if you’re an EDM fan then make sure you check out Your EDM and follow them on your social media platform of choice @youredm

This Sweet Godsmack Sticker Under the Urinal Cake Might Come Off if I Give It a Good Yank

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

Determination is the key to success. Personally, I define success as achieving goals that require perseverance. I’m not one to go for low-hanging fruit. I prefer a challenge. So if I can focus, buckle down, and give it a good yank, I bet I can get this sweet Godsmack sticker off this urinal.

I know it’s gross but they’re my third favorite band. Sure they’re not as popular as when they first came out but they had some really solid tunes. “FML,” “Whatever,” “Voodoo,” and so many more! “I’m not the one who’s so far away…” from that sticker! Plus it’s a rare one too, which is why I’m going to remove it with my bare cuticles.

I don’t want to mess the colors up more than they already are. The original background was black though, not that dark brown-orange color. But just look at the flames, the thick racing stripes, and the tribal sun rays. That’s high art.

See the slightly peeled-up corner? I won’t have to shove my thumbnail too far under it and then I’ll give it a really good yank. Sometimes you get those cheap stickers that come off in a million pieces when you try to peel them off, but not this one. It looks strong. If I have to pull the sticker tight and painstakingly scrape the little glue off from between it and the porcelain then so be it.

That sticker does not belong on a urinal. It should be on my Jeep or vape pen or something, not stuck here looking at pee holes all day. Look at it standing proud while these drunk guys drain their veins all over it, never knowing that they’re emptying the tank on art.

Okay, I’m going for it. Can you hold my beer though? I don’t want to set it on the floor. There are some really disgusting people here tonight.

Bottoms Unionize, Ask Tops for List of Demands

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Bottoms from all over Kings County have formally announced their intent to unionize, their representative recently said during a press conference.

“We, the submissives of Bushwick, have worked tirelessly for our dominants for far too long without the proper recognition, benefits, or compensation. It’s time for this to end,” said Vernon Windsor, the union representative and token switch. “As is customary with collective bargaining, we’d like to, um, enter negotiations, and we’d really like if the tops would go ahead and take care of the whole ‘list of demands’ thing. We really should have done this from the start but I guess you have to learn somewhere. Thank you, Mistress.”

Union member Rainer Poole provided some insight into the organizing process.

“This was a pretty straightforward effort, to be honest. The service subs were super eager and easy to work with,” Poole said while thoroughly cleaning a pair of Doc Martens that were definitely not theirs. “But I’ll be honest with you—the brat contingent proved difficult to win over. I honestly think those guys just get off on being snippy little contrarians. We got them in the end, though, when ‘Sir’ Vernon Walters threatened to use his ‘Top Voice.’ That shut ‘em up and made ‘em cum real quick.”

The tops were quick to respond with a counter-offer during negotiations, as usual.

“We, the tops, have heard your announcement and are honestly a little impressed. Very good job!” the top representative Mistress Sterling said, patronizingly smirking. “We went ahead and put together a list of chores and assignments for you all, and we expect them to be done in a timely fashion, and we will be listening for you to ask for permission, won’t we?”

“And if you’re extra good, we promise to make the reward worth your while,” they added.

Upon realizing that the tops misunderstood their request, the flustered bottoms still promptly agreed to take care of all of this for them, not a problem!

Photo by Jana Miller.