Hey, what’s up, dudes and dudettes! I’m here to say I have a gnarly need for some radical music videos from the hottest musical acts around, from Billy Idol to Pat Benatar to the young people’s favorite, Pete Townshend! I want to see music videos 24/7 and I want some awesome hot pink animated graphics! I want my MTV!
You have 24 hours to get my MTV, or the Senator’s daughter gets it. Understand?
Listen, home buuuuuddies, you might be used to hearing boring grandpa music on your dusty old radios, but someone like me needs to turn up the intensity to the MAX. To the totally MAX. That’s why when I feel the need for some bitchin’ tunes, I need my MTV!
Do not try to find me. Do not deviate from my instructions in any way. Do not attempt to send Kurt Loder to the scene, gripping and poignant as his coverage would be. If I so much as suspect that your precious FBI Special Agent Lance Flint is trying to find the location of Senator Kilready’s daughter Hannah, she will suffer.
Do not test my patience.
All you have to do is provide me with some of those tight, tight music videos playing on a constant rotation. I’m talking Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield!” I’m talking David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance!” I’m talking the groundbreaking, totally bodacious “Walk This Way” video by Run D.M.C. featuring Aerosmith!
Does this lock of beautiful, lustrous blonde hair look familiar? I bet it does, Senator Kilready. Remember, hair isn’t the only thing that can be cut off your daughter. All it takes to prevent this is…MY goddam MTV.
If I am not sitting deeply in an oversized leather armchair wearing a pair of sunglasses while the sheer force of MTV on the television set sitting on the floor a few feet away from me blows my tie and a nearby lampshade back with gale-force winds, the Senator’s daughter will regret it. She will regret it most heinously indeed.
There will be no more warnings. There will be no more messages. FBI Special Agent Lance Flint is not to involve himself in my affairs or my music videos this time, cheeeuh! All it takes for Hannah Kilready to be returned to her loving parents is my MTV. Do not underestimate my most triumphant words.
Give me my MTV.
End communication.