HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Upholsterer Gianna Andrews stunned friends, family, and biologists with the discovery that her body consists more of ranch dressing than any other substance including water and blood.
“I had a feeling something like this would happen ever since we were teens,” stated lifelong friend Paula Conrad, who is admittedly more of a bleu cheese fan herself. “Gianna would slather slices of pizza with a fully opaque layer of ranch, or suck up the remainder in a bowl of salad with a straw. Utterly heinous, unforgivable behavior. But I love her, which is why I’m worried. There haven’t been any conclusive studies on cardiovascular capacity with regards to high ranch content. Yet she seems fine, for now. Let’s hope it stays that way.”
Andrews remains steadfast in her quest to fill the insatiable thirst for more and more ranch.
“Everyone is overreacting, I’m fine! They’re just making fun of me because I have a quirky love for ranch,” declared Andrews, who is starting to show dark flecks of peppercorns in her otherwise white eyeballs. “But it’s my body and my life—if I choose to wind down after a stressful day at the upholstery shop with a warm glass of Ken’s Chef’s Reserve Farmhouse Ranch with Buttermilk, that is no one’s business except for mine. Some are saying that ranch shouldn’t be the only fluid entering and leaving the body, and I’m here to prove the haters wrong.”
Researchers are astounded, dumbfounded, and profoundly disturbed by Andrews’ augmented physiology.
“A nurse tried to draw a blood sample, and it looked like when you mix ranch and Frank’s Red Hot. An understudy confused the mixture for buffalo sauce and dipped his turkey sandwich in it,” admitted Dr. Raymond Gass, Professor of Biology at the University of Alabama. “She should be dead, full stop. The fact that she is alive and still consuming even more ranch dressing defies everything I ever learned in school. Hemoglobin, spinal fluid, mucus, muscle—all of these are leaving Gianna’s body to make room for more ranch. I simply don’t understand it. David Cronenberg couldn’t fathom something this horrifying.”
At press time, Andrews did assure those around her that she draws the line at dipping her pizza in the condiment as “this ain’t some Ohio-ass bullshit, grow up.”