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Bassist Tosses Fingers Into Crowd Before Walking Off Stage

NEW YORK — Layne Morris, the bassist of death metal outfit Crystal Casket, caused a scramble between audience members who attempted to retrieve the fingers he tossed into the crowd before exiting the stage, multiple sources with blood-stained shirts confirmed.

“When I saw Layne pull out gardening sheers I made sure I was in the right position to grab at least one finger,” said fan Robert Ellis, clutching a bloody clump of bar napkins. “When I felt a warm mist and it sort of tasted like pennies I knew he was about to make my dreams come true. He’s the reason I picked up a bass. I know he’s got sponsorships, so it probably doesn’t cost him anything to give stuff like this away, but it really shows that he’s always thinking of the fans.”

Morris greeted fans at Crystal Casket’s merch table after the show, where he reportedly howled through clenched teeth as rail vodka was poured over what remained of his hand.

“Metal used to be dangerous and I want to bring that spirit back,” said an increasingly pale Layne, fashioning a tourniquet out of his studded belt. “Now I look out there and all I see are a bunch of well-groomed dudes drinking hard seltzer and stopping the pit every ten seconds to look for someone’s glasses. I want to bring risk back into the equation. Euronymous, GG Allin, those guys took risks. If personal safety is your top priority, maybe a metal show isn’t the place for you. I lose pints of blood every single night, my doctor has no idea how I’m still alive, but you don’t see me crying about it.”

Longtime bandmate Brent Spaulding noted that Moriss’ behavior is part of an escalating pattern of one-upmanship between the two that has spanned more than a decade.

“We’ve basically been rivals since the day he joined the band. If I play fast, he plays faster. If I eat three gas station chili dogs, he eats four. If I get laid on tour, he starts a family in the next city,” said Spaulding. “I respect the hell out of the guy, but how much longer can this go on? Part of me wants to concede and tell him he’s won, to break the cycle forever and just go back to being friends that make music together. But in my heart I know it’s too late. Our lethal trajectory is set and all we can do is pick up speed as we barrel into the gaping jaws of ruin.”

At press time, Spaulding was overheard asking if they make t-shirt cannons big enough for a person to climb inside.