Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Bottoms Unionize, Ask Tops for List of Demands

Posted on June 9, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Bottoms from all over Kings County have formally announced their intent to unionize, their representative recently said during a press conference.

“We, the submissives of Bushwick, have worked tirelessly for our dominants for far too long without the proper recognition, benefits, or compensation. It’s time for this to end,” said Vernon Windsor, the union representative and token switch. “As is customary with collective bargaining, we’d like to, um, enter negotiations, and we’d really like if the tops would go ahead and take care of the whole ‘list of demands’ thing. We really should have done this from the start but I guess you have to learn somewhere. Thank you, Mistress.”

Union member Rainer Poole provided some insight into the organizing process.

“This was a pretty straightforward effort, to be honest. The service subs were super eager and easy to work with,” Poole said while thoroughly cleaning a pair of Doc Martens that were definitely not theirs. “But I’ll be honest with you—the brat contingent proved difficult to win over. I honestly think those guys just get off on being snippy little contrarians. We got them in the end, though, when ‘Sir’ Vernon Walters threatened to use his ‘Top Voice.’ That shut ‘em up and made ‘em cum real quick.”

The tops were quick to respond with a counter-offer during negotiations, as usual.

“We, the tops, have heard your announcement and are honestly a little impressed. Very good job!” the top representative Mistress Sterling said, patronizingly smirking. “We went ahead and put together a list of chores and assignments for you all, and we expect them to be done in a timely fashion, and we will be listening for you to ask for permission, won’t we?”

“And if you’re extra good, we promise to make the reward worth your while,” they added.

Upon realizing that the tops misunderstood their request, the flustered bottoms still promptly agreed to take care of all of this for them, not a problem!

Photo by Jana Miller.

Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now

Posted on June 8, 2022 by Bobby Korec

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now, sources who reminded him there are plenty of bands in the sea confirmed.

“At the moment, I’m only interested in a no strings attached one-night band practice,” said Kellington while Instagram-stalking his ex-band from high school to see what they had been up to. “My last band was together for a good five years, which is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in unless you count my girlfriend who I’ve been with for eight. Regardless, I just want to have some fun and play the field right now before jumping back into something serious. However, I might be willing to partake in some sort of ‘band with benefits’ type situation in the meantime. Absolutely no drama though.”

It’s no secret that Kellington has been playing with other bands in an attempt to get over his previous one.

“He got pretty emotional when we played a cover of ‘Holiday in Cambodia’ which I guess his old band used to cover on special occasions and anniversaries,” said Kaleigh Harris, drummer for the band The Christopher Lloyd. “He recently joined us at one of our practices and he really felt like ‘the one’ who could complete our band. But when he didn’t return our phone calls and straight-up ghosted us I realized he merely saw us as some sort of floozy. Total dick move.”

Experts compared the experience of being in a band with other forms of human connection.

“A band is exactly like a romantic relationship, so you might go through a period after a rough breakup where you’re downright reckless with your actions,” said music historian Rebecca Flynter. “For example, most musicians need a ‘rebound’ band or two after experiencing a serious breakup. Look no further than Dave Grohl. Once Nirvana was forced to break up, that guy jumped around from band to band, like Queens of the Stone Age, Them Crooked Vultures, and that decades-long fling that’s somehow still going on called Foo Fighters. He’s clearly still reeling from emotional anguish.”

At press time, Kellington revealed that he was getting back with his old band but vowed that “this time would be different.”

Photo by Craig Howe.

Help! I Told Everyone That I Liked This Album but Then Anthony Fantano Reviewed It and It Became Objectively Bad

Posted on June 8, 2022 by Dustin Newman

Last week I found my new favorite album. I listened to it immediately after it came out and I thought it was great! I told all my music-loving friends about it and invited them all over for a listening party next week. I told them to be prepared for an album that mastered indie rock while redefining it completely. I knew I was about to up my music cred with my whole friend group. At least that’s what I thought before I clicked on The Needle Drop review of the album and found out I was apparently wrong. Help!

I clicked the link and my heart sank immediately when the yellow flannel shirt I’d expected was nowhere to be seen. How can Anthony Fantano not see how heartbreakingly beautiful this album is the way I do? Even more heartbreaking is the thought that all my friends are gonna watch it too and think I have bad taste.

I can’t believe I told everyone whose opinion I care about that I loved an album that is now objectively bad. Even worse, now I think I have bad taste! How could I have been so wrong about what I liked? I was on a real hot streak too. The last three albums I recommended were only met with two “meh”s and one person even gave it an exclamation point react in the group chat. Now any credibility I had built up is gone.

This is the last time I base my music taste on an ARTV video.

Oh No: 35-Year-Old in Community College Class Trying to Better Self Raises Hand

Posted on June 8, 2022 by Brendan Krick

HARRISBURG, Pa. — 35-year-old community college student and single mother Rebecca Steiner has bummed everybody out by raising her hand to contribute some sort of little anecdote, her exhausted, stoned, or apathetic teenage classmates have confirmed.

“As a mother, I have a lot of wisdom to share with my philosophy class, like how I get to see the nature versus nurture experiment play out right in front of me,” Steiner stated. “I do everything I can to raise my kids the right way, but I still see their father Dale in their personalities, like when Benjamin set his babysitter on fire. That’s classic Dale.”

Steiner, who last attended college 16 years ago before getting pregnant, has consistently raised her hand at least once per class period to overshare a bizarre personal story tangentially related to the lesson being discussed according to her classmates.

“I don’t care about what you learned working a dead end job for ten years, and I certainly don’t want to hear about how having a child changed your outlook,” complained 18-year-old Matt Giovingo. “God, her life is so dark. I just put my headphones in everytime I hear her say, ‘As a mother…’ She never comes out and says it but I think she wants us to piece together that he’s in prison for life after murdering a convenience store clerk. God, this woman’s life is so dark. I don’t even know why she’s trying to better herself this late in life. The world doesn’t need another dental hygienist.”

Not everyone was so negative about Steiner’s contributions. 29-year-old Karl Briggins shared his appreciation for her unique perspective.

“I felt the same way as these kids about the older students when I was in community college the first time, but then I dropped out and worked at Autozone for eight years, gained some humility, and now, coming back as an adult…” Briggins trailed off, eyes widening. “Oh god, I’m one of the old people in class.”

At press time, Briggins was seen raising his hand to share an unnecessary, non sequitorial life lesson he’d learned having an argument with his father-in-law.

Review: Offenders “We Must Rebel”

Posted on June 8, 2022 by Kevin Tit

Each week The Hard Times takes a look back at a classic album. We also listen to it and review it. This week, we take a look at Offenders “We Must Rebel.”

This 1983 release from the Austin, Texas punk legends has been highly regarded for decades. Rightfully so. It’s a perfect hardcore record. Fast. Raw. Perfection. However, in recent years it’s come under fire after many on the internet started speculating that there may be a direct correlation between it and Joe Rogan being inspired to relocate his compound to the capital of the Lone Star State.

Rumor has it that Joe stumbled across the band while googling potential podcast guests. It’s said that something about their name really resonated with him. In my honest opinion, I think it had something to do with his distaste for political correctness. That’s just me though. Anyways, I guess the album he ended up checking out was this one. He’s admittedly not much of a punk rock guy but he could appreciate the aggression in the music.

He started playing it to get pumped up before recording new episodes and I guess one day had the epiphany. The only way he was going to be able to combat this new lefty Hollywood cancel culture mainstream ideology was to, as the title of the album suggests; Rebel. So he bailed on LA and brought his ass to the only place that made sense to him. Somewhere he was free to be his own Offender in peace.

Before long he started telling all his like-minded millionaire friends who were also sick of being oppressed. That’s why Elon Musk, James Van Der Beek, James Marsden and many more followed suit. Again, this is all just internet speculation. But, and again this is only my opinion, the rumors track. That doesn’t take away from the fact that this record kicks ass. If I were a rich Hollywood mother fucker who was getting frustrated by critics bad mouthing me for being paid millions of dollars to spout racial slurs and false facts, I’d probably do the exact same thing.

SCORE: 3.5/5 hits of DMT in a sensory deprivation machine.

Drummer in Small Scene Sucks in Four Different Bands

Posted on June 7, 2022 by Chris Bowen

ALBANY, N.Y. – A severe drought of talented drummers within the local scene is forcing multiple bands to recruit novice percussionist Trevor Hogue despite his complete lack of ability or sense of time, confirmed multiple frustrated sources looking into drum machines.

“It’s awesome to be asked to be in so many bands,” Houge said as he clumsily warmed up on pads. “It can be overwhelming, I mean I just go my first kit a few months back and it seems like I get 10 messages a day asking me to play in a new band. But I’m getting decent feedback, the bassist in Portland Concrete said to me ‘You play fast man. Like wayyy too fast.’ He also said the intense, strained faces I make while I play don’t make it look like I’m shitting my pants and it isn’t distracting at all. Which is such a relief, because most of the time I’m holding my breath back there and I feel like I’m about to pass out.”

Todd Keller, Frontman for the band Atom Smasher, explained his band’s desperate need for a drummer.

“Trevor sucks complete shit,” said Keller. “But we’re left with literally no other options. I got a buddy that’s a solid ass drummer, but he lives all the way in Cleveland so having him be our drummer or even having him play our upcoming one-off benefit show just isn’t realistic. The one plus to having Trevor on drums is while no venue trusts him using their house kit, he has a nice big SUV so he’s always good about bringing his own. And he has a really nice jam space right next to a Taco Bell which rules.”

Dale Coretti, a drummer who formerly lived in Albany and was a member of 46 different bands at the same time, weighed in on the drumming scenario.

“I am so glad to be out of that shithole town,” Coretti stated. “The pressure just got to be too much. A few years back, I relocated to Brooklyn where I was only asked to be in two bands. I felt like I could breathe again, these new bandmates even asked for my input on four different occasions. But that Albany scene was rough and it doesn’t sound like it’s changed too much. Power to this sucky guy though, hopefully he comes to his senses and realizes he’s being taken advantage of and switches to guitar. That’s the only way to truly escape this living hell.”

At press time, it was rumored that the city’s only keyboard player was asked to be in a YES tribute band after being in Rush, Genesis, Asia, and Europe cover bands already.

Photo by Joshua Lozano.

Instagram Dog Saving Cutest Content for OnlyFans

Posted on June 7, 2022 by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — Popular internet dog Muppet announced early yesterday afternoon that his cutest content will be going behind a paywall via the website OnlyFans.com, according to a recent statement.

“Listen up you little cuddle piggies,” said the nine-month-old half-lab/half-pit bull “good boy” with over 500k followers on Instagram. “I know what I got and I know what it’s worth. If you want to keep enjoying all of my hot, tail wagging, ball chasing, so-cute-it-turns-your-day-around action, go to my new OnlyFans and smash that ‘subscribe’ button.”

The move has caused a rift in the young pup’s fanbase, with many accusing Muppet of “selling out.”

“I love Muppet, like love love love that dog I’m OBSESSED, but knowing he’s panting and wagging just for money ruins it for me,” said Instagram follower and “top fan” badge holder on YouTube, Rich Wakatsuki. “Frankly I find his practice of allowing only his hot subscribers to come rub his belly for ‘content’ is amoral and off-putting. I remember when this page meant something. Sorry, but I’m unfollowing. Whore.”

While naysayers have been extremely vocal, some of Muppet’s more loyal fans have embraced the move.

“It makes me feel more connected to Muppet knowing I’m supporting his furry ass,” says fan Martha Belview. “As far as I’m concerned my membership paid for itself the second my DM of ‘Whose a good boy?’ was marked ‘Read.’ And his page features photos and videos of explicit, hardcore adorableness. I love seeing Muppet doing tricks for Snausages, trotting around in cute outfits, and even playing with other popular dogs for $9.99 per month. Get that bag, king.”

At press time, Muppet posted a teaser on Instagram of himself and a bulldog wearing matching sailor hats, captioned, “Had a hot time with Mr. Peanut Butter! Subscribe to my OF if you wanna see these two thicc good boys get down to sniffin.”

My Partner Asked Me To Be More Spontaneous So I’ve Started Canceling Our Plans Last Minute

Posted on June 7, 2022 by Max Barth

My wife and I are hopelessly in love. We share a life of laughter and growth. Our only problem? She wants me to be more spontaneous. Well, I’m more than happy to oblige. That’s why I’ve recently started canceling our plans at the last minute.

I believe it’s important to listen to your partner in order to really hear what they’re trying to communicate about what they need emotionally. So when my wife brought up the spontaneity issue over breakfast one morning, I apologized for my selfishness, agreed with her immediately, and told her I would henceforth no longer be attending her best friend’s wedding that afternoon. As I stuffed my bowtie into the garbage disposal, the shocked look on her face made it clear that she realized she has a man who will cater to her every need.

The change has been good for our sex life, too. I have begun waiting until we are in the throes of passion, only to suddenly leave the apartment to get an ice cream sandwich. She was initially frustrated, probably because I forgot to get one for her as well (I am still human after all). That can be remedied, of course, on future excursions. I have a growth mindset.

All in all, a life of spontaneity is not for the faint of heart. Frankly, I doubt that most husbands could handle this kind of criticism in the first place. My wife is so happy with the change, she’s recently handed me a large packet of what I can only assume are handwritten love letters.

Of course, I won’t be reading them, as I’ve just decided to go kayaking instead.

How I Got a Six-figure Job With Confidence Alone and Then Promptly Lost It Due to Incompetence

Posted on June 7, 2022 by Mimi Kenny

Confidence is everything. Don’t believe me? I don’t care because I believe in myself. Plus, thanks to my confidence alone, I was able to land my dream job. However, that wasn’t enough to prevent me from losing that job three weeks later as a result of my overall ineptitude.

I’ll never forget when I first saw that listing on Indeed. My heart skipped a beat. I saw the qualifications they were looking for and, while I did not process them, I knew I could land this job as long as I believed in myself and nailed the interview. Now, I can’t tell you what I said in that interview. I just remember the confidence coursing through me, imbuing every fiber of my being with absolute strength. I let myself feel unstoppable and the result was a salary four times greater than I was making before. Until one and a half paychecks later after I was proven to be a disaster.

When I started the job, I kept that confidence with me. I was sure it would guide me to heights even greater than the ones I had already reached. Every decision would be made with confidence and confidence alone. And when I didn’t know something, I wasn’t going to ask for help. I’d figure it out on my own because I had confidence.

I may have been let go due to “poor performance” and “an utter lack of any conceivable skills” after just under a month. But this experience didn’t dampen my confidence. Because when you believe in yourself, you can achieve anything! So even though all those people died in that accident I caused due to gross incompetence, I’m sure the judge will let me off the hook after my trial. You know why? Because I have confidence.

Godsmack Tattoo Around Step Dad’s Bellybutton Still Sexy

Posted on June 6, 2022 by Yancy Lee Crawford

LAKEVILLE, Ind. – Townsfolk are bracing for waves of fiery lust caused by local sex symbol Scott Bailey’s distended, green Godsmack bellybutton tattoo as shirtless outdoor summer activities begin, aroused witnesses confirmed.

“The Scott Bailey that drank a fifth of Goldschläger and got this tattoo in 2001 was a different guy. I haven’t punched a kid with long hair because he didn’t support the troops or cried while karaoking Linkin Park in years,” Bailey admitted while shopping for swimming trunks and lube. “But I’m grateful for him because the tribal pattern around my oblong outie has locked down a lifetime of raw dog sex. Whether I’m jamming Disturbed and washing my F-150 or mowing the lawn, once I take my shirt off, it’s over. Married, single, gay, straight: doesn’t matter. Nu metal-inspired tribal tattoos press everyone’s freak button.”

When questioned about the tattoo, Bailey’s stepdaughter Jessica Johnson admitted the tattoo gracing the sultry curves of her stepfather’s leathery beer belly casts a spell on anyone that sees it.

“90% of the time, that guy is fuckin’ cringe. His hobby is making bootleg Back the Blue merch in the garage,” Johnson stated while scrolling Tik Tok. “But I’ve seen post-menopausal women slide off their seats and my girlfriends cream their jorts after getting a peek at that splotchy Wiccan sun. Not to be weird or anything, but I low-key get why my mom dumped my dad for Scott now.”

Justine Horvath, owner of Twisted Wayz Tattoo Parlor, is stocking extra ink and needles for men eager to replicate Bailey’s sexual accomplishments.

“Since Scott’s last pool party devolved into an eighteen-hole, no-rules fuckfest that clogged every jet in the hot tub, you wouldn’t believe how many people have asked about stomach tattoos,” remarked Horvath while standing outside a packed waiting room. “They think they’ll get a Dave Matthews Band tattoo on their hip and crush ass, but they also need shitty outlining, alcohol bloat, a goatee, and heaps of Republican ideology. Fuck it though because Scott’s sex life is great for business.”

When asked about the infidelity caused by the tattoo, Bailey’s current wife Hillary Walker-Bailey explained that her husband can fuck and suck his way through town provided the sun can still rise on her.

Each week The Hard Times takes a look back at a classic album. We also listen to it and review it. This week, we take a look at Offenders “We Must Rebel.”

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