Couple Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex With Other People

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PORTLAND, Ore. — Recently engaged couple Bonnie Drake and Dexter Hummits revealed their intentions to wait until marriage to have sex with other people, sources who wondered if they thought that plan through confirmed.

“I’ve already caught myself thinking about other people during sex with my fiancé, so you can say I’m totally ready to get hitched,” said Drake while checking Instagram to see what an old ex had been up to recently. “What can I say? I’m pretty traditional when it comes to marriage. I just feel like our wedding night will be that much more special when the romance has completely fizzled out mere hours after saying ‘I do’ and the only way to fulfill my needs sexually is to sleep with Jerry in HR because we kind of flirted in the break room that one time. Dex also agrees that it’ll be more personal if we wait.”

“Super curious to finally know how he’ll perform in bed for the very first time with someone else. I wonder if it’ll be like how I always imagined it,” she added.

Friends of the couple urged them to ditch the outdated tradition.

“Literally no one waits until marriage to sleep around anymore,” said longtime friend Eve Summerville. “That’s like something they did in the ‘50s when women weren’t even allowed to do hot yoga. Honestly, Bonnie and Dexter should be like a normal unmarried couple and cheat on each other immediately. How will they know if they’re right for each other if they’ve never been intimate with other people while they were committed to each other before? Big mistake, guys.”

Experts, however, noted that waiting could have positive effects.

“There are a surprising amount of benefits couples experience when waiting until marriage to do a variety of things,” said family counselor LouAnn Miescke. “For instance, couples who wait until marriage to have sex with other people actually divorce less. Also, those who wait until marriage to talk about big picture topics like finances, whether they want children, and which direction the toilet paper roll goes often note that it really spices up the relationship to a degree that really shocks the system. It’s almost like it’s better to go into a marriage fresh without asking too many questions beforehand.“

At press time, Drake and Hummits admitted to performing oral sex on other people before they were married noting that “it doesn’t count if there’s no penetration.”

Review: Underoath “Voyeurist”

Posted on by John Danek

Underoath are one of the few post-hardcore and metalcore bands from the 2000s who have only gotten heavier with age. They continue to push their limits with their 9th studio album “Voyeurist.”

As far as I know, Underoath has never been in a court of law as suggested by their name. Well, that’s about to change as I sue their asses for using my life story without permission all over “Voyeurist.”

There is a mountain of evidence that this album is about me. Let’s take a look at the third track: “I’m Pretty Sure I’m Out of Luck and Have No Friends.” You basically have my autobiography right there in the title. I can’t tell you how much money I’ve lost at the Brony track, where I bet on who will win that pageant at Brony conventions. I always lose. So yeah, I have no luck. And I think it’s a foregone conclusion that I don’t have any friends whatsoever. This will be incredibly simple to prove to a jury.

How about the album title “Voyeurist”? The few people who do know me are mostly my neighbors who complain about the fact that the telescope in my bay window points directly into their bedrooms. I wish they would understand that I’m simply trying to determine the thread count of their bedsheets; I’m no perv. But people shout things like “Peeping Tom,” “creep” and the one English Professor I live near is always yelling “voyeurist” at me every day when I walk to my car! And don’t even try searching my name on the Nextdoor app.

If that weren’t enough, there are so many other songs on this album that are taken directly from aspects of my life. It’s absolutely shameless.

“We’re All Gonna Die?” Yep, so am I.

“Take a Breath?” Believe it or not, I breathe every single day of my life.

“(No Oasis)?” I will famously put a bullet in any jukebox which starts to play “Champagne Supernova.”

Come on Underoath, just admit that you’re totally obsessed with me! Hell, maybe the title of the album is about the band’s fixation on me. Maybe they’re watching me right now, waiting for my next move to inspire a new song… Let’s just say if I ever see a new Underoath single called “Cooking Grilled Cheese With My Dick Out”, you’ll hear from my lawyer REAL quick.

Score: 4/5 Gavel Smashes

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I Wonder If My Music Students Would Think I’m Cooler Knowing How I Fucked And Sucked My Way Through The Local 90s Ska Scene

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Man, I wish these students knew how cool I used to be! It’s no secret that they don’t give two shits about me or this music class. To them I’m just boring Mr. Hucks, a lifer at this community college waiting for his retirement to kick in.

If I could only tell them that back in my day it was more like Mr. Fucks, maybe I’d finally get some street cred. These kids are constantly talking about gender fluidity, but standing right in front of them is the OG of that shit, before it was trendy. Fucking. Sucking. Hands stuff too, TONS of hand stuff, with all genders. As long as someone was in the 90s ska or ska adjacent scene, old Hucky was down to party!

“Black coat, white shoes, black hat, Cadillac, Yeah! The Huck’s a fuck bomb!”

These kids would lose their shit if they knew people used to sing that song about me. Sure Rancid wouldn’t have been caught dead in my lame ass town, but the crew down at the local basement venues I frequented, who knew I was always DTF wrote it for me anyway!

These twenty-somethings aren’t able to get past the pleated Dockers and stuffy Oxford shirts that this place makes me wear, to see my true, authentic, ska-tastic self. But I bet it would blow their minds if they knew how I used to skank the fuck out of the scene!

See skank there has a double meaning, referring to the popular ska dance and to the fact that I was a total whore.

They might even think I was cooler after I told them how at first I didn’t know that skanking was a form of dancing, that had nothing to do with me whoring myself out to every new band trying to cash in on third wave ska, just so I could belong to something. Talk about a ‘FAIL’, as these generations love to say, but then again ‘YOLO’!

Look, I get it, I used to think my teachers were “lame” too. If my boring old biology teacher Mr. Bently tried telling us he was a Rock and Roll sex freak back in the day, I would probably call bullshit. But lo and behold, ole Bently got caught hiding a camera in the girls bathroom, just like Chuck Berry! It just goes to show you can never really tell how cool someone is deep down.

Musician Only Wants to Get Famous Enough That She Could Meet the Goal of a Medical GoFundMe If Necessary

Posted on by John Danek

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — No wave/post-punk musician Isla Porter’s only goal in music is to become famous enough to meet a GoFundMe goal should a medical issue arise, the musician’s collaborators reported.

“Look, music is great and all but I don’t need to blow all the way up, I just would like to know I have a little security in the future. God knows I won’t ever have enough money saved to help me if I fall loading into a venue or if this scab gets any more infected,” said Porter, whose minimum wage side gigs offer no benefits whatsoever. “So I think all I need is like, two Pitchfork ‘Best New Music’ awards, and I should be able to get enough people to donate or at least share any fundraisers for the next decade. I don’t need to be nominated for a Grammy or given free guitars by Fender. I just don’t want to die for something stupid.”

Gretchen Carlisle, spokesperson for GoFundMe, revealed that over 85% of the company’s campaigns are for musicians.

“GoFundMe is increasingly being used by indie musicians who rely on us for fairly typical medical bills,” stated Carlisle. “And it makes sense. If you want to put effort into any sort of creative vocation, you should know that you are taking your life into your hands. We provide the platform, but your audience better show up to help you out. I wish Isla luck but I’ve seen her Spotify numbers so I’d encourage her to take out some loans and go back to school.”

James Murphy, frontman of LCD Soundsystem, admitted to starting the behemoth festival headliner act out of a similar fear.

“Not many people know this, but I recorded the first LCD demos hours after I felt a lump on my testicle in the shower. It ended up just being my epididymis, but it scared the shit out of me,” stated Murphy, whose wine obsession started after reading that wine may contain cancer-fighting compounds. “My prime artistic motivation has been to be able to pay off medical bills. ‘All My Friends’ is a fantasy about everyone chipping in for knee replacement surgery when I’m old. And ‘Daft Punk is Playing At My House’ is about a failed fundraiser I tried to host for an upcoming root canal.”

Experts agree that Isla Porter’s chances at survival dropped dramatically after a disgruntled ex gave her most recent EP a 1-star review on Amazon.

Is It Intrusive Thoughts or Is My Taint Actually Way Too Long?

Posted on by James Knapp

Before I run back upstairs to get the tape measure again I want to be absolutely sure about this. If it is just an intrusive thought then that’s fine. I’ll just let it pass by, a bit bothered, but ultimately okay. But I have to be sure. Because if it does turn out that my taint is more than two standard deviations longer than average, I am just gonna lose it.

I know I’m probably just being dramatic and there’s no way that the stretch of skin between the back of my balls and my butthole is any more or less extended than anyone else’s. But I swear, when I caught a glimpse of my taint in the mirror while getting out of the shower I was sure it looked like a descended batwing.

I don’t want to think about this at all but I can’t stop myself. Now every day I have these intrusive thoughts about how it’s “unsightly and flappy” or it “looks like a pale, fleshy Fruit by the Foot.” Why do I keep having these thoughts? Could it be true?

I tried to ask my therapist about this but that guy refused to inspect the length of my taint entirely. He just kept screaming about how it was his day off and he didn’t know how I got his home address. Well, I’m sorry, but you know what I don’t know? Why my testicle backdrop has more square footage than most commercial recreational vehicles.

If anyone knows how to stop these intrusive thoughts please help, because I don’t know how much longer I can go on with thinking that I might need distance surgery to get my scrote and asshole closer together.

Straight Woman Can’t Wait to Introduce Boyfriend as “Partner” to Lesbian Friend

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

BROOKLYN, NY — 35-year-old straight woman Jenny Spencer wasted no time introducing her boyfriend Mike Kang as her “partner” to her lesbian friend, Beth Castillo.

“I have waited for years to develop a strong enough friendship with a lesbian to start hanging out. I think I might have that with Beth,” stated Spencer. “Also, I watched the original ‘L-Word,’ so I basically know all the lingo. When Beth met Mike, I was so excited to finally say ‘partner’ instead of ‘boyfriend.’ It’s really important for straight people to do that for gay people, I’m sure.”

Kang, an electrician from the Bronx who’d started dating Spencer a year ago, was slightly surprised by the introduction.

“At first I wasn’t sure why Jenny wanted to go to a lesbian bar, but then she wanted me to meet her friend Beth,” said Kearns. “She introduced me as her ‘partner’ though, which was kinda weird. I thought maybe she was doing a cowboy impression or something since she drank so much before we got there, but Jenny told me that co-opting language is how you show solidarity with gay people, so that’s cool. Plus they had the Yankees game on at the bar.”

Professor of Sociolinguistics, Julie Jensen, argues the effort to be politically correct in conversation can sometimes backfire.

“The nervousness around being PC with a gay person is often overstated by the straight person,” Jensen explained. “Then again, if you are not being ‘inclusive’ with your language, that’s cause for concern. Studies show that women who identify as straight will call boyfriends anything from their ‘partner’ to ‘life companion’ or even ‘soul mate’ if they perceive a gay person, or even anyone else more marganilized than them, is within a 20-yard radius.”

At press time, Kang was introducing Spencer, the woman he’s been sleeping with exclusively and talking to every day for five months, as his “special lady friend, or whatever” to his closest straight guy friends.

Help! I Ironically Bought A Hawaiian Shirt And It’s The Most Comfortable Thing I’ve Ever Worn

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

It all happened so fast. My wife and I just purchased an L-shaped couch, and I was tasked with the horrifying mission of finding some matching throw pillows to bring the whole living room together. I know, it’s the lamest, whitest, most 30 something year old thing a guy could do, but hey I’m getting older. It’s gonna happen sooner or later. While I was getting ready to leave one Walmart to head to a different one across town, I saw it from across the aisle. The loudest, most obnoxious, flower covered Hawaiian shirt I have ever seen in my life. I had to have it.

The price? 13 bucks. The cost? I think I’m still finding out.

At first blush I was hypnotized. I rushed home, and ran to the bedroom. I tore it off the hanger and suited up. Let me tell you, you have not experienced true, unbridled comfort until you’ve slipped into one of these bad boys. I went to show off my new look at the local sidewalk cafe, but I was getting dirty looks. “They’re just jealous” I thought. But when I went to order my drink, I was cornered. They kept yelling something about “go home boogaloo boy,” and I had no clue what they were talking about.

The situation escalated quickly, so I grabbed a nearby tiki torch to defend myself. Apparently that made matters worse because that’s pretty typical behavior I’ve since been told. It all got a little fuzzy after that point, but I had to call my wife to pick me up from a holding cell shortly after. She made me wear a garbage bag over my shirt on the way home and kept telling me she knew this would happen.

We’ve all been misguided by irony at one point or another, and we’re all captivated by its allure. Whether it’s saying a slang word like “hella” or “fleek” for fun and realizing months later that it’s just now part of our lexicon, or even worse going to the driving range on a larf and winding up spending every Saturday drinking iced tea and lemonade on the back 9. But god dammit, I liked that stupid shirt, and I still don’t really see how it was hurting anybody.

I’m a big guy! My fashion choices are very limited! I just wanted to take a big swing with my wardrobe for once, I don’t understand how that makes me “part of the problem.”

Take this as a cautionary tale of the dangers of embracing irony. The insincere things you say and do will eventually consume you. I thought I was just going to eventually switch over to sandals and grill pineapple every once in a while. Maybe even make one of those giant mixed drinks that are served out of a fish bowl. But now I’m on a watch list because I like the way cotton and rayon feels against my nipples. Oh well, live and learn

Crust Punk Can Only Piss Self When People Are Watching

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

BEND, Ore. — Local crust punk Exena Groman admitted that she is only able to relieve her bladder if multiple people are watching and it causes immediate distress for anyone in the surrounding area, confirmed friends that no longer let her sleep on their couch.

“I can, and have, pissed pretty much anywhere, but find it so much more rewarding when there are people yelling ‘dear god please stop before you get it on my child,’ and stuff like that,” said Groman. “They call it ‘peeing yourself,’ but when people are watching, it makes me feel less alone for a few seconds. I was inspired to do this by my dog Darby, he pees in public all the time, and he even stares me right in the eyes when he shits on the sidewalk. I want to be more like him. I think we should all have the freedom to blast shit and piss wherever we want, and if people are around to see it then it’s even better for me.”

Groman’s boyfriend, Lenny “Shank” Capshaw, doesn’t seem too comfortable with his partner’s technique of expelling waste.

“I’m not some conservative type that only pees in pristine toilets like I’m the King of England, but she goes out of her way to do it in front of crowds even when there’s an open bathroom. She used to say it was me and her against the world, but now she gets so excited when strangers are around,” said Capshaw. “It’s like she’s putting on a performance. I love her, but I’m having a hard time supporting this disgusting aspect of her life. She was always proud to call herself a gutter punk, but these days it seems like she only uses gutters for pissing. We used to squat in abandoned apartments. Now she squats everywhere.”

Chaz Tompkins, a psychiatrist who specializes in the crust punk subculture, thinks it might be more of a mental issue.

“The crustie lifestyle is communal at heart, but some of these people forget the roots of it all,” said Tompkins. “It’s like they want to mark their territory, but they push people away with their odors. They crave attention but get upset when people make faces or talk shit. Nothing lines up. They’re as out of touch with society as they are with the crust punk essence. That’s why I left the scene. There’s no art anymore.”

At press time, Groman was seen releasing puddles of urine, while belting out a Rancid song at a live punk rock karaoke show.

Photo by Jana Miller. 

GG Allin Hologram to Throw Feces at Coachella

Posted on by John Kennedy

Indio, Calif. — Goldenvoice announced this week that Coachella will close out with a bang this year, as a revolutionary new hologram of GG Allin will chuck his feces directly into the crowd, excited sources confirmed.

“It’s been ten years since we brought the Tupac hologram to the world and we wanted to top ourselves by bringing to life another legend that we lost too soon,” said Goldenvoice CEO Paul Tollett. “We’re psyched that GG will be a part of Coachella. It should really mix things up to have him up there. Plus the abundance of human feces flowing from the inadequate bathroom facilities should provide plenty of ammo.”

Engineers were still working out the kinks as to whether said feces would also be a hologram, or in fact be “real human doo-doo [sic].”

“We don’t know exactly what he’ll be working with. We’re developing a new hybrid technology that would allow a hologram to interface with the real, tangible world,” said Cal Tech engineer Bev Trill, Ph.D. “Obviously if he’s throwing real crap it would create a more exciting, visceral experience for all involved, but we still have a lot of work to do before we can make that happen.”

Allin, who passed away in 1993, left a gaping hole in the scene for people who preferred a live show rich with bodily fluids.

“So far the closest they’ve come to sending a turd into the crowd was when Muse played.” said longtime Coachella fan Jenny Spiegel. While Spiegel personally had no interest in being muddied by the likes of Allin, she looked forward to his antics leveling the playing field among the VIPs. “Hopefully they can program the thing to hit Jonah Hill.”

Cleanup is sure to take several weeks following Allin’s simian-like closing act, but promoters think they’ve struck gold. “If this goes as well as I hope, I’d like to take hologram GG on tour. Maybe franchise it out and have him play in several cities at once. I really think we’ve stepped in something good!” exclaimed Jerry Thompson, CFO at Goldenvoice.

While Allin’s act was considered extremely shocking in his time, today’s concertgoers, like Spiegel, said it would hardly be the most egregious thing to hit Coachella. “I don’t think it’s any more offensive than a white girl wearing a bindi.”

Mom Takes Haircut Personally

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

CHILLICOTHE, Ohio — Local mom Phyllis Marlon filed a private defamation lawsuit against her daughter, Lisa, after the fourteen-year-old returned home from a trip to the Guernsey Crossing Mall sporting a green and yellow mullet with spiked bangs.

“I am shocked and saddened that a member of my own family would do something like this to me,” said the elder Marlon. “I’m still processing the trauma I’ve endured from the recent actions of my daughter, and while this lawsuit may have no basis in criminal court, I pray that this civil case will provide sufficient justice for me to begin the healing process.”

Little brother Jeffrey Marlon, who got an up-close view of the fallout from his spot at the dinner table, reported that the scene at the Marlon household upon his sister’s return was “better than Dragonball.”

“When Lisa took her hood off my mom screamed worse than when I asked the minister where God came from. Then she started crying and said Lisa was just trying to get back at her for making her wear those hair ribbons to her kindergarten graduation,” the 10-year-old recalled. “Then one of Lisa’s eyeballs got stuck in the top of its socket and she had to go to the bathroom to sort it out and while she was in there mom searched Lisa’s backpack and confiscated her Tic Tacs because Jesus doesn’t hang with drug heads.”

Diane Martin, a neighbor, and member of Phyllis Marlon’s garden club witnessed Lisa walking home with her new coiffe before the altercation occurred.

“I knew right away that the Creek West High PTA Facebook page was going to be very entertaining that night, and I was not disappointed,” she said as she unloaded seven grocery bags of instant white rice from her Dodge Caravan. “Shelley Plymoth posted a picture of one of those little yellow fellows in the overalls with the exact same haircut. I’ve never seen so many laugh-crying emoji comments on a single post in my life. And when that ‘unmarried’ teacher with the double pierced ears started defending Lisa, well I just broke out the chardonnay and settled in for the evening.”

At press time, it was confirmed that Lisa Marlon was in talks with her cool aunt Maureen as de facto legal counsel and someone with whom to talk shit about how much wine her mom drinks.