Conservative Podcaster Unsure If Toddler Who Shot Pregnant Mother Is An Abortionist or Second Amendment Hero

Posted on by John Danek

NASHVILLE – Right-wing podcaster Skyler Donelli admitted he is having difficulty choosing a side in the debate over whether a toddler accidentally shooting its mother is an evil act of abortion or a virtuous example of using one’s second amendment rights.

“This one’s tough—on one hand, little Braxton exercised his Jesus-given right to bear arms when he shot his mother with a Glock G31 .357. I bet castle doctrine will play a role here, especially if his mother was some sort of femi-nazi bitch who was asking him to clean up Legos,” mused Donelli on his Truthblast podcast. “But she was pregnant, so Braxton also killed an unborn, defenseless person in fetus form. This is absolutely murder and maybe he should be jailed for life. Wowzers, I could see this going either way.”

“One thing is certain, if you’re looking for supplements that power your mind and body then you need to be using OmegaMan to get the most out of your workouts. Use the promo code ‘truth’ for 10% off at checkout,” he added.

Longtime listeners of Donelli’s Truthblast podcast were similarly torn on the issue.

“If Skyler can’t form an opinion on the event, how can I possibly be expected to? He basically the mouthpiece of our generation,” said conservative listener Ned Bockwell, who is commonly seen wearing Truthblast merch. “I’ve been checking other sources, and Tucker Carlson has been fixated on the white population decreasing while Ben Shapiro vigorously defends the last thing J.K. Rowling said. Until one of these visionaries shares their thoughts on the Braxton shooting, I’m undecided. I have the same Glock as Braxton which is cool, but maybe he should spend the rest of his life behind bars anyways.”

Experts in the field of media studies described how conservative commentators fall back on established formulas and tactics to maintain their fanbases.

“Right-wing talking heads love to make privileged white people feel persecuted every chance they get, and their listeners always take the bait,” explained Dr. Sheila Platt, professor of media studies at Vanderbilt University. “Braxton’s case is interesting because it is a uniquely American tragedy. No other country has to worry about stupid accidents like this happening. I have no guess as to whether gun-owners or pro-lifers will be the louder babies in this scenario.”

Donelli’s confusion reportedly deepened after it was revealed that little Braxton enjoys playing with a police car but also dressing a Ken doll in Barbie’s clothing.

If You Think A Subway Tuna Sandwich Is Bad, You Should Try Watching Your Brother Marry The Only Woman You’ve Ever Loved

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

If there is one thing people really care about, it is a high-quality, flavorful lunch that won’t hit your wallet too hard. And if there is one thing we all agree on, it is that Subway sucks. But let me tell you, if you think a Subway tuna sandwich is as bad as it gets, you should try watching your brother marry the only woman you love. Trust me, some four-day-old generic whitefish and mayo looks pretty good after that!

We can’t say that everything at Subway is a terrible disappointment, unlike every morning we wake up without her. The Italian Herbs and Cheese bread? Not bad. The White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies, baked fresh daily? Actually pretty damn good. That tuna sandwich ranks pretty low on the list of the world’s most ubiquitous fast-food chain’s menu, but it is definitely a whole lot better than realizing that moment in the cathedral that you should have let her know how you felt, even once. But now it’s too late.

And yeah, we know about these dubious yet persistent lawsuits that claim that Subway’s tuna isn’t even actually tuna and that DNA tests on their ingredients show the presence of pretty much every edible animal except tuna. But far worse than pretending that mystery meat is high-quality, wild-caught, 100% tuna is knowing that the love between the older brother who you always looked up to and the girl whose smile took a bite out of your heart the first time you saw her when she and her family moved in next door when you were kids and you grew up as a trio of inseparable pals but it became apparent that you were just the kid and she didn’t feel that way about you is not the real thing either. Not compared to what you feel.

Sure, a Subway tuna might give you diarrhea, but not diarrhea of the heart. Only love can do that.

And we’re not saying a Subway Tuna sandwich is actually good, even blended with their trademark creamy mayonnaise and topped with your choice of crisp veggie selections. It sucks. It sucks the big one.

But it sucks an even bigger one to see her the happiest she’s ever looked and knowing she’s looking into his eyes instead of yours. To know that you’re standing there, the so-called “best man.” To know that maybe you could have done something. Said something. But that would have ruined everything.

Just like a Subway tuna sandwich will ruin anyone’s lunch. Fuck, this thing actually is terrible.

We Sat Down With Anthrax’s Scott Ian And He Wouldn’t Let Us Touch His Chin Beard But We Kinda Felt It With Our Neck When We Hugged Goodbye

Posted on by John Danek

VH1’s “I Love the 80’s” is one of my favorite shows ever. Get a bunch of comedians, TV personalities, and pop historians together, then let the good times roll. And no single face left a more indelible mark on the recesses of my mind than guitarist Scott Ian’s.

His pink, purple, or green little cotton candy beard was a middle finger to expectation, fashion, and taste. And it’s been my lifelong dream to touch it. So I landed an interview with the man behind the beard and shot my shot.

THE HARD TIMES: Thanks for joining us Scott! Your beard is looking mighty natural today.
SCOTT IAN: Ha ha yeah, I haven’t been dying it much lately. It got to be annoying trying to keep it pink or green or whatever.

Hmm, I guess that’s ok. I’m more interested in the texture anyw-
What? What are you talking about?

I’ll just cut to the chase. Let me touch it? Please?! Please let me touch that fuzzy little marshmallow of a beard.
No, absolutely not.

Aw come on, it’s just begging for my fingers to dive through it. It looks like it tastes good.
No, and if you ask again I’m ending this interview.

Ok, well then. Fine. Whatever. So…. hmm, it says here you played in a band called Ant Tracks?
Anthrax, and we’re still around. You haven’t heard of Anthrax? Fine, you must not be a metalhead.

Yeah, not much. My favorite bands are Metallica, Megadeth, Testament, Exodus, Overkill, Annihilator, Voivod, Vektor, Exumer, Pantera, and Nuclear Assault.
And you’ve never heard of Anthrax? Ok, you’re fucking with me.

Nope. But I have a friend who is interning at Nuclear Blast records. If you give me a demo tape, I could pass it along to her?
Jesus, dude. We’ve already been on Nuclear Blast. You asshole.

[The rest of the 2-hour long interview has been redacted for length. We got back on track and covered topics such as the importance of heavy metal, dealing with loss and depression, and Ant Tracks’ upcoming album. Boring stuff like that. But what is notable is that when we were done chatting, I had bonded with Scott so much that we hugged. And you may not believe it, but when we pulled away, I felt his little tuft of chin velvet grace my shoulder and neck. And it was glorious. Electricity shot all over my body. It was everything I hoped it would be. My arms went up top for the hug so a few hairs of the beard also grazed the back of my hand. I can die happy now.]

Punk Counts “Good Teeth” With Tongue

Posted on by Tim Graham

CHANDLER, Ariz. — Gina Feldspar, bassist for punk band Piss Ritual, performed a periodic inventory of “good” and “bad” teeth by using her tongue to count, according to a bandmate.

“I admit the ratio is becoming concerning,” said Feldspar after completing a recent thorough probe of each tooth with her tongue. “I counted twenty-one good ones. That’s down from twenty-six at the last count. I’ve even got a wiggler on the upper left. I’m trying to book us a tour date in Mexico where dental work is a lot cheaper. I can’t afford to do it in the U.S. I mean, I just got Fest tickets so my funds are a little low right now.”

Acquaintance and scene veteran Lawrence “Snaggletooth” Albrisi was dismissive of the idea of dental treatment in general, and expressed no regrets about not visiting the dentist regularly himself.

“Gina’s fine, she doesn’t need to go to a dentist,” said Albrisi. “I haven’t been since I was a kid. I don’t even brush. You know fluoride is a mind-control chemical, don’t you? Plus, I’ve saved a ton of money by not wasting it on dentists or doctors. How do you think I got these full sleeves and my sick record collection? You just learn to adapt and avoid things like apples and taffy. I say look at Shane MacGowan. He never went to the dentist and he did all right.”

Dr. Olivia Gould, an orthodontist who specializes in treating dentist-averse punks and metalheads, asserted that while money is an issue, the main reason for avoiding treatment is odontophobia, or fear of the dentist.

“They’ve got this tough image to uphold, but most of them are really just scared,” explained Dr. Gould. “We’ve done everything we can to make them feel comfortable at our office. The walls are covered with Iron Maiden posters and xeroxed show flyers. There are band stickers all over the exam chair and cabinets. We’ve got a TV and can put on whatever the patient requests to help them get their mind off of the procedure. Most of the punks choose ‘Repo Man’ or ‘Green Room.’ Metalheads go for movies like ‘Evil Dead 2’ or ‘Hellraiser.’ We’ve had a lot of requests for ‘Mandy’ lately, too.”

At press time, Feldspar was reportedly observed covering the “Check Engine” light on her 1998 Hyundai Accent’s dashboard with black electrical tape.

How To Practice Self-Care By Muttering Threats Under Your Breath While Staring Vapidly Off Into The Middle-Distance

Posted on by James Knapp

According to all of those non-union life coaches we follow on Instagram, mental health is important. Self-care can be practiced in many forms and everyone has their own approach, but we here at The Hard Times believe that sometimes the old ways are the best ways.

Here are our helpful tips for getting the most benefit out of sitting in a darkened room alone while you update your enemies list like a psychopath.

Atmosphere is everything.
The first thing to consider when practicing self-care is a healthy environment in which to do it. We suggest a cramped, bare room lit only by a single, flickering lightbulb dangling overhead. This will help you avoid distractions and really focus on how everyone who ever wronged you is going down in a fury of hellfire like they’re never known before.

Do your prep work.
It’s easy to think you can approach a hollow and unsettling thousand-yard-stare without proper preparation. But in order to really engage with your self-care routine, you’ve gotta have a game plan. We recommend bracing one or fourteen shots of economy brand bourbon and then clearly visualizing how your ex-spouse is being sexually satisfied by her personal trainer in ways you can’t even imagine.

Have some knives handy.
For utilitarian purposes, it’s always smart to keep a selection of cutting implements close at hand. We recommend rusty and preferably already blood-spattered hunting knives but whatever works best for you to sharpen methodically as you make unblinking eye contact with the exploded power outlet in the corner.

Go with the flow and have fun!
Self-care isn’t all rigid preparation and diligent knife accumulation — sometimes you just gotta freestyle it. Need to temporarily break your middle-distance stare to reassemble an M1 rifle? Go for it! Throat parched my constant muttering? Maybe just try muttering louder. The most important thing is to just have fun, and to remember that your ex is a fucking lying asshole. Never, ever forget that.

Haribo Releases Smaller Gummy Twinks

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

BONN, Germany — CEO of candy company Haribo, Hans-Guido Riegel, announced yesterday that the company will expand its line of candies to include gummy twinks in addition to its beloved Goldears.

“Here at Haribo, we prioritize the happiness and satisfaction of all of our customers, no matter age, race, religion, or sexual orientation,” said Riegel. “For far too long, bigotry and ignorance have halted the representation of many minority communities. Over the last one hundred years, Haribo has been known for making traditional gummy bears, but it has become our priority to foster the same representation for twinks from this point forward. Especially since we are now entering Pride month, we want to celebrate all lovers of love and candy in the least effective way possible.”

Consumers weigh in on Haribo’s decision to support the LBGTQ community with their new, slimmer model of gummy candies.

“It’s better than nothing, I guess,” said local twink Jonathan Johnson. “Living as a gay man, I am always rooting for more queer representation. Every year it seems like marketing teams have been trying to get gayer and gayer every Pride month. I’ve been seeing so many advertisements with rainbow logos, but this year it seems like Haribo went all out. It’s not exactly the representation I was hoping for, but the candy is tasty, so yeah why not?”

Civil rights expert Sandra Gonzales analyzes the social impact of this new candy.

“Honestly, it’s better than whatever the hell those other corporations are doing for the gays,” reported Gonzales. “Ever since these companies realized that minority pandering is a huge cash grab, these idiots have been pulling out every card in the book. Gummy Twinks are just the beginning. Some companies have donated thousands of dollars to support underprivileged queer people. At least the gummy Twinks aren’t affiliated with any child slavery lawsuits like at Nestlé.”

At press time, witnesses reported seeing Reigel’s eyes burst into dollar-sign shapes while muttering, “cha-CHING,” to himself repeatedly.

Review: Blink-182 “Buddha”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at the demo that started it all for the late ‘90s early ‘00s kings of pop punk Blink-182 and their album “Buddha.”

Blink-182 has excelled at writing catchy pop punk songs for decades, and putting on “Buddha” is like listening to the band’s gritty origin story. It’s like the band’s prequel to their entire discography. But much like the Marvel cinematic universe, Blink-182 has a universe all their own. They even share characters from different band universes along the way.

If you’re a nerd like me and exclusively watch MCU movies in timeline-specific order to maximize your sexual prowess at parties, you’ll definitely want to listen to Blink-182’s albums in this exact sequence to get the authentic experience as intended.

“Buddha” (1994)
We’ve already established that this is their origin. Start your listening journey here or risk failing to attain true Blink-182 fandom.

“Blink-182” (2003)
Self-titled albums are typically code for a band’s debut. Never mind that this is like their fifth or sixth studio album. Clearly, Blink wanted us to listen to this album immediately following their “Buddha” prequel.

“California” (2016)
We all know that each universe takes place in an exact location that must be established early on or else the audience will be completely lost. Thanks to this album, we know that Blink-182 takes place in the Golden State.

“Enema of the State” (1999)
Every good entertainment franchise has a villain that’s introduced not too early and not too late. This album debuts Blink’s arch nemesis, the dreaded enema. I think we all as an audience can root against that.

“Take Off Your Pants and Jacket” (2001)
Now that the band has built up a healthy backstory, we finally get some action. That’s why this album is next. Action-packed and full of hits, this one will have you at the edge of your seat.

“Cheshire Cat” (1995)
After all that action, a universe will characteristically take it down a notch before picking up again. So why not calm down by throwing a cat into the mix?

“Dude Ranch” (1997)
Every universe has some sort of sexual tension three-quarters of the way through. Blink-182 is no different. That’s why they recorded an album with several skits involving sexual relations with a horse.

“Nine” (2019)
Wikipedia lists this record as their eighth studio album, yet it’s called “Nine.” In the business, this is called an Easter egg. Not sure the meaning behind it, but keep that nugget of trivia in your back pocket.

“Neighborhoods” (2011)
This album ends in a cliffhanger that makes it very much clear its place in the series. However, I simply will not divulge the twist out of respect for the community. No spoilers! Anyway, fingers crossed that JJ Abrams produces the next entry in the B182U.

SCORE: Two thumbs up a horse’s butt.

/**/

Man Sitting Alone in Car Wasting Taxpayer Money Arrested for Impersonating Police Officer

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Local library systems technician Gary Harris was arrested early Tuesday and charged with impersonating a police officer after it was determined he was sitting around doing nothing on the taxpayer dime, confirmed law enforcement officials.

“While two of our uniformed officers were on a routine breakfast stop they noticed Mr. Harris sitting alone in his car looking at his phone,” said Police Chief Daryl Baker. “After about 90 minutes of observation, our officers approached the vehicle. When they saw a city-issued parking pass on his car they realized the suspect was clearly a drain on taxpayer funds and decided to apprehend him for impersonating an officer of the law. We want to make this perfectly clear to any municipal workers, crossing guards, janitors, and anyone else who works for the government—only police officers are allowed to sit around and do absolutely nothing for all hours of the day, and only police officers are allowed to doctor their pay statements to reflect substantial overtime pay.”

Harris’ court-appointed lawyer says contesting the charges will be an uphill battle.

“They have him dead to rights. He admitted to sitting in his car while he was on the clock as a city employee. He also admitted that he was half-listening to the radio and mumbling racist things under his breath. That is pretty much the definition of impersonating a cop,” said public defender Walt Leguza. “I’m going to do the best I can to show that Mr. Harris is a law-abiding citizen with no criminal record. God forbid I find out that my client planted drugs on someone. If that’s the case then he might as well have just put on a police uniform and pulled someone over for speeding.”

Crime analysts note that there has been a sudden spike in arrests for people passing themselves off as cops.

“A man was arrested in Bakersfield last week for domestic abuse and immediately they tacked on ‘impersonating a police officer’ to his charges. The same thing happened to some gang members that were accused of intimidation and racketeering,” said Sanda Levy, who runs a police watchdog group in Los Angeles. “Although I don’t agree with these people getting extra charges, it’s hard to deny that they are doing the same exact things every cop around the country does.”

At press time, multiple police units in Annapolis were intentionally ignoring a radio call about an active shooter.

Doctor Prescribes “OK Computer” Reissue to Pitchfork Editor Not Responding to Viagra

Posted on by Tom K

MINNEAPOLIS — Music publication Pitchfork is at the center of what might be the next medical breakthrough for male health after the FDA approved the first use of Radiohead to treat erectile dysfunction in lonely, pretentious men.

“There’s a bit of urgency in the field right now,” said Dr. Armand Strolger, head of medical research at Spotify. “We’re making up for lost time because, up until now, we had no idea that the music criticism community was sexually active. Now that we know there’s a need, we’ve discovered an almost Pavlovian response to wispy, opaque nonsense in which the mere mention of updated liner notes or bonus tracks can trigger a hormonal reaction capable of jump-starting an underused, decrepit libido. In fact, one of the participants in our clinical trials went through three pairs of pants during an unreleased Neutral Milk Hotel rarity.”

“Because it focuses on male health, experts expect the treatment to be fully funded, available, and covered by insurance by early next year,” he added.”

While the identity of the patient receiving the inaugural treatment has not been officially announced, it has been highly speculated that Pitchfork contributing asshole Chet Nathanson will be the first to achieve what has been called ‘the king of limbs.’

“This development could not have come any sooner,” Nathanson wrote for his personal blog. “My marriage is completely falling apart. The relationship between me and my partner started out as a mint Kid-A-on-vinyl, but now we’re at Greta Van Fleet. I’m desperate to try anything before we hit critical Jet’s-second-album levels.”

The news of this emerging music intervention has not been welcomed by everyone, however. Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke has been a vocal opponent of the procedure since it was first announced.

“Like, enough already. I mean I like my own band too, but goddam. The guys and I can’t even leave our flats without an erotic gift-basket full of sex dice and whipped cream from Pitchfork being left by our front door. I even think they bugged my phone. The other day I was setting up an appointment with my cardiologist…three days later I saw the confirmation voicemail listed as a demo on some ‘True Love Waits’ bootleg B-side.”

At press time, Thom Yorke and Radiohead have released a cease-and-desist against Dr. Strolger which quickly received a 9.8 from Pitchfork.

No Kink At Pride Unless You’re My Best Friend’s Hot Dad Walter

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Pride month is about inclusion and that means including everyone. Parades should be safe spaces for people of all gender expressions, sexual orientations, and ages to experience. Put simply, this is why I do not support kink at Pride events: It makes some people feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

But if Walter–my childhood friend’s smoking hot dad I’ve had a crush on since 8th grade–told me that kink and fetish culture belongs at Pride, well, sorry, that’s another story.

Seeing burly bodies clad in just a harness, combat boots, and a jockstrap is absolutely inappropriate for a child. The image could really haunt them, taking hold in their developing brain for the rest of their life. Like when I was a teenager at a sleepover and saw Walter walk down the hall after a shower in just a towel, his chest hair dripping wet and every curve of his lower half illuminated under that thin layer of sopping cotton. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can’t even look at white towels anymore without having to adjust my pants. Don’t show excessive skin at Pride!

Nor would I wish the torment of BDSM to be present at celebrations of our virtuous LGBTQ+ culture and history. Ball gags, bondage, and leather switches are literal methods of torture and that kind of thing has no place at Pride. Now, if Walter ever asked me to submit to his dominant will and refer to him exclusively as sir, that would be totally different. I’d let sir Walter flog me anywhere, with zero regard to our surroundings or onlookers. But that’s not the case, unfortunately, so no BDSM at Pride for anyone, period.

On that note, puppy play in public is nothing short of reprehensible. No one should be getting walked on a freaking leash while wearing a spiked dog collar and dog mask, panting on all fours in heat. It’s honestly embarrassing for everyone involved. But if Walter ever called me his pup and told me in his deep, booming voice to roll over like a good boy, I’d immediately oblige for my trainer. Doesn’t matter where: I’d let him rub my belly and spank my ass with a rolled-up newspaper in front of a full family of Mennonites right on Main Street.

Fuck that’d be hot. Yet alas, Walter probably doesn’t remember I exist, no matter how loud I would bark for him. So please, leave your puppy play at home this June!

In conclusion, the perverted pleasures of consenting adults exploring their greatest fantasies should not taint the wholesome festivities of Pride. But Walter, if you’re reading this, I beg you to give me a call. Ben told me your divorce is finally over and you haven’t dated in years. I’m all grown up now and know how to please you better than any straight woman could! You won’t regret it.

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