Guy Can Get You Deal on 500 of the Shittiest Stickers You’ve Ever Seen

Posted on by Amanda Russel

FRESNO, Calif. — Local sticker hook up Archie Sutherfield said he would love to talk to you about an incredible opportunity and deal that he doesn’t do normally, but for you, he’ll make an exception.

“You’re gonna be so glad you got in on this deal. You can’t get five hundred stickers like this anywhere else for this good a price,” said the salesman, full of conviction. “I’ve worked with everyone you can think of in the scene, and some real big hitters, too. Ever heard of Blistered Sternum? I made all their stickers. Simple as 1, 2,3—you take down my number, yeah? That way you can get ahold of me if you can’t find me around, that’s my guy and he’ll page me and we can talk numbers and designs.”

Sutherfield hightailed it out of the parking lot after hearing a distant police siren, which left you with some options to weigh.

“This guy seems weird, but maybe he could be legit?” you wondered, looking at the contact info he left and barely making out the numbers, and for some reason, letters. “What area code is this, anyway? It’s for sure not Fresno. Do I need stickers this bad? I mean it is a great deal, but the downside is that those were the shittiest stickers I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m pretty sure they’re printed on newsprint, and a few of them looked like they were just temporary tattoos from one of those 50 cent machines at the grocery store.”

One of Sutherfield’s past customers, Lindsey Davies, recalled what she claims is the “dumbest mistake I’ve ever made,” adding that Sutherfield is full of shit and not to be trusted.

“Yeah, I found his ad on Craigslist, and at the time I was desperate, my band was going on tour and we needed stickers really bad, so I took the deal and thought, how bad can they be? Real fuckin’ bad, turns out,” she explained. “They don’t stick, they peel off right away, they’re printed on flimsy-ass paper and when they get wet the ink runs everywhere and stains everything. And all the colors are completely different from what I asked for. I warn everyone I know the best I can. I would have been better off using mailing labels.”

Sutherfield, however, holds on to his claim of high quality, and currently continues to take drive-ups in the parking lot behind your local Target.

At press time, Sutherfield was taking a much-needed break from his sticker company to field an inquiry about his side hustle creating the worst album cover art ever seen by anyone.

Help! My Girlfriend Still Hasn’t Heard The Marriage Proposal Hidden In My Band’s New EP

Posted on by Rachel Steele

I love my girlfriend Sammy. She’s the most supportive and kindest human being I’ve ever known. She attends every show with my band, Twisted Fister, and she listens to all our music regularly. At least, that’s what I thought, but now I’m not so sure. It doesn’t seem like she has heard the marriage proposal I’ve hidden on the last track of Twisted Fister’s newest EP.

I had my suspicions the day after I sent Sammy the link for the EP. I asked what she thought of it, she said “It was great, babe,” At first I took that as a “yes,” and went right into planning mode. “I was thinking April, we can have your family come down, but not your racist uncle, we can serve empanadas and French fries, I have a buddy who can get us a real nice deal on a limo…” But then I noticed how confused she looked. She was all “Why would we take a limo to dinner?” and “I don’t think they have empanadas at Chipotle babe.”

Sammy is a notorious procrastinator, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt for a couple days. Days became. weeks. I started dropping hints, but they went over her head. I asked her what she thought of the EP, she said “It was great, babe.” I asked about the last track, with the solid lyrics and the exciting bridge and that totally insane last chorus, then she said, “Oh man, that was so great, babe,” without looking up from her phone.

It’s getting pretty uncomfortable. My bandmates are starting to ask if she’s heard it yet, my mom is getting in my head suggesting she already heard it, and her enthusiastic parents are struggling to hide their surprise engagement party favors. I had a new plan to make the song her ringtone, but she answers her phone super fast. I sat her down and played the song for her, but she got bored.

Twisted Fister may have broke up three months ago, but tomorrow I‘m going to invite Sammy to a super exclusive private show, no distractions, round up all the band members, hire a drummer since fucking Linda left to become a cop, and play the whole EP in its entirety, with an accompanying slideshow. Nothing can go wrong.

I’m also posting this on our fan page, which she manages, just to cover all of our bases. Wish me luck, and thank you for continuing to support Twisted Fister in whatever form it takes. Looking like maybe a solo act. A very solo act.

Drummer Can’t Believe Rude Neighbors Constantly Pounding on Walls During Practice

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local drummer Brendan Molina cannot believe how unbelievably rude his neighbors are being by constantly pounding on the walls of their shared apartment complex while he is trying to practice his instrument, sources indicate.

“It’s is really fucking unacceptable how low the lack of common courtesy here is,” said Molina while trying to ignore the ceaseless thumps coming from every wall of his efficiency apartment. “I have a show on Saturday, and if I don’t have the breakdowns timed perfectly then we will be a laughing stock. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I should be able to concentrate on practicing my art in the privacy of my own home. I try to practice at times when it won’t bother people, like early before they have to get up for work, but all I get is dirty looks in the parking lot. Bunch of savages in this place.”

Molina’s next-door neighbor Beatriz Yang took exception to his complaints.

“Listen, I get it, he needs to practice,” Yang said while uselessly adjusting a white noise machine. “I respect that someone has an artistic goal and goes for it, I really do. And everyone in the building has tried to reach out to him. We even asked the building super Ted (Downing) to get him some better soundproofing for his place and said we’d chip in if that would solve the problem. Ted said that he said that ‘will make him feel like he’s suffocating’ and that a drum solo ‘lives and breathes in the freedom of sound,’ whatever that means. We really all try, but sometimes you just snap and start hitting the wall. I mean, I’m an ER nurse and I’ve been getting so little sleep with all that drumming, I nearly fell asleep on a gunshot victim.”

“It’s okay, he didn’t make it anyway,” Yang added.

Tobias Riddle taught Molina drum lessons for two years and supports his former student completely.

“I think those selfish sons of bitches in that apartment complex need to suck it up and realize what they’ve got there,” said Riddle. “Brendan is one of the finest students I’ve had the honor to teach, and they should feel grateful to get to listen to him perfect his art. That kid is really going places, and someday they’re going to feel like shit that they tried to disrupt the creative growth of a potential genius. Fucking rude, is what it is.”

As of press time, Molina was screaming at the bawling infant next door to stop interrupting his solo.

Photo by Brandon Davis.

Woman In Einstein T-Shirt Asked to Name Three Non-Optical Implications of Lorentz Transformation

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

CHICAGO — Local woman Bethany Bryant was accosted while wearing a T-shirt depicting Albert Einstein by a man who demanded that she prove her understanding of the Theory of Special Relativity by naming Three Non-Optical Implications of the Lorentz Transformation, confirmed confused sources sitting nearby.

“I was just eating a sandwich and this guy came up to me and scoffed at my shirt,” said Bryant while covering her Einstein shirt with a cardigan. “Then he started talking about how normies don’t understand the difference between time dilation and time contraction. I only got this shirt cause I thought it looked cool, but if I knew that weirdos were going to bother me about the Inverse Doppler Effect I never would have gotten it.”

Daniel Howe, a long-time fan of Theoretical Physics and Einstein in specific, was incensed by Bryant’s lack of knowledge about the topic.

“Posers will calculate a few Schwarzchild Radii in their first year of college and think they understand what Einstein is all about,” said Howe. “There’s so much more to Special Relativity than mass-energy equivalence. Theoretical physics saved my life. When I was a kid I used to hang around all the big physics venues, CalTec, MIT, just hoping to see some of my heroes laying down the newest theorems on X-Ray Cavitation. I would be the first one to show up at their lectures and the last one to leave, but now the whole scene seems so corporate.”

While Einstein’s status as a popular figure is undisputed, some agree with Howe’s sentiments and feel that the Physicist has become just another trendy symbol.

“People feel outraged when they see things that they have used as markers of identity transformed into pop culture icons,” said Professor Jacob Brouder from Princeton University and author of “E=MC Hammer: Special Relativity in Popular Culture 1983-2003.” “Like just the other day I saw this dumb jock talk about how he’d heard nothing can go faster than light. And I said to myself, ‘yeah dude I know.’ I saw Edward Witten present M-Theory at USC back in 95. I got kicked out of the Sakurai Awards for booing Georeg Zwig. I was there when CERN fired up the Low Energy Anti-Proton Ring in Geneva and proved that Tetraquarks gave had Charge-Parity Violations outside of confines predicted by Standard Models.”

Bryant admitted she was still bothered by the conversation but returned to work at the Feinberg School of Medicine where she is a senior research fellow on Chromosomal Translocation and Thyroid Lymphomas.

Review: Megadeth “Killing Is My Business …And Business is Good!”

Posted on by John Danek

Every Sunday, The Hard Times revisits notable albums from the past. This week, we tackle Megadeth’s “Killing Is My Business… and Business Is Good!” which has stood as the de facto soundtrack to getting kicked out of things for almost 40 years.

Metallica’s Dave Mustaine probably thought he had it all. He was in the hottest underground metal band in Los Angeles. He had flowing locks of vibrant orange hair. And he played a V-shaped guitar. What more could a guy ask for? No, please tell me, because I’m trying and can’t think of anything more I want out of life at all.

Anyways, the one thing he lacked was the ability to not be a drunk asshole. Lars & Jim kicked out Dave, leaving him to start his own thrash metal behemoth Megadeth. (His former bandmates were so callous that they didn’t even bother to point out his embarrassing misspelling of “death.”)

Megadeth’s debut album starts with “Last Rites,” a beautiful piano prelude that represents the few minutes of calm before you get kicked out of something. Sure, you just broke your brother-in-law’s adjustable standing desk during your niece’s 2nd birthday party. But they’re not going to make you leave, are they?

Yes they are, and the absolute thrasher “Loved to Death” confirms this fact. It also confirms that when he really tries, Mustaine can spell “death” correctly. “These Boots” is a cover of the classic country tune, written from the perspective of boots literally kicking your ass as they eject you from a Star Wars-themed bar for constantly making the Star Trek “Live long and prosper” hand sign.

“Looking Down the Cross” serves as a reminder that even Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was kicked out of life, so to speak. But he came back uninvited three days later, and so should you. Preferably to album closer “Mechanix” blasting from your GTO while you do it.

Now, some of you may contend that Semisonic’s “Closing Time” is the one true soundtrack of being asked to leave. But there is a key difference. “Closing Time” is a polite reminder that, by no fault of your own, this establishment is closing. “Killing Is My Business” is the sound of being physically ejected from a group of friends, band, or place, DJ Jazzy Jeff/Uncle Phil style. And it fucking rips.

Score: 5 out of 5 Restraining Orders

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Is Your Partner Cheating or Is It Possible They Somehow Have Friends in Their Thirties?

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

So the love of your life has been acting different and you’re worried they might be cheating on you. Well before you jump to conclusions, take a deep breath and consider there may be other explanations for their behavior. Maybe they have a hefty work assignment keeping them late at the office. Or maybe they started a new hobby that’s consuming their free time. Although incredibly unlikely, they could even be spending time with friends. That last one is the least likely, however. Who the hell can maintain a friendship in their thirties?

Here are a few signs to help you determine if your significant other is cheating or if they’re a goddamn unicorn who can connect platonically with others past the age of 29.

They say things like, “I was out having a drink with my friends”
99.9% of the time, this is a bald-faced lie. How in the world could your 30-something partner have friends? Amidst the grueling daily grind of adulthood, what kind of perverted monster has the time to cultivate friendships? Let alone finding a group of people who would want to spend time with them in public? Sorry to break it to you, but your partner is simply not that desirable.

They show you a photo of them with a group of “friends”
Nice alibi. Too bad you’re not a gullible fool! The odds of a 36-year-old having multiple friends who are able and willing to meet up together on a weeknight are one in a million. You’re more likely to be struck by lightning! In all likelihood, that’s probably just a pre-orgy group photo. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

They ask you if you’d like to join a board game night with these so-called “friends”
So your partner is extending a casual invitation to participate in a totally non-sexual group activity? Sounds fishy. It is very likely this is a ruse to distract you from the fact they are cheating on you with one (or likely all) of these board game enthusiasts. No one actually likes Settlers of Catan. They just get perverse sexual pleasure from humiliating you!

Don’t believe the lies. The only “Friends” anyone should have after their twenties are the ones currently streaming on HBO.

Band Disclosing Bedbugs Infestation Subtly Flexing About Recent Tour

Posted on by Jose Balderas

BERKELEY, Calif. — Touring band ‘The Flattered & The Curious’ regaled tenants of the apartment they are crashing in with tales from the road while subtly disclosing a recent bedbug infestation.

“Man, we got to check out some wicked scenery in Monterey Bay and Santa Cruz. Every room was booked because it was the beginning of Spring Break so we just slept on the beach on some mattresses we found,” recalled bassist Joshua Orehart. “It was awesome. Especially after the crazy opening gig we had in a Santa Barbara dorm. The RA said we couldn’t crash there so we stayed in our van. Everyone’s been super chill all the way from Portland to San Leandro to Solvang. Never been to Solvang? You should check it out! We played an awesome set there.”

“We joke with everyone that offers us a place to crash that our van has bedbugs from all our touring. And honestly, I’ve only ever seen like three or four. It’s not like a full-blown infestation,” he added.

While impressed with the band’s recent exploits up and down the West Coast, those who offered their hospitality to the touring band were immediately regretful.

“We had heard that these really nice dudes needed a place to crash for the night and after the pretty gnarly set they played we thought we’d lend them a hand. They mentioned that the last few stops they had to sleep outside a gas station or in hotel parking lots,” said overnight host who suddenly swears he “feels itchy or something,” Samuel Turon. “It wasn’t until about the third story that we realized they mentioned every place they visited they found bedbugs in their van after. It was too late to back out. Best we could do was try to keep our corgi away from them.”

Venue promoter Pete Mags booked ‘The Flattered & The Curious’ due to their availability on short notice.

“I had heard of them from another promoter and how they are usually on time and don’t ask for much of a payout, so after the show, I gave them gas money but they all joked it was going to be used for some Raid spray for their van,” he said. “They kept bragging and naming shows in cities I’m pretty sure don’t exist. I’ve never heard of Santa Fe Springs. Have you? After an hour they finally left but I swore I saw a bug on the barstool that I don’t think is native to this part of the state. I have an exterminator coming tomorrow just to be safe.”

As of publishing date, ‘The Flattered & The Curious’ have reported a decline in bedbug sightings in their van but a concerning uptick in cockroach encounters thanks to some “crazy amazing, legit tacos from the coast’ that were left in the van for three weeks.

Photo by Jana Miller.

12 Wild Inspirations Behind Classic Songs

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

You never know when inspiration will strike. For every hit song forged by hard studio work, endless jamming and a helpful algorithm, other classic tunes just hit like a ton of bricks. Here are some of the wildest inspirations behind those songs.

“You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” Bachman-Turner Overdrive

Canadian rock group Bachman-Turner Overdrive had a wild run in the 1970s with hit songs like “Takin’ Care of Business” and “Let It Ride.” But their biggest single “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” was inspired by an unlikely source: Helen Keller. Singer Randy Bachman took in a community theater production of The Miracle Worker, and wrote the Billboard #1 song in the intermission.

“With or Without You” U2

The lead single from U2’s mammoth hit album The Joshua Tree was written after the touring band accidentally left their original guitarist Declan “Tonky” Argyle behind at a gas station and just never went back for him.

“Never Turn Your Back on Mother Nature” Sparks

The brother team of Ron and Russell Kael released this glam-rock classic in 1974, but it took nearly thirty years for Russell to reveal in a 2001 Spin Magazine interview that it was based on an incident in which he turned his back on his girlfriend at the time, Mother Nature, and she stabbed him with a garden fork.

“Song #2” Blur

Britpop darlings Blur were unsure of where to go artistically in 1997 after they had finally poisoned their arch-rivals Oasis and replaced them with lookalikes. “Song #2” was inspired by singer Damon Albarn’s attempt to explain to the Liam Gallagher stand-in how numbers work.

“Rock Me Amadeus” Falco

Johann “Hans” Hölzel, also known as Falco, had the only #1 Billboard Hot 100 in the German language in the history of American charts with this fusion of rock, dance music, and early hip hop. It was based on Star Trek.

“Dirty Work” Steely Dan

Donald Fagen and Walter Becker of Steely Dan wrote this song in a frustrated heroin fog, after that rascal Tom Sawyer convinced them to whitewash his Aunt Polly’s fence for him by telling them it was a lot of fun. It was not fun.

“Silly Love Songs” Wings

After the dissolution of The Beatles, Paul McCartney attempted to vent his frustrations via early, avant-garde noise rock group Wings. However, his inherent mastery of songwriting transformed every song into a pop masterpiece. “Silly Love Songs” nearly drove him to madness before his surrender to the darkness.

“All of the Lights” Kanye West

Controversial rapper/producer/fashion designer Kanye “Ye” West spent over $3 million recording this album at Avex Recording Studio in Honolulu. It took that much money because West insisted on purchasing all existing lighting devices on the planet to satisfy his vision of the track.

“Bulletproof” La Roux

British singer lly Jackson, who performs under the moniker La Roux, is actually the last survivor of the planet Rouxon, sent to Earth in an interstellar birthing matrix, gaining enormous power and responsibility from the yellow light of the sun. “Bulletproof” is about that.

“Love is a Battlefield” Pat Benatar

1980s rock icon Pat Benatar wrote this song after discovering producer Neil Giraldo’s stash of historical fan fiction. In particular, it was based on his short story “Aegospotami, My Love” in which two opposing soldiers in the 5th Century BCE Peloponnesian War end up fucking.

“‘6 in Tha Morning” Ice-T

Before he starred on Law & Order: SVU as Detective Odafin “Fin” Tutuola, Ice-T was an accomplished, acclaimed, and controversial hardcore rapper. But before that, he had a lucrative career as the guy in a hotel who calls people’s rooms when they ask for a wake-up call, which inspired this autobiographical song.

“Love Story” Taylor Swift

Megastar Taylor Swift wrote this song after reading William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, and realizing that “public domain” meant she didn’t have to pay anyone, ever. Cha-ching, Taylor! All her songs have been based on Jacobean playwrights since.

Man Reads Entire Cheesecake Factory Menu Before Ordering Chicken Fingers Again

Posted on by Ben Friedman

EDINA, Minn. — 37-year-old man Steve Bellows opted for chicken fingers for his seventh consecutive dinner outing despite having poured over the entire 23-page menu at Cheesecake Factory early yesterday evening, stunned diners have reported.

“I mean it’s hard to not feel like you’re going to choose the wrong thing when you’re given 200 options, right? I want to take my time and tour the menu for an hour, then head straight to the kid’s menu and point to the ol’ standby chicken fingers, baby,” said Steve Bellows. “Sometimes I’ll try to order pasta, but there’s even three fucking pages of just that! What do I look like, a stuck-up foodie? Just give me something to dunk into honey mustard and give me the check.”

While Bellows is comfortable with his consistency, his spouse wishes he would expand his palette, if only for appearances sake.

“I swear any time he’s presented with more than two options he completely freezes. He practically has an entire textbook of food and goes for a kid’s after-school snack, again. The waiter might as well bring out a placemat and crayons. He could at least order a chicken sandwich and look like a dignified adult,” said Melissa Bellows. “I should’ve known him wanting chicken tenders at our wedding reception was a red flag. Last time we came here, I thought we had a breakthrough when he almost got the chicken parm until he saw it was 2000 calories, and he switched at the last minute.”

Experts have observed Bellow’s behavior is part of a larger trend of individuals rejecting the idea of choice overload.

“Freedom of choice is both a gift and a curse, and the same can be said for the menus at places like Cheesecake Factory or Applebee’s. In other words, if you build a kitchen with enough microwaves, the sky’s the limit,” said Fred Sinclair of Restaurant Hospitality Magazine. “But that comes at a price because most diners will more than likely fall back on the meals they’ve been eating their entire lives than risk $30 on a subpar steak. What’s never let anyone down however is a piping hot plate of breaded chicken.”

“It’s like the old adage says: give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll throw fish sticks in the oven instead,” he added.

Later in the evening, Melissa Bellows was seen with her head in her hands after her husband spent 20 minutes analyzing the cheesecake menu to only order a bowl of vanilla ice cream.

Where Are They Now? The Municipal Waste Songs I Had Lined up on the Jukebox

Posted on by Ben Friedman

As I sit here in this soulless downtown bar, I feel like something is missing. Maybe it’s the dim Edison bulbs or the TJ Maxx art on the walls, but it seems like everyone here forgot how to have a good time post-COVID. Fortunately for these people, I dropped half a paycheck’s worth of thrash punk on this Touchtunes so they’re all about to be like, “Oh shit! What awesome party animal put all these headbangers on?” I’ll just nod my head, knowing that I had made the change I wished to see in the world.

But that was twenty minutes ago, which now begs the question: Where the fuck are all the Municipal Waste songs I had lined up on the jukebox?

I went out of my way to pay extra to ensure “I Want to Kill the President” took priority over everything else. But here we are sitting through Pearl Jam’s “Black.” Who wants to hear this shit right now? Even if you’re a Pearl Jam fan, it’s not like this song isn’t played daily on the radio or anything.

I even skewed a bit populist and went with songs mostly from “The Art of Partying” but apparently even that was too much for these philistines to handle. Is this not an establishment that serves alcohol? Are 80% of their songs not about getting fucked up? This should’ve been a no-brainer, yet this chandelier still remains attached to the ceiling. What a non-municipal waste!

Okay, the next song is up. And it’s another Pearl Jam song. I’m not a conspiracy theorist or anything but I smell a cover-up. Who’s in charge of making these decisions, anyway? Where is their jukebox bouncer and how do I apply for that job?

Well, that’s interesting, I just checked the Touchtunes app and it appears that the songs by a certain Virginia thrash band have mysteriously disappeared. To think, I’ve been sitting here with .2 blood alcohol content and I’m not gonna hear a single goddam riff of “Wolves of Chernobyl.”

I guess I’m left with no choice. I’ll just have to add them all back plus “Toxic Holocaust” because you dullards have no idea how willing I am to die on this hill. Now let’s move that wedding rehearsal party out of the way and open up this fucking pit.

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