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How To Practice Self-Care By Muttering Threats Under Your Breath While Staring Vapidly Off Into The Middle-Distance

According to all of those non-union life coaches we follow on Instagram, mental health is important. Self-care can be practiced in many forms and everyone has their own approach, but we here at The Hard Times believe that sometimes the old ways are the best ways.

Here are our helpful tips for getting the most benefit out of sitting in a darkened room alone while you update your enemies list like a psychopath.

Atmosphere is everything.
The first thing to consider when practicing self-care is a healthy environment in which to do it. We suggest a cramped, bare room lit only by a single, flickering lightbulb dangling overhead. This will help you avoid distractions and really focus on how everyone who ever wronged you is going down in a fury of hellfire like they’re never known before.

Do your prep work.

It’s easy to think you can approach a hollow and unsettling thousand-yard-stare without proper preparation. But in order to really engage with your self-care routine, you’ve gotta have a game plan. We recommend bracing one or fourteen shots of economy brand bourbon and then clearly visualizing how your ex-spouse is being sexually satisfied by her personal trainer in ways you can’t even imagine.

Have some knives handy.
For utilitarian purposes, it’s always smart to keep a selection of cutting implements close at hand. We recommend rusty and preferably already blood-spattered hunting knives but whatever works best for you to sharpen methodically as you make unblinking eye contact with the exploded power outlet in the corner.

Go with the flow and have fun!
Self-care isn’t all rigid preparation and diligent knife accumulation — sometimes you just gotta freestyle it. Need to temporarily break your middle-distance stare to reassemble an M1 rifle? Go for it! Throat parched my constant muttering? Maybe just try muttering louder. The most important thing is to just have fun, and to remember that your ex is a fucking lying asshole. Never, ever forget that.