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Haribo Releases Smaller Gummy Twinks

BONN, Germany — CEO of candy company Haribo, Hans-Guido Riegel, announced yesterday that the company will expand its line of candies to include gummy twinks in addition to its beloved Goldears.

“Here at Haribo, we prioritize the happiness and satisfaction of all of our customers, no matter age, race, religion, or sexual orientation,” said Riegel. “For far too long, bigotry and ignorance have halted the representation of many minority communities. Over the last one hundred years, Haribo has been known for making traditional gummy bears, but it has become our priority to foster the same representation for twinks from this point forward. Especially since we are now entering Pride month, we want to celebrate all lovers of love and candy in the least effective way possible.”

Consumers weigh in on Haribo’s decision to support the LBGTQ community with their new, slimmer model of gummy candies.

“It’s better than nothing, I guess,” said local twink Jonathan Johnson. “Living as a gay man, I am always rooting for more queer representation. Every year it seems like marketing teams have been trying to get gayer and gayer every Pride month. I’ve been seeing so many advertisements with rainbow logos, but this year it seems like Haribo went all out. It’s not exactly the representation I was hoping for, but the candy is tasty, so yeah why not?”

Civil rights expert Sandra Gonzales analyzes the social impact of this new candy.

“Honestly, it’s better than whatever the hell those other corporations are doing for the gays,” reported Gonzales. “Ever since these companies realized that minority pandering is a huge cash grab, these idiots have been pulling out every card in the book. Gummy Twinks are just the beginning. Some companies have donated thousands of dollars to support underprivileged queer people. At least the gummy Twinks aren’t affiliated with any child slavery lawsuits like at Nestlé.”

At press time, witnesses reported seeing Reigel’s eyes burst into dollar-sign shapes while muttering, “cha-CHING,” to himself repeatedly.