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Punk Counts “Good Teeth” With Tongue

CHANDLER, Ariz. — Gina Feldspar, bassist for punk band Piss Ritual, performed a periodic inventory of “good” and “bad” teeth by using her tongue to count, according to a bandmate.

“I admit the ratio is becoming concerning,” said Feldspar after completing a recent thorough probe of each tooth with her tongue. “I counted twenty-one good ones. That’s down from twenty-six at the last count. I’ve even got a wiggler on the upper left. I’m trying to book us a tour date in Mexico where dental work is a lot cheaper. I can’t afford to do it in the U.S. I mean, I just got Fest tickets so my funds are a little low right now.”

Acquaintance and scene veteran Lawrence “Snaggletooth” Albrisi was dismissive of the idea of dental treatment in general, and expressed no regrets about not visiting the dentist regularly himself.

“Gina’s fine, she doesn’t need to go to a dentist,” said Albrisi. “I haven’t been since I was a kid. I don’t even brush. You know fluoride is a mind-control chemical, don’t you? Plus, I’ve saved a ton of money by not wasting it on dentists or doctors. How do you think I got these full sleeves and my sick record collection? You just learn to adapt and avoid things like apples and taffy. I say look at Shane MacGowan. He never went to the dentist and he did all right.”

Dr. Olivia Gould, an orthodontist who specializes in treating dentist-averse punks and metalheads, asserted that while money is an issue, the main reason for avoiding treatment is odontophobia, or fear of the dentist.

“They’ve got this tough image to uphold, but most of them are really just scared,” explained Dr. Gould. “We’ve done everything we can to make them feel comfortable at our office. The walls are covered with Iron Maiden posters and xeroxed show flyers. There are band stickers all over the exam chair and cabinets. We’ve got a TV and can put on whatever the patient requests to help them get their mind off of the procedure. Most of the punks choose ‘Repo Man’ or ‘Green Room.’ Metalheads go for movies like ‘Evil Dead 2’ or ‘Hellraiser.’ We’ve had a lot of requests for ‘Mandy’ lately, too.”

At press time, Feldspar was reportedly observed covering the “Check Engine” light on her 1998 Hyundai Accent’s dashboard with black electrical tape.