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We Rank the Top 14 Joy Division Albums Because We’re From a Cooler Timeline

It can be hard to choose your favorite, especially when there is so much to choose from. With an artist with as huge a discography as post-punk legends Joy Division, where even to start? Fortunately for you, we are going to do the hard work and dig through their entire oeuvre to figure out which are the 14 best albums from a band that had a much longer and fulfilling career in our timeline, because ours is frankly better. Your timeline seems like a real bummer.

Transmission, begin!

Dark Matter

This 1999 album from the Manchester quartet was a return to their original, dark post-punk sound. While some critics described the singles “Exercise Four” and “Space” as repetitions of past triumphs, time has proven this album to be a much-needed return to form, heightened by the production work of producer and ultra-marathon champion Martin Hannett.

Wait, wait happened to him in your timeline? That fucking sucks.

Commercial
In our timeline of 1982, Joy Division was one of the most successful bands on Warner Bros, but feeling the pressure of up and comers like Duran Duran and the critically-acclaimed A Flock of Seagulls. Commercial was their response to these upstarts, and its bright, horn-driven sound put them in their place.

Peter Hook Presents:
You people think a bassist shouldn’t be given full creative authority over a band. You people are wrong.

The Transparent Album
Their third album of 1979, the so-called “Transparent Album” was actually called “Ian Curtis, Bernard Sumner, Peter Hook, and Stephen Morris” but we call it a fucking collection of bangers. Damn, turn on “Neurosis” one more time for the good times!

Take a Walk for Your Health, Good Traveler
The merits of Joy Division’s progressive rock phase, inspired by their longtime friendship with Peter Gabriel, can be debated, but not the overwhelming power of the Billboard number one hit “Sing a Gentle Song, Foxface, For Winter in Northern England is Not a Pretty Penny to Pay for the Piper’s Price.”

The Cure For Epilepsy

Okay, granted this album sounds like shit, but listening to it does cure epilepsy so it ranks high on our list. I would have brought you guys a copy but, you know, the continuum and all.

Thank You President Gore

Wait, what happened here? Jesus.

All Drums, No Talk
It is what it sounds like, motherfuckers! Beats on beats on beats was the sound of 1994 in our much cooler timeline, and we’ve never heard of Oasis!

Dance Like You Don’t Want To
Ian Curtis wrote the entirety of this 2005 lo-fi album after being snowbound in a cabin in the Alps for three weeks. It literally made the Pope cry in our world.

Ice Ice Ice
Ice ice ice! Do the ice ice ice! Seriously, you guys are missing out on this one.

We Regret the Nazi Stuff

This 1985 spoken-word album by Bernard Sumner highlighted his legendary lyrical craftsmanship, and permanently put a close to Nazi imagery being used by edgelords.

Joy Division
The Ibiza-inflected rhythms of their 1991 self-titled album sparked what was called the “Summer of Drugs,” and convinced Margaret Thatcher to fucking lighten up.

Wait, what did she do to The Falkland Islands? Why?

Rock Me Amadeus
Joy Division’s longtime fascination with synthpop reached its full expression with this collaborative album with international superstar Falco. 1985 was truly a year of miracles, mein herr.

Love Has Brought Us Together
The 2016 reunion album. What can be said? When the legendary four embraced at Coachella, it healed a rift that healed a world.

In our timeline, Coachella is also the United Nations. You guys suck.