We Ranked These Nightmare Dream Creatures Coming Through the Walls Because Our Acid Hookup Is an Asshole

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Expanding your consciousness has been the dream of humanity from time immemorial. From the first days of eating weird mushrooms and hoping that something other than death happened to that episode of Mad Men when John Slattery and his wife do LSD, we have always found ourselves sitting down with horrific monsters and asking ourselves: how do they stack up?

We ranked these nightmare dream creatures coming through the walls in every direction, invading our consciousness with five-dimensional geometry that cannot be described by any sane mind, and singing songs of pure madness, because Anthony sold me some bad shit. Let’s run them down, in ascending order of terror!

#5: The giant cockroach that I can sense was once us from a different universe, but managed to claw his way into this one and force me to think of how I never truly understood by anyone else! Just so-so. We have had worse anxiety attacks from cold brew.

#4: Machine elves, but with knives where their eyes should be! A step up, but wasn’t Anthony the one that loaned us that copy of The Invisible Landscape by Terence McKenna in the first place? The knives aren’t great, especially when they start talking about how computers are nothing but silicon organs that will soon have mouths and a need to feed, but there’s a little bit too much logic for it to be truly terrifying.

Joke: #3: An alleyway that goes on forever, but somehow is also a beast that knows everything you have ever done wrong! Now we’re getting somewhere. This particular nightmare dream has a lot of what we look for in a psyche-destroying vision that will haunt us in stray thoughts for the rest of our lives.

Fuck, Anthony. Fuck. Fuck.

#2: A word that opens our third eyes, but only to the dark region of the netherworld in which a being known only as the Mother waits to draw us in, and tells us there is no salvation, no future other than reunion with the Mother and her infinite spines. Yeah, this is the good stuff. We are definitely destroying a whole lot of vital brain cells right now.

#1: Anthony! Okay, this one was a real dark horse, but it turns out that Anthony dropping by to apologize for the shit he gave us is the most terrifying thing that we could ever experience. Imagine realizing you’ve achieved complete ego death because of a dude who wears Teva sandals all the time.

Whooooooooaaaaa.

Family Dog Returns Rejuvenated From Farm Upstate

Posted on by Sam Eardley

NEW YORK — Beloved labrador retriever Sergeant Slobbermouth returned home “rejuvenated and grounded” six months after parents Jill and Malcolm Chesterton informed their children that he had gone to live on a farm upstate, baffled sources confirmed.

“It’s so great to have the old pooch back home, especially for our twelve-year-old Billy. He took it real hard when we told him that Slobby had gone to live on a farm,” said the pup’s owner and mother of three. “I assumed he’d be happy for the dog—getting to run around in fields and play with all the farm animals, you know? But instead Billy became very withdrawn, started dressing in all black and listening non-stop to some ghoulish singer called Nick Caves. Jeez Louise, it’s not like we’d told him the dog was dead!”

Barb Kingsnorth, the owner of upstate New York farm Verdant Pastures, was keen to clear up any confusion about the services they provide.

“Yes, we are a real farm, and yes, we will return your dog to you alive after their stay with us,” said Kingsnorth. “We’re aware that ‘living on a farm upstate’ can be a euphemism for deceased pets, but we are an actual farm that caters to not-dead city-dwelling dogs. Sergeant Slobbermouth, or Bodhi as he’d now like to be called, really benefited from his time at our farm. He switched to a Paleolithic diet, deleted his popular Instagram account, and didn’t kick the bucket at all. He returned home blissed, blessed, and—we can’t stress this enough—not in a coffin.”

Canine sociologist Gabrielle Ambrose questioned the benefits of these boutique dog farms that all just so happened to be upstate.

“The short-term effects are twofold. Firstly, a swathe of traumatic misunderstandings between parents and kids who have very different grasps on pop-cultural tropes,” explained Ambrose. “And secondly, a widening gulf between dogs that can and can’t afford to access these services. It would be reductive of me to call retrievers like Bodhi ‘spoiled’ or ‘insufferable’ or ‘the absolute fucking worst,’ but it seems reasonable to suggest that they should regularly be checking their labrador privilege.”

In related news, another New York couple informed their kids that their dog was not in fact dead, but in witness protection.

Millennial Celebrates Labor Day by Only Having to Work 3 Out of Her 5 Jobs

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — 29-year-old Leslie Andrews was overcome with joy knowing she was able to half-celebrate Labor Day by only having to work 3 out of her 5 jobs that day, multiple sources confirmed.

“I was super pumped when I found out I’d catch a break on Labor Day for once,” said Andrews while attempting to cover the bags under her eyes. “Mostly, I was really excited to sleep in until 4:30 a.m. for a change. Larry at Go Bananas, the smoothie shop I work at, broke the incredible news to me after my 47th consecutive day of work. I may even have time to squeeze in a real breakfast other than my usual coffee and cigarette in the morning.”

Lindsay Welch, friend and roommate of Andrews, was happy for her, yet also concerned.

“Leslie and I pay $3,000 a month for our studio apartment, and we’re forced to work 12 jobs between us to be able to afford it,” Welch said while quickly downing her third 5-Hour Energy shot of the day. “I’m super happy for Leslie and all. She seems to be really glad to have some free time, but what if this cuts into her portion of rent this month? We’d be screwed. In fact, I begged and pleaded with my boss at the greenhouse to let me work on Labor Day just in case we weren’t able to make rent this month as a result. Luckily, she gave in. What a saint.”

Economist and labor rights activist Gerard Wilson explained how the plight of the Millennial worker has changed dramatically since the days of old.

“You see, back in the day, the average 29-year-old could support a family of 5 on a part-time smoothie stand worker’s salary. Unfortunately for Millennials like Leslie, that isn’t the case anymore,” Wilson stated. “To make the equivalent of that in this day and age, you’d need about 7 or 8 smoothie stand salaries to even come close to supporting a family of 5. And until they make it illegal to work a certain number of jobs, Millennials are just going to have to keep collecting jobs and side gigs like their Pokeball cards or whatever they’re called.”

At press time, Andrews was forced to cover someone else’s shift at the mall sunglasses depot last minute but was able to at least enjoy the Labor Day holiday in short 1-hour increments between jobs.

We Wrote the Great American Novel, but We Did It by Holding the Pen Between Our Buttcheeks and Crabwalking Over Graph Paper So No Publisher Will Touch It

Posted on by James Knapp

What the hell happened to literature in this country? When Kerouac wrote “On the Road” in one three-week-long amphetamine binge, it was considered the seminal novel of his generation. Yet when we did the same thing but with our ass and some grid paper, suddenly we’re a literary pariah. Our greatness must be acknowledged!

Not to be too boastful but we did a real scoot-job on this book. The novel is both eloquent and raw, and it by far surpasses any of what qualifies as high art these days. Also, we wrote it in a style we called “crabscript” and as far as we can tell that’s the only reason why no one is willing to take a chance on our daring and brash new work.

We know our style may be unconventional but, hell, so was Salinger’s. Now we both have written definitive works on the angst and alienation that comes with living in a superficial society. But just because we did it with a smelly ballpoint and a roll of contractor’s paper spread out in the parking lot, apparently we’re no longer welcome near the library.

In our opinion, publishers have been unfairly critical of our clenchmanship, some going so far as to describe our writing style as “disturbingly soupy.” How dare they try to tell us how the creative process of a genius should look!

Going forward, we suppose there’s nothing left to do but keep on fighting to put our grand opus out into the world and hope all those literary fat cats eventually come to understand the brilliance our buttcheeks can bring forth.

New Netflix “Instant Dream Home” Show Sets Unrealistic Expectations That Contractors Will Show Up on Time

Posted on by Matt McInerney

ATLANTA – Viewers of the new Netflix show “Instant Dream Home” are complaining en masse about the show creating unrealistic expectations that contractors will ever show up on time, not-so-patiently-waiting sources confirmed.

“A total home makeover in 12 hours? God, I’d be happy if I could get a contractor just to give me an estimate the same month they said they would,” said Florence Mason, a homeowner in the middle of a bathroom renovation. “My first contractor demoed my entire bathroom, and then they just disappeared. I’ve been looking for someone to come finish the job for months. But super cool how Netflix will just build a bathroom on a soundstage and then truck it in the same day. Must be nice not peeing in a bucket and showering in the kitchen sink.”

Joey Norris, a long-time contractor, has been struggling to find help.

“Let me tell you, you want to find a crew to finish a job? Impossible. The kids these days don’t care for work—almost as much as I don’t like paying. But yeah, I heard about this show. The whole house in 12 hours? Geez,” said Norris. “It just doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, just like the basic logistics. So you’re gonna wanna let spackle dry for about 1-2 hours. Then you’re gonna want to sand. And if you want it to be nice, you’re gonna want to do a second coat. And then you’d be wise to wait about 24 hours before you paint the first coat. And don’t get me started on grout.”

Jamie Vaughn, a producer on the show, explained the process behind the quick renovations.

“How do we do it all in 12 hours? Ah, look at you, that’s so cute. You think it’s all real,” said Vaughn. “I mean, we do some work on their house. We mostly just paint the front and maybe swap out a door. But I’d say the majority of what we do is filming people crying while yelling ‘this is gorgeous’ in front of a green screen, and then we drop in some pictures from Pinterest afterward.”

At press time, Netflix was busy ramping up marketing efforts for their new show, “15 Minute DMV.”

Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Marilyn Manson, and Gene Simmons Release Album as Newly Formed Supervillain Group

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES – Nefarious rockstars Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Marilyn Manson, and Gene Simmons combined forces to become the world’s preeminent supervillain group, suspicious sources confirmed.

“As the most prolific sellout in rock history, I’ve spent the past 50 years slapping the KISS brand on everything from coffins and air guitar strings to at-home pregnancy tests and LSAT prep courses. But having wrung that money sponge dry, it was time to start a new band to further my evil empire,” explained Simmons. “So I gathered the most repugnant rogues I could find–Rock, Nugent, and Manson– to form the music world’s first ever supervillain group. We’ve spent the past four months recording songs at a fortified stronghold inside a volcano, sponsored by the Los Angeles Police Union, and we’re finally ready to unleash terror upon our fans.”

Former music lover Katharine Ingram scored tickets to one of the new band’s early shows, a move she later regretted.

“Look, I know they all have a history of shitty and sometimes literally criminal behavior, but I still was excited to see them play. Though I expected way more considering I paid $400 for a nosebleed seat,” said Ingram. “Like, holy shit, what a cacophonous mess. How did they not realize a band with four lead singers and no drummer was a terrible idea? Then midway through the show, they all pulled out some binoculars so they could ‘scope out the college chicks’ in the crowd. I had to personally usher several underage teen girls out of the venue as Nugent and Manson chased us down.”

Genteel alt-rocker Michael Stipe has chosen to fight back, citing an existential threat to pop culture and the world at large as his main motivators.

“We mustn’t allow rock and roll to evolve into a tool for evil,” explained Stipe from his technologically sophisticated hoverchair. “This is why I am starting Professor Stipe’s School for Benevolent Rock Stars to help teach the new generation of musicians how not to be abusive and mean-spirited dicks. School faculty will include Dave Grohl, ‘Weird’ Al Yankovic, and Soccer Mommy. Plus, we’re offering a jiu-jitsu elective taught by Maynard James Keenan.”

Most recently, Simmons appeared on Newsmax and threatened world leaders with a 50-city international tour unless his demands are met.

$8 Double IPA Creates Expensive Artisan Piss

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

CHICAGO — Local beer connoisseur Evan Ramirez recently made the startling discovery that his new favorite craft beer transmutes directly to expensive, fancy piss, sources who are currently drunk confirm.

“There I was, finishing off my second pint of the ‘Not Your Pawpaw’s Dirt Juice’ Double IPA when I realized that I was essentially just using my own body to make overpriced, artisan pee,” Ramirez said, visibly shifting on his barstool. “I’ve dropped $46 on beer alone today, and I’m not even sure what I’m getting out of this. I’m not really staying hydrated, because I have to piss every half hour on the dot, and I’m super bloated from all the hops and shit. And let me tell you, it does not taste good in the slightest. If this wasn’t 11% alcohol, it would truly have no benefits other than making every trip to the bathroom feel like a luxury expense.”

Craft brewer Jake Hornsby didn’t take kindly to Ramirez’s remarks about the product of his life’s work.

“He clearly does not understand the love, labor, and high-end ingredients that go into the ‘Dirt Juice,’” Hornsby said while pretending to towel-dry a snifter glass for several minutes. “The fermenting process alone takes months, which is probably why it has such a bold flavor that is off-putting to those who don’t appreciate higher-end, borderline-undrinkable brews. And I’m honestly a little insulted that he thinks the urine that results from my beer is a waste. We both know that there’s an untapped market there, and if he wasn’t such a pansy, he’d be bottling that stuff up and selling it to hipsters all over the city.”

Urologist Ben Proctor weighed in on Hornsby’s suggestion to capitalize on the secondary waste product of the DIPA.

“Humans have been drinking their own pee for centuries,” Proctor said, smiling a little too much while saying it. “Not only are there numerous health benefits, but in this case, one actually recoups the cost of spending $25 on a four-pack by selling the infused piss on the naturopath market. One could easily make back their losses and turn a tidy profit if you find the right crowd. The exact overlap between beer snobs and anti-vaxxers should prove to be the right niche for this.”

At press time, Ramirez was reportedly seen buying a 30-rack of Natty Light from the bodega instead.

 

We teamed up with the fine people at Goose Island to bring you a vegan burger so good it will make you hate all other food. Grab it through the month of September at the Goose Island Clybourn Brewhouse. All proceeds to to Planned Parenthood.

Children Horrified to Discover Dad’s White Belt Stash from His Screamo Days

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Graphic Designer Mark Gravel’s two teen children were horrified to find a box in the attic with six different white belts their father used to wear during the early 2000s screamo trend, mortified sources confirmed.

“We’ve never really seen any pictures of our dad from like 2002 through 2007 and nobody ever thought anything of it,” said Helena Gravel, 13. “But then when we found this old dusty box labeled ‘Mark’ full of white belts and a few flyers from shows with bands weird bands like Kodan Armada, Transistor Transistor, and Saetia things started to make a little sense. There was an old memory card in the box as well, we eventually found a functional digital camera at a thrift store to see what was on it and it was worse than I ever expected. My dad had pants that were so tight I’m surprised his feet didn’t fall off, and he seemed happy that his shirts barely made it to his waist. I won’t ever look at him the same.”

Gravel claims he has been preparing for this conversation for the past decade.

“I knew we’d have to have ‘the talk’ some day with my girls. It was important to explain that before I met their mother I got caught up with some really pretentious people,” said Gravel. “I’m not proud of it, but I was going to school in western Massachusetts and found myself lost in a sea of studded belts, Diesel jeans, and Saucony shoes. I wanted to shield my girls from my bandana phase, but I knew I’d have to face it eventually. I confessed to them that I was very into Livejournal and roadied for a very terrible band called September’s Dagger.”

Discoveries like these are becoming more and more common due to members of the early 2000s screamo scene becoming parents.

“I’ve had three kids this year come to my office crying to discuss pictures they found of their dads with a dyed black Spock haircut and tight girl jeans at a City of Caterpillar show or their mom with snake bite piercings and hair that covered both their eyes,” said Wagner High School Counselor Rebecca Smith. “Knowing their parents were involved in something so embarrassing can be scarring for these kids. Do you know how many times I’ve had to go through the history of Food Not Bombs with a 15-year-old? I just hope they never find out I have a Blood Brothers tattoo, I’ll be fired immediately.”

At press time, Gravel was getting ready to explain the checkerboard sport coat and dress pants his children found in a box labeled “SKA 1997-2000.”

InfoWars Studio Now a Spirit Halloween

Posted on by Chris Bowen

AUSTIN,Texas. —Beloved holiday superstore Spirit Halloween quickly moved into the vacant spot where InfoWars once stood after Alex Jones was forced out due to financial trouble, multiple sources report.

“This is clearly a strategized ploy implemented by the satanic globalists to perpetuate their agenda of replacing every holiday with Halloween,” Alex Jones exclaimed while slamming his fist on his desk. “It has nothing to do with the verdict that I owe 48 million dollars. But they won’t stop me, no, no. I will not be silenced by the liberal elites. We got a killer deal with the people at the American Legion Post 132 to let us keep filming InfoWars in their basement. It works for now, even if they still have dial up internet.”

Cindy Forrester, a spokeswoman for Spirit Halloween, discussed why she believes the move is great for the community.

“It’s our duty to bring joy to the ‘spoopy’ people out there. So we were thrilled to take over a studio that caused so much chaos and replace it with our brand of high-priced Halloween decor, sorta like when one of our stores moves into a former Planet Fitness,” Forrester said, cheerfully. “We think the goths of the world deserve some semblance of happiness every August through November 1st, and all of humanity deserves an Alex Jones-free world year-round.”

Rabid InfoWars fan Bruce Perrinville weighed in regarding the changing landscape of his favorite program.

“This whole thing is bullshit,” Perrinville said while sitting in a beer-stained Lay-Z-Boy. “All the guys at the station and I watch InfoWars religiously. I forgot that they had to move the studio, and some weirdo Halloween store was taking their spot. Well, the crew must have left the cameras rolling because it took me 15 minutes to realize the hideous snarling puppet I was staring at wasn’t Alex Jones. It was a bit of a shock, but hell, I’d watch it again. I’m gonna miss his frothing tirades, though. I guess I”ll have to just settle for Tucker Carlson.”

At press time, Alex Jones was seen shopping at Spirit Halloween for an “Inflammatory Right-Wing Crackpot” costume.

5 Basic Reverb Mistakes You Need To Stop Making if You Want This Marriage to Work

Posted on by Sam Eardley

Are you still making these 5 basic reverb errors? The answer is YES and it is tearing us apart. You need to follow these simple rules if you are serious about making this marriage work.

Tighten Up Your Bottom-End
It is crucial that you cut out all those tempting, thick frequencies below 200 Hz, however delicious you think they sound. This may be hard for you to hear but I must be blunt. Your mixes are getting out of shape. Marriages are built on respect, and I simply cannot respect someone who is content with such a flabby low-end.

You’re Thinning on Top, but You Can Do Something About It
Yes, things are a little thin for you above 10,000 Hz but this happens to many men, and in 2022 you can do something about it. There is no shame in getting plug-ins as they can give you a lush, bountiful mane of sound and, I dunno, maybe bring back some of that excitement from when we first met. Please stop comb-filtering over the thin areas, it’s old-fashioned and ridiculous.

Try Something New
No wonder our relationship is stagnating when you keep reaching for the same stock reverbs every time. Oh, how I long for you to surprise me with a boutique chamber reverb or something shimmery from Valhalla. Or maybe a sexy hardware unit with an almost obscenely transparent sound. Or maybe we should have some naughty fun with sidechains. Remember: vanilla is for ice cream, not for reverb.

Know When To Insert and When To Send & Return)
Healthy relationships require give and take. Send and return if you will. Yet all you ever do is insert your reverb straight into the channel like a caveman, despite not getting any pleasurable responses back. You might think you’re being a big man by setting it at 90% wet, but with the way you’re mixing, that just leaves the whole track muddy.

I’m Moving Out, I’ll Be Staying With My Mother for a Few Weeks Until I Get Settled
This is now so much a reverb tip as much as it is a fact. And if you want me back then you need to show that you’ve changed. Here’s what I need you to do. Accurately model a convolution reverb impulse response of the boombox scene from the movie “Say Anything” and send it to me as a WAV file. Show me romance isn’t dead.