Managers at Pediatric Blood Farm That Keeps Queen Alive Prepare for Layoffs

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LONDON — Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen Elizabeth II to keep her alive are now expecting layoffs following her death earlier today, sources who just put a down payment on a flat confirmed.

“The timing just couldn’t be worse. We just received a fresh batch of orphaned babies and these little blood bags are filled with some quality inventory. The Queen would have felt 84 again with this blood coursing through her veins,” said plant manager Cecil Davies. “And we just installed a new pump that drains the bodies of 98% of the blood, so there is very little waste. But now that the Queen is gone I’m afraid we might have to let some of these kids loose in the streets, and the thought of them growing up and leading fulfilling lives makes me sick. I’m just hoping some other members of the royal family are in desperate need of youthful blood or else I might have to let some of my staff go.”

Employees at the facility admit they have no other real-world skills.

“I’ve spent the last four decades in this underground bunker draining children of their life force without ever seeing the sunlight, and frankly I’m worried my skills won’t carry over into a new field,” said Damien Hill. “I’m also worried about what will happen if the sun hits my skin. I’m so pale that I’m basically translucent. I suppose I could get a job as a software developer, my lifestyle wouldn’t change all that much, I just wouldn’t get the same satisfaction of bleeding kids dry to serve my country.”

Black market blood traffickers are also expected to feel a financial hit from the Queen’s passing.

“The Queen was my best customer when it came to blood. I know she had her own personal farm, but that wasn’t enough. I had to make sure she had plenty of puppy and kitten blood at her disposal as well or her hair might fall out,” said an anonymous source wearing a Union Jack balaclava. “I’m going to have an entire warehouse of unused blood by this time next week. And I’m not just going to donate it to the hippies at the Red Cross, I’d rather dump it straight into the Thames.”

At press time, President Biden announced he will be making a trip to the facility in hopes of “bringing these jobs to America.”

How To Increase Your Podcast Listenership by Already Being Famous

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

It seems like everyone has a podcast nowadays and finding a way to rise above all the noise to actually garner more listeners than just your family – who are only pretending that they listen – is a business unto itself. But we here at the Hard Times have a sure-fire pod-hack to ensure you have thousands of listeners.

We recommend, before you even think of picking up a microphone, that you toil in obscurity for a decade in another medium to transition your fandom over to the world of podcasting.

Whether it is acting, sports, politics, or even (as a last resort) being a social media influencer, the best way to top the Apple podcast charts is already having a massive following. If you don’t have a Blue Check next to your name and at least twenty-five thousand followers on Twitter then it won’t matter why your wrestling podcast is better than the other seven-hundred and forty-eight wrestling podcasts.

Sure you could submit your podcast for consideration to a podcast recommendation website, but unless you’ve written for The Simpsons there is little chance they will even listen to your Asian Snack Review podcast or whatever the hell it is you talk about, let alone recommend it. Sure you might be a tenured history professor hosting a well-researched and thorough podcast on The Byzantine Empire but, come on, let’s be real… Do you even have a Twitch stream?

If you are completely talentless, we would recommend getting arrested at the next Trump coup attempt and then using the money you raised for a legal defense to start a right-wing podcast network. From what we hear, it isn’t too hard to get sponsored by doomsday preparation supply companies.

Perhaps you are tangentially famous, that might work too. Are your parents rich and/or famous? You could start a very successful self-help podcast filled with nonsense about vision boards, mindfulness, and The Secret to convince the working class that it was your tenacity and work ethic that got you to where you are and not your parents’ wealth and influences.

When it is all said and done, your shitty True Crime podcast about a murder in Davenport or whatever will never make back the money you paid to store them on Buzzsprout’s servers. We recommend you try to become popular in easier ways, like accidentally shooting yourself at a Tampa Bay alligator farm.

How Caring for Houseplants Improved Our Mental Health by Giving Us Complete Power Over a Living Being

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Taking care of one’s mental health can be exhausting in this age of climate change, economic free-fall, and neighbors who play the zither. Fortunately, there are more options than ever for self-care including remote therapy, medication, and good old-fashioned repression of all your compounding trauma. However, the best way to improve mental health is by caring for a houseplant and feeling a constant surge of power like a burning drug in our veins as we contemplate how we could kill this living being at any time, with no consequences.

Did you know houseplants reduce anxiety? Scientists have concluded that the ability to look at a growing, verdant plant in your living space reduces your anxiety at a rate directly proportional to the stress you put the plant in by slowly sipping from a glass in front of it while asking it how long it’s been since it was watered.

According to studies, the sensory engagement you get from caring for a houseplant can help with depression. Similarly, berating a peace lily every day before you leave for work gives it the kind of sensory engagement that makes it fear your return. This fear will strengthen you. Delicious, delicious fear.

Lastly, caring for a houseplant will bring you mindfulness. Keep yourself centered by reminding yourself that you control every aspect of this plant’s existence and even if someone knew about this, they could do nothing. Who would even care? There are no plant laws. To that plant, you are the law.

Dexter Holland, Milo Aukerman, and Greg Graffin Leave Bands to Form Study Group

Posted on by Tony Morse

LOS ANGELES — Three legendary punk frontmen, Dexter Holland, Milo Aukerman, and Greg Graffin, all departed their respective bands to join forces and prepare for “a real bitch” of an organic chemistry midterm, academic sources confirmed.

“This is the most pumped I’ve ever been about a collaborative project,” said Bad Religion vocalist Greg Graffin, Ph.D. “The decision to step away from my bandmates wasn’t easy, but the opportunity to riff about organometallics and nucleotides with the two hardest motherfuckers in natural science is just something I can’t miss. Milo is a giant in the molecular biology scene, and it was his idea to bring in Dexter for his microRNA expertise. I was reluctant at first because Dexter isn’t an Ivy Leaguer, but I thought he’d at least be good for carrying our books around and ordering pizza for us. I guess you could think of him as our bassist. Enough talk. Time to make some flashcards and rip this o-chem test, ya-hey!”

But not all fans greeted the new power trio’s announcement with enthusiasm, as some expressed outright skepticism about the group’s compatibility.

“I’m really trying to be excited about this, but there are too many glaring deficiencies,” lamented longtime punk pulmonologist Dr. Geoff Robinson. “Three guys with terminal research degrees in biology disciplines? Pretty redundant. You may as well try to build a band around three lead singers. Why didn’t they add a physicist to handle the really tough equations? They need a statistician to manage data and actually think about probability models. I’m sure they’ll dominate all the questions heavy on bio theory, but that’s essentially the problem with some of these supergroups. They do one thing really well, and everything else is just awkward filler that won’t impress their audience or professors.”

Reception of the news among affected bandmates was just as cold.

“I thought Dexter was done with this nerd shit,” complained Noodles. “We play packed shows with tons of smoke show MILFs in the crowd and his reaction is to go fuck around with his chemistry set. I wish Greg and Milo wouldn’t encourage him. I wish they would just throw a football around like normal dudes. If I keep showing up in public with Dexter people will think I’m a dork by association and forget about all my sick guitar work on ‘Smash.’”

At press time, remaining members of the Descendents workshopped ideas for “Milo Goes Back to College.”

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Upstate New York Puts Up Sign Commemorating “23 Years Without a Woodstock”

Posted on by Rob Ryder

ROME, N.Y. — Upstate New York officials unveiled the first of many signs commemorating over two-decades of keeping the region Woodstock-free at a solemn ceremony last Monday, several sources still wearing mud-stained tie-dye shirts reported.

“There are few communities in our region that haven’t been touched by a Woodstock,” said New York State Senator and former Mayor of Saugerties, Jacob Thomas. “The next generation doesn’t remember. They don’t understand the threat, but as I speak, stories of a reunited Limp Bizkit have been reported and we could see throngs of dangerous individuals roaming our streets in red baseball caps.. We must remain vigilant, and these signs are a reminder to all that we are committed.”

Woodstock ‘99 attendee Russell Friedman shared how his first-hand experiences shaped his opinion on the new sign.

“You just can’t do it again…it was a time, a place, it was magic. We were all so young. Maybe some would call us naive thinking we could make a difference,” said Friedman. “But there we were, proving them all wrong, surviving for three days on nothing but ecstasy and Slim Jims. Back then we called it free love, now grabbing some random chick’s boob is called assault. I don’t think Kid Rock would approve of that sort of misandry.”

Not everyone is pleased with the idea; many angry locals believe the signs are not enough and support statewide restrictions on 7-string guitars and any sheet of plywood larger than three square feet.

“I don’t care what it takes, put up a wall if you have to. Never again. It changed me,” said John Therman, who served as a member of the Woodstock Peace Patrol. “Last time I heard a Korn song on the radio, my friends said I dropped to the floor and started singing incoherently, like I was possessed. One time, I walked into a Stewart’s and just lost it. I started shouting about how much they charged for water, set a display of Funyuns on fire, then stole $1500 from the register. I carry this trauma for life.”

Senator Thomas announced that at least 30 more locations for additional signs have been approved and all funds will be raised by a benefit concert taking place in Utica in a few weeks.

Vocal Track on Neutral Milk Hotel Album Fixed With WD-40

Posted on by Richard Circuit

BOSTON — Local indie rock fan Nathan Rottenberg finally fixed the squeaky-sounding vocal track in Neutral Milk Hotel’s “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” record with a couple of squirts of WD-40, sources confirmed.

“A dose of the good stuff and it was as smooth as Sinatra,” said Rottenberg, finally able to get past the first song. “It just needed some good old-fashioned WD, some warm breath, and a couple of rubs with my sleeve. Now this album sounds like it could get played on iHeartRadio or any top 100 radio station. Just like how I imagine Neutral Milk Hotel would’ve wanted.”

The original producers of the album had never even thought to use a product commonly sold at hardware stores to correct the vocal track.

“And here I was trying to adjust the treble and use simple pitch correction techniques, but that didn’t work at all. However, back in the day, I did make some progress on the album’s singing saw track, which people don’t realize is actually a piccolo. Never could that thing exactly right though,” said the original producer Robert Schneider, wearing an acid-singed jumpsuit. “Turns out, a bit of WD-40 transforms this whole album into mostly ballads and bubblegum pop songs. Also, now that I can hear the lyrics more clearly, it sounds like this singer guy had a huge crush on Anne Hathaway or something.”

Local music historian Brant Holmes noted other prominent albums that were “fixed” after using simple household products.

“A Wheetus album was once repaired with the help of some leather cleaner, a few classic Smiths’ vocal tracks were dramatically improved using Drano, and King Krule’s voice tone saw impressive results when Dr. Bronner’s was applied directly to the record,” said Holmes. “However, it was noted that no product will work on Machine Gun Kelly songs. It’s best just to take an open flame to them and hope for the best. Sounds like the local producer for MGK was in Home Depot for hours trying to find just the right thing to no avail.”

In related news, the makers of WD-40 partnered with Sub Pop Records to make an at-home album correction product exclusively for vinyl records.

Oh Fuck: We Sat Down With Kendall Jenner to Name 3 Slayer Songs and It Turns Out She Knows Way More Than Us and Now She’s Asking Us Questions

Posted on by Zac Lux

*TO EDITOR: I’M BEGGING YOU. PLEASE DO NOT PUBLISH.*

The Hard Times: Hey, nice shirt. Name 3 songs.
Kendall Jenner: Ok. Off which album?

Their earliest one, obviously. Pfft.
You want me to name three songs off, Show No Mercy, then?

Yes. It was a trick question, to see if you actually knew what it was.
Well there’s Antichrist, Evil Has No Boundaries, and of course Die by the Sword, which are all classics in their own right. But my favorite track off Show No Mercy might be Black Magic. That riff is so fucking sick and Tom’s vocals are haunting. I think Show No Mercy may be my favorite album. That or Reign in Blood. You should give it a listen sometime.

Pfft—give it a listen, we’ve listened to it before. We at the Hard Times collectively have listened to every punk and metal album ever created.
Haha, of course, so sorry to have doubted you. Next question.

Uhh yeah we definitely had more questions Ummm… Okay, so we covered the three songs. Can you name three… members?
Tom Araya, Kerry King, Dave Lombardo, and the late great Jeff Hanneman. Additionally, not one of the founding members, but Gary Holt started filling in for Jeff when he was sick, and continued playing with them after his passing. Now Holt, who, despite him not liking me for wearing Slayer merch, which was heartbreaking to hear, was the perfect choice to pay homage to Jeff. I mean the guy has been friends with [Jeff] and the rest of the band for so long, like since they were kids. Being such a talented guitarist and a pioneer of thrash itself, he was the right guy for the job. Though I’m not sure if I’d ever have the guts to tell him that to his face if I ever had the opportunity to meet him. He’d probably call me a poser, and I don’t think I could handle hearing that from a hero of mine. Outside of Slayer, Exodus is one of my favorite bands. Thrash would be nowhere without them. I think they should’ve been included in the Big Four. Get Megadeth out of there. Dave Mustaine is such an ass.

Right… Well, technically you’re incorrect because you kind of named five, but we’ll give it to you. Can you name three times you’ve seen them live?

I saw them twice in the early 2000s on the God Hates us All tour after begging my mom to bring me, and then was lucky enough to catch them on their hopefully not “final” tour. Tickets were expensive, but I’m a millionaire so I splurged on the pit tickets for my sisters and me. For legal reasons, they didn’t put the footage into Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I think they were worried about a Lars Ulrich-type situation or something. Can you name three times you’ve seen them live?

Well they aren’t really heavy enough for me.
Oh. Ok. But surely you can name three of their songs?

Well outside the easy ones you mentioned there’s Angel Breath, St. Anger, and uh, Blood Rain?
Close—Angel of Death and Raining Blood. And although St. Anger unfortunately exists, it’s by a different band. Do you know the name of that band?

Ghost.
What? Eew, no. Okay, this one is easy, name 3 albums.

I, uhh…
You’re doing great, sweetie. Just name 3 albums.

Please!
Name. Three. Albums.

Poohoooooo! I can’t! I can’t do it, okay?! I’ve never listened to them once in my life! I’m afraid! With all the spooky artwork and screaming! Listen, if I don’t look like I listen to Slayer—then I’m outta a job! I’m begging you, please don’t tell them! Please don’t tell them I’m a poser!
Oh dear. Okay, my advice to you: do your squats, eat your vegetables, wear red lipstick, and for the love of God, listen to fucking SLAYER!

Man Hits “Sitting at Synth, Pressing Buttons Without Turning It On” Level of Depression

Posted on by John Danek

MANCHESTER, N.H. — Amateur musician Erik Mulvaney is so depressed that he frequently sits at his synthesizer and presses keys and buttons without ever powering it on, concerned loved ones reported.

“I could flip the switch to turn my synth on, but what’s even the point?” asked a dejected Mulvaney, who recently spent hours making multiple Tidal playlists he has yet to listen to. “I always thought my lack of songwriting motivation stemmed from my lack of decent gear. But nope. I finally got my dream synth; a Sequential Prophet-10. There’s just nothing inside me. So why turn it on? Why make noise? It’s all pointless anyways. The keys and switches feel nice though. Leave me alone.”

Mulvaney’s friends noticed a steady decline in his general demeanor and sense of optimism.

“I knew something was up when he finally got a Hologram Microcosm pedal, then let it sit in the box in his entryway for weeks before opening it,” recounted roommate Luke Johnson, who plays in four local bands with just a Squier Telecaster. “Back when we were teenagers, he would get so excited about any piece of gear that came his way. Hell, he would call me to talk about guitar picks for fuck’s sake. But nowadays? He just dropped $4K on a synth and doesn’t even want to hear it. I just wish I knew how to help him.”

Dr. Nikki Randall, a mental health professional, offered theories as to why creatively-minded people can experience deep bouts of depression.

“When you’re a young musician, you can blame your lack of inspiration on your shitty gear. But when you’re an adult with money? The excuse just doesn’t work anymore,” explained Randall, who specializes in art therapy. “Then, the artist is forced to look inward and must ask if they ever had true artistic inspiration to begin with. Unfortunately, the answer is usually no. But when people realize that that’s ok, they sometimes turn around. There are already too many musicians. The world doesn’t need another one!”

At press time, Mulvaney was allegedly refusing to replace a broken E string on a Martin acoustic that has been broken for weeks now.

Review: Modern Baseball “Holy Ghost”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Today let’s take a trip all the way back to 2016 to take a look at “Holy Ghost” from Philadelphia-based emo band Modern Baseball.

To prepare myself to write this article I did the only thing I could think of, which was to read other reviews of this Modern Baseball album to see if I can just copy and paste what they wrote and call it a day. While the other reviewers all did a bang-up job, none of their articles were plagiarize-worthy.

So I took matters into my own hands and decided to review this album myself. But to make things a little more interesting, I opted to review the version of the album when played backward on my record player.

Again, this review is based on “Holy Ghost” in reverse, so if you want one of those normal reviews where they listen to it forwards then I suggest you go to Pitchfork or maybe even just listen to the album yourself. That’s probably easier than reading.

Anyway, everyone knows that when you play a record in reverse the first thing you look for is the subliminal messages baked into the recording. Bands love to hide little secret messages that are either demonic-based or reveal some fairly personal information.

Take the Beatles, for example. Some say that if you play every single one of their songs in reverse the band reveals that Paul McCartney is dead. And here I was thinking it was John, George, and Ringo who weren’t alive anymore.

Slayer on the other hand has been known to back mask different kinds of subliminal messages in their songs. They go the more evil route though. Turns out, adding satanic imagery to music when played backward pairs well with satanic imagery heard forwards. You got to love their consistency.

That brings us back to the messages in this Modern Baseball album. In the song “Note to Self,” I clearly hear the line, “like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.” Then, in the song “Breathing in Stereo,” you can kind of hear the singer say, “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

Long story short. This album has as many catchy hooks and jingles backward as I imagine it does forwards. Haven’t yet played it the regular way just yet. Anyway, stay tuned for the forward review of this album one day.

Score: 5 out of 5 product placements.

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Band Honorably Goes Down With Flooding Rehearsal Space

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

BRATTLEBORO, VT — Brave members of the late synth-punk band Ejector Seats experienced a flood from a burst sewage pipe in their rehearsal space, during which they decided to play on, sources close to the group confirmed.

“You could tell from the look in their eyes that they knew it was the honorable thing to do,” said a tearful Kerri Smythe, partner of lead keyboardist, who was invited to watch the band practice that day. “They paused just a moment to salute one another and admitted what an honor it was to serve in the Seats these past few years, and then continued their set as if murky water wasn’t rising up to their belly buttons. As for me, I got the hell out of there!”

Though many recalled the calamity with sentimentality and awe, others were merely confused why anyone would intentionally meet their demise in such a way.

“The pipe was in plain view, and quite frankly, not that difficult for any idiot to re-attach temporarily until a professional got there,” said local plumber Lonny Vermucci Jr. “Going down with your crew is a romantic idea if you’re on a battleship or something, but going down with your keytar? In a basement full of shit water? That confuses me.”

Noted Navy oceanographer Bob Ballard had a more sympathetic viewpoint and offered his plans for a full-on investigation of the wreckage.

“Between you, me, and the barrier reef, I’ve been looking for an excuse to rev up the ol’ Argo, which has been collecting dust in my garage since exhuming the Titanic,” said an excited Ballard. “Through sonar, I should be able to pinpoint all the vintage synthesizers down there, and learn what made these guys tick.”

“Oh, and I call dibs on a Microkorg, if we find one,” Ballard added. “I need that built-in vocoder for my upcoming ambient album ‘Sounds From Way, Way Down.’ I still regret not swiping anything from the damn Titanic.”

At press time, recorded audio from a distress call made by one band member in secret revealed that the group ended up drowning in only three feet of water.