It seems like everyone has a podcast nowadays and finding a way to rise above all the noise to actually garner more listeners than just your family – who are only pretending that they listen – is a business unto itself. But we here at the Hard Times have a sure-fire pod-hack to ensure you have thousands of listeners.
We recommend, before you even think of picking up a microphone, that you toil in obscurity for a decade in another medium to transition your fandom over to the world of podcasting.
Whether it is acting, sports, politics, or even (as a last resort) being a social media influencer, the best way to top the Apple podcast charts is already having a massive following. If you don’t have a Blue Check next to your name and at least twenty-five thousand followers on Twitter then it won’t matter why your wrestling podcast is better than the other seven-hundred and forty-eight wrestling podcasts.
Sure you could submit your podcast for consideration to a podcast recommendation website, but unless you’ve written for The Simpsons there is little chance they will even listen to your Asian Snack Review podcast or whatever the hell it is you talk about, let alone recommend it. Sure you might be a tenured history professor hosting a well-researched and thorough podcast on The Byzantine Empire but, come on, let’s be real… Do you even have a Twitch stream?
If you are completely talentless, we would recommend getting arrested at the next Trump coup attempt and then using the money you raised for a legal defense to start a right-wing podcast network. From what we hear, it isn’t too hard to get sponsored by doomsday preparation supply companies.
Perhaps you are tangentially famous, that might work too. Are your parents rich and/or famous? You could start a very successful self-help podcast filled with nonsense about vision boards, mindfulness, and The Secret to convince the working class that it was your tenacity and work ethic that got you to where you are and not your parents’ wealth and influences.
When it is all said and done, your shitty True Crime podcast about a murder in Davenport or whatever will never make back the money you paid to store them on Buzzsprout’s servers. We recommend you try to become popular in easier ways, like accidentally shooting yourself at a Tampa Bay alligator farm.