DENVER — A number of attendees at a recent performance complained about one show-off in the crowd for waving a massive torch along with other showgoers’ lighters and flashlights during the band’s slower numbers, confirmed sources coughing while doing their best to avoid getting singed.
“There’s nothing like looking around at a show when the tempo drops and seeing that everybody’s teary eyed, all connected, waving their Bics in harmony,” said Valerie Berns, who was directly behind the man during the set. “It’s spiritual. But, of course, some people need to make that moment about them, like this dude. I get it, we all want memories, but is it too much to ask to not turn other people’s heads into barbecue? I didn’t come here for third-degree burns.”
While the venue received a number of complaints about the showboat’s choice of vibey solidarity device, his position squarely in the middle of the crowd shielded him from security dousing his torch.
“Lighters are dated, and cell phone flashlights make the audience look like a constellation,” said torch-bearer Drew Morrison. “Sorry, no band’s impressed by your Samsung Galaxy, pal. I want a performer to notice me, so I need to put on a little show of my own. That’s why I break out a big, kerosene-soaked beast of a torch for the songs that call for it, and just go to town. I look like I’m trying to kill a fly, and I have had a number of bands both notice me and ban me from their shows for it.”
A number of the musicians on stage did acknowledge Morrison’s antics, an undeniably impressive feat for an otherwise random face in a concert crowd.
“I saw the guy with the torch in the crowd, yeah,” said Sawyer Leeds, rhythm guitarist. “While part of me was impressed by him getting the thing through security in the first place, a bigger part of me was so distracted by the danger he posed to everybody, so I kind of just zoned out and Phished it for a bit. It was our longest show as a result, so. I guess that’s something?”
At press time, a number of audience members were seen holding their lighters together, creating a sort of hybrid flame to pull focus away from Morrison, which ultimately succeeded in distracting the band even further and landing a number of people pretty ugly hand burns.
