I Lived Fast, but Didn’t Die Young. Now What?!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

I had a plan! My star was going to shine so brightly that it burned out before my time! I was supposed to get stupid rich than poor again from polluting my body beyond recognition. And I’m not saying I’m talented enough to deserve death at 27, but I just turned 32 and I’m starting to think I just didn’t go hard enough. Now what?!

I never once imagined life in my 30s, and now I’m here looking around like I’m in limbo or something. Don’t get me wrong, my situation is very similar to my 20s. I’m still living with eight other impoverished “artists”, scheming and plotting ways to make rent every month, but I just get sleepy after a few beers now and I’m too much of a coward to off myself. So I guess this is just life now.

This dumb human experience finds a way to force you into drinking less, eating right, and planning for the future, because if you don’t die young, slowly beating your body into submission in your 40s or 50s is just plain sad. No one says, “The way that 45-year-old drank himself to death was a real rockstar move!” Everyone knows 29 is the peak!

Biggie, Tupac, and Kurt Cobain had the right idea. Sure, everyone was sad at first, but the coolness of how young they were lives on. Their T-shirts are still worn by kids 30 years later. John Belushi and Chris Farley waited till they were 33, and everyone was like, “Aw man, those full-grown adults must’ve really been dealing with some shit. And that just makes us all sad.

Man, I went way harder than my friends who actually died. Everyone goes on and on about them, and I’m like, “Hello! Remember when I jumped off of our moving tour bus after washing down a handful of mystery pills with a bottle of Jack?!” I only broke both legs and got 29 stitches in my head. And the mystery ended up being melatonin. Just unlucky I guess. And after all the abuse I put my body through, I guess I’ll just feel like I’m 90 till… Well, whenever I happen to slowly fizzle out like every other nameless, faceless loser.

Boyfriend Safely Moves Line 6 Spider Outside Instead of Killing It

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BALTIMORE — Local man Clyde Harris showed great restraint when he gently and thoughtfully relocated the Line 6 Spider that scared his girlfriend to the front porch instead of killing it, confirmed sources who are still a little shaken up.

“I heard Kensy (Clarke) scream ‘ew ew ew kill it, kill it!’ when she walked into our bedroom. I ran and realized the Spider was just sitting there next to the bed,” said Harris in reference to the 15-watt solid-state amplifier with the dial set to insane mode. “I know Spiders aren’t for everybody, but my big rig is at the rehearsal space, so when Kensy made a stink about it, I just put it out on the porch where it wouldn’t bother her. She got kind of upset when she found out I didn’t destroy it outright, she thinks it will somehow get back into the house, but it’s just sitting there minding its own business and collecting some bugs.”

Clarke stated that Harris’ lack of killer instinct has her reevaluating their entire relationship.

“I’ve talked to Clyde about my fear of Spiders ad nauseam. It’s why I won’t step foot into a Guitar Center. That place is littered with them, hanging from the ceiling, on the ground, everywhere. The fact that he did anything other than throw that thing in the fucking ocean is unforgivable,” Clarke lamented while peeking onto the porch to make sure the Spider was gone for good. “A good Spider is a dead one, and Clyde needs to figure that out before we have a terrible gear infestation. I mean, they’re 100% digital. How the fuck can there be a ‘tape echo’ setting? Everything about it is disgusting.”

Legendary amplifier anthropologist Leroy Stuart weighed in on the controversy and suggests a fair middle ground.

“Spiders are good for the ecosystem, there’s no doubt about it,” Stuart claims. “A Spider in the living area keeps the Mesa Boogie at the rehearsal space, and I don’t think that’s something that most people realize. Sure, a Spider may seemingly have very few redeeming qualities, but it doesn’t have enough juice to get the whole band jamming in the living room when the guys are just stopping by to play some video games. I’d suggest throwing a decorative tapestry over the Spider during its dormant phases, and I think this whole thing could blow over.”

At Press time, Harris was spotted relocating the Spider to the damp basement, an environment where Spiders thrive according to Stuart.

Peanuts Gang Finally Call Child Protective Services on Pigpen’s Parents

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

HENNEPIN COUNTY, Minn. — The largely unsupervised Peanuts gang has finally called Child Protective Services on the parents of their unhygienic and destitute classmate Pigpen.

“When we were younger we didn’t think much about how filthy Pigpen was. Some kids like to play in the dirt, you know? I mean, good grief, Linus used to take dumps in the pumpkin patch to ‘feed the great pumpkin.’ Children do weird stuff. But we’re in middle school now, and Pigpen still shows up to school covered in filth and soot like he’s a dust bowl migrant,” explained friend Charlie Brown. “A few years ago I did try telling one of our teachers about it, but all we got was a bunch of white noise. After talking it over with everyone, we all decided to call Child Protective Services.”

Despite being severely at-risk for Legionarres’ disease and pinworms, Pigpen claimed he was “blindsided” by his friends.

“It makes sense now why mysterious care packages of wet wipes and sticks of Old Spice have started showing up in my desk at school. Still, I wish my so-called friends had tried talking to me first instead of going to the feds,” said Pigpen while emitting large puffs of dust despite remaining perfectly still. “Yeah, it is true that Pigpen Sr. went out for a pack of Lucky Strikes a few years ago and my mom has been dancing at the 19th Hole to make ends meet. And we haven’t had running water since the Eisenhower administration. But we’re getting by, ok? Last thing I’ll say is, you better run for your life, Charlie Brown. That blockhead’s days are numbered.”

Social worker Poppy Burris noted the issue may go well beyond Pigpen’s household.

“Frankly, I think every child here is being neglected. I’ve been all over this neighborhood and have yet to see an adult. I saw one boy clutching to a blankie for dear life, clearly a trauma response,” said Burris. “I also asked one particularly butch little girl what she does for food, and apparently a bird and a dog occasionally will make the children buttered toast and popcorn.”

In addition to the government intervening in the Peanuts crew’s home lives, the local district is under fire after allowing a dog wearing a sweater and sunglasses to attend classes for over a decade.

Mom Urges HAIM Sisters to Take Their Little Brother With Them on Tour Once in a While Too

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Local mother Donna Haim urged the three members of her daughters’ band HAIM to take their little brother with them on tour so he wouldn’t feel left out, sources who were consequently sent to their rooms without dinner confirmed.

“I just think it would be nice if little Jeffrey was included from time to time,” said the mother of four while crocheting a few HAIM doilies she thought would go well with the band’s merch booth. “After all, he has a lot of musical talent that they can use in their little band. He used to play the recorder in second grade and a Fisher-Price xylophone he got for his fourth birthday before that. He even performed as the seventh lead in the musical ‘Hairspray’ for his sixth-grade recital. He’ll fit right in. Regardless, I’m not asking them to bring him along, I’m telling them to.”

Alana Haim, the guitarist of the band, was none too pleased with their mother’s suggestion.

“Sorry, but there’s just no room on this tour for another Haim sibling,” said the “Licorice Pizza” star. “Not to mention our whole vibe will be totally thrown off. After all, I’m the brains of this operation, Danielle is the brawn, and Este is everything else. You see? We just don’t have a use for a kid who plays ‘Minecraft’ all day. Plus, we’re known specifically as a trio. Have you ever heard of a trio with four people? I don’t think so.”

Music historian Lucille Kennedy noted the struggles of family-based bands.

“Being in a band with only a select few members of your family while excluding others can be extremely tricky,” said Kennedy. “Jerry Van Halen was curiously left out of Van Halen. Ethan Gallagher was surprisingly not in Oasis. And Tegan and Sara famously did not include their identical triplet Tabitha because it would, in their words, ‘ruin a great band name.’ As a rule of thumb, if you include at least one other family member in your band, you should allow them all to participate so no one feels left out. I’m talking siblings, cousins, grandparents and so on. Let them all in. Just not your dad though. You have to draw the line somewhere.”

At press time, Donna Haim switched course and urged her daughters to give her grandkids.

We Sat Down With a Guy Who Blasts a Bluetooth Speaker in Public Instead of Using Headphones and Beat the Entire Fuck Out of Him

Posted on by John Danek

Urban life has its ups and downs. On one hand, you can find something cool to do almost every night of the week. But then again, you can find 5 annoying people on every single corner.

Nowhere is the city experience more difficult than on a city subway. On our way to work, we sat down next to and chatted with the guy who blasts his Bluetooth speaker on 10 the whole ride instead of just using headphones like a reasonable human being.

THE HARD TIMES: Hey man, can you turn that down? I can’t even hear my podcast in my earbuds.
SPEAKER GUY: What??

Yeah, exactly. Your speaker is so loud, it’s wildly inconsiderate to everyone else around you.
I can’t hear you man.

Yes, we fucking know. NO ONE CAN HEAR SHIT BECAUSE YOU ARE BLASTING REGGAETON SO LOUD, IT SOUNDS LIKE BLACK METAL. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST USE HEADPHONES?
NAH, I HATE HEADPHONES. THEY SUCK AND HURT MY EARS AFTER A WHILE. THIS IS BETTER.

NO, IT ISN’T. IT SOUNDS LIKE SHIT. YOU CAN’T EVEN HEAR THE BASS. IT WOULD GENUINELY SOUND BETTER TO YOU IF YOU JUST WORE HEADPHONES. YOU JUST HAVEN’T FOUND THE RIGHT PAIR YET.
PEOPLE LIKE WHEN I PLAY MUSIC, EVERYONE GETS TO ENJOY IT. LOOK, EVERYONE HERE LIKES IT.

EVERYONE IS AVOIDING EYE CONTACT WITH YOU. MUSIC IS A PERSONAL, SUBJECTIVE EXPERIENCE. PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY LISTEN TO AND NOT HAVE GODDAMN FM RADIO TRASH SHOVED DOWN THEIR THROAT ON THE WAY TO WORK.
SPEAKER GUY: *somehow turns his speaker up louder*

It was at this point that our interview ended because I was so overcome with rage that I grabbed the Bluetooth speaker and smashed it off the floor. Before speaker guy could react, I started punching him in the side of the head. Other subway riders joined in with me, and we jumped the shit out of him. I went through his pockets and stole his USB charging cable so he can’t charge the speaker anymore.

When police finally arrived on the scene, they were 2 hours late and shot an unrelated bystander in the back.

Oh, so, It’s Okay To Write a Screenplay in a Starbucks but I’m Not Allowed to Record a Thrash Album?!

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

This morning I woke up motivated. Motivated to make art. So, just like so many amateur artists in America, I drove to one of the two Starbucks that are equidistant from my house, got a Tall coffee, and set to work. I was vibing with all the creative energy that surrounded me; screenwriters, graphic designers, poets, playwrights, and novelists. However, I was barely two minutes into recording a riff for the title track of my new album Acid Breath when I was asked to leave the premises.

What happened to artists supporting artists?! Just because my art is, as you put it, “causing a major disturbance,” and, “giving you tinnitus,” doesn’t mean that it is any less important than whatever the hell it is you’re working on. If I knew I would come up against this kind of censorship I wouldn’t have dragged my entire drum kit down here.

Let’s be honest, my album will be up on BandCamp by the end of the week. Is anyone going to read your short story about vampire art students or whatever the hell? No. No one is going to come to see your stupid play about Kalipso Chalkidou. You will never get funding for an A24 copycat independent film about rumspringa crust punks. But the album Acid Breath by Fungus Frost will change the world of metal forever.

No wonder your stupid employees can’t unionize when every employee here is a fascist philistine. Why don’t we just have a book burning in front of the french press display while we are at it? Maybe we should deface a Picasso in the unisex bathroom!

And for your information, I am not, “screaming,” into the microphone. It’s called singing. Do you understand the talent it takes to do a proper death growl and transition it into a Halford-eque falsetto? And if my lyrics offend you, one, don’t bring your children to an adult business, and two, Walking Corpse Syndrome is a real disease and it has affected me personally. I’m trying to teach people with my music, unlike the AI-generated picture you pretend is art.

Screw this, I’m going to Dunkin’.

White Woman Hearing About White Fragility Quick to Remind Biracial Woman She Half-White Too, You Know

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local white woman Donna Phelps helpfully reminded her biracial friend Mariah Dominguez that they are, in fact, partially white too, upon hearing the term “white fragility” for the first time, confirmed sources who wished to no longer be in the room.

“I was talking with Mariah and she said something about some new term ‘white fragility,’ I guess,” Phelps recalled. “She told me it’s about how white people get uncomfortable hearing and talking about racism and stuff, which is just so gross. Luckily, Mariah and I can learn through this whole thing together seeing as how she’s half-white. She’s got a toe in the pool too, so I’m actually not even sure why she’s being so adamant about this, but I guess it’s just my job to seem like I’m listening.”

While some friends have been open-minded in the most clueless sense of the term, others were a bit offended by the lesson.

“I don’t see the differences in people, so I guess I just never really thought of Mariah as particularly ethnic. I like to get to know people for who they are,” explained coworker and self-proclaimed friend Erica Kemper-Shore, whose knowledge of Dominguez extends only to the fact that they both like going to Five Guys for lunch. “Maybe some people might need to know these things, but to call white people ‘fragile?’ I mean, a racist joke is a racist joke, you can’t deny that. Black people can be racist too! Insinuating that everyone else is perfect just makes you look dumb.”

Friend in question, Dominguez, explained that everything went exactly as she expected.

“I honestly don’t even know why in the fuck this came up, but I’m not surprised it did and am definitely not surprised by how it went down,” she explained, of the 25 minutes spent listening to a hypothetical situation involving a Mexican woman and a security guard. “Basically, half of my life is spent fielding questions about every single type of food on Earth, and the other half is spent holding my breath around white people who feel completely comfortable saying racist shit around me, including at least half of my family. This is actually pretty mild in comparison.”

At press time, Dominguez was pointing a loaded gun into her mouth and pulling the trigger after a nearby person who “couldn’t help but overhear” assured the group that there is only one race—the human race.

New Father Suspicious of Wife and Black Metal Neighbor After Baby Born With Corpse Paint

Posted on by Tim Graham

BUFFALO, N.Y. — New father Gareth Desmond began to question his wife’s fidelity after she gave birth to a baby in full corpse paint which matched their black metal neighbor’s signature look, hospital staff confirmed.

“I love baby Elijah no matter what, but I have to admit I was a bit freaked out when I saw those creepy markings and his deep scowl,” said Mr. Desmond. “I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I couldn’t help wondering—could this have something to do with my neighbor? Wendy has been taking guitar lessons from him, she started wearing Emperor long sleeve shirts, and constantly talks about wanting to visit the Scandinavian countries. She used to just be into pop music, maybe some indie stuff. But you know, good for her for pursuing new interests, I guess?”

Neighbor Damien Invictus of the black metal band Interminable Bloodmoon insists there’s nothing to be concerned about and that the relationship is strictly platonic.

“Wendy is my student, and yes, she’s become a friend,” said the long-haired guitarist while he sharpened an ornate Viking sword. “I’ve been able to introduce her to some new music and new ways of thinking and I was surprised how quickly she took to it. Eventually, I started showing her how to play some riffs, that’s all. As far as accusations of impropriety, that’s utter nonsense. If you look at the baby’s facial markings, you can see that it’s more of a modern Swedish style, while my own aesthetic is one hundred percent classic 90s Norwegian. Anyone can see how absurd the allegations of an affair are based on that fact alone.”

Geneticist Stephen Zhang says that while extremely rare, it is possible that repeated, prolonged use of makeup could be passed down to an offspring, lending some credence to Desmond’s suspicions.

“There is some research in the nascent field of cosmetic epigenetics that could explain such phenomena where superficial alterations to a parent’s body could be inherited by offspring,” said Dr. Zhang. “I recently researched the case of a heavily tattooed punk couple whose baby was born with a birthmark that clearly spelled out ‘ACAB.’ Some of my colleagues believe these occurrences are a natural extension of the evolutionary process. Personally, I blame 5G.”

At press time, Mrs. Desmond left her accounting job to serve as Interminable Bloodmoon’s tour manager and was planning on taking Elijah to join the band on the road for several months.

Power Metal Singer Recognized More for Being Guy Who Serves Turkey Legs at Renaissance Faire Than for Band

Posted on by Chris Bowen

STERLING, N.Y. — Local metalhead Johnathan Riccitiello admittedly received more recognition for serving turkey legs at the local Renaissance Faire than for his time in the power metal band Enchanted Light, sources confirmed.

“I thought it would be a good idea to get a side gig at the yearly Ren Faire aside from the hobby shop I work at, and the fact I can wear my stage attire there is icing on the cake,” Riccitiello said while searching for his eight-sided die. “Little did I know, I’d constantly be recognized as ‘turkey leg guy’ instead of as the bombastic singer of the group that came in third place in the most recent battle of the bands. It’s so bad that people will stop us in the middle of our set and say, ‘Oh hey! You’re the dork from the Renaissance Faire!’ No, actually I’m the power metal dork who’s trying to get through this set so I can make it to work on time at the Good Morrow Dub n’ Grub booth at the faire. Jerks.”

Riccitiello’s longtime girlfriend Rachel Dickinson detailed her boyfriend’s frustrations.

“It seems like whenever we go out in public, at least three or four people recognize John for what he does at the Renaissance Faire,” said Dickinson. “Occasionally, a metalhead will come up to him telling him he had a great set, but they’re still usually still somehow referencing something turkey leg related. I can tell it frustrates John, and I’ve tried to convince him to do the jousting tournament so his face can be covered, but I guess he needs a few more years under his belt to get to that level.”

Manager of the festival Donald Sterling revealed the connection between heavy metal and the renaissance arts.

“80% of the workers hired here are somehow related to one very specific genre of music,” Sterling exclaimed through a plume of cigar smoke. “I always thought heavy metal was supposed to be tough. Knife fights and partying nonstop and such. But no, half these guys wear elf ears and carry wooden swords, which coincidentally makes them very attractive to employers like me.”

At press time, a crowd gathered around Enchanted Light’s bass player after a recent show wanting to get an autograph from the Renaissance Faire’s Rumpelstiltskin.

Man Puts on Podcast for Something in the Background While He Listens to a Podcast

Posted on by Harry Valentine

ATLANTA — Local time management specialist Troy Washington played a podcast while he caught up on an entirely different podcast, sources confirmed.

“Total timesaver,” said Washington while listening to two songs at once to see if it had the same effect. “I’m way behind on The Daily, and you’re supposed to listen to that like, every day, even though it’s more arduous to get through than basic household chores. So while I was catching up on that podcast, I put WTF on in the background. By the time I had finished half-learning about some tax loophole, I had also finished half-hearing Marc Maron ask the Doobie Brothers where they grew up. Unfortunately, I was so busy trying to focus on both podcasts at once that I couldn’t get anything done around the house.”

While Washington is adamant that the innovation has no downsides, his roommate Jesse Blanco disagrees.

“He plays one podcast on a Bluetooth speaker, and the other on the kitchen Alexa. At the same time. Who does that?” said a visibly annoyed Blanco. “I came home from work one day and it was like walking into a boring party where everyone is invisible. Troy was just sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the Roku screensaver while simultaneously listening to This American Life and a podcast about ‘Gilmore Girls.’ I locked myself in my room to block out the noise, but it didn’t work. I could barely hear my Joe Rogan.”

According to the health officials, Washington’s behavior is part of a larger trend with major side effects.

“The laundry is simply not getting done anymore thanks to this new fad,” said Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC. “Double podcasting removes the urge to do all the things people would do while listening to a single podcast. If these people don’t get salmonella from eating off of a dirty dish, then they’ll get tetanus from jamming a can into an already full trash bin. Since the double podcasting trend began we’ve seen a 4000% rise in commuting accidents. Turns out, humans weren’t built to focus on three things at once. One single thing is hard enough.”

At press time, Washington put on an episode of “Ted Lasso” in the background while he got caught up with the latest season of “Better Call Saul.”