HILDALE, Utah – 28-year-old polygamist Jacob Jensen is ready to leave his bachelor days behind and become a devoted husband and father to a number of families, sources who never thought that would ever happen confirmed.
“I’ll admit, for the last decade, I’ve mostly only cared about myself. I’ve dated plenty of women and even had a few longer-term relationships simultaneously, but I’m finally ready to build something meaningful with my soulmates,” said Jensen, who was wearing a collared dress shirt buttoned all the way up. “Lately I’ve realized I’m not getting any younger, you know? It feels like it’s time for me to stop avoiding commitment and settle down with wives and have kids. I think I’ll have maybe seven or eight families tops. Anything more would just look ludicrous.”
Michael Christensen, Jensen’s best friend of over twenty years, fully supported his growth as a person.
“Jacob has always been a bit of a wild one, if you know what I mean. But he has a real good heart. Now that he’s decided to settle down, he’s going to make some women very happy,” said Christensen while scrolling Pinterest to research ideas for Jensen’s “Save the Dates” cards. “I assume I’ll be best man for at least a small handful of his weddings. After all, I’ve got his first four bachelor parties already planned out. His newfound maturity reminds me of the times my wives and I got married. It was the best handful of decisions I’ve ever made. He’s going to love it.”
Jensen’s parents are looking forward to finally becoming grandparents.
“All you can ask is that your kids are happy, healthy, and give you grandchildren as soon as humanly possible,” said Joseph Jensen. “Jacob’s grown up a lot in the last couple of years—he’s in a good place now. He works hard, has a great job. He’ll make an excellent husband and father. Our Jacob is such a handsome young man too. Several women would be lucky to marry him. I’m just excited that we’ll finally get the 40 to 50 grandkids we’ve always wanted!”
At press time, Jensen started second-guessing his decision after estimating the cost of multiple engagement rings, wedding ceremonies, and a few dozen kids’ college funds despite his strong desire to become a “families man.”