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We Sat Down With a Bunch of Five Finger Death Punch Fans Because We Have Court Mandated Anger Management

We acknowledge that sometimes our anger gets the best of us, and we acknowledge that we didn’t need to start a fight at the Reel Big Fish show, but we asked that guy very nicely to stop spilling his drink on us and he didn’t. So, here we are.

We didn’t really know what to expect in anger management, but a room made up entirely of men seemed about right. What we didn’t expect though, was to feel so out of place, because besides struggling with controlling their anger in a healthy manner, all of these men have one key thing in common: they all love Five Finger Death Punch.

It didn’t hit us until when it was his turn to share, one of the members said “I’m a little bit off today” and everyone smiled and clapped and threw up metal horns. After that, it was clear we were the only people in the group who didn’t own a shirt covered in skulls and brass knuckles.

There was so much camo in the room that at first, we thought we thought we were alone. Then we started wondering if we had accidentally walked into a combat veteran support group, but it turns out none of these guys have ever served. They just really like the military.

The flyer said there would be refreshments, but all they had was a fridge full of Monster, which everyone had multiple cans of during our one-hour meeting. We really wish we’d grown a goatee or chin strap before coming, because man, we stuck out like a sore thumb.

Apparently Ivan Moody himself is a member of the group, but one of the members, Jim, or “Pain” as he prefers to go by, told us he hasn’t shown up in a while. He just kind of drops in every few months, gives some fist bumps, and leaves.

Pain told us that last time he got pissed off when someone accidentally stepped on his foot, and he threw a chair and walked out. No one has heard from him since.

We still have seven more meetings to go to meet the court requirement. Believe me when we say we’ve learned our lesson. The mere thought of having to listen to “War is the Answer” cover to cover again is more than enough to make us take a good long look in the mirror. But if anyone ever does spill beer on us at a show again, Pain says he’s “got our six.”