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Weed Snob Fills Bong with Evian

LOS ANGELES — Software Developer and self-described “weed snob” Aiden Crispin exclusively fills his bong with chilled Evian, sources rolling their admittedly red eyes confirm.

“I see no problem with doing whatever it takes to get a clean, flavorful high,” said Crispin while meticulously grinding his nugs with a mortar and pestle. “L.A. County water just doesn’t have the right TDS–that’s total dissolved solids–for peak profile top notes. See, when the cloud goes through the bong, it kisses that water with a high heat, and it comes up through the chamber better than when it went down. I’ve tried just about every kind of water you can buy. Blind taste test. And Evian just has the right mineral content to make the weed taste better and get you higher than other competitors. No question.”

Not everyone who knows Crispin is impressed with his level of detail while consuming marijuana.

“Aiden can be really annoying about how he gets high,” said Mike Fernandez, a friend who plays Magic the Gathering weekly at Crispin’s Silverlake bungalo. “One time I was filling a bong in the sink and he slapped it out of my hands so hard it shattered on the floor. He said he’d rather break the piece than tarnish it with bad water. Thing is, he has the best weed I’ve ever smoked. So I put up with his dumb house rules.”

Experts in the legal cannabis industry say that in the last few years, the scrutiny consumers put on both the product and methods of consumption has wildly increased.

“I think it’s a combination of too much money and too much time on their hands,” said Gabby Hanson, budtender at Santa Monica dispensary Among the Clouds. “It’s always tech bros who come in and ask about the terroir’s mineral levels or the name of the person who cut the crop in production or the chemical breakdown of the terpenes and shit. Seven years ago you had to wait around in a Ralph’s parking lot for a dealer named Loco to sell you dirt weed. It’s crazy how fast people have taken all the fun out of getting high.”

At press time, friends say Crispin was blowing up a group chat about a bag of cocaine he scored that was processed with 93 octane gasoline.