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Opinion: Just Because I’m Straight Edge Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Start a Bar Fight

I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs. Never have, never will. People seem to have a hard time with that concept. They either get nosy and ask what I used to be addicted to or they congratulate me for “staying sober.” When I clarify that I’ve never had a problem, people usually take that as a green light to nudge me to have “just one drink” or “fun.”

When I tell people I’m straight edge, they think I’m being condescending or judgmental. Also, I don’t think Gen Z even knows what straight edge means. Then again, who knows what straight edge means these days? So, on nights like tonight when I don’t feel like fielding questions, I just keep drinking my seltzer with lime, letting everyone assume it’s a vodka tonic. Patiently waiting for the perfect moment to incite mayhem.

See, just because I’m straight edge doesn’t mean I won’t start, and end, this bar fight.

I paid a cover charge to get into this bar and the band is not playing my $12 worth so it’s time for some real entertainment. I don’t need drugs and alcohol to have fun. And I definitely don’t need them to start a bar fight.

From the moment it starts it’s so exciting! Fighting drunk strangers gives me a thrill like no other. I’d do anything to keep experiencing it regardless of the cost to my personal life and the safety of those around me. You might say I’m addicted to fighting. You might. Not me.

That said, it’s almost 11:30 and things are starting to get a little too rowdy for my enjoyment. I better head out and walk to my car, which is exactly where I remember parking it, and safely drive home. What a fun night! I can’t wait to get to work early tomorrow feeling rested and hydrated. Cheers!