What do we know about Jello Biafra? We know he once ran for mayor of San Francisco and that his voice is the tonal equivalent of a rubber chicken being slowly eroded against an industrial belt sander. That was enough for us at the Hard Times to speculate wildly about how the legendary Dead Kennedys singer would actually handle himself in a variety of other government positions.
Look, you know the deal – here’s us ripping someone far more accomplished than we’ll ever be a new asshole just because we feel like it.
50. U.S. Senate Page
The one thing he would hate more than being an actual senator is being a senator’s unpaid intern. The best we could hope for here is that it inspires a new solo concept album about recent repeals to the CFR regulations.
49. DEA Agent
Jello once snorted coke off of three buttholes at the same time, one of them being his own. So even though he has an acute familiarity with substances, he’s nowhere near the best choice to regulate them.
48. Pallbearer at Reagan’s Funeral
We’re pretty sure that, by the end of his life, Ronald Reagan didn’t have any living friends who were still able to lift their own fork, let alone a fascist’s casket. But regardless, we’re pretty confident that Jello never got a callback for the position.
47. Secret Service Agent
Are you fucking kidding us? There’s a halfway decent chance he’d pull the trigger himself.
46. Supreme Court Judge
Look, we’d love to see Jello lay out Brett Kavanaugh on his own smug, beer-swollen face with “Terminal Preppie’ as the soundtrack. But admittedly, it doesn’t make for a great working relationship. At least it didn’t for us with our last boss at Panera.
45. Swan Deporter
A little-known government appointment, but one that is vital to the preservation of the republic. Someone’s gotta send all those goddamn lake birds back to where they came from – lakes!Also, Jello can’t swim, so he’s not gonna do great at this totally real job.
44. PennDOT Diesel and Construction Equipment Mechanic
Bureaucracy. Automotive maintenance. The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. These are just a few of the things that Jello is sorely unequipped to deal with on a daily basis. And unfortunately this job involves all three, so let’s just skip it.
43. Antarctic Researcher
Jello doesn’t do cold because cold makes jello freeze (*cue rimshot sound effect).
42. Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier
Even suspending Jello’s feelings towards members of the military (unknown or otherwise) we simply cannot imagine he would be capable of carrying out the various duties of a guard. He wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone and that might drive him insane. Besides, those guns are too heavy and you have to carry them the whole time!
41. Intelligence Analyst
Any position where Jello is forced to interact with cops is going to be a non-starter. Also, we’re going to guess that any data he gathers is gonna skew a little towards the “fuck this job and all of you fuckers” variety, which may not be the most helpful to law enforcement.
40. Secretary of Defense
Jello would immediately dissolve the entire military-industrial complex on day one of this job, which would also include dissolving the position himself. Essentially, he would make himself obsolete, and we’ll let you all insert your own jokes after that last statement.
39. FCC Censor
No fucking way. That’s some real PMRC bullshit right there.
38. Towel Boy at Camp David
If you need a punk rock singer to gleefully dry off politicians on vacation after a dip in a cool, refreshing natural spring, then you’d have better luck with Michale Graves. Jello isn’t interested.
37. Truancy Officer
Oddly enough, one encouraging encounter with Officer Biafra is enough to convince most kids to immediately return to school and never leave again simply out of the knowledge that he is still out there waiting for them somewhere.
36. Comptroller
Look, we don’t know what in the hell a comptroller does. And frankly we don’t feel like looking it up ‘cause government jobs are mostly boring as shit. Let’s just say Big J would suck at this and move on.
35. Daycare Administrator for the Pentagon
No one who works at the Pentagon would allow their children anywhere near Jello. We have to believe this is partly because he would actively be bilking the kids for any military secrets they may have overheard at home so he can write a new song.
34. Air Traffic Controller
This isn’t even one of the fun airplane jobs! We don’t even know that there are fun airplane jobs but we know this certainly isn’t one of them. Forget it, he would hate this.
33. Biochemical Weapons Expert
Sure, Jello has the know-how (“Chemical Warfare,” “Kill the Poor,” “Kepone Factory”) but does he have the grit to actually gas the population? Don’t think about that second part – we’re giving him the benefit of the doubt.
32. Game and Wildlife Warden
Jello might champion some animal protection causes, but doesn’t he actually have to interact with nature for this position. Oof – it’s hard to tell just which part of the man would cause the mass stampede first.
31. Fall guy
If you’ve got a conspiracy to pin on someone, then for the love of fuck don’t try to pin it on Jello. He will never shut up about it and, despite our best efforts, is unkillable. This is just a conspiratorial mess waiting to happen.
30. Director for the Bureau of Land Management
Jello would be frustrated to shit at this job. All this country does with land is misappropriate it. He is never gonna be able to change that.
On name alone, this psychotropic mushroom is begging to be available everywhere from crystal shops to smoothie shoppes. Get some friends together, open your minds and see what fills the space. One note: This drug actually stands zero chance of being made legal next year… because it already is!!
Walk around any town in Colorado and you’ll be asking yourself, “Wait, this stuff isn’t legal?” And maybe that’s the problem. Use is on the rise and increasingly dangerous due to unregulated additives since it’s all provided on the Black Market. Think of it like this; jumping a snowmobile over a barn is legal in Colorado but that’s not what makes people want to try it. Certain folks will always go for the rush, let’s not perpetuate unnecessary violence and corruption around inevitable behavior.
Dexedrine is the stimulant that got the world through WWII and later housewives through their day before becoming prescription-only in the ‘70s. For all its run-through-the-woods-naked headiness, Colorado is also a place that likes to get shit done- just look at Governor Jared Polis’s progressive gun reform. Naturally Colorado is ready to relegalize a good austere upper.
A key virtue of any evolved society is the ability to admit a mistake. The near-deadly combination of alcohol and taurine made famous by Four Loko was a freedom that never should’ve been taken away. There’s only one place to get that unmistakable feeling of your heart about to explode out your ears and by God it deserves its place back on the shelves.
In the event someone figures out it does, in fact, get you high, Colorado wants to be ahead of the curve. Vote YES on Prop 69-420.
Wait, what now? EXACTLY. Jenkem is one of those drugs of lore; less about legal vs. illegal and more about myth vs. reality. If you’ve ever taken a dump in a Gatorade bottle, waited a few months, then taken a giant huff of the fermented fumes and NOT experienced hallucinogenic euphoria, it might be because there weren’t enough tax dollars backing the research. Colorado has the golden opportunity to see if the public sector can turn this apocryphal stinker into a renewable high.
The dirty, illegal bathtub crank of today just makes people want to punch windshields, take toasters apart and peel their faces off with nail clippers. If Colorado gets busy producing good clean meth it can deliver on what it was intended for; getting big-rig truckers from Denver to Pennsylvania without sleeping.
Though it can be prescribed for motion sickness, the real fun begins when properly abused and it manifests its street names; Devil’s Breath or Zombie. The effects are terrifying and no one has ever reported a positive experience. Why should it be legal in Colorado? As an easily accessible reminder that just because something is legal in Colorado doesn’t mean you should do it.
C’mon, ya gotta roll the dice now and again. Synthetic weed can be anything, which is what makes it cool. If Colorado makes everything else legal, it’ll be fun to do something unregulated-by-design ironically. Like, “Remember when this was illegal? Remember when I could feel my feet? Holy shit, what the fuck is this stuff?!?”
Just when you thought you couldn’t get any closer to someone than sharing a sleeping bag with them under the stars, bang- the Molly turns on! And it turns out you’re not in a sleeping bag at all- your humping a tree by the side of the highway, but it’s cool, just go with it man.
Colorado is long overdue for a pivot away from the tired, played out IPA craze of 2002. Solution; all those bearded brewmasters turn to Absinthesmiths, start hand-sourcing Vienna wormwood with the same pretentious snobbery they once did hops and slowly watch the entire state descend into nightmarish psychosis.
A proprietary blend of morphine, cocaine, gin and thorazine, the Brompton Cocktail was popularized in turn-of-the-century London but will find a comfy spot in rapidly gentrifying Colorado all the same. Considering its ingredients, the Brompton stands to dethrone Coors Light as the official beverage of Colorado, even if no one lives to tell about it.
Natural beauty is one reason people from big cities come to decompress in Colorado, and the menu of legal drugs should be the other. No matter how high a mountain peak you scale or turbulent a set of rapids you raft, you’re still you. That is until you pop into a storefront Ayahuasca lounge for a quick visit with a shaman. You’ll confront trauma, touch the godhead, reboot the hard drive and go home with an ego death you can brag about for months!
Salvia is a special substance. It delivers all the catatonic dissociation of nearly dying without cutting into the time you’ve set aside to do other drugs. Colorado will always be a friendly town for heroic dosage, but it could really fill a niche for those going to the edge and back on a tight turnaround. This could be big at airport layovers when you want to be able to say you completely lost your mind in Colorado, but also be able to say your own name when they change the boarding gate 15 times.
I mean, c’mon. Between String Cheese Incident, Red Rocks and String Cheese Incident at Red Rocks, Colorado and acid go together like String Cheese Incident and, um, I dunno… some place where String Cheese would be cool to see live. Plus, it’ll be just in time for the grand opening of the Hunter S. Thompson museum at Owl Farm; online blogger dads in bucket hats tripping ballz and threatening their wives with bowie knives all afternoon; “TELL ME ABOUT THE FUCKING GOLF SHOES!” It can’t miss!
Skiing is expensive… and so is hitting the slopes!- which is just how winter-sport elites like it! From Breckenridge to Vail, rich guys and their obnoxious families cannot put a price on getting as much adrenaline-pumping brotastic epicness out of a ski vacation as possible, both on the mountain and off. It’s simple economics; limitless tourist budgets plus sky high taxes on nose candy and it’s a destination win-win for gnar-shredders and public schools alike.
Here’s a good yet way too soon heartbreaking ten-song goodbye statement with edges that are too sharp for their own good: Linkin Park’s unlucky seventh LP “One More Light” opens with a weird falsetto vocal and/or synthetic synth sound reminiscent of Friday the 13th’s dreamcatcher Chucky that somehow permeated the scene/beyond for a reason that we struggle to understand why. Still, even with such, said first track “Nobody Can Save Me” is the band’s best song post-2014, and sadly was quite prophetic just like its album title. Heavy (with or without Kiara). Overall, much like “Minutes to Midnight” was to its subsequent follow-up “A Thousand Suns,” this record is a total rebrand from its rocking predecessor “The Hunting Party.” Fun opinion: Linkin Park has no bad albums. Not so fun fact: One had to be listed in the last position, and this one inarguably takes the non-Sprinkles cake.
With an wordless/artsy album cover that echoes both “Game of Thrones” and “Little Nicky,” Linkin Park’s sixth LP “The Hunting Party” is loud, so very loud, and has diverse features from such notable musicians as Page Hamilton of Helmet, revered rapper Rakim sans Eric B. and Sandra Dee, Daron Malakian of Scars on Broadway and no other band, and Tom Morello of Boston. “The Hunting Party” is LP’s first album since “Meteora” not to be produced by Svengali/beard master man man Rick Rubin, but unfortunately it shows in some songs, as Mr. R is a champion of removing any mess from a composition unless it’s a RHCP song that didn’t make the cut. Happily, the next five below are not disjointed listens, and we will happily grant LP the keys to the kingdom for the rest of earth’s existence until it’s gone after an eventual Trump tweet to North Korea.
This album is their first without producer Don Gilmore, who also handled production for Good Charlotte’s debut and The Beatles’ “Help!,” and is Rick Rubin’s first LP behind the boards for, uh, LP. Basically, it’s overrated/underrated. However, regarding underration, “Minutes to Midnight” came out in 2007, which is a year for rock that was over-saturated with huge releases such as Foo Fighters’ “Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace,” Paramore’s “Riot!,” The Used’s “Lies for the Liars,” and T-Pain’s “Epiphany” leading the charge. Perhaps said year semi-handicapped this album’s legacy, as it swam in a sea of rock/roll cruise ships with a staff like “Triangle of Sadness,” but Linkin Park’s fans certainly didn’t notice, and FIVE, yes five, singles from “Minutes to Midnight” did VERY well, and “What I’ve Done” is still the band’s most commercially successful song. Hands held high!
THIS ALBUM IS THE ONLY LINKIN PARK RELEASE WHEREIN ITS LITERAL TITLE AND ALL SONGS ARE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND THEIR FIRST WHEREIN THE BAND SAVED A BUNDLE ON INSURANCE BY SWITCHING TO GEICO. Speaking of things changing, we will now attack each sentence with normal lettering without yelling at you, our dear reader, and legally need to reference that this album, which is the band’s fifth LP, sounded modern in 2012 whilst hearkening to the band’s glory days on their first two records. One of the cooler stats about “LIVING THINGS” that you 100% know about unless you don’t is that it is Linkin Park’s first record wherein the release was re-imagined in instrumental and a capella format, proving that the LP boyz will keep you guessing whilst putting out unique art. Also, this album debuted at #1 on Billboard, with just 1000 more sales than Kara’s Flowers.
We know what it takes to move on, we know how it feels to lie, and all we want to do is trade this life for something new, holding onto what we haven’t got: Linkin Park’s fourth and extremely polarizing studio album “A Thousand Suns” is by far their most underrated effort. Wisdom, justice and love: Honestly, and you’re going to scold us like you did with that small innocent child who put orange ravenous little Cheeto fingers on a white couch for saying such, is one of the more unappreciated albums from ANY aughts band; don’t @ us, but please do, but be kind, and vicious. Also, “Waiting for the End,” the album’s second single, is a top ten LP song, and we’ll die on that hill whilst burning in the skies with robot boys, wretches, kings, and Trapt; headstrong we’ll take you on. Lastly, hug the messenger.
For this Linkin Park LP and the number one stunna, there is zero filler, so both studio albums have no “skip it” tracks, and we’re not taking any further questions. Honestly, the top spot depends on the day, but today is more of a solar system day than a scientific posit, so “Hybrid Theory,” the band’s debut, is in the silver medal slot. Rumor has it that various studio technicians, engineers, and the like that were in or around North Hollywood’s NRG Recording Studios in 2000, which is where “Hybrid Theory” and the sonically similar/slightly or not so slightly different 311 recorded “Transistor,” Limp Bizkit cut “Significant Other,” Papa Roach laid tracks down for “Infest,” and Little Richard created his debut “Here’s Little Richard,” thought that this album would flop, as rap-rock’s impact was dying in a sea of formerly red baseball hats. In the end, they were stupid.
Let’s close this piece with what we started it with, “The Valley”: The early-aughts were ruled by the 818 with local acts like Incubus, Hoobastank, Strife, and Herman’s Hermits killing it at this time, blowing the eff up, and then Linkin Park came in, took the ball, and knocked it loose/out of the (linkin) park. One thing of note: “Hybrid Theory” went extremely platinum, making the record the best-selling debut album since Guns N’ Roses’ “Dr. Feelgood,” but “Meteora” was not that far behind sales wise, and said stat is even more notable in that it came out in the age of Napster, Kazaa, Limewire, and Naughty America; we’re not lying from/with you. As per usual with “suits,” who essentially hate music, love money, but are too stupid to be investment bankers, nearly every label imitated Decca Records in the 1960s and rejected LP; schmucks.
In this universe, everyone thinks the Nazis are dead, but they come back and fuck shit up. It might as well be a documentary. “Dead Snow” is dead last.
We’re already living in a world where many of our problems stem from the fact that Harvey Weinstein types have too much influence, so why would we want to live in this movie where it’s just that plus zombies?
Hard pass on living in the REC universe. We all remember quarantine, and no one wants to go through that again.
Okay, the state of the world isn’t great, but we all know nothing gets better by making it more Zach Snydery. If you want to see a bigger/faster/dumber remake of a ‘70s classic just look out the window. Everyone is sleazy, there’s an ineffective Democrat in the White House, and inflation is out of control.
If there is anything more depressing than the general state of the world or a zombie apocalypse, it’s baseball.
“Train to Busan” is one of the best zombie movies in decades, but it’s pretty much the same as our world. Everything could be fine, except some rich fear-based asshole keeps fucking everything up.
This movie features a unique take on the zombie virus. It infects the English language, and saying certain words causes a person to unravel and eventually, gruesomely self-terminate. In our universe there are plenty of words people could stop using that would make the world a better place, but they’re still going strong.
Half of you are Ubering after your full-time job and are still broke. Doesn’t a 28-day nap sound like the absolute best right now?
The idea that someone who took acid years ago could suddenly snap and kill you is terrifying, but we’ll take that over getting cornered in a bar by someone who microdoses and does tarot. They may not be causing the world to end directly, but damn are they annoying.
When we do finally reach that tipping point and society collapses, brick-and-mortar storefronts will be long gone. Barricading yourself in an Amazon warehouse just doesn’t have the same charm, does it? We all know those places smell like piss, and we all know why.
By the end of this movie, the dead have been trained as a menial unpaid workforce, which is fine because they’re zombies who feel nothing. In our world, the people who wrangle our grocery carts and build our phones are very much alive and suffering every moment.
Forget about the fact that it has one of the most horrifying ending reveals of all time. This movie takes place in the sort of coastal town that just doesn’t seem to exist anymore. It’s a true village, where everyone knows each other and everyone gets along. Sure, it’s mostly because they are reanimated zombies being controlled by the town’s evil genius embalmer, but if the protagonist can go the whole movie without realizing that, how bad could it be?
It’s a hellish fever dream of a movie but at least everyone who lives in this universe is free of the confines of cause and effect. In our universe, it’s hard to buy soup at a grocery store without wondering if you’re somehow supporting a genocide somewhere in the world.
There is a lot of violence in our country right now, and none of it is of the fun, tongue-in-cheek lawnmower slaughter variety.
Remember when shitty people at least had the decency to keep their deep seeded racial bigotry subtextual?