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Government Positions Ranked By How Good of a Fit They Would Be for Jello Biafra

What do we know about Jello Biafra? We know he once ran for mayor of San Francisco and that his voice is the tonal equivalent of a rubber chicken being slowly eroded against an industrial belt sander. That was enough for us at the Hard Times to speculate wildly about how the legendary Dead Kennedys singer would actually handle himself in a variety of other government positions.

Look, you know the deal – here’s us ripping someone far more accomplished than we’ll ever be a new asshole just because we feel like it.

50. U.S. Senate Page

The one thing he would hate more than being an actual senator is being a senator’s unpaid intern. The best we could hope for here is that it inspires a new solo concept album about recent repeals to the CFR regulations.

49. DEA Agent

Jello once snorted coke off of three buttholes at the same time, one of them being his own. So even though he has an acute familiarity with substances, he’s nowhere near the best choice to regulate them.

48. Pallbearer at Reagan’s Funeral

We’re pretty sure that, by the end of his life, Ronald Reagan didn’t have any living friends who were still able to lift their own fork, let alone a fascist’s casket. But regardless, we’re pretty confident that Jello never got a callback for the position.

47. Secret Service Agent

Are you fucking kidding us? There’s a halfway decent chance he’d pull the trigger himself.

46. Supreme Court Judge

Look, we’d love to see Jello lay out Brett Kavanaugh on his own smug, beer-swollen face with “Terminal Preppie’ as the soundtrack. But admittedly, it doesn’t make for a great working relationship. At least it didn’t for us with our last boss at Panera.

45. Swan Deporter

A little-known government appointment, but one that is vital to the preservation of the republic. Someone’s gotta send all those goddamn lake birds back to where they came from – lakes!Also, Jello can’t swim, so he’s not gonna do great at this totally real job.

44. PennDOT Diesel and Construction Equipment Mechanic

Bureaucracy. Automotive maintenance. The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. These are just a few of the things that Jello is sorely unequipped to deal with on a daily basis. And unfortunately this job involves all three, so let’s just skip it.

43. Antarctic Researcher

Jello doesn’t do cold because cold makes jello freeze (*cue rimshot sound effect).

42. Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Even suspending Jello’s feelings towards members of the military (unknown or otherwise) we simply cannot imagine he would be capable of carrying out the various duties of a guard. He wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone and that might drive him insane. Besides, those guns are too heavy and you have to carry them the whole time!

41. Intelligence Analyst

Any position where Jello is forced to interact with cops is going to be a non-starter. Also, we’re going to guess that any data he gathers is gonna skew a little towards the “fuck this job and all of you fuckers” variety, which may not be the most helpful to law enforcement.

40. Secretary of Defense

Jello would immediately dissolve the entire military-industrial complex on day one of this job, which would also include dissolving the position himself. Essentially, he would make himself obsolete, and we’ll let you all insert your own jokes after that last statement.

39. FCC Censor

No fucking way. That’s some real PMRC bullshit right there.

38. Towel Boy at Camp David

If you need a punk rock singer to gleefully dry off politicians on vacation after a dip in a cool, refreshing natural spring, then you’d have better luck with Michale Graves. Jello isn’t interested.

37. Truancy Officer

Oddly enough, one encouraging encounter with Officer Biafra is enough to convince most kids to immediately return to school and never leave again simply out of the knowledge that he is still out there waiting for them somewhere.

36. Comptroller

Look, we don’t know what in the hell a comptroller does. And frankly we don’t feel like looking it up ‘cause government jobs are mostly boring as shit. Let’s just say Big J would suck at this and move on.

35. Daycare Administrator for the Pentagon

No one who works at the Pentagon would allow their children anywhere near Jello. We have to believe this is partly because he would actively be bilking the kids for any military secrets they may have overheard at home so he can write a new song.

34. Air Traffic Controller

This isn’t even one of the fun airplane jobs! We don’t even know that there are fun airplane jobs but we know this certainly isn’t one of them. Forget it, he would hate this.

33. Biochemical Weapons Expert

Sure, Jello has the know-how (“Chemical Warfare,” “Kill the Poor,” “Kepone Factory”) but does he have the grit to actually gas the population? Don’t think about that second part – we’re giving him the benefit of the doubt.

32. Game and Wildlife Warden

Jello might champion some animal protection causes, but doesn’t he actually have to interact with nature for this position. Oof – it’s hard to tell just which part of the man would cause the mass stampede first.

31. Fall guy

If you’ve got a conspiracy to pin on someone, then for the love of fuck don’t try to pin it on Jello. He will never shut up about it and, despite our best efforts, is unkillable. This is just a conspiratorial mess waiting to happen.

30. Director for the Bureau of Land Management

Jello would be frustrated to shit at this job. All this country does with land is misappropriate it. He is never gonna be able to change that.

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